Story 332: They Always Come Back in the End

            (At an office party)

           Coworker 1: (Holding a plate of dessert) Glad they brought the cookies out for this one – I can’t eat cake anymore.

          Coworker 2: (Also holding a plate of dessert; gestures with it toward the guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I can’t believe she’s leaving – she’s been here for almost 15 years, and she’s just up and leaving.

           Coworker 1: (After biting into a cookie) Ugh, raisins?!  I thought they were chocolate chips!  (Holds up the partially eaten cookie to stare judgmentally at it) Liar.

           Coworker 2: I mean, she practically is the department by now – and you know they’ll take forever to hire a replacement, if they hire one at all – but I can’t blame her, I mean, taking a job in the City really is a better career move then staying pretty much anywhere in this area.

            Coworker 1: Ha!  She’ll be back in less than a year.

            Coworker 2: What?

          Coworker 1: You may not have noticed, but no one here ever leaves for good – they always come back in the end.  Look at our CEO.  (Waves at a partying figure in the corner, who waves enthusiastically back)

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but that was different: we’d lost our interim and needed them to come back.

            Coworker 1: They wouldn’t’ve come back if, deep down, they really didn’t want to.  Same thing happened in Marketing last year, and that guy had full-out retired for crying out loud.

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but – well….

            Coworker 1: Exactly.

            Coworker 2: Maybe he just got bored

           Coworker 1: Doesn’t matter: no one can stay away from this place forever.  It’s like a compulsion, a siren call, a literal pull – yoink! – back into the spider’s web of madness.  Same thing’ll happen to you, if you ever quit; doesn’t apply to people who get fired.

            Coworker 2: (Laughs nervously) Oh, well, I wouldn’t –

          Coworker 1: It’s obvious you’re looking – nothing to be ashamed of, everyone’s got their reasons.  I’m just saying: if you get hired somewhere else, don’t expect to be gone from here for long.

            Coworker 2: Really?

          Coworker 1: (Eats a mini-muffin) Mmm-mmm!  Uh-huh; I’m a prime example: I’ve quit my job here seven times already, and I’ll be celebrating my 20^th nonconsecutive year next month.

            Coworker 2: Oh.  Wow.

         Coworker 1: (Tosses plate and napkin into the garbage) Uh-huh.  My advice: take advantage of any food you can get out of this place.  (Heads over to the crowd surrounding the guest-of-honor)

            Coworker 2: Oh.  Hmmmm….

NEXT OFFICE PARTY

            Coworker 2: So, here we are, at another one.

            Coworker 1: Yep – nice that they sprung for finger sandwiches this time, really carries me over from mid-afternoon to dinner.

            Coworker 2: You were totally right, by the way.

            Coworker 1: I often am.  About what this time?

            Coworker 2: (Gestures with a plate toward a figure partying in the corner) She’s back, not six months after the last party here that was for her.

           Coworker 1: You doubted me?  The prophecy is always fulfilled.  (Gestures toward the current guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I’ll give this one a year since the company actually did hire a replacement right away, and I heard the new job’s pretty decent.  But The Call will always bring them back.

         Coworker 2: Hm.  You know, I actually gave my two-week notice to my manager yesterday.

       Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2, then laughs evilly) Seriously, though, congratulations and best of luck.  Going anywhere good?

           Coworker 2: Seems like it: it’s in a different field, but I’ll be doing stuff similar to what I’m doing here.  The pay and benefits also are much better, I hate to say.

            Coworker 1: (Devours a brownie) So, see you in nine months, then?

            Coworker 2: You shouldn’t; this is permanent.

            Coworker 1: That’s what they all say.

NINE MONTHS LATER

            (At an office party)

            Coworker 1: (Working on a piece of babka) Well, look who’s back.

           Coworker 2: (Grabs a plate and piles all the dessert onto it) Don’t, don’t say it, don’t say “I told you so – ”

            Coworker 1: Furthest thing from my mind.

            Coworker 2: Thank you.

            Coworker 1: BUT –

            Coworker 2: Ugh.

         Coworker 1: I like how you snuck in under the radar and they didn’t even announce you’d come back – classy.  So, did you start hearing The Call only recently, or did it begin screaming at you on your first day there?

           Coworker 2: Very funny.  You know, they should really disclose on job postings that all your coworkers are going to be psychopaths so you’re aware what you’re getting into before you fill out the application.

          Coworker 1: Good point.  (Gestures to the current guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) This one’s a fake-out, by the way: they’re not really leaving, just going from full-time to per diem.  Guess the company figured, do one party now and save the expense from a back-and-forth later.

           Coworker 2: (Angrily stabs a piece of cake with a fork) I’m starting to remember all the reasons why I left here, but I have to be grateful they took me back at all or else I’d be unemployed and in a worse mess.  Is this similar to being trapped in an abusive relationship?

          Coworker 1: Hardly – your life’s not in danger, and you still can quit whenever you want.

            Coworker 2: Sure I can.  (Angrily chews)

            Coworker 1: By the way, I gave my two-week notice the other day.

            Coworker 2: Really?  Why?

           Coworker 1: Needed a vacation – haven’t been able to take one in over two years.

