Story 331: I Never Win Anything

            (At a bridal shower)

           Friend 1: (Checking watch) Shoot – there’s probably another hour-and-a-half for this thing, and I’d promised my cousin I’d go watch him play kiddie soccer at 5, so now I’m probably only going to catch the very end when they either all run into each other or score 10 goals for both teams.

           Friend 2: (Forkful of salad frozen in mid-air) The end-time for this was listed on the invitation.

            Friend 1: Who pays attention to that?!  Oh well, might as well stick around for the centerpiece giveaway, although I never win anything so what’s the point even?

            Friend 2: Oh come on, I’m sure you’ve won something in your life.

            Friend 1: I’m conveniently not remembering any of those instances at this moment.

AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF LATER

            Friend 1: (Checking watch and starting to stand) OK, now I really have to go – no more food’s gonna be coming, the staff’s getting antsy to clean up, and the bride-to-be doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall so I doubt she’ll even notice me leaving.

            Friend 2: (Looking at the other end of the room and waving a hand at Friend 1) Hold on, they’re doing the centerpiece giveaway now.

              Friend 1: (Sits back down) All right, you all get one more minute outta me.

             Matron of Honor: OK, everyone – if you have a ticket taped to the bottom of your seat, you get to take home the centerpiece, yay!

             Guest: What if the one at our table already left and the chair’s empty?

             Matron of Honor: Then duel over it – I don’t care, I’m done.  (Collapses at a table and downs a cup of coffee)

          Friend 1: (Checks under seat and freezes).  Oh.  (Pulls out a ticket that was taped there)  What’s all this?

            Friend 2: Yippee, you won!  Your streak is ended.

            Friend 1: (Gingerly takes the centerpiece and stares at it) My streak is ended.  But I never win anything.

            Friend 2: And now you have.  So be happy about it.

            Friend 1: (Still speaking to the centerpiece) Can’t: I have a strange sense of foreboding about the whole thing.

            Friend 2: Oh here we go.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At an office, Friend 1 is seated at a desk and speaking on a phone)

            Friend 1: Are you kidding me?!  How many times do I have to send out the same thing until it gets done?!  Does no one here read, or did they all just swear an oath to ignore me?!

            Coworker: (Quickly approaches the desk while pushing a cart) Hey – bad time?

            Friend 1: (To Coworker) Always!  (To the phone) I’m hanging up on you now – I just wanted you to know that it’s purely intentional.  (Presses the receiver, then slams down the handset)  So, what can I do for you, that I may or may not decide to do?

           Coworker: (Pulls a giant gift basket out of the cart and drops it onto the desk) You won the raffle today.

            Friend 1: (Stares at the gift basket) But I just entered that to donate to heart health – I wasn’t actually going to win, I never win anything!

             Coworker: Um, sorry, then?  Anyway, congrats, bye.  (Wheels cart away double-time)

             Friend 1: (Still speaking to the gift basket) What am I going to do with this monstrosity?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

Friend 1: (Answers the phone) Mmm-yell-oh?

          Caller: Connnnn-gratulations!  You have won two tickets to an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean –

            Friend 1: Now that’s just a filthy lie.  (Disconnects)

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At a café)

            Friend 2: …so I told him, “Listen, I don’t remember the job description mentioning that I’d be enlisting in the military or working on-call for the Emergency Department, so I fail to see why I should work nights and/or weekends in addition to a full-time shift when what we do has no direct impact on anyone’s health or safety.”  Was that too rude, you think?

            Friend 1: Not rude enough, in my opinion.  (Checks phone when alert sounds) Oh.  I just won the lottery.

            Friend 2: Awesome!  How much?

            Friend 1: …The jackpot.

            Friend 2: You’re joking.

          Friend 1: Unless there’s an inconvenient glitch, my numbers match their numbers.  All their numbers.

            Friend 2: Wow.  That jackpot was disgustingly huge.  You probably can retire!

            Friend 1: Not likely – I’ll be lucky if I see a quarter of that amount in the end.

            Friend 2: Oh, right.  But still, you won, yay!  You’ve been on quite the new streak lately.

            Friend 1: Hm.  I don’t trust this chain of events.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) So, how’s the rich life going?

          Friend 1: Too many taxes and previously unknown relatives.  Really digging the wiped-out debts, though.

            Friend 2: Well, I’m really happy for you.

           Friend 1: (Sound of tearing paper can be heard) Thanks; I’m sure it’ll have more pros than cons in the long run.  Maybe we can take a random trip to Alaska or something, I don’t know.

            Friend 2: Cool – I always wanted to see a place that’s in almost-24-hour darkness.

            Friend 1: Aw, nuts!

            Friend 2: Eh?

           Friend 1: I’m going through my mail and just got a notice about that contest I entered last year.

            Friend 2: I’m guessing from your tone that means you lost.

           Friend 1: Darn tootin’ I lost!  I was really looking forward to this one, too – I tell ya, I never win anything!