(On
the phone)
Friend
1: Hey, what’s up?
Friend
2: Hi – one of my coworkers gave me two dolphin watch tickets they can’t use
now – wanna go? It’s for this Sunday.
Friend
1: Uh, sorry, what? We’re swimming with
the dolphins? `Cause that’s unnatural,
you know, for them.
Friend
2: No, we’re just watching them: you go out on a boat and they usually swim
right up and show off.
Friend
1: Oh. All right, I guess I can go then,
I’m always available.
Friend
2: Great!
Friend
1: But maybe not, `cause I get seasick.
Friend
2: Since when?
Friend
1: Since forever.
Friend
2: You went on plenty of ferry rides for field trips back when we were in school!
Friend
1: OK, maybe I was fine then, but ever since puberty, wham! Over the rails. I haven’t been on a boat in 20 years.
Friend
2: Wow, I never noticed.
Friend
1: Yeah, it’s not something that comes up naturally in conversation. So, it may put a bit of a crimp in my
enjoyment of this little sojourn.
Friend
2: Hmmm, that it would. Hang on, how
about if you take --------- before we go?
Friend
1: Never tried it. What’re the side
effects?
Friend
2: Don’t know, but check it out; most people who get seasick swear by it.
Friend
1: Sure, I’ll go get some, but it’s rude to swear.
Friend
2: …Yeah, see you on Sunday.
SUNDAY
(At
a dock next to a dolphin watch ship, Friend 2 waits on the bobbing pier as
storm clouds threaten overhead. Friend 1
strolls over without hesitation on the shifting boards, beaming widely)
Friend
1: Howdy-howdy-howdy! And how are we
this fine morning?
Friend
2: Did you get my message?
Friend
1: No. (Checks phone) Oh there it is.
Friend
2: It’s going to pour any minute, but the company said the boat’s still going
out because it’s supposed to clear up later, so I called to see if you still
wanted to go since the water’s gonna be really rough.
Friend
1: Clearly we both do. Shall we commence
boarding this here dinghy yonder?
Friend
2: I’m guessing you took the ---------, then?
Friend
1: I took TWO! (Starts bouncing up and
down with the pier bobbing higher and higher) Who knew what I was missing all
these years, wheeee!!!
Friend
2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Let’s just get on board
before I change my mind.
(The
passengers and crew board the ship and they set off into increasingly choppy
waters and pouring rain; Friends 1 and 2 find seats on the upper deck)
Friend
1: (Pointing) Look! A seagull! (Pointing) Look! A buoy!
(Pointing) Look! A swimming
human!
Friend
2: We haven’t left the harbor yet.
Friend
1: I know, and already there’s so much to see!
(The ship increases speed and starts heaving up and down in the waves)
Yippee, we even get a thrill ride on top of everything else, this is AWESOME!
Friend
2: (Turning pale) And we haven’t left the harbor yet.
Friend
1: You already said that. (Rummages in a
knapsack and holds out food) By the way, I grabbed our complimentary muffins
when we got here – want yours now?
Friend
2: (Stares at the muffin and swallows with difficulty) No thank you.
Friend
1: I’ll save it for later. (Munches on
the other muffin)
(Several
minutes later, dolphins are spotted near the ship)
Friend
1: (Runs on a downward slant towards a side railing) Awwww, they’re so cute! Look at them frolic! Hello, fellow mammals, I wish we could return
to our home in the sea and hang out with you all forever!
Friend
2: (Holding onto the back of a bench as the ship sways) Not right now, I don’t.
Friend
1: You should come over and see this!
They’re so many of them all around as if they’re trying to herd us
inland, and the lighting shows off their shiny skin wonderfully!
Friend
2: (Stands unsteadily) I’m going to head downstairs for a bit. (Lurches down the stairs)
Friend
1: Sure thing – watch your step, the whole deck is soaked! (Hears clicking from the dolphins’
echolocation and looks down at the nearest group) What’s that? “Go back to shore, you stupid land animals”? Freakin’ adorable.
(Later,
Friend 2 is seated in the lower deck and leaning against a window when Friend 1
plops down on the same bench)
Friend
1: (Drinking from a bottle and holding out another to Friend 2) Juice? This was free, too.
Friend
2: (Looks at the bottle and turns green) Please get that thing away from me.
Friend
1: All righty. (Does so) I don’t get it
– everyone here is acting all droopy, barely even glancing at a single dolphin
in the hundreds out there, and they all actually paid money to be here! (The ship dips very low, then high up while
cresting a wave; there are many moans and groans) Yesssss!!!! This is so much better than a roller coaster,
I swear!
Friend
2: (Bent over while seated, head between knees) I thought it was rude to swear.
Friend
1: Well, this is a day of many firsts in my life, let me tell you. (Suddenly looks out the window and points) Oh
wow, the rain’s coming down in actual curtains and that big ol’ whale still
is coming up for air! Nature is absolutely
amazing!
Friend
2: Can you scootch over so I can lie down?
Friend
1: Hm? Oh sure, I’m actually going to
head back up top: no one else is out there now, so I figured I can climb on top
of the wheelhouse and really get a good view!
Friend
2: (Lies down while Friend 1 leaves) That’s great, go to town, bye-bye.
(Several
minutes later, Friend 1 shakes Friend 2 awake)
Friend
2: Huh? Is it finally over?
Friend
1: What? No, I just wanted to let you
know the crew abandoned ship so I’ll be at the helm steering us back to shore
if you need anything.
Friend
2: (Bolts upright) WHAT?!
Friend
1: It’s OK, it’s got a steering wheel like a car and the engines are still
running so all I’ve gotta do is aim and brake, bye! (Runs back upstairs, whistling a sea chanty)
(Friend
2 slowly stands as the ship sways wildly, sees the quickly approaching beach,
and screams with the other passengers as they run aground)
Friend
1: (At the helm) THIS IS THE BEST TRIP EVER!
(Somehow holds onto the helm so as not to go flying through the front window
when the ship crashes)
(Later
as emergency services assist the passengers now on the beach, Friend 2 finds
Friend 1 sitting on a random boulder and staring out at the now-calm ocean)
Friend
2: Well, that could’ve gone much worse.
Friend
1: Uh-huh.
Friend
2: I mean, aside from some bumps and bruises, everyone’s surprisingly all
right.
Friend
1: Oh good.
Friend
2: Yeah, so I just heard now the company that ran this tour wasn’t certified –
I should’ve checked it out when I was given the tickets, but who thinks when
you get something for free, right?
Friend
1: You said it.
Friend
2: You OK?
Friend
1: …I think I’m crashing.
Friend
2: You already crashed – splendidly, I might add; we all owe you one.
Friend
1: No, I mean from the ---------. I
think it’s starting to wear off, and it’s kicking my butt on the way out. (Looks at Friend 2 with heavy eyelids)
Friend
2: Oh. (Sits on the boulder and puts a
blanket around Friend 1) Want to take a nap?
Friend
1: Maybe. (Leans head on Friend 2’s
shoulder) You know the weirdest thing about all this?
Friend
2: I wouldn’t know where to start.
Friend
1: It’s just that, I know their jaws are fixed like that, and I’m probably
projecting, but the whole time we were out there, I’m certain the dolphins were
laughing at us.
Friend
2: I’d believe it.