Story 331: I Never Win Anything

            (At a bridal shower)

           Friend 1: (Checking watch) Shoot – there’s probably another hour-and-a-half for this thing, and I’d promised my cousin I’d go watch him play kiddie soccer at 5, so now I’m probably only going to catch the very end when they either all run into each other or score 10 goals for both teams.

           Friend 2: (Forkful of salad frozen in mid-air) The end-time for this was listed on the invitation.

            Friend 1: Who pays attention to that?!  Oh well, might as well stick around for the centerpiece giveaway, although I never win anything so what’s the point even?

            Friend 2: Oh come on, I’m sure you’ve won something in your life.

            Friend 1: I’m conveniently not remembering any of those instances at this moment.

AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF LATER

            Friend 1: (Checking watch and starting to stand) OK, now I really have to go – no more food’s gonna be coming, the staff’s getting antsy to clean up, and the bride-to-be doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall so I doubt she’ll even notice me leaving.

            Friend 2: (Looking at the other end of the room and waving a hand at Friend 1) Hold on, they’re doing the centerpiece giveaway now.

              Friend 1: (Sits back down) All right, you all get one more minute outta me.

             Matron of Honor: OK, everyone – if you have a ticket taped to the bottom of your seat, you get to take home the centerpiece, yay!

             Guest: What if the one at our table already left and the chair’s empty?

             Matron of Honor: Then duel over it – I don’t care, I’m done.  (Collapses at a table and downs a cup of coffee)

          Friend 1: (Checks under seat and freezes).  Oh.  (Pulls out a ticket that was taped there)  What’s all this?

            Friend 2: Yippee, you won!  Your streak is ended.

            Friend 1: (Gingerly takes the centerpiece and stares at it) My streak is ended.  But I never win anything.

            Friend 2: And now you have.  So be happy about it.

            Friend 1: (Still speaking to the centerpiece) Can’t: I have a strange sense of foreboding about the whole thing.

            Friend 2: Oh here we go.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At an office, Friend 1 is seated at a desk and speaking on a phone)

            Friend 1: Are you kidding me?!  How many times do I have to send out the same thing until it gets done?!  Does no one here read, or did they all just swear an oath to ignore me?!

            Coworker: (Quickly approaches the desk while pushing a cart) Hey – bad time?

            Friend 1: (To Coworker) Always!  (To the phone) I’m hanging up on you now – I just wanted you to know that it’s purely intentional.  (Presses the receiver, then slams down the handset)  So, what can I do for you, that I may or may not decide to do?

           Coworker: (Pulls a giant gift basket out of the cart and drops it onto the desk) You won the raffle today.

            Friend 1: (Stares at the gift basket) But I just entered that to donate to heart health – I wasn’t actually going to win, I never win anything!

             Coworker: Um, sorry, then?  Anyway, congrats, bye.  (Wheels cart away double-time)

             Friend 1: (Still speaking to the gift basket) What am I going to do with this monstrosity?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

Friend 1: (Answers the phone) Mmm-yell-oh?

          Caller: Connnnn-gratulations!  You have won two tickets to an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean –

            Friend 1: Now that’s just a filthy lie.  (Disconnects)

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At a café)

            Friend 2: …so I told him, “Listen, I don’t remember the job description mentioning that I’d be enlisting in the military or working on-call for the Emergency Department, so I fail to see why I should work nights and/or weekends in addition to a full-time shift when what we do has no direct impact on anyone’s health or safety.”  Was that too rude, you think?

            Friend 1: Not rude enough, in my opinion.  (Checks phone when alert sounds) Oh.  I just won the lottery.

            Friend 2: Awesome!  How much?

            Friend 1: …The jackpot.

            Friend 2: You’re joking.

          Friend 1: Unless there’s an inconvenient glitch, my numbers match their numbers.  All their numbers.

            Friend 2: Wow.  That jackpot was disgustingly huge.  You probably can retire!

            Friend 1: Not likely – I’ll be lucky if I see a quarter of that amount in the end.

            Friend 2: Oh, right.  But still, you won, yay!  You’ve been on quite the new streak lately.

            Friend 1: Hm.  I don’t trust this chain of events.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) So, how’s the rich life going?

          Friend 1: Too many taxes and previously unknown relatives.  Really digging the wiped-out debts, though.

            Friend 2: Well, I’m really happy for you.

           Friend 1: (Sound of tearing paper can be heard) Thanks; I’m sure it’ll have more pros than cons in the long run.  Maybe we can take a random trip to Alaska or something, I don’t know.

            Friend 2: Cool – I always wanted to see a place that’s in almost-24-hour darkness.

            Friend 1: Aw, nuts!

            Friend 2: Eh?

           Friend 1: I’m going through my mail and just got a notice about that contest I entered last year.

            Friend 2: I’m guessing from your tone that means you lost.

           Friend 1: Darn tootin’ I lost!  I was really looking forward to this one, too – I tell ya, I never win anything!

Story 330: Trying a New Sleep Schedule

          (In a department store, Coworker 2 is yawning at the customer service desk as Coworker 1 arrives)

            Coworker 1: Gooooood morning!  And how are we this fine day?

