Story 357: Finding a Perfectly Adequate Gift Is Hard

            (Friend 1 is talking on the phone while walking through a parking lot) 

            Friend 1: Sorry to cut you off, but I’m almost at the pharmacy now.

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Oh sure, what do you have to pick up if you don't mind me asking?

            Friend 1: Just a gift for a coworker’s birthday – tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I thought you said you were going to the pharmacy?

            Friend 1: I am; this one has the best gifts.  Their candle display is unrivalled!

            Friend 2: …OK, know what you’re gonna get?

            Friend 1: Nah, I figure something’ll hit me when I’m in there.

            Friend 2: Shyeah, OK.

            Friend 1: I don’t like the sound of that.

          Friend 2: It’s just, if you don’t have at least an idea of what type of gift you’re getting, then nothing there will be the right one.

            Friend 1: That’s not true!  I’ll find something perfectly adequate in five minutes, tops!

            Friend 2: Mm-hm: so what does your intended recipient like?

          Friend 1: (Entering the store and heading for the gift section) That’s easy, there’s – hang on – (Walks past multiple displays, touching random items) – water bottle?  No, the office’s already given us a million of these – ooh, comfy socks!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  What size does the person wear?

            Friend 1: …Average?  Never look at people’s feet, to be honest.

            Friend 2: Maybe keep looking at the shelves there instead.

          Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Keeps touching random objects) I guess a new wallet would be nice, for… (Turns it over to see the price tag) $60?!  Get outta here!  (Tosses the wallet back onto the display)  I wouldn’t spend that much on one gift for my own blood relative, let alone an almost-stranger!

            Friend 2: OK, maybe move on to another section.

          Friend 1: Sure, sure.  (Walks toward the front of the store) Ooh, maybe this pretty little Halloween witch with a poisoned cauldron and a bloody skull!

            Friend 2: I’d say not.  And nothing Halloween – we just got over Labor Day.

           Friend 1: So? It’s fine to get Halloween things now; I only refused to look at this stuff when they were out right after 4^th of July.

            Friend 2: Ugh.  Maybe no holiday-themed items: this is for a birthday, so no double-dipping.

            Friend 1: Guess a Nativity scene’s out, then?

           Friend 2: No holidays!  Or seasons, for that matter – no “Happy Fall” or “Welcome, Winter” or “Come Back, Summer” or “Where Are You, Spring?” or anything else that detracts from the birthday!

            Friend 1: Fine.  Maybe this huge wine glass with streamers and balloons painted on it’ll do.

            Friend 2: Does the person drink alcohol?

            Friend 1: Doesn’t everybody?

            Friend 2: I don’t!

            Friend 1: Oh right, forgot – heh.

            Friend 2: If you’re not certain, then skip it.  What about a mug for coffee or tea?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink coffee or tea.

            Friend 2: You can put anything hot in it!

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink anything hot.

            Friend 2: Fine – what about bath stuff?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: [Grinds teeth]

            Friend 1: (Rifles through bath products on a shelf) Ooh, I can get this bar of goat milk soap; that sounds pretty healthy for the skin, right?

            Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: Too cheap?

            Friend 2: You don’t give someone bar soap as a present!  Bubble bath, maybe, but not bar soap!

            Friend 1: Still don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: Fine-fine-fine, no bath stuff.  How about the candle display you raved about earlier?

          Friend 1: Ooh, right, great idea!  (Runs to the other side of the store, using a foot to right a display toppling in the slipstream on the way) Let’s see… (Picks up and puts down several candles before settling on one) Yes!  Nice scent, nice size, nice price, perfect!

            Friend 2: Thank goodness.  Bye.

            Friend 1: Oh wait: I think they have seasonal allergies, so scented candles probably would make it worse.

            Friend 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....

            Friend 1: (Sets the candle back onto the shelf and looks towards the store’s front window) Ooh, they have the lottery here!  I’ll just get some birthday scratch-offs!  (Runs to the front of the store, using a foot to right a customer toppling in the slipstream on the way)

            Friend 2: Ugh, that is such a non-gift!

            Friend 1: (Pauses at the front counter) Eh?

            Friend 2: If the tickets are a bust, it’s as if you didn’t give anything!

            Friend 1: Hm.  (Rummages through the various small items for sale on the counter displays)

            Sales Associate: Could you please stop touching everything?!  We have to disinfect all of it after you leave!

