Story 276: To See Myself the Way Others See Me

            “You know what I wish?” Co-Worker 1 sighed in the breakroom.

            “What’s that?”  Co-Worker 2 did not look up from the magazine being read.

            “That I could see myself the way others see me.”

            Co-Worker 2 peered at Co-Worker 1 over the top of a pair of increasingly necessary reading glasses.  “Whatever would you want something horrible like that for?”

            “I dunno, it might be kind of fun.”

            “Ha!”

            “Well, I really would like to see things I unknowingly do that annoy people and then I’d know to stop doing them.”

            “You could just ask – I can give you a few examples right now.”

            “No, I think I’d have to see it for myself to know for sure what parts of me need improvement and what parts are awesome are they are now.”

           It was Co-Worker 2’s turn to sigh as the magazine was tossed onto the table, abandoned.  “Sure, fine, I’ll do it.”

            “Do what?”

            “Make you see yourself the way others see you.”

            “Yeah all right, what are you, my personal genie?”

            “I guess you can call me that.”

            “Ha-ha, hilarious.”

           “Yeah, I tend to forget to tell people about their one wish, maybe `cause it never comes up.  You’re not my first, you know.”

            Co-Worker 1 felt the sincerity of all this improbability.  “Oh wow.  OK, then: I wish I could see myself the way others see me.  Only for a day!” was hastily tacked on.

            Co-Worker 2 looked as if there were a sour smell close at hand.  “Are you positive you want to waste your one wish on that?  I probably could scrounge up a million dollars post-tax or send you on a vacation to the moon or something way cooler.”

            Co-Worker 1 thought this over: “Nah, those never work out right.  This, though, is honest and humble and selfless, so nothing whatsoever can possibly go wrong with it!”

            “Suit yourself.”

            Co-Worker 1 clocked in after lunch and was shelving a cart of the store’s returns for several minutes when a shrill laugh suddenly pierced the air.

           “What the blazes was that?!”  Co-Worker 1 zipped through the aisles and ducked behind a fixture to peer at the customer service counter, where an unfamiliar-looking employee was yukking it up with other employees and customers alike as passers-by gave them strange looks. 

            “And he’s like, ‘Oof!’, you know what I mean, heh-heh-heh!”  The bizarre being continued to cackle while typing with two fingers to search the store’s product database.  “People are weird.”

            Co-Worker 2 walked up next to Co-Worker 1: “Enjoying the view?”

           Co-Worker 1 could not look away from the spectacle: “Not especially – who’s that weirdo up there, anyway?”

         Co-Worker 2 stared at Co-Worker 1.  “You’re kidding, right?  You can’t even recognize yourself?”

           “What?  Heh-heh-heh, that’s not me, they have such an annoying laugh – I mean – look at them – you know – the hair’s parted on the wrong side!”

            “Yep, that always looks so much better in the mirror, doesn’t it?”

            Another cackling scream erupted.

            “Wow,” Co-Worker 1 winced.

            Co-Worker 2 moved on to sweep the front of the store: “You have no idea.”

THAT NIGHT

            Co-Worker 1 sat at the corner of a bar, unseen by all while observing The True Self, who was trying and failing to be the life of the party.

            “Did you see his latest movie?”

            “Um, yeah, you just talked about it five minutes ago – ”

            “Well let me tell you again what happened in case you didn’t hear it all the first time….”

            Later that evening, The True Self answered the phone.

            “What, Ma?  I’m out with my friends…. Yeah, I guess I can go visit them this weekend – do I hafta, heh-heh-heh?... I’M KIDDING!... Yes, I appreciate all of you, gotta go, it’s too loud in here, bye!”  To the posse: “Sorry, I’m a brat, but sometimes you just gotta whatever!”

            Co-Worker 2 grabbed a stool next to Co-Worker 1: “How’s the wish going?”

            “Miserably.  I can’t believe my face has been crooked this whole time!”

           “Yeah, so, forgot to ask earlier: did you want this thing to be a 24-hour day or a calendar day?”

           “What?  Oh, I guess calendar – I can’t take much more of this garbage, I don’t even know where to start with myself, everything is so abominable!”

           “If it makes you feel any better, you’ll be affected by these life-changing revelations for less than a week before it’s back to business as usual.”

          “Oh well, guess there’s no point in trying to improve anything then if I'm just going to relapse.”

            “Please do something about that laugh, though.”

            “If only I could.”