(In a Motor Vehicles inspection bay, Friend 1 and Friend 2 wait in a nearby roped-off area)
Friend 1: So, we’re making pretty good time today, I think. Sorry you had to come with me to drop off the loaner and pick up the old girl – (Gestures to the car currently getting a physical by a technician) from the repair shop, but at least we can go to the beach right from here instead of having to take the extra time to come back and pick you up and then go. We should get a spot right on the ocean at this rate.
Friend 2: (Typing a work e-mail on the phone to pass the time) Uh-huh. You know you could’ve avoided all that if you’d brought the car in for inspection earlier in the month instead of leaving it last-minute, yes?
Friend 1: It is not last-minute; I’ve got a whole `nother week before the sticker expires! And I was going to bring it in earlier, but life happened, and then the Service Engine light decided to make its stage debut – couldn’t exactly leave that on, bold as brass, when I brought it here, now could I?
Friend 2: And then the shop found about six other things that needed to be replaced a year ago.
Friend 1: It was still safe to drive!
Friend 2: Yeah, a year ago. You’ve had so many parts replaced, your car’s turning into the Ship of Theseus.
Friend 1: I… don’t know anyone named Theseus, what?
Friend 2: (Finishes the e-mail and finally turns to Friend 1) It’s a paradox: Theseus with the minotaur and the labyrinth and abandoning Ariadne who helped him with all that –
Friend 1: Oh yeah, that dude.
Friend 2: – had a ship that took him around for those shenanigans, but gradually every single plank was replaced so at some point, could you say that the ship was even the original ship anymore?
Friend 1: (Tilts head to think) …In spirit?
Friend 2: Forget it; bottom line is, you’ve had so many repairs done that you probably should trade it in before it gets any worse.
Friend 1: You hush your mouth – it still runs fine, and I just got brand-new brakes and semi-brand-new what’s-it arms and sort-of new windshield wipers and passably new tires so it’s absolutely perfect right now exactly the way it is!
(Technician slaps a “REJECTED” sticker on the car’s windshield; Friend 1’s head whips around at the sound and unblinkingly stares at the glaring red-and-black notice)
Friend 1: [Deadly silence]
Friend 2: (In a low voice) Uh-oh….
Friend 1: [Deadly silence]
Technician: (To Friend 1) Can I speak to you for a few moments, please?
Friend 1: (To Friend 2, in a semi-choked voice) Would you excuse me while I deal with this travesty?
Friend 2: Just remember to breathe.
Friend 1: Yessss s’mother. (Exits the waiting area and passes the car, patting the hood lightly as it weeps) There-there, baby – Momma’s gonna get this allll straightened out. (To Technician) Yes, my good state worker, what seems to be the confusion here?
Technician: You’re gonna have to bring the car back for inspection. (Hands over several forms) Read the pamphlet, follow the instructions, and bring the car back after you’ve completed a drive cycle.
Friend 1: Forgive my diminished mental comprehension that apparently has struck me all of a sudden, but at the moment your words bear little meaning to me – this car is in perfect condition; better, even, since I literally just drove it in from the repair shop!
Technician: Well, that’s the problem.
Friend 1: But the wonderful service techs there repaired it so beautifully!
Technician: I’m sure they did, but they also shut off the battery which reset the on-board diagnostic system and now we can’t do a reading on it for the inspection.
Friend 1: Those jerks!
Technician: The battery’s always turned off so they don’t get electrocuted while working on the car.
Friend 1: I retract my slander. So now what?
Technician: Like I said, read the pamphlet so you know what to do to complete a drive cycle – you can check your car’s manual, too – and bring it back for inspection after that’s done. You get an extra month for it to pass. (Friend 1 stares blankly at the forms) OK? Can you leave now so we can continue with the miles-long line that we get here all day every day?
Friend 1: (Looks up blankly) Huh? Oh. Right…. (Blankly gets into the car, buckles up, and nearly drives away)
Friend 2: (Scrambles out of the waiting area and into the passenger seat) Hold-on-hold-on-hold-on – (Manages to buckle up as Friend 1 speeds out of the inspection bay and autopilots through the traffic jam leaving the parking lot) You gonna be all right? Want me to drive us to the beach?
Friend 1: (Stopped at a traffic light) It failed? I’ve never failed inspection in my entire driving life…. (Pats the dashboard soothingly as the car momentarily stalls) It’s OK, baby, it’s not your fault.
Friend 2: Are you talking to the car?
Friend 1: (Suddenly snaps out of it as the light turns green and they continue on the road) Wait a minute, it’s not my fault, either! Why didn’t anyone at the shop tell me to wait before taking the car in for inspection?!
Friend 2: Probably because no else does that.