            Friend 1: I’m an indecisive shopper!  (To Friend 2) How about impulse-buy chocolate bars?

            Friend 2: (Wearily) Is the person allergic to chocolate?

            Friend 1: Nah, I distinctively remember them scarfing down brownies at the last work birthday.

            Friend 2: Then please grab some of those, stick a bow on `em, and call it a day.

          Friend 1: Sweet!  (Pays for the bars and is hustled out of the store by the employees and other customers)  Thanks for all your help; I would’ve still been in there, wandering the aisles and weeping, for at least another hour.

            Friend 1: I just can’t believe I got sucked into all that without even realizing it.  I hope this coworker’s worth it.

            Friend 1: Not really: they’re mean to everybody and yell a lot, but you know.  Birthday’s a birthday.

Story 356: Seeing People As When They Were Children

             (In a Hypnotherapist’s office)

        Hypnotherapist: (To Client) Welcome!  Have a seat.  (Client sits in a slightly uncomfortable chair) So, what brings you here today?

            Client: Well, I’d like to stop hating people.

            Hypnotherapist: OK, are we talking about a certain group of people?

            Client: No, I’m talking about the human species as a whole.  I hate all of them, myself included.

           Hypnotherapist: (Begins taking notes) OK, and is this a sudden onset of loathing or have you had these symptoms for quite some time now?

            Client: (Looks up to think) Probably can trace it back to when I hit puberty.  Which was almost 30 years ago.

            Hypnotherapist: Oh dear.

            Client: Yeah, the feelings were mild at first – a little irritation here, slight angst there – but as the decades pile up, they intensified to the point where it’s a struggle to leave the apartment to go to work or do errands.  Every single person I meet makes my life harder, or is yelling at me for something they messed up, or is just awful in general, or is bumbling around making the world worse.  I could barely bring myself to meet with you today, but you actually might be able to help me so, yeah.  Nothing personal.

            Hypnotherapist: Indeed.  (Stops writing) Well, I have a possible treatment that we’ll try first and see how that goes.

            Client: Oh great!  I may even like you now.

         Hypnotherapist: …Since the problem seems to stem from your inability to let go of your childhood –

            Client: What?!

            Hypnotherapist: – I’m going to give you a post-hypnotic suggestion so that whenever you start actively hating someone you’re speaking to, you will visualize them as when they were a child instead.

            Client: But you don’t understand: I hate children too, they’re not spared in this.

            Hypnotherapist: I get that; however, your anger appears to be directed towards how most people transform into demonic trolls as they age – the post-hypnotic suggestion will regress them in your mind to a state where they, most of them anyway, were pretty much innocent and better than they are now.  Before the nasty started accumulating in their brains, that is.

            Client: (Shrugs) I guess we can try it; what’ve I got to lose?

            Hypnotherapist: Just your deductible – now close your eyes and relax….

 THE NEXT DAY

            (At a supermarket, Client is stocking the shelves when Customer approaches)

            Customer: Complaint, whine, personal insult, unrelated tangent –

            Client: (Eyes glaze over as view shifts; Customer is now a 6-year-old child with tears streaming) Aw, don’t cry!  Let me see if I can make it all better, whaddya say?

            Customer: Heh?

         Client: Would you like a lollipop?  (Grabs one from uniform vest pocket and hands it to Customer)

            Customer: Ummm, sure…?

            Client: Now, let’s go up front and see if the nice employee at the Service Desk can help us out!  (Takes Customer’s hand to skip to the front of the store; Customer also starts skipping while sucking on the lollipop)

 THAT WEEKEND

            (At a large family dinner, Relative is seated next to Client and berating the latter’s life choices)

            Relative: Judgement, remonstration, homophobia, politics, racism, ramped-up judgement –

           Client: (Eyes glaze over as view shifts; Relative is now a 6-year-old child pounding fists on the table) You know, your parents must be so proud of you.

            Relative: Not to mention – what?  The blazes’re you talking about?

            Client: You’re growing up to be so independent and so strong!  They must really be happy with how you’re turning out.

            Relative: Uh, hello!  They were your grandparents, they’re still dead, and I’m not far behind!

            Client: (Smiles fondly and pats the top of Relative’s head) Such a fighter!  I bet they raised you that way, too.

            Relative: (Starts to sniffle) Yeah, they did teach me to stand up for myself….

