Story 299: Why Don’t You Go Outside and Play? `Cause I’m Working.

(Co-Worker 1 and Co-Worker 2 are at their desks, side-by-side in a partitioned-off area of the main office)

Co-Worker 1: (Suddenly stops typing and stares off into space; to Co-Worker 2) You ever wonder, what’s the point of anything?

Co-Worker 2: (Stops typing and stares at Co-Worker 1) No, and I wish you wouldn’t either.

Co-Worker 1: (Looks up through the partition’s window) Uh-oh, Big Boss is headed this way.

Co-Worker 2: Great, and I’m not even halfway through my report that was due… (Looks at watch) yesterday.

Co-Worker 1: You certainly let that deadline get away from you.

(Manager enters from around the corner of the partition and immediately begins talking)

Manager: So, I suddenly realized what modern society’s problem is.

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 stare at Manager, then at each other, then back at Manager)

Co-Worker 1: Oh?

Manager: Yeah, it all boils down to one simple problem: nobody goes outside and plays anymore!

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 stare at Manager, then at each other, then back at Manager)

Co-Worker 2: Oh?

Manager: (Grabs a chair, rolls it over to them, and turns it backwards to sit) I mean, kids today –

Co-Worker 1: Oh, here we go.

Manager: Hear me out: kids today are all sitting in front of screens playing video games, watching TV, wandering all over unsavory places on the Internet, and typing entire conversations to strangers, they’ve forgotten how to walk and talk!

Co-Worker 1: While I agree that that’s the overall trend, I do see plenty of kids playing sports, riding bikes, causing mischief on the roads, and rampaging through playgrounds, so I must deem your argument fallacious.

Co-Worker 2: (Whips out a notebook and begins scribbling) Thanks for the new word – I’m going to try using it in a sentence today.

Co-Worker 1: Not too much, or it’ll lose its power.

Manager: All right, forget the kids; I mean, look at you two now!  (The two look down at themselves) Sitting there in front of your computers all day long, when there’s a whole big world of life out there – (Gestures randomly out there) begging to be lived!

Co-Worker 1: Yeah, but we’re… working…?  Am I missing something?

Manager: You see!  Always an excuse!

Co-Worker 1: What?!

Co-Worker 2: Aren’t we being paid to sit in front of computers all day long?  Isn’t that what the company wants from us?

Manager: Well, it’s time you two took a break.  (Stands to reach the power cord where both computers are connected and rips the plug out of the wall)

Co-Worker 1: (Gasps in horror at the now-blank screen) A cold shut-down!

Co-Worker 2: (Also gasps in horror at the now-blank screen) My overdue report!  And I haven’t hit “Save” in 20 minutes, like a fool!

Manager: (Twirls the cord) You can thank me later.

Co-Worker 2: Can I actually remind you of this later when you’re yelling at me for not submitting this until next week?

Manager: (Laughs maniacally) Silly billy.  (Grabs the backs of their chairs and wheels them out of their section of the office) And away we go!

Co-Worker 2: (To Co-Worker 1) Should we run for it?

Co-Worker 1: Nah – I kind of want to see where this is going.

(Manager wheels them to the elevator, wheels them out when they arrive at the ground floor, wheels them through the lobby and out the front door as everyone else there watches uncomprehendingly, wheels them to the park next door, and collapses when they arrive at a playground filled with toddlers and their adult guardians)

Manager: (Lying on the soft hard-top, panting and pointing at the playground) All right – there it is – go play.  (Lets hand fall)

(Co-Workers 1 and 2, the toddlers, and the guardians all stare at each other for a few moments, then Co-Workers 1 and 2 simultaneously stand, life Manager up by the arms, and set the body on one of the office chairs.  Co-Worker 1 wheels that chair off the playground while Co-Worker 2 follows, dragging the other chair behind)

Co-Worker 1: (Stopping the group on a paved trail) You know, we appreciate the effort and all, but I don’t think we can just go… play over there, with all of… them.

