Story 331: I Never Win Anything

            (At a bridal shower)

           Friend 1: (Checking watch) Shoot – there’s probably another hour-and-a-half for this thing, and I’d promised my cousin I’d go watch him play kiddie soccer at 5, so now I’m probably only going to catch the very end when they either all run into each other or score 10 goals for both teams.

           Friend 2: (Forkful of salad frozen in mid-air) The end-time for this was listed on the invitation.

            Friend 1: Who pays attention to that?!  Oh well, might as well stick around for the centerpiece giveaway, although I never win anything so what’s the point even?

            Friend 2: Oh come on, I’m sure you’ve won something in your life.

            Friend 1: I’m conveniently not remembering any of those instances at this moment.

AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF LATER

            Friend 1: (Checking watch and starting to stand) OK, now I really have to go – no more food’s gonna be coming, the staff’s getting antsy to clean up, and the bride-to-be doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall so I doubt she’ll even notice me leaving.

            Friend 2: (Looking at the other end of the room and waving a hand at Friend 1) Hold on, they’re doing the centerpiece giveaway now.

              Friend 1: (Sits back down) All right, you all get one more minute outta me.

             Matron of Honor: OK, everyone – if you have a ticket taped to the bottom of your seat, you get to take home the centerpiece, yay!

             Guest: What if the one at our table already left and the chair’s empty?

             Matron of Honor: Then duel over it – I don’t care, I’m done.  (Collapses at a table and downs a cup of coffee)

          Friend 1: (Checks under seat and freezes).  Oh.  (Pulls out a ticket that was taped there)  What’s all this?

            Friend 2: Yippee, you won!  Your streak is ended.

            Friend 1: (Gingerly takes the centerpiece and stares at it) My streak is ended.  But I never win anything.

            Friend 2: And now you have.  So be happy about it.

            Friend 1: (Still speaking to the centerpiece) Can’t: I have a strange sense of foreboding about the whole thing.

            Friend 2: Oh here we go.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At an office, Friend 1 is seated at a desk and speaking on a phone)

            Friend 1: Are you kidding me?!  How many times do I have to send out the same thing until it gets done?!  Does no one here read, or did they all just swear an oath to ignore me?!

            Coworker: (Quickly approaches the desk while pushing a cart) Hey – bad time?

            Friend 1: (To Coworker) Always!  (To the phone) I’m hanging up on you now – I just wanted you to know that it’s purely intentional.  (Presses the receiver, then slams down the handset)  So, what can I do for you, that I may or may not decide to do?

           Coworker: (Pulls a giant gift basket out of the cart and drops it onto the desk) You won the raffle today.

            Friend 1: (Stares at the gift basket) But I just entered that to donate to heart health – I wasn’t actually going to win, I never win anything!

             Coworker: Um, sorry, then?  Anyway, congrats, bye.  (Wheels cart away double-time)

             Friend 1: (Still speaking to the gift basket) What am I going to do with this monstrosity?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

Friend 1: (Answers the phone) Mmm-yell-oh?

          Caller: Connnnn-gratulations!  You have won two tickets to an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean –

            Friend 1: Now that’s just a filthy lie.  (Disconnects)

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At a café)

            Friend 2: …so I told him, “Listen, I don’t remember the job description mentioning that I’d be enlisting in the military or working on-call for the Emergency Department, so I fail to see why I should work nights and/or weekends in addition to a full-time shift when what we do has no direct impact on anyone’s health or safety.”  Was that too rude, you think?

            Friend 1: Not rude enough, in my opinion.  (Checks phone when alert sounds) Oh.  I just won the lottery.

            Friend 2: Awesome!  How much?

            Friend 1: …The jackpot.

            Friend 2: You’re joking.

          Friend 1: Unless there’s an inconvenient glitch, my numbers match their numbers.  All their numbers.

            Friend 2: Wow.  That jackpot was disgustingly huge.  You probably can retire!

            Friend 1: Not likely – I’ll be lucky if I see a quarter of that amount in the end.

            Friend 2: Oh, right.  But still, you won, yay!  You’ve been on quite the new streak lately.

            Friend 1: Hm.  I don’t trust this chain of events.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) So, how’s the rich life going?

          Friend 1: Too many taxes and previously unknown relatives.  Really digging the wiped-out debts, though.

            Friend 2: Well, I’m really happy for you.

           Friend 1: (Sound of tearing paper can be heard) Thanks; I’m sure it’ll have more pros than cons in the long run.  Maybe we can take a random trip to Alaska or something, I don’t know.

            Friend 2: Cool – I always wanted to see a place that’s in almost-24-hour darkness.

            Friend 1: Aw, nuts!

            Friend 2: Eh?

           Friend 1: I’m going through my mail and just got a notice about that contest I entered last year.

            Friend 2: I’m guessing from your tone that means you lost.

           Friend 1: Darn tootin’ I lost!  I was really looking forward to this one, too – I tell ya, I never win anything!

Story 262: Winning the High School Raffle

            (Scene: A high school cafeteria repurposed into an amateur auction hall – the round tables are grouped facing a podium, and gift baskets are everywhere)

            PTO President: And now, for the 50/50.  (Holds a bucket out to an unbiased child on loan for the occasion) The winner of this drawing also will receive a free Chess Club T-shirt, yay!  (One audience member claps) Yeah.  And the winner is – (Takes ticket from the unbiased child, who disappears into the crowd) zero… zero… two… five….

            Parent 1: Hurry up!  The tension is killing me!

            PTO President: Oh, are these numbers matching your ticket?