Friend 1: I can’t be the only one! And the sticker’s right there, date and all! (Gestures with one hand at the inspection sticker, notices the “DETCEJER” above it, and shakes fist at it) And now I’ve got a modern-day scarlet letter! Word.
Friend 2: I don’t think it’s their job to monitor your inspection schedule.
Friend 1: Well – then – I am going to write them a very sternly worded SUGGESTION!
Friend 2: Splendid. The beach is in the opposite direction, by the way.
Friend 1: FIDDLESTICKS! (Plows through a U-turn while yelling out the window) Out of the way! I’m driving a failed-inspection car so I’ve got nothing to lose!
Friend 2: (Head buried in hands to block the view) Please let us make it there in one piece.
(At the beach, Friend 2 is reading a book while relaxed in a chair under the umbrella while Friend 1, sitting on a blanket, agitatedly reads the failed-inspection paperwork while scrolling through a phone)
Friend 2: You know, the sun is shining brightly, the beach is basically clean, the ocean is beautifully crashing itself onto the shore, the out-of-school children and their adults are mostly behaving themselves, and you’re not taking in any of it because of one minor inconvenience.
Friend 1: (Turns slowly in horror to Friend 2) “Inconvenience”? “Minor”?
Friend 2: Yeah – I read the papers on the way here and you really only have to drive the car on the highway a bit, stop-and-go a few times, and let it sit overnight; you’re practically there now, I bet.
Friend 1: Did you also read the part where I can still receive a citation if I let it go past the end of this month?!
Friend 2: (Eyebrows knot in confusion) Don’t remember that – it said you have until the end of next month now, where’s you see that other bit?
Friend 1: Here! (Holds up the phone showing the Motor Vehicles’ site detailing failed inspections) The scarlet word won’t save me – I can get pulled over and thrown into jail at any moment!
Friend 2: Hardly – you’d probably just get fined.
Friend 1: Not feeling better!
Friend 2: (Starts burying feet in the sand) Face it, you’re just upset because you failed something that basically was avoidable if the timing was better and you’d known what might happen, and you now have to spend extra time, money, and gas to have it resolved.
Friend 1: (Returns to reading the forms) Those facts are not in dispute. (Lowers the papers with a sudden slam) And now I have to wait on that super-long line AGAIN!
Friend 2: (Shrugs while sipping water) Go early in the morning.
Friend 1: And sacrifice my sleep?! (Gasps) And what if it FAILS again?! What am I gonna do then?! How many times can I fail inspection before something happens?! (Suddenly stands and runs into the ocean) This whole week is ruined! (Dives into the water and starts punching the waves as fellow beachgoers cheer)
Friend 2: (Returns to reading the book) Your own worst enemy – ooh, the butler actually did do it, should’ve known that was coming.
ONE WEEK LATER
(In the Motor Vehicles inspection bay, the car is being reinspected as Friend 1 bites nails while standing in the waiting area)
Technician: (Scrapes off the stickers and adds a new one dated two years in the future) You’re all set – have a good day!
Friend 1: (Yanks nails out of mouth) Wait – that’s it?
Technician: Yep! And as an added bonus, since it’s barely 7 in the morning I’m happy for you for the next five minutes!
Friend 1: (Leaves the waiting area) No, wait, you probably don’t remember me from last week –
Technician: Nope!
Friend 1: (Hands over papers) My car failed inspection then, so these said I have to bring them back now – isn’t there something else that needs to be done for this, like balloons and streamers or something?
Technician: Sure. (Takes the papers, crumbles them into a ball, and tosses that into a nearby trash can) Sweet! Three points! (Turns back to Friend 1) Seriously: get outta here now.
Friend 1: OK, thanks! (Dives into the car and speeds off)
Technician: (Turns back to face the entrance to the bay; smile drops when seeing the ginormous line that was not there several minutes ago) And so it continues….
Friend 1: (Driving back home, rubs the dashboard soothingly) It’s all right, it’s over now…. (Cell phone rings; Friend 1 answers it on speaker) Hey, what’s up?
Friend 2: (Voice) So, what’s the verdict? Pass or fail again?
Friend 1: How’d you know I’d’ve been there and had it done by now?
Friend 2: I know you.
Friend 1: Smug. It passed, woo-hoo!
Friend 2: Thank goodness – now we can all breathe in peace.
Friend 1: Oh hardy-ha-ha, you’re no help whatsoever.
Friend 2: Hey, I was there the first time! Only because we had plans for later, but still.
Friend 1: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you’ll be relieved to know the Ship of Theseus is still sailing smoothly; I have a new sticker that will ward off the well-intentioned monitors for the next two years; and – (Eyes cut over to the dashboard) and –
Friend 2: And?
Friend 1: AND THE SERVICE ENGINE LIGHT’S BACK ON AGAIN!
Friend 2: At least it waited until after the inspection this time.
Friend 1: True.