Manager: (Recovered, but still seated) Whyever not?  There’s not sign saying that!  There’s no law!

Co-Worker 2: I think there might be.

Manager: Ridiculous!  Everyone’s always complaining how they miss their childhood when they played all the time, and here I am, literally throwing you two into play time, and you’re just standing there like a bunch of old people!

Hiking Able-Bodied Senior Citizen: Hey!

Manager: People who let themselves get old!

Co-Worker 2: I see what you’re saying, and that kind of play was fun when we were kids, but now, well….

Co-Worker 1: Now we just don’t wanna.

Co-Worker 2: Exactly.  Somewhere through the years, it just stopped being fun.

Co-Worker 1: And I hate to say it, but right now I’m exhausted just looking at them.

Manager: (Stands in a fury) What are you two, 30 going on 300?

Co-Worker 2: You’re actually not supposed to ask us our age –

Manager: OLD!  You let yourselves get old!  Well my late-middle-aged self refuses to, do you hear me?!  (Runs to an unoccupied sandbox, dives in, and uses a shovel to fill a bucket while weeping)

Co-Worker 1: You think the office’ll miss us if we hang out here a little while longer to keep an eye on things?

Co-Worker 2: I think we have a moral obligation to ensure our boss’s physical and mental well-being, and we’re only doing our duty in staying out here in this fresh air, green grass, shady trees – (Co-Workers 1’s and 2’s eyes begin closing) humming insects, sleepy breeze – ooh, look, there’s a nice comfy bench right over there, just waiting for us to take a nap on it!

            Co-Worker 1: (As they both trot over to the bench) Sweet.  My legs are killing me.

Story 285: Chamomile Tea Is the Flippin’ Cure to Everything

            (In an office: Co-Worker 1 is typing as Co-Worker 2 shuffles in, bundled up from head to toe, with a red nose, glassy eyes, and a hanging-open mouth)

            Co-Worker 1: (Staring as Co-Worker 2 stiffly drops into the chair at the desk, does not remove any of the outer items of clothing, and turns on the computer) Don’t tell me you’re sick again.

            Co-Worker 2: All right, I won’t.  (Hacks up a lung)

            Co-Worker 1: Gross.  Are you at least taking anything for it?

            Co-Worker 2: There’s nothing to take, it’s a virus – if someone gives me antibiotics, it’ll just make the bacteria that survive even stronger than they already are.  They’re poised to take over the world any day now, in case you haven’t heard.

            Co-Worker 1: Whatever; why don’t you use a sick day, that’s what they’re there for, and you wouldn’t be contaminating my space with your pestilence.

          Co-Worker 2: I don’t have any more sick days: I used them all up with my never-ending illnesses.  I’m also late with a bunch of projects because, you know, all the days I took off.  (Holds stomach as it grumbles) Ugh – you might want to clear a path out of my way, if you know what I mean.

            Co-Worker 1: Ew-ew-ew!  I’ll be right back.  (Runs out)

            Co-Worker 2: Don’t blame you.  (Begins typing with two fingers, one key every five seconds)

           Co-Worker 1: (Returns several minutes later with a steaming mug and sets it on the desk under Co-Worker 2’s face) Here.  Drink all of this now.

          Co-Worker 2: (Leaning on one hand, turns green while staring at the mug) I literally can’t stomach any ingestibles at this time, I thank you.  (Pushes mug aside)

            Co-Worker 1: (Pushes mug back) Trust me.  It’ll fix everything.

            Co-Worker 2: (Raises an eyebrow) Everything, eh?  That’s a bold prediction.

            Co-Worker 1: Just drink it, you’ll thank me.

            Co-Worker 2: OK, but be forewarned: it may not be pleasant here within a minute.  (Gingerly sips beverage, smacks lips, and nods) Mild.  Hmmm, soothing.  Aaaand it’s staying put.  In conclusion: not horrific.