            Parent 1: Heck no, I never do 50/50s, now come on!

            PTO President: Uh… eight-four!

            (Massive groans are heard)

          Winner: (Holding the ticket high into the air) YES!  YES-YES-YES-YES-YESSSSS!!!!  (Runs to the stage, still with the ticket aloft)

            PTO President: Um, hello, can I just check – (Cranes head to check the ticket number)

            Winner: Sure-go-ahead-I-won!  (Tosses ticket to the PTO President, who struggles to snatch it out of the air) Now where’s the T-shirt?

            PTO President: (Grabs the ticket and checks the number) Uhhhh, here you go.  (Reaches into a bag, pulls out the shirt, and hands it to the Winner)

            Winner: Sweeeeet!  (Pulls on the shirt over a sweater)

            PTO President: (Reviewing notes) Oh, and your winnings in the 50/50 are –

            Winner: (Admiring shirt) Don’t care – give it to the school or flush it down the toilet, your choice.

            PTO President: Uh, that’s very… nice of –

            Winner: Got my shirt and I’m out, ahahahaha!!! (Runs out of the cafeteria; after leaving the door, can be heard faintly) Losers.

            Parent 2: Does she even have any kids who go to this school?

            PTO President: (Struggling with notes) Now then, time for our silent auction.  Our first basket is a “Girls’ Night Out” Theme –

            Parent 3: (Stands) Actually, that was updated to “Night Out” because everyone was tired of the spa packages and store coupons, so we just filled the basket with candy and booze.  (Sits)

            PTO President: Ohhh… kaaaayyy…. And the winner for “Night Out” is – (Searches the crowd) Where’s the unbiased child to pull the numbers?

            Parent 4: They left – it was time for beddy-bye.

            PTO President: Fine, I’m pulling the numbers then.  (Pulls out a ticket) And the winner is: zero… zero….

            Parent 5: That’s me! 

            PTO President: That’s everybody.

            Parent 5: Proceed.

            PTO President: Seven… I mean one…

            Parent 6: Aw, man, there goes that!

            PTO President: Nine… two… seven.

            Parent 5: That’s me!

            PTO President: That’s – oh whoops, sorry, that was a one again.

            Parent 5: That’s me!

            PTO President: Seriously?

            Parent 5: Oh yes.  (Walks to the stage carrying a bag full of tickets; hands one to the PTO President) Here you go!

            PTO President: (Checks it) Oh wow, it’s a match.  Basket’s yours, then.  (Hands over the basket)

            Parent 5: (Raises it aloft) Party at my house, fellas!

            Parents: Woot!  Woot!

            PTO President: Please sit down.  (Parent 5 returns to seat) Now, the next basket is donated items signed by our local football celebrity, whose team is in the playoffs this year, isn’t that great?  (Silence) OK then, let me see who won this…. (Checks corresponding bucket) There’re no tickets in here?!

            Parent 3: Yeah, nobody wanted random stuff signed by him: he was a brat when he went here, and he’s an even bigger brat now.

            PTO President: But he donated all this stuff!

            Parent 3: All this used stuff.

            PTO President: Oh.  Ew.  All right, next.  (Uses foot to push the previous basket off the stage) This one has an all-inclusive trip to the North Pole with passes to meet Santa Claus and – this is a gag basket, isn’t it.

            Parent 7: (Laughing hysterically) Man, people fall for that every time!

            PTO President: Wait a minute, is there anything actually real in this one?

            Parent 7: The basket?

            PTO President: Forget it.  (Foot-pushes that basket off the stage) We’re going to move on to the artwork raffle.  (More groans in the audience) C’mon people, these were made by your children!

            Parent 4: Apparently we don’t like our children.

            PTO President: Monsters.  (Pulls out a framed watercolor of a landscape) My goodness, that’s awful – ly full of potential!  Starting bid is $1,000.00

            Parent 6: This ain’t a New York auction house, you know.

            PTO President: Clearly.  All right, $1.00?  (Silence for half a minute, then Parent 8 slowly raises a hand) Sold!  (Parent 8 slowly comes to the stage to take the painting)  Is this is your kid’s?

            Parent 8: Yes, yes: you win, world, I will no longer force my child to be a brilliantly starving artist, are you happy?!

            PTO President: I think the world and your child are, yes.  Now let’s go back to the baskets –

            Parent 3: Wait a minute, what about the art?

            PTO President: The rest won’t move, and we’ve got another 25 baskets to get through in less than an hour.

            Parent 4: But what about the sculpture of the battling dragons sitting right there?  Now that I may actually bid money on.

            PTO President: Really?

            Parent 4: …No, never mind; I’m too cheap.

            Parent 5: Can I just take all the baskets home?  The odds of you picking my tickets for each are ridiculously high.

            PTO President: No you cannot, and we are going to be here all night if you people don’t stop interrupting the proceedings!

            Parent 7: Can we all just write a check donating money to the school or something and skip the rest?

            PTO President: No!  This is supposed to be fun and team-building and you get cool stuff!  Now I am going to keep calling tickets for baskets of random knick-knacks and you will all stay here until the end to listen and complain that you never win anything, all right?!

            Parent 8: If it makes you happy.

            PTO President: It doesn’t!  I’m not even supposed to be PTO President this year but no one else wanted to do it!  This is strictly volunteer and I resent every minute of it!

            Parent 8: Even if it’s for your kid?

            PTO President: My kid graduated last year!  Why won’t you people let me goooooo????? (Sits on the stage to cradle a basket and weep)

            Parent 4: (To Parent 6) Still the best PTO President we’ve had in ages.