            Coworker 2: (Blinks groggily at Coworker 1) I’m sorry, did you come to the right building?

            Coworker 1: Silly-billy!  (Inhales deeply and exhales resoundingly) Ahhhh, isn’t it such a joy to be alive?  (Begins sorting through reshelves that are piled in large towers around them)

           Coworker 2: Are you sure you know you’re at work and not, I don’t know, the Bahamas, or the Alps, or the amusement park?  The store just opened and we’re already 10 years behind in projects, plus we have to start prepping for inventory at some point this afternoon, or did you forget that monstrosity as well?

           Coworker 1: Oh, inventory: what a great process to ensure our records match up with our stock.  (A bus-load of children enter the store) Oooh, young ones!  How their enthusiasm and destructive behavior revitalize my soul!

           Coworker 2: (Grabs items out of Coworker 1’s hands and slams them messily onto the counter) All right, spill it: did you take something before you clocked in today?  As in, something harmfully joy-inducing?

             Coworker 1: Whatever do you mean, ol’ chum of mine?

            Coworker 2: You’re never this happy when you’re here, and all of a sudden you’re treating this place like it’s Heaven.  And we are not friends, at all – you barely say “Hi” and “Bye” to me each day, and the feeling’s mutual.  Are you dying and just now appreciating life in all its glory?

          Coworker 1: Wow, that took a turn – no, I just feel so much better after doing an experiment during my days off this week.

            Coworker 2: An experiment-al substance?

            Coworker 1: Ew, no.  Look, you know pretty much everybody sleeps terribly, right?

            Coworker 2: I’d be the first to say “Yes”: I could keel over right now, but I’d probably whack my head on the counter on the way down.

           Coworker 1: Yeah, we all stay up way too late or have obstructed breathing or watch blue light way too long or all these things combined, so we don’t recharge our batteries properly and leave the door wide open for all sorts of other illnesses and conditions to just waltz on in.  Not to mention our productivity’s out the window, but I don’t really care about that part.

            Coworker 2: (Prolonged yawn) Sorry, I’m actually listening and that’s what inspired me.  So what’d you do?

            Coworker 1: So, these past few days, I finally told myself that enough was too much, and I completely changed my sleep schedule.

           Coworker 2: Oh, you mean you actually go to bed at a decent time and sleep the recommended seven-and-a-half-to-eight hours a night?

            Coworker 1: Better: I read an article that said that sleeping eight hours straight is unnatural and only came about because of the longer working hours during the Industrial Revolution, and we should be more like cats and sleep at intervals throughout the day instead.  So, now I’m a polyphasic sleeper and nap for 30 minutes every six hours, and I’ve never felt better in my entire life.

          Coworker 2: Wow, that’s… really impractical.  How do you get anything done if you keep having to stop to nap?

            Coworker 1: Surprisingly easily, considering that I’m now awake 22 hours a day.  It just takes a little creativity, and everything falls into place.  I nap, wake up, do what I have to do for hours, nap again, wake up again, on and on.  And I feel absolutely refreshed each and every time.

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but what if you’re out somewhere doing… something?  Or here, even: your shift’s eight hours long!

            Coworker 1: Way ahead of you: I arranged with management to stick my meal break at the end of my shift, so when I’m done I’ll go nap in the car and the manager’ll clock me out later.

            Coworker 2: I guess, but won’t you get hungry if you don’t stop to actually eat?  And that also doesn’t seem safe – have you seen who hangs out in the parking lot here?

            Coworker 1: It’s OK: when I set the alarm, the outside of the car’s electrified.

            Coworker 2: What?

           Coworker 1: I also locate perfect napping locations wherever I go now, too – I really should also locate at least two exits, but I can’t retain that much information.

           Coworker 2: I don’t know, this doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run.  What if you can’t fall asleep right away, and blow past your 30 minutes – or your body really does need more than two hours of sleep a day?!

            Coworker 1: I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and you can’t argue with the results!  (There is a loud crash towards the back of the store, followed by multiple sets of tears) Aw, a crisis – I’ll get it!  (Skips away)

          Coworker 2: (Slumps across the counter and yawns again) Still think you’re on something.

2:00 A.M. THE FOLLOWING DAY

            Coworker 2: (Awoken by the phone ringing, fumbles with the bedside lamp and phone, then answers) Buh-lo?

          Coworker 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  I just had a brainstorm for how we can handle the clearance displays later this week – want to meet up for coffee to go over all that?

            Coworker 2: …Now?

            Coworker 1: No time like the present! 

            Coworker 2: But I’m presently sleeping.

           Coworker 1: Not anymore!  Now you can try out my theory and see how much better you’ll feel all the rest of your days!

            Coworker 2: You woke me up during a dream where my celebrity crush was holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be OK.  I felt so at peace with the world.

            Coworker 1: And?

            Coworker 2: And now I hate you forever.  Also, I think you should check with a doctor before embarking on such a drastic health regime.  And on that note, I will forgive you for your dream interruption if you forgive me for – (Disconnects the call)

         Coworker 1: (Also disconnects, and resumes yoga practice) All visionaries encounter resistance.