            Co-Worker 1: Drink more, and give it a minute.

            Co-Worker 2: Sure.  (Sips a bit more, resumes tapping keys, then stops) Hold on.

            Co-Worker 1: You feel it?

            Co-Worker 2: (Pats stomach several times, sniffs clearly through nose, and breathes freely for the first time since entering the room) The sick’s gone.  Where’s the sick gone?

            Co-Worker 1: Feeling much better, yeah?

           Co-Worker 2: “Better?”  “Better” is not the word – (Stands, flinging off heavy coat, gloves, and hat) I am feeling ASTOUNDING!

            Co-Worker 1: Told you.

           Co-Worker 2: (Downs the rest of the drink and sighs loudly) Yessss, I am cured!  Absolutely cured, hallelujah!

            Co-Worker 1: You’re welcome.

            Co-Worker 2: So what is this, a miracle drug you’ve been holding out on the world?

            Co-Worker 1: Nope, it’s just chamomile tea.

            Co-Worker 2: Get out.

            Co-Worker 1: Sometimes the non-prescription ways are the good ways.

            Co-Worker 2: I don’t believe it!  Tea?!  This – (Holding mug aloft) is no mere tea!  This is the cure to everything!!

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know about everything; I just know it helps with nausea –

            Co-Worker 2: I must proclaim this panacea to the world!  (Dashes out of the office)

            Co-Worker 1: Oh dear.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Co-Worker 1: (Enters with New Co-Worker 2) And this is your desk; mine is right nearby if you need anything.

           New Co-Worker 2: Thanks.  (They both sit at their respective desks) Hey, this is where my predecessor sat, right?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh yeah.  (Begins typing)

            New Co-Worker 2: Have you heard from them lately?

            Co-Worker 1: (Swivels chair to stare at New Co-Worker 2, then swivels back to the computer to bring up a video) Oh, just this.

            (New Co-Worker 2 rolls chair over to Co-Worker 1’s desk to watch)

            (VIDEO: Former Co-Worker 2, a glowing picture of health, beams while facing the camera)

           Former Co-Worker 2: Hello out there, all you poor saps who suffer from illness, headache, nausea, soreness, pain, and all those other annoyances that plague us throughout the day.  Haven’t you ever longed for a cure-all pill that would take all that nuisance and chuck it out the window?  Well, long no more, because the answer you seek is not in pill form: (Holds up a steaming mug) it is the simple, modest, unassuming, taken-for-granted leaf-and-water combination that is CHAMOMILE TEA.  Just one sip, and what ails you will be utterly annihilated.  (Sips with closed eyes) This is all I ever drink now, and you should, too.  No more prescription meds all fighting each other and giving you more problems than you started with; no more constant discomfort with no end in sight; no more nothing!  And the best part is, no corporate sponsor, either: Chamomile Tea, available in the coffee and tea aisle of your local grocery store!  Take control of your life and start feeling non-sick today with this CURE TO EVERYTHING EVER!

            Voiceover: (While Former Co-Worker 2 continues to gulp down the tea) Warning: the preceding statements have not been verified by any medical authority.  Chamomile tea is not a tested or proven cure for cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, neurological disorders, heart disease, stroke, aneurysms, hypertension, hypotension –

            Co-Worker 1: (Pauses video) This goes on for another 10 minutes, but you get the idea.

            New Co-Worker 2: Oh wow.  You know a celebrity!

            Co-Worker 1: Sadly, yes.

           New Co-Worker 2: Actually, my stomach’s been bothering me a lot today, what with the stress of starting a new job and finding a parking space and everything – you mind if I go make a cup of chamomile tea for myself?

           Co-Worker 1: Go right ahead.  (New Co-Worker 2 runs out; Co-Worker 1 addresses the paused video)  Not that I’ll ever see a dime from all this, when you never would have known about it if it wasn’t for me!  And you can’t make money off of something people already know about, and that you didn’t invent, and that a bunch of companies already manufacture!  (Stomach grumbles) Great, now I feel sick.

