Story 457: The Unbiased Film Critic

Unbiased Film Critic (online video channel)

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Video #1,372: “Unbiased Review of The Reason for Existing”

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(Unbiased Film Critic is seated in an overstuffed armchair, looking and sounding extremely haggard while holding an energy drink with the logo blurred out; there is a plain blue background throughout the video)

Unbiased Film Critic: Hello folks, and welcome to Episode Number… I don’t even know what I’m up to on these, of Unbiased Film Critic.  You know the drill: I spend my days and nights watching gajillions of movies made all over the world, and then turn around and give it to you straight, so you can make a well-balanced decision on whether to spend your hard-earned money and hours of your life that you really can’t spare on studio bonuses, suspicious popcorn, liquid sugar, and 30 minutes of commercials before, during, and after the film.  (Takes a swig of the energy drink) AND, with the advent of streaming services forcing themselves into every aspect of our leisure time, if you are considering watching a movie there instead of in a theater, I’m here to help you with the cost-benefit ratio of your subscription.  I like to think I provide an invaluable service to the public, otherwise, what is the point of my existence, which I am not even posing as a rhetorical question.  So: today, I’m going to talk to you about the much-anticipated, astronomically-budgeted, in-your-face marketed, awards-bait new release this weekend, The Reason for Existing.  (Shifts in the chair trying to get more comfortable) Let me get this out of the way right now: I hated it.  I thought every single character and corresponding actor – with the exception of the dog, because of course – was the most irritating person it has been my misfortune to witness, either on the silver screen or in everyday life; none of the production design was pleasing to my eyes; the director’s choices in nearly every aspect of the film’s journey hurt my core being; the list goes on.  (Shifts in the chair again) Having said that, I will also attest that this is possibly the greatest film to have ever been created in the history of cinema.  And let me tell you why.

[Opening title card for the video: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Tell You THE TRUTH”]

Unbiased Film Critic: (Takes another swig of the energy drink) I won’t beat around the bush: when I say this film has everything anyone could ever want in a moving picture, I am not saying it lightly.  It covers all the genres, but primarily action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, comedy, romance, and documentary; there is a cast of literally thousands – the end credits for them alone took 45 minutes; so many themes are covered that I lost count a tenth of the way in; and the main plot really boils down to: “Why are we here, anyway?”  No one knows for certain, but this film makes the bold attempt in trying to answer that.  There are scores of subplots that I lost interest in, but not one of them was dropped and they all tied in seamlessly with the main story.  The significance of this piece is so immense, that I’m doing one of my rare departures from my solo act and invited a few of the filmmakers to say, in their own words, why this movie was so darn good, as it simultaneously ate away at my very soul.

(Now facing the camera from a different angle with a guest sitting opposite)

Unbiased Film Critic: Joining me today is the film’s soundtrack composer, who is said to have spent two years in prep work alone before writing a single note for this score – (Turns to the guest) is that actually correct?

Composer: Yes, thank you; this film was such a passion project for all of us involved, I really wanted to immerse myself in the world that was being created before I could begin working on even the basic themes for the characters and the piece in general.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and you chose strings as your primary instruments in the score, yes?

Composer: Oh yes, those definitely were the instruments to really capture what we were trying to convey here: the desperation for connection these characters yearned for, that also resonates in all things throughout the universe.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And as my ears took in sounds akin to a multitude of cats being strangled whilst reciting “The