            Client: And you want them to be proud of who you grow up to be, huh?

            Relative: (Nods quickly, tears flowing) I do!

            Client: You’re so lucky.

        Relative: (Full-out bawling) I was!  They were the best parents anyone could ever have!  (Collapses into Client’s arms, sobbing hysterically)

            Client: (Smoothing Relative’s hair while wearing a serene expression) There-there, let it all out, I’m here for you.

            Client’s Sibling: (Passing by) Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually comforting –

            Client: Ssh – don’t ruin it.

 THE FOLLOWING MONTH

            (In Hypnotherapist’s office)

            Hypnotherapist: (To Client) So, how’d the treatment go?

            Client: (Smiling beatifically) Like a dream.  I can face humanity now without wanting us all to be wiped out by a solar coronal mass ejection.

          Hypnotherapist: Excellent!  I’m so glad the post-hypnotic suggestion worked out well – I can write a paper on this and finally be accepted as a “real” doctor by all those snobs!

            Client: Whatever you say, kiddo.

            Hypnotherapist: Hm?

           Client: If you keep dreaming those dreams and working real hard, you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.

            Hypnotherapist: Uh, I already did… (Points to the Doctor of Clinical Hypnotherapy degree on the wall behind the desk)

            Client: (Chuckles) Ambitious!  I like it: visualize your goal now, and you’ll have a better chance of achieving it in, what, 20, 25 years?

            Hypnotherapist: …Do you see me as a child right now?

            Client: Of course!  The world is full of children – you are all so easy to get along with!  A few bad seeds, true, but just send them to military school and they can still be productive members of society, I’d like to think.

            Hypnotherapist: You know, I’d like to do one more post-hypnotic suggestion to reverse the last one –

            Client: Whatever for?  I’m so happy now – you’re a genius, future doc!  (Holds out hand) Want a lollipop?

            Hypnotherapist: (Takes the candy warily) Not sure if I’ve created a monster in you.

          Client: I’d say not: the world is such a wonderful place now that you’ve given me the proper perspective for it!

Story 355: One Week Where Nothing Happens

            (In a department store’s breakroom, two coworkers are watching the tiny TV) 

          News Anchor: It is estimated that the recovery from this earthquake will take years, if not decades.  And that’s not factoring in the possibility that other just-as-severe earthquakes may soon follow, if the seismic readings are any indication.  If I may editorialize for a moment: just what we need right now, huh?  And now, Sports.

            Sports Anchor: All playoffs for the year are officially cancelled, and I’m wondering if I’m still going to have a job tomorrow.

            News Anchor: OK!  Moving on to Entertainment News!

            Entertainment Anchor: Eh?  News?

           News Anchor: (Listening to earpiece) This just in: another disaster has struck in the form of –

            (Coworker 1 picks up a remote control and turns off the TV)

            Coworker 2: Hey, I wanted to hear what the form of the next disaster is.

            Coworker 1: Do you?!  What are you going to do about it – actually help the victims?!

            Coworker 2: Probably not, but it’s good to stay informed.

           Coworker 1: Not right now, it isn’t!  Why can’t the news go back to boring stuff, like rescuing foolish kittens from trees, or the thrill of a tricky putt?  Stupid news nowadays.

            Coworker 2: Yes, everything bad that happens is all the news’s fault.

            Coworker 1: You know what I mean!  Can’t we just have one week where nothing happens?!

            Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments) OK.

            Coworker 1: Glad you agree.

            Coworker 2: No, I mean OK, you got it: one week where nothing happens.

            Coworker 1: Shyeah, right, what are you, a genie or something like that?

           Coworker 2: Something like that.  You just never really wished for anything this badly before.

          Coworker 1: …Wait a minute, I think somebody else here mentioned you did something like that for them a while ago.

            Coworker 2: Who?

            Coworker 1: You know, what’s-their-name.

            Coworker 2: Oh yeah, that one.  So there you go.

            Coworker 1: Yeah, but I figured they were just, you know, lying.

           Coworker 2: Nope: it’s what I do when I’m not processing returns.  Enjoy your week of nothing happening.

            Coworker 1: Huh?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (In a department store’s breakroom, Coworker 2 is watching the tiny TV)

           News Anchor: – the numbers continue to increase as everyone wonders whether this, truly, is the End Times.  And now, Weather.

