(Inspired by The Exorcist, which I finally read for the first time recently; if a similar parody has been done already, then any resemblance this story has to that is unintentional)
(In a bedroom, a man wearing flannel pajamas lies on a bed with wrist and ankle restraints and a messy look indicating that he is clearly possessed by a demon. Two Roman Catholic priests stand out of range at the foot of the bed, reading from exorcism instruction books and occasionally flinging holy water in the Possessed Man’s general direction)
Possessed Man: (Speaking with a warped demonic voice) <Amateurs! I bet both of you were graduated from seminary school just so they could get rid of you!> (A stray holy droplet hits one of his toes) <Ouchie.>
Priest 1: (Reading from the book) “We call upon the powers of Heaven to cast out this demon….” (After a few moments, turns to Priest 2) That’s your cue, Father.
Priest 2: Well Father, I never know when I’m supposed to recite with you, and when I’m supposed to finish the verse, and when I’m supposed to respond after you finish the verse – the rules seem rather fluid.
Priest 1: Well Father, perhaps if you had researched how to perform an exorcism before asking for my help, there would not be such confusion on your part on when to jump in.
Priest 2: Well Father, perhaps if we had had a rehearsal like I had requested –
Possessed Man: (Rolling his eyes) <If you two are going to keep this up for much longer, I’m gonna start cursing your parents’ names again, so help me.>
Priest 1: You have no power over us, demon!
Possessed Man: <Oh yeah? Then I’ll be breaking out the really naughty words this time!>
Priest 2: Silence, foul beast!
Possessed Man: <Too late; here it comes! Ahem: your momma’s so – >
Priest 1 and Priest 2: (In unison) “We beseech all of Heaven to cast out this wretched spirit from this poor innocent creature!”
(A loud BANG! is heard as a cloud of smoke fills the room, sending all three into coughing fits)
Possessed Man: (Gagging) <Eugh, having lungs is a real drawback right now.>
(Once the smoke clears, a winged figure is revealed standing near the bed)
Priest 1: (Wiping irritated eyes and squinting at the figure) Are you… an angel sent from Heaven to aid our holy mission?
Demon: (Looks down at demonic self and then back at Priest 1) Clearly not. But your message was received and forwarded to our department though, so don’t you fret.
Priest 1: Oh. I’m a tad confused.
Possessed Man: <So am I.> (To Demon) <What the literal Hell are you doing up here?! This is a private possession!>
Demon: (To Priest 1 and Priest 2) Would you two mind stepping out in the hall for a few minutes, please? I’ll handle this.
Priest 2: We do not accept aid from evil ones!
Demon: Relax: this visit has been sanctioned by all your higher-ups, so don’t worry – you’re covered. (Waves taloned hands at the priests while shooing them out the door) Off you go! (Pushes the priests out of the room, slams the door, and rounds on Possessed Man) Un-believable!
Possessed Man: <What?>
Demon: How many times do we have to tell you to quit it with possessing random humans?! It does nothing for the cause, and it makes us all look like small-time idiots!
Possessed Man: (Smugly) <Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that – got this household in a right tizzy, didn’t it?>
Demon: Yeah! One household! Big flippin’ deal!
Possessed Man: (Slightly insulted) <Hey, word’s spread through the neighborhood. Someone snuck in a video too and posted it online, and now the whole world has seen what I’ve done to this pathetic creature, A-HA!>
Demon: Did you see all the comments saying that it’s fake?
Possessed Man: <Oh. Even when I do this?> (Levitates the bed and spins it in a circle horizontally and then vertically before setting it back down) <Eh?>
Demon: (Arms gesturing wildly) What – what – what’s the point of that?!
Possessed Man: <To demonstrate MY AWESOME POWER!>
Demon: And if you have “awesome power”, then how come you’re stuck in bed, in this one room, in restraints?!
Possessed Man: (Twitches feet) <…Working on that.>
Demon: Ugh, you’re the worst: you know that possession of nobodies has lost its meaning! The rest of us long ago moved on to possessing those with actual power and influence who have an actual effect on countless souls! Why can’t you get with the program?!
Possessed Man: <I tried, OK! Either those humans are already taken, or they won’t let me in!>
Demon: That’s no excuse!
