Thursday, August 27, 2020

Story 354: The Voice of Reason in a Tragic Opera


            Time: The Past – Somewhere around the 1400s to 1600s
            Place: Generic Western European Kingdom
         Characters: King, Queen, Their 15 Children Who All Hate Each Other and Their Parents, Lord #1 Who Loves the King But Loves the Throne More, Lord #2 Who Loves the Queen But Loves Himself More, Old Duke Who Was a Father to Them All and Is Outraged at How Awful They All Turned Out, Assassin Who Appears Occasionally to Move the Plot Along, Rival Queen Who Wants to Annex the Country Without Their Permission, Jester Who Is the Lone Voice of Reason in This Whole Mess, and Various Nobles, Guards, Soldiers, Entourage, and Other Riffraff
            All dialogue is sung.

ACT I

         (The curtain opens on the palace’s throne room filled with most of the main characters, all gathered to witness the Exposition Dump)
            Ensemble: <Exposition Dump!>
            King: <I just want to take this moment to announce: I love how rich and powerful I am.>
        Queen: <I second that!  We are living in Heaven on Earth and nothing can disrupt our happiness!>
            15 Children: <Plot – connive – scheme – whine – >
          Eldest Child: <I speak for myself and all my siblings when I say that we have everything anyone could ever want, but that is garbage because we want the throne now, waaaaaah!>
         Jester: <Why would you want the burden of protecting thousands of people and dealing with their constant skirmishes and complaints?>
            Eldest Child: <Shut up, Fool!>
            Jester: (To King and Queen) <Majesties, you may want to keep an eye on and possibly lock up your plotting children.>
            King and Queen: <Shut up, Fool!>
            Jester: <Sigh.>
          Lord #1: <Your Majesties, that Rival Queen who recently tried to invade is trying to invade again but in a different spot this time, hoping we will not notice.>
            King: <Ah me, whatever is to be done?>
           Queen: <Aside – I hope my Peasant Lover did not chance to be in that same area and is now horribly invaded!>
            King: <You didn’t Aside properly – I heard everything.>
            Queen: <Curses!>
            King: <Quite all right: I was thinking the exact same thing about my Peasant Lover, so we are on the same page with that.>
            Queen: <Felicity!>
            Jester: <Majesties, might I propose – like I did during the first invasion – that you send orders to our soldiers to meet this threat and also investigate the rest of the border to make sure no one sneaks in anywhere else?>
           King: <Shut up, Fool!> (Jester tosses away scepter in defeat) <Lord #1, go send soldiers to meet this threat and also investigate the rest of the border.>
           Lord #1: <As you wish, Sire.  Aside – with the soldiers all gone, this will be the perfect chance to seize the throne from my best friend in the whole world, bwahahahaa!>
            King: <You didn’t Aside properly either, you know.>
            Lord #1: <Oops.>
            King: <Indeed.> (To Guards) <Off with my best friend’s head, would you?>
         Lord #1: (Dragged off-stage by Guards) <And I only wanted absolute power over everyone’s lives, alassssssss!>
            King: <And that is that.  Now what is for lunch?>
          Queen: <There is no time for something that mundane in an epic such as this!  We have a plot to advance and human emotion to drown in!>
            King: <But I want a sandwich.>
            Lord #2: <Your Majesty, might I suggest we flee to a remote little palace where we can sit out all this hullabaloo in decadent comfort and sweet, sweet love that can only be found in each other’s arms?>
            King: <That sounds like an excellent idea – lead the way.>
            Lord #2: <I actually was addressing the Queen.>
            Queen: <Well, then that sounds like an excellent idea – lead the way.> (Begins to exit on the arm of Lord #2)
            King: <Halt!> (They freeze; he points to the Queen) <You – stay by my side.>
            Queen: (Grudgingly returns to the King’s side) <Tyrannical patriarch.>
            King: (Points to Lord #2) <You – can go get your head removed now.>
            Lord #2: <Actually, it was all a joke, you are all too serious around here, tee-hee-hee – flee!> (Jumps out the window)
            Queen: <My false love!  What horror!>
            King: <Eh, have better taste next time.>
            Queen: <Yes dear, you are quite right.>
           Jester: <Majesties, word in the hamlet is that the invading army is only a day’s ride away – perhaps we should relocate to safety?  As in, right now?>
            King: <Shut – oh right, I already agreed to this plan, let’s go.> (The Nobles and Guards exit en masse to signify that the entire court has packed up and evacuated in under 30 seconds)
            Old Duke: (Stands center stage, alone) <Where did I go wrong with this bunch?> (Assassin runs in and stabs him) <What the blazes was that?!> (Dies)
           Assassin: (Toes the body and stares closer at the face) <Hold on, did I just get the wrong guy?>