          Weather Anchor: Well, we’ve got some off-season blizzards to go with those ongoing tidal waves –

            (Coworker 1 bursts into the breakroom, scoops up the remote control, and throws it at the TV, which turns it off)

            Coworker 2: Hey, don’t you want to hear more about the off-season blizzards?  Temps might reach -30°.

            Coworker 1: What was that?!

            Coworker 2: Sorry, that was in Celsius – it would be around -20° in old-fashioned Fahrenheit.

            Coworker 1: No, no, no, I mean what was that last week?!  What happened?!

            Coworker 2: Nothing.  As you requested.

            Coworker 1: But I – we all –

            Coworker 2: Sounds like...?

            Coworker 1: Nothing happened!

            Coworker 2: Ye-es, I believe we established that.

           Coworker 1: But I mean we all… lost a week, or were on ice, or I don’t know what!  I don’t even know how to describe it!

            Coworker 2: Oh yeah, so basically, I just put the Universe on hold.

            Coworker 1: …Huh?

           Coworker 2: Well, in order for nothing to happen for a week, it took some doing but I had to stop everything so that nothing, in fact, would happen.  At all, anywhere.  I believe that satisfies your requirements.

            Coworker 1: But – no!  I meant I wanted nothing bad to happen for a week!  Or sad, or horrible, or cruel, or destructively weird, or –

           Coworker 2: You can’t add stipulations now, it’s over.  Next time, be more specific in your blanket demands.

           Coworker 1: Fine!  I wish nothing bad happens for a week, and that includes the following items: murder, disasters both natural and human-made, bigotry, abuse, insect invasions –

            Coworker 2: Too late: you only get the one wish.

            Coworker 1: That’s not fair!

            Coworker 2: Neither is life, but not much can be done in either case.

           Coworker 1: But you tricked me!  I’ve been working with you for over five years and you never once said you granted wishes, and you only tell me when I’m not prepared and already made a casual almost-wish!

            Coworker 2: You meant it at the time.

          Coworker 1: Yeah, well, I didn’t get the heads-up on the real-world implications!  This is basically entrapment – I had no informed consent on the wish-granting!

           Coworker 2: Look, there’s no point in complaining about it now: I did what you asked, it’s over and done for almost a whole day now, the planet’s no worse off than it was before, so really, just be grateful for the blessings you currently have, and start prepping for the storms and/or tidal waves that’re headed our way.  (Picks up the remote control from the floor and turns back on the TV)

            News Anchor: – it seems yet another swarm of locusts has wiped out –

           Coworker 1: You’re the worst wish granter ever, you know that?  (Takes off coat and starts to leave to clock in for shift)

            Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the TV) Oh yeah, don’t forget: at some point tonight, we need to do your annual employee review.  A few core competencies there you gotta work on.

            Coworker 1: (Raises fists to the ceiling) This is the worst year ever!

            Coworker 2: Says you: 1918 was no prize.  (Coworker 1 slams the breakroom door on the way out) So was 1883, come to think of it.  1619 was absolute garbage.  Also 1347 to 1351 were horrific.  Not to mention 597 and 605 BCE.  Wow, pretty much every year is the worst, to be honest.  The pre-Homo sapiens era wasn’t so bad, though.

Story 354: The Voice of Reason in a Tragic Opera

            Time: The Past – Somewhere around the 1400s to 1600s

            Place: Generic Western European Kingdom

         Characters: King, Queen, Their 15 Children Who All Hate Each Other and Their Parents, Lord #1 Who Loves the King But Loves the Throne More, Lord #2 Who Loves the Queen But Loves Himself More, Old Duke Who Was a Father to Them All and Is Outraged at How Awful They All Turned Out, Assassin Who Appears Occasionally to Move the Plot Along, Rival Queen Who Wants to Annex the Country Without Their Permission, Jester Who Is the Lone Voice of Reason in This Whole Mess, and Various Nobles, Guards, Soldiers, Entourage, and Other Riffraff

            All dialogue is sung.

