Unbiased Film
Critic (online video channel)
1.5M subscribers
Video #1,372: “Unbiased
Review of The Reason for Existing”
3.7M views
157, 694 likes
2,813 Comments
(Unbiased Film
Critic is seated in an overstuffed armchair, looking and sounding extremely
haggard while holding an energy drink with the logo blurred out; there is a
plain blue background throughout the video)
Unbiased Film
Critic: Hello folks, and welcome to Episode Number… I don’t even know what I’m
up to on these, of Unbiased Film Critic.
You know the drill: I spend my days and nights watching gajillions of
movies made all over the world, and then turn around and give it to you
straight, so you can make a well-balanced decision on whether to spend your
hard-earned money and hours of your life that you really can’t spare on studio
bonuses, suspicious popcorn, liquid sugar, and 30 minutes of commercials
before, during, and after the film. (Takes
a swig of the energy drink) AND, with the advent of streaming services forcing
themselves into every aspect of our leisure time, if you are considering
watching a movie there instead of in a theater, I’m here to help you with the
cost-benefit ratio of your subscription.
I like to think I provide an invaluable service to the public, otherwise,
what is the point of my existence, which I am not even posing as a rhetorical
question. So: today, I’m going to talk
to you about the much-anticipated, astronomically-budgeted, in-your-face
marketed, awards-bait new release this weekend, The Reason for Existing. (Shifts in the chair trying to get more
comfortable) Let me get this out of the way right now: I hated it. I thought every single character and
corresponding actor – with the exception of the dog, because of course – was
the most irritating person it has been my misfortune to witness, either on the
silver screen or in everyday life; none of the production design was pleasing
to my eyes; the director’s choices in nearly every aspect of the film’s journey
hurt my core being; the list goes on.
(Shifts in the chair again) Having said that, I will also attest that
this is possibly the greatest film to have ever been created in the
history of cinema. And let me tell you
why.
[Opening title
card for the video: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Tell You THE TRUTH”]
Unbiased Film
Critic: (Takes another swig of the energy drink) I won’t beat around the bush:
when I say this film has everything anyone could ever want in a moving picture,
I am not saying it lightly. It covers all
the genres, but primarily action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, comedy, romance,
and documentary; there is a cast of literally thousands – the end credits for
them alone took 45 minutes; so many themes are covered that I lost count a
tenth of the way in; and the main plot really boils down to: “Why are we
here, anyway?” No one knows for certain,
but this film makes the bold attempt in trying to answer that. There are scores of subplots that I lost
interest in, but not one of them was dropped and they all tied in seamlessly
with the main story. The significance of
this piece is so immense, that I’m doing one of my rare departures from my solo
act and invited a few of the filmmakers to say, in their own words, why this
movie was so darn good, as it simultaneously ate away at my very soul.
(Now facing the
camera from a different angle with a guest sitting opposite)
Unbiased Film
Critic: Joining me today is the film’s soundtrack composer, who is said to have
spent two years in prep work alone before writing a single note for this score
– (Turns to the guest) is that actually correct?
Composer: Yes,
thank you; this film was such a passion project for all of us involved, I
really wanted to immerse myself in the world that was being created before I
could begin working on even the basic themes for the characters and the piece
in general.
Unbiased Film
Critic: (Nodding) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and you chose strings as your primary
instruments in the score, yes?
Composer: Oh
yes, those definitely were the instruments to really capture what we were
trying to convey here: the desperation for connection these characters yearned
for, that also resonates in all things throughout the universe.
Unbiased Film
Critic: Uh-huh. And as my ears took in sounds
akin to a multitude of cats being strangled whilst reciting “The Star-Spangled
Banner,” (Composer double-takes) each theme, movement, and change in time
signature so aptly fit the evolving narrative and emotional underpinnings of
each scene, that I don’t think movie audiences will ever experience the likes
of such perfection in orchestration ever again – how did you do it?
Composer: Ummmm…
it was a team effort?
Unbiased Film
Critic: Really.
Composer: It was
a lot of hard work by a lot of talented people.
Unbiased Film
Critic: And so it seems. I will forever
be saddled with the ear worm of the tormented souls of the underworld, but rest
assured, you have truly created a masterpiece in the flawless union of film and
music.
Composer: Ummmm…
thanks?
Unbiased Film
Critic: You’re welcome. (They stare at
each other for a few moments) OK, we’re done here.