CURTAIN

ACT II

            (Curtain opens on an equally ornate palace (same set, with a few pieces of furniture shifted around); the entire court is present, minutes the ones who departed, willingly or otherwise, as of Act I)
            Queen: <Right, Good People, we will be safe here until this little dustup blows over, by this afternoon the latest.>
            King: (Hisses) That was my line!
            Queen: (Grimaces) Sorry – misheard the prompter.
          Eldest Child: <I speak for myself and all my siblings when I ask whether we can take the throne when we get back home, please?>
            14 Children: <Yeah!  You never give us anything!>
            King: <I am most uncertain whether I loathe you all because of this behavior or in spite of it>
            Queen: <I must say, they are your children.>
         Jester: <Majesties, perhaps if they had been given more responsibilities when they were younger in overseeing the kingdom they will one day rule – >
            15 Children: <Shut up, Fool!>
            Jester: <That non-response is becoming very tiresome.>
            Eldest Child: <Why ever would we want to work, we just want to rule!>
            Jester: <Un-believable.>
            Eldest Child: (To King) <So, back to my original question – >
            King: <Over my dead body!>
          Assassin: (Pops out from behind the throne) <That’s my cue!> (Stabs the King and runs away unimpeded by the flabbergasted court; is tripped by the Jester)
            Jester: (Sitting on Assassin’s legs) <Treason!>
            Assassin: <It is not treason if I am working for the other side; it would be treason if I did not go through with it, then.>
            Jester: <Fair point.>
            King: (Lying on the ground surrounded by the wailing court) <Alack!  To be cut down in the prime of my old age!>
            Queen: (Kneeling next to the King) <Despair!  My one current love!>
            15 Children: <Oh, Father!  Cursed be the hand that took you out before we could!>
            Ensemble: <Folly!>
            King: <Not quite an appropriate response.>
            Ensemble: <Horror?>
            King: <That is better – use that one.>
            Ensemble: <Horror!>
            King: <Sweet.  Mourn me while I am still alive to hear it, my pitiful subjects!>
            (Rival Queen enters on a grand chariot, surrounded by Entourage)
           Rival Queen: <Aha!  I see my loyal servant’s work is done and the way has been cleared for my usurpation!  (Jumps off the chariot and lassoes the throne) <Yoink!>
            Queen: (Stands) <Oi!  I am still here!>
            Rival Queen: <Please – you are just his queen.  I am The Queen!>
            Queen: (Kneels again) <I concede the point.>
            15 Children: (Forming a line in front of the Rival Queen) <You still must contend with us and our mighty thirst for power!>
            Eldest Child: <Yield, false pretender!>
            Rival Queen: <That is redundant and therefore self-contradictory.> (Flicks Eldest Child on the brow; the latter falls down weeping.  The other 14 Children run away and drag Eldest Child with them) <Anyone else?> (The remainder of the unnamed court flee)
            King: (Lying in a growing pool of red food coloring) <I am – still – alive – >
           Rival Queen: <So?  If you actually do survive this, you would be useless: no one will follow you now that you were sucker stabbed, so buzz off!> (Hops onto the throne and stretches out across it)
           Jester: (Kicks away Assassin and subserviently approaches the Rival Queen) <New Majesty, might I ask a favor?>
        Rival Queen: <I am in no mood to keep around leftovers from the previous administration, but proceed.>
            Jester: <As you can see, I worked as a jester with that bunch – >
            Rival Queen: <Then you have five seconds to make me laugh.>
          Jester: < – however, my hidden job description was to speak the truth and dispense advice, which no one has ever listened to – >
            King: (Perks up) <Of course we did!  All the time!>
            Queen: <I always took your advice, you revisionist historian!>
           Jester: <If you had, then this one – > (Gestures at the Rival Queen) < – would not be sitting here right now>
            Rival Queen: <Ha!  Losers.>
            Jester: <So, I wish to ask for a place in your court, but as an advisor rather than as a jester.>
         Assassin: (Sitting on the floor and rubbing circulation back into legs) <Now that is treason!>
            Jester: <Not if the last group is no longer in power.>
            Assassin: <Got it.>
            Rival Queen: (To Jester) <Prove yourself, then.>
           Jester: <I told this crew to confront your army and defend the border back when you invaded the first time.>
            Rival Queen: <You’re hired.>
           King: <Alack!  That it has come to this!  Our former employee, joining the competition and receiving an unexpected promotion!> (Dies)
         Queen: <Woe is me!  Our Heaven on Earth, utterly destroyed by a change in management!  If only we had listened to the Fool would we have been ironically wise!> (Dies because there is nothing else for her to do now)
          Rival Queen: <Well that tidies up everything nicely.  Now, Advisor, what do you recommend my first act as legitimate tyrant of this stolen realm be?>
           Former Jester: <Clean up the damage from your invasion and help your subjects’ lives be better than they were before.>
          Rival Queen: <Sounds reasonable.> (Stands with raised sword in hand) <To the restoration!>
            Entourage: <Huzzah!>
            Former Jester: <And that is how you have a happy ending in a tragedy.>

CURTAIN

No comments:

Post a Comment