ACT I

         (The curtain opens on the palace’s throne room filled with most of the main characters, all gathered to witness the Exposition Dump)

            Ensemble: <Exposition Dump!>

            King: <I just want to take this moment to announce: I love how rich and powerful I am.>

        Queen: <I second that!  We are living in Heaven on Earth and nothing can disrupt our happiness!>

            15 Children: <Plot – connive – scheme – whine – >

          Eldest Child: <I speak for myself and all my siblings when I say that we have everything anyone could ever want, but that is garbage because we want the throne now, waaaaaah!>

         Jester: <Why would you want the burden of protecting thousands of people and dealing with their constant skirmishes and complaints?>

            Eldest Child: <Shut up, Fool!>

            Jester: (To King and Queen) <Majesties, you may want to keep an eye on and possibly lock up your plotting children.>

            King and Queen: <Shut up, Fool!>

            Jester: <Sigh.>

          Lord #1: <Your Majesties, that Rival Queen who recently tried to invade is trying to invade again but in a different spot this time, hoping we will not notice.>

            King: <Ah me, whatever is to be done?>

           Queen: <Aside – I hope my Peasant Lover did not chance to be in that same area and is now horribly invaded!>

            King: <You didn’t Aside properly – I heard everything.>

            Queen: <Curses!>

            King: <Quite all right: I was thinking the exact same thing about my Peasant Lover, so we are on the same page with that.>

            Queen: <Felicity!>

            Jester: <Majesties, might I propose – like I did during the first invasion – that you send orders to our soldiers to meet this threat and also investigate the rest of the border to make sure no one sneaks in anywhere else?>

           King: <Shut up, Fool!> (Jester tosses away scepter in defeat) <Lord #1, go send soldiers to meet this threat and also investigate the rest of the border.>

           Lord #1: <As you wish, Sire.  Aside – with the soldiers all gone, this will be the perfect chance to seize the throne from my best friend in the whole world, bwahahahaa!>

            King: <You didn’t Aside properly either, you know.>

            Lord #1: <Oops.>

            King: <Indeed.> (To Guards) <Off with my best friend’s head, would you?>

         Lord #1: (Dragged off-stage by Guards) <And I only wanted absolute power over everyone’s lives, alassssssss!>

            King: <And that is that.  Now what is for lunch?>

          Queen: <There is no time for something that mundane in an epic such as this!  We have a plot to advance and human emotion to drown in!>

            King: <But I want a sandwich.>

            Lord #2: <Your Majesty, might I suggest we flee to a remote little palace where we can sit out all this hullabaloo in decadent comfort and sweet, sweet love that can only be found in each other’s arms?>

            King: <That sounds like an excellent idea – lead the way.>

            Lord #2: <I actually was addressing the Queen.>

            Queen: <Well, then that sounds like an excellent idea – lead the way.> (Begins to exit on the arm of Lord #2)

            King: <Halt!> (They freeze; he points to the Queen) <You – stay by my side.>

            Queen: (Grudgingly returns to the King’s side) <Tyrannical patriarch.>

            King: (Points to Lord #2) <You – can go get your head removed now.>

            Lord #2: <Actually, it was all a joke, you are all too serious around here, tee-hee-hee – flee!> (Jumps out the window)

            Queen: <My false love!  What horror!>

            King: <Eh, have better taste next time.>

            Queen: <Yes dear, you are quite right.>

           Jester: <Majesties, word in the hamlet is that the invading army is only a day’s ride away – perhaps we should relocate to safety?  As in, right now?>

            King: <Shut – oh right, I already agreed to this plan, let’s go.> (The Nobles and Guards exit en masse to signify that the entire court has packed up and evacuated in under 30 seconds)

            Old Duke: (Stands center stage, alone) <Where did I go wrong with this bunch?> (Assassin runs in and stabs him) <What the blazes was that?!> (Dies)

           Assassin: (Toes the body and stares closer at the face) <Hold on, did I just get the wrong guy?>

CURTAIN

ACT II

            (Curtain opens on an equally ornate palace (same set, with a few pieces of furniture shifted around); the entire court is present, minutes the ones who departed, willingly or otherwise, as of Act I)

            Queen: <Right, Good People, we will be safe here until this little dustup blows over, by this afternoon the latest.>

            King: (Hisses) That was my line!

            Queen: (Grimaces) Sorry – misheard the prompter.

