(In a Hypnotherapist’s office)
Hypnotherapist: (To Client) Welcome! Have a seat. (Client sits in a slightly uncomfortable chair) So, what brings you here today?
Client: Well, I’d like to stop hating people.
Hypnotherapist: OK, are we talking about a certain group of people?
Client: No, I’m talking about the human species as a whole. I hate all of them, myself included.
Hypnotherapist: (Begins taking notes) OK, and is this a sudden onset of loathing or have you had these symptoms for quite some time now?
Client: (Looks up to think) Probably can trace it back to when I hit puberty. Which was almost 30 years ago.
Hypnotherapist: Oh dear.
Client: Yeah, the feelings were mild at first – a little irritation here, slight angst there – but as the decades pile up, they intensified to the point where it’s a struggle to leave the apartment to go to work or do errands. Every single person I meet makes my life harder, or is yelling at me for something they messed up, or is just awful in general, or is bumbling around making the world worse. I could barely bring myself to meet with you today, but you actually might be able to help me so, yeah. Nothing personal.
Hypnotherapist: Indeed. (Stops writing) Well, I have a possible treatment that we’ll try first and see how that goes.
Client: Oh great! I may even like you now.
Hypnotherapist: …Since the problem seems to stem from your inability to let go of your childhood –
Client: What?!
Hypnotherapist: – I’m going to give you a post-hypnotic suggestion so that whenever you start actively hating someone you’re speaking to, you will visualize them as when they were a child instead.
Client: But you don’t understand: I hate children too, they’re not spared in this.
Hypnotherapist: I get that; however, your anger appears to be directed towards how most people transform into demonic trolls as they age – the post-hypnotic suggestion will regress them in your mind to a state where they, most of them anyway, were pretty much innocent and better than they are now. Before the nasty started accumulating in their brains, that is.
Client: (Shrugs) I guess we can try it; what’ve I got to lose?
Hypnotherapist: Just your deductible – now close your eyes and relax….
THE NEXT DAY
(At a supermarket, Client is stocking the shelves when Customer approaches)
Customer: Complaint, whine, personal insult, unrelated tangent –
Client: (Eyes glaze over as view shifts; Customer is now a 6-year-old child with tears streaming) Aw, don’t cry! Let me see if I can make it all better, whaddya say?
Customer: Heh?
Client: Would you like a lollipop? (Grabs one from uniform vest pocket and hands it to Customer)
Customer: Ummm, sure…?
Client: Now, let’s go up front and see if the nice employee at the Service Desk can help us out! (Takes Customer’s hand to skip to the front of the store; Customer also starts skipping while sucking on the lollipop)
THAT WEEKEND
(At a large family dinner, Relative is seated next to Client and berating the latter’s life choices)
Relative: Judgement, remonstration, homophobia, politics, racism, ramped-up judgement –
Client: (Eyes glaze over as view shifts; Relative is now a 6-year-old child pounding fists on the table) You know, your parents must be so proud of you.
Relative: Not to mention – what? The blazes’re you talking about?
Client: You’re growing up to be so independent and so strong! They must really be happy with how you’re turning out.
Relative: Uh, hello! They were your grandparents, they’re still dead, and I’m not far behind!
Client: (Smiles fondly and pats the top of Relative’s head) Such a fighter! I bet they raised you that way, too.
Relative: (Starts to sniffle) Yeah, they did teach me to stand up for myself….
Client: And you want them to be proud of who you grow up to be, huh?
Relative: (Nods quickly, tears flowing) I do!
Client: You’re so lucky.
Relative: (Full-out bawling) I was! They were the best parents anyone could ever have! (Collapses into Client’s arms, sobbing hysterically)
Client: (Smoothing Relative’s hair while wearing a serene expression) There-there, let it all out, I’m here for you.
Client’s Sibling: (Passing by) Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually comforting –
Client: Ssh – don’t ruin it.
THE FOLLOWING MONTH
(In Hypnotherapist’s office)
Hypnotherapist: (To Client) So, how’d the treatment go?
Client: (Smiling beatifically) Like a dream. I can face humanity now without wanting us all to be wiped out by a solar coronal mass ejection.
Hypnotherapist: Excellent! I’m so glad the post-hypnotic suggestion worked out well – I can write a paper on this and finally be accepted as a “real” doctor by all those snobs!
Client: Whatever you say, kiddo.
Hypnotherapist: Hm?
Client: If you keep dreaming those dreams and working real hard, you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.
Hypnotherapist: Uh, I already did… (Points to the Doctor of Clinical Hypnotherapy degree on the wall behind the desk)
Client: (Chuckles) Ambitious! I like it: visualize your goal now, and you’ll have a better chance of achieving it in, what, 20, 25 years?
Hypnotherapist: …Do you see me as a child right now?
Client: Of course! The world is full of children – you are all so easy to get along with! A few bad seeds, true, but just send them to military school and they can still be productive members of society, I’d like to think.
Hypnotherapist: You know, I’d like to do one more post-hypnotic suggestion to reverse the last one –
Client: Whatever for? I’m so happy now – you’re a genius, future doc! (Holds out hand) Want a lollipop?
Hypnotherapist: (Takes the candy warily) Not sure if I’ve created a monster in you.
Client: I’d say not: the world is such a wonderful place now that you’ve given me the proper perspective for it!