Possessed Man: <Listen, I’m still doing my part! The seeds of doubt that there’s any goodness in this world and a benevolent supreme being have been firmly planted in all who have crossed my path, believe me!>
Demon: Oh, you really think so? Well, if your lazy rear got out of bed once in a while, you’d have noticed that half the household went from borderline-atheist to true believers the minute you started speaking in tongues!
Possessed Man: <Huh. Might’ve overplayed that one. I always like to show off the ol’ Aramaic – humans in the last few millennia are so easily impressed with that.>
Demon: (Briefly grabs horns in despair) Did you at least manage to corrupt the soul of the one you’re possessing this time?!
Possessed Man: (Shifts uncomfortably on the bed) <Yeah, about that….>
Demon: Yes?!
Possessed Man: (Irritably) <Well, you all got annoyed with the last few possessions when I went for innocent souls, like you want me to, so when I actually possess a child who – usually – is the most innocent soul there is, and I do my best to freak out everyone with my routine, all of a sudden now it’s “going too far”.> (Does air quotes with restrained hands far apart) <Whatever.>
Demon: And?!
Possessed Man: <And so I possessed this guy here, who’s done some things in his time, let me tell you.>
Demon: And??!!
Possessed Man: <And… well… let’s just say I’m getting the impression that the longer I’m in here, the more he actually seems to like it.>
Demon: What?!
Possessed Man: <He tried to hide it, but I did some digging and he’s secretly relieved he hasn’t had to go into work while this is going on – his boss is a real nightmare.>
Demon: All right, I’ve heard enough – (Points to Possessed Man) Get out of that human right now, young demon!
Possessed Man: <Ha! Never thought I’d see the day when one of us would be doing their – (Awkwardly gestures his head upwards) bidding! Tell them to come down here and make me leave, why don’t they, huh?>
Demon: You have no idea what goes on in the real spirit world, do you. The reason why I’m here and not one of them, genius, is that I told them I would get you to leave willingly, so if I can’t, they will come down here and finish you off!
Possessed Man: <“Off”? As in, eternally?>
Demon: In one!
Possessed Man: <Hm. They can do that?>
Demon: In cases like this, yes!
Possessed Man: <Hmmm….>
Demon: Well?!
Possessed Man: <Well, fine, I was getting bored with the whole thing anyway. Being strapped to a bed 24/7 really cut down on my self-care, you know?>
Demon: How unfortunate for you. Now, I’m gonna let those two back in here and whatever free verse they spout, act like it forced you out of this guy and report back to headquarters for punishment and reassignment.
Possessed Man: (Sighs and rolls his head back against the headboard) <All right, guess the party’s over. Send `em in.>
Demon: Good. (Points to Possessed Man again) And I’d better not be called up here for something like this again, got it?
Possessed Man: (Grumbles) <Yes, Smother.>
Demon: What was that?
Possessed Man: <Aye-aye, Captain of the Legion!> (Attempts a salute with a restrained hand but gives up)
Demon: Fresh. (Opens the door and yells out into the hallway) All right, Fathers – exorcise away!
Priest 1: (As he and Priest 2 enter) So, we’ll be able to cast out the dastardly demon from this poor suffering being now?
Demon: (Glaring at Possessed Man, who makes a face back) You’d better.
Priest 1: Very well, then. (To Priest 2) Let us proceed. (Both raise their right hands toward Possessed Man) “In the name of – ”
Possessed Man: <Psych! I cast myself out, losers – AHAHAHAHA!!>
(There is a roaring sound as a demon is seen leaving Possessed Man and flying out through a closed window, wiggling hands around ears at the others in the room on the way)
Priest 2: (Shakily to Priest 1, as Demon buries head in hands in exasperation) Is that it, Father? Have we truly cast out the demon from this man and saved his innocent soul?
Priest 1: (Places a trembling hand on Priest 2’s shoulder) It appears so, Father – goodness has triumphed over wickedness once more. (To Demon) You’ll understand if we don’t thank you, and our official report omits your part in all this, yes?
Demon: (Looks up at both with a grimace) I’d prefer it that way.
Formerly Possessed Man: (Looking fully human again and speaking with a non-demonic voice) Hey! (All three turn to him) Does this mean the possession’s over?
Priest 1: Indeed it is, my child – your soul is free from evil at last.
Formerly Possessed Man: Great-great: could you get me out of these things, then? (Shakes all four restraints) My back is killing me!