          Eldest Child: <I speak for myself and all my siblings when I ask whether we can take the throne when we get back home, please?>

            14 Children: <Yeah!  You never give us anything!>

            King: <I am most uncertain whether I loathe you all because of this behavior or in spite of it>

            Queen: <I must say, they are your children.>

         Jester: <Majesties, perhaps if they had been given more responsibilities when they were younger in overseeing the kingdom they will one day rule – >

            15 Children: <Shut up, Fool!>

            Jester: <That non-response is becoming very tiresome.>

            Eldest Child: <Why ever would we want to work, we just want to rule!>

            Jester: <Un-believable.>

            Eldest Child: (To King) <So, back to my original question – >

            King: <Over my dead body!>

          Assassin: (Pops out from behind the throne) <That’s my cue!> (Stabs the King and runs away unimpeded by the flabbergasted court; is tripped by the Jester)

            Jester: (Sitting on Assassin’s legs) <Treason!>

            Assassin: <It is not treason if I am working for the other side; it would be treason if I did not go through with it, then.>

            Jester: <Fair point.>

            King: (Lying on the ground surrounded by the wailing court) <Alack!  To be cut down in the prime of my old age!>

            Queen: (Kneeling next to the King) <Despair!  My one current love!>

            15 Children: <Oh, Father!  Cursed be the hand that took you out before we could!>

            Ensemble: <Folly!>

            King: <Not quite an appropriate response.>

            Ensemble: <Horror?>

            King: <That is better – use that one.>

            Ensemble: <Horror!>

            King: <Sweet.  Mourn me while I am still alive to hear it, my pitiful subjects!>

            (Rival Queen enters on a grand chariot, surrounded by Entourage)

           Rival Queen: <Aha!  I see my loyal servant’s work is done and the way has been cleared for my usurpation!  (Jumps off the chariot and lassoes the throne) <Yoink!>

            Queen: (Stands) <Oi!  I am still here!>

            Rival Queen: <Please – you are just his queen.  I am The Queen!>

            Queen: (Kneels again) <I concede the point.>

            15 Children: (Forming a line in front of the Rival Queen) <You still must contend with us and our mighty thirst for power!>

            Eldest Child: <Yield, false pretender!>

            Rival Queen: <That is redundant and therefore self-contradictory.> (Flicks Eldest Child on the brow; the latter falls down weeping.  The other 14 Children run away and drag Eldest Child with them) <Anyone else?> (The remainder of the unnamed court flee)

            King: (Lying in a growing pool of red food coloring) <I am – still – alive – >

           Rival Queen: <So?  If you actually do survive this, you would be useless: no one will follow you now that you were sucker stabbed, so buzz off!> (Hops onto the throne and stretches out across it)

           Jester: (Kicks away Assassin and subserviently approaches the Rival Queen) <New Majesty, might I ask a favor?>

        Rival Queen: <I am in no mood to keep around leftovers from the previous administration, but proceed.>

            Jester: <As you can see, I worked as a jester with that bunch – >

            Rival Queen: <Then you have five seconds to make me laugh.>

          Jester: < – however, my hidden job description was to speak the truth and dispense advice, which no one has ever listened to – >

            King: (Perks up) <Of course we did!  All the time!>

            Queen: <I always took your advice, you revisionist historian!>

           Jester: <If you had, then this one – > (Gestures at the Rival Queen) < – would not be sitting here right now>

            Rival Queen: <Ha!  Losers.>

            Jester: <So, I wish to ask for a place in your court, but as an advisor rather than as a jester.>

         Assassin: (Sitting on the floor and rubbing circulation back into legs) <Now that is treason!>

            Jester: <Not if the last group is no longer in power.>

            Assassin: <Got it.>

            Rival Queen: (To Jester) <Prove yourself, then.>

           Jester: <I told this crew to confront your army and defend the border back when you invaded the first time.>

            Rival Queen: <You’re hired.>

           King: <Alack!  That it has come to this!  Our former employee, joining the competition and receiving an unexpected promotion!> (Dies)

         Queen: <Woe is me!  Our Heaven on Earth, utterly destroyed by a change in management!  If only we had listened to the Fool would we have been ironically wise!> (Dies because there is nothing else for her to do now)

          Rival Queen: <Well that tidies up everything nicely.  Now, Advisor, what do you recommend my first act as legitimate tyrant of this stolen realm be?>

           Former Jester: <Clean up the damage from your invasion and help your subjects’ lives be better than they were before.>

          Rival Queen: <Sounds reasonable.> (Stands with raised sword in hand) <To the restoration!>

            Entourage: <Huzzah!>

            Former Jester: <And that is how you have a happy ending in a tragedy.>

CURTAIN