Story 281: Black Market Vacation Hours

            (In an office)

            Co-Worker 1: (To Co-Worker 2) Psst!  Did you read the e-mail from Corporate yet?

            Co-Worker 2: (Continuously types) Which one?  There’ve been thousands.

            Co-Worker 1: You know, the one they just sent about our vacation hours?

            Co-Worker 2: The one that basically said “Use `em or lose `em”?

            Co-Worker 1: Yes!  How could they do that to us?!

            Co-Worker 2: What, tell us to take our earned vacation time?  What scumbags.

            Co-Worker 1: You know what I mean: not letting us accrue any more time off and then taking it away if we don’t use it!  That’s unconstitutional!

           Co-Worker 2: I doubt the Founding Fathers wrote in a provision for paid time off in the late 18^th century.

            Co-Worker 1: Well, it’s gotta at least be illegal now!

            Co-Worker 2: Sadly, no; that’s why they’re called “benefits,” not “requirements.”

           Co-Worker 1: (While spinning in chair) WhatmIgonnadoooooo?  I have over 500 hours built up in my bank!

            Co-Worker 2: …Take a vacation?

            Co-Worker 1: (Stops spinning to collapse on the desk) You’re hilarious.  I can’t take a day off until maybe September, and only if everything goes according to plan.

           Co-Worker 2: Well, that’s a sad commentary on the state of present-day American workers.  (Suddenly stops typing to face Co-Worker 1 and speak in a low voice) If you have absolutely no intention of using at least 90% of your hours, would you be interested in making some money off them instead?

            Co-Worker 1: (Head still is smushed onto the desk) I can’t: I already bought back a day for perfect attendance, and I can’t donate any more to the sick leave pool, I might actually need some of those at this point.

            Co-Worker 2: I’m not talking about that.  (Writes a name and number on a card and slides it under Co-Worker 1’s face) Call this person.

            Co-Worker 1: (Sits up and holds out the card to stare at it) Who is this, someone from Human Resources?

            Co-Worker 2: No, they’re with Maintenance, but they have the answer you need.

            Co-Worker 1: That sound suspiciously vague, but I’m desperate enough to fall for it.

         (Several hours later, Co-Worker 1 looks around to see if anyone is nearby, then dials the number)

            Voice: Maintenance.

            Co-Worker 1: (Loudly whispers) Hi, I was given this number by… a friend….

            Voice: You guys got a leak in the ceiling or something?

           Co-Worker 1: N-no, it’s just, well, I have a lot of time (Winks exaggeratedly) on my hands (Winks again) that I need to do something about (Winks some more).

            Voice: Listen, I can’t hear you winking over the phone, but make any excuse and get down to the Boiler Room in 15 minutes.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Winks again, then shakes head)

            Voice: One more thing: what’s a ballpark figure of time we’re talking about here?

            Co-Worker 1: (Lowers voice more) Oh, I don’t know, something around… 572.39.

            Voice: Holy moly, do you sleep here or something?!

            Co-Worker 1: That’s none of your business!  (Slams down receiver, then grimaces) I forgot to ask where the Boiler Room is.

           (A little more than fifteen minutes later, Co-Worker 1 arrives at the Boiler Room; several other employees are waiting in the hallway near the door)

           Co-Worker 1: (Nodding at them all while passing, not recognizing a single one) Afternoon.  (Knocks on the door, which opens after several seconds)

            Engineer: Yes?

            Co-Worker 1: Hello, I believe we spoke on the phone approximately 15 minutes ago – (Winks exaggeratedly)

           Engineer: Get in here.  (Pulls in Co-Worker 1 by the collar and yanks the door shut as the other employees start to rush it)

            Co-Worker 1: Are they – ?