Composer:
Oh-thank-goodness. (Hastily vaults out
of the chair)
(Cut
to Unbiased Film Critic facing the front again and now holding several pieces
of paper instead of the energy drink)
Unbiased Film
Critic: The director of this epic work is currently filming evidence of human
rights violations in all 200-ish countries of the world and so, unfortunately,
could not join me on this session, so instead I will read from a letter that I
had written with my interview questions, and then the response. (Unfolds the papers while putting on a pair
of glasses) I’ll skip the preliminaries and go straight to the meat… ah! Here it is: (Reads) “Your use of Dutch angles
brilliantly conveyed the uncertainty of the characters’ reality and maintained
suspense effectively throughout the film, while also giving me an extreme case
of vertigo from which, I fear, I may never recover. Do you make such choices consistently with
intention, or is it your unconscious mind that inspires this, dare I say,
genius?” (Turns to another page) Another
of my questions was… (Reads) “The cacophony of sounds, visuals, and plot
overwhelmed my senses to the point where I needed to spend the remainder of the
day and night with the blinds drawn and doors closed to the world, in order to
reset my entire body back to default mode – since these elements were so apt in
conveying the film’s messages of hope vs. nihilism, did you come up with the
entire overloaded palette on your own, or did you collaborate with the
screenwriter to create such an effective tour de force of chaos?” (Unfolds another piece of paper) To which the
response was… (Reads) “I’m sorry, were these compliments or are you being
sarcastic?” (Takes off the glasses and
faces the camera) I was unable to complete another volley of correspondence
before this video needed to be posted online, so I will simply answer that
question to my questions with another question: “Do you not know me at all?”
(Cut to Unbiased
Film Critic sitting opposite another guest)
Unbiased Film
Critic: Here with me now is the aforementioned screenwriter, whose life work
has culminated in this story of unbridled mayhem, awkward true lust, irritating
personalities, and the true meaning of life.
(Turns to Screenwriter) Welcome.
Screenwriter:
(Uncertain) Hi….
Unbiased Film
Critic: My question for you is this: with all your characters’ quirks,
peccadillos, and off-puttingness in general, did you base them on any actual
human beings of your acquaintance in order to make them so true-to-life and
meaningful?
Screenwriter:
Uhhh… I just wrote what I notice a lot of people are like.
Unbiased Film
Critic: (Nodding) Brilliant. And was the
love story, of which the schmaltz practically had me gagging for 129 of the
417-minute runtime, intentionally created to be so resonating and universal
from the start, or did some of that come from the actors’ work on the role and
their natural, riveting chemistry with each other?
Screenwriter:
Uhhh… mostly me, but some of them.
Unbiased Film
Critic: Uh-huh. And the dialogue –
Screenwriter:
(Wincing) Yeah?
Unbiased Film
Critic: I predicted the punch lines of all the jokes and the outcomes of almost
all the arguments.
Screenwriter:
Yeah…?
Unbiased Film
Critic: This is not a question, but I really must say, those were all so
authentic and genuine that I was nodding in agreement for the entire piece, as
I simultaneously gripped the front of the armrests of the theater lounge chair to
counteract the cringe.
Screenwriter: Uhhh…
thank you?
Unbiased Film
Critic: (Turns to the camera) I don’t why my interview subjects say it that
way.
(Cut to Unbiased
Film Critic solo again, back to holding the energy drink)
Unbiased Film
Critic: As I wrap this up, I realize that I now need to spend more hours than
usual on post-production for this video, which I dread with all my essence. Once upon a time, I used to write film review
articles for newspapers and magazines; I even had my own column for a bit, as
some of my more “mature” viewers may remember.
(Empties the can and tosses it into an off-screen bin) Now, to remain relevant with the kids and
maintain a steady income, I had to teach myself to create these videos for the
“likes” and “subscribes” and “ad revenue,” cutting into the precious two hours
of sleep I get each night after watching film upon film upon film, occasionally
having to schedule interviews like the ones you saw earlier, reviewing my notes
on the piece to get my thoughts in order, actually filming the videos with five
billion takes for every 30 seconds, adding in special effects like clips and
sound effects just to keep you all from getting “bored” – which I didn’t bother
with this time, because too bad – and then editing everything together to form
one coherent piece that takes up enough airtime to justify the commercials. In short, I myself had to become a filmmaker,
in order to continue a career in critiquing films. Trust me when I say, the irony is not
lost. (Reaches off-screen to grab
another energy drink, opens the tab, and takes a swig) In conclusion: The
Reason for Existing should and probably will win every film award ever
made; you all should go see it if you haven’t already and have your soul filled
with profundity; and even if I never see it again, it’s too late for my worn-out
nerves. Thank you for watching, and now
I’m off to see “Horror in My Mind” to review for you next – it promises to be
another assault on all my senses, that will contain momentous messages on
compassion and the true natures of good and evil. I’ll let you know tomorrow, after I’ve taken
a nap, on:
[Title card:
“Unbiased Film Critic: I Will Bash Films That I Enjoy Immensely If They Are
Absolute Rot”]