            Engineer: Customers, yeah.  Had to get the word out while you’re still on the hook before you change your mind and back out.

            Co-Worker 1: Huh?

          Engineer: Sit down.  (Points to a chair in front of a desk; they both sit on opposite sides as Engineer starts working on a laptop that has a large number of cords coming out of it) So, how many of these hours are you willing to part with?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, um, let me see, I haven’t thought of an actual number, this is all happening so fast – (Sees Engineer glaring) I suppose I could keep a week’s worth and give up the rest.

            Engineer (Nods and types) What’s your employee number?

            Co-Worker 1: Uh, heh-heh, I remember way back at orientation they said we’re not supposed to tell anyone that….

            Engineer: I need it to get into H.R.’s database and divvy up your hours.

         Co-Worker 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute, are you actually (Whispers) hacking into H.R.’s database?

           Engineer: How else did you think was gonna work?  (Gestures to the room) Does this look like the H.R. office?

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know, I thought maybe this would be under the table or something.

            Engineer: This is under the table.  Now are you going through with it or not?  I’ve got a lot of desperate people out there who’ve run out of vacation time and sick time and need those hours badly so they can take care of their families.

            Co-Worker 1: Really?

         Engineer: Well, there’s at least one who keeps wanting to take cruises, but I don’t make judgements, just transactions.  So, are we doing this within the next five minutes?  I’ve got a department meeting in half an hour and my manager’ll kill me if I’m late again.

            Co-Worker 1: (Nods definitively) All right.  Let’s do this.  My employee number’s --------.

            Engineer: (Types and scrolls through information) Right; since you want to keep 40 hours I’m going to deduct 532 and assign them to those guys out there after I determine who needs how many.  The deductions will happen in increments over the next few months to avoid red flags, so you’ll see the number drop down slowly.

            Co-Worker 1: OK, that sounds… reasonable.

            Engineer: I also have to work out payment plans with the customers, so I can either send you the cash for each one or one big payment after I receive the last installment, your choice.

           Co-Worker 1: Hold on – (Points thumb back towards the door) they’re paying me?  But the hours are from the company!

           Engineer: Yeah, and they’ll be paid by the company when they use your hours!  We’re not about to double dip here: that would be wrong.

            Co-Worker 1: (Starts to stand) I don’t know, I thought the money was going to come from Corporate, I really didn’t think this through –

            Engineer: You certainly didn’t.  Now make up your mind and stop wasting my time, or I’m going to start charging you for it!

          Co-Worker 1: (Sits again) All right: go ahead with taking the hours, but I don’t want the money.

            Engineer: Say what now?

         Co-Worker 1: Just give them my hours!  That’s all I really wanted to do this whole time anyway, but H.R. doesn’t have a PTO donation option.

            Engineer: (Shakes head and begins typing again) If that’s what you want.  (Mutters) Weirdo.

          Co-Worker 1: I’m guessing you’re still going to charge those guys a fee for doing all this.  (Engineer gives Co-Worker 1 a “No duh” look before resuming typing) Yeah, I’d rather not know about all that.

          Engineer: (Hands over a form that just printed) OK: sign, date, and time here that you are waiving all rights to payment of hours, in perpetuity.

            Co-Worker 1: (Does so) Rather official for someone who likes to keep things off the record.

            Engineer: This is just for if you start complaining later, I’m taking you down with me.  (Files form in a cabinet drawer filled with folders, then stares at Co-Worker 1) You can go now.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Stands quickly and heads to the door) Uh, thanks for, uh, solving my problem.

            Engineer: (Resumes typing) Ha!  Those saps out there should be thanking you – not only are they getting a boatload of extra PTO, your inexplicable generosity cut their fees by 75%!

            Co-Worker 1: (Winces) Win-win, I guess.  (Opens door to leave; the other employees quickly enter and slam the door behind them) I don’t know why a good deed like this still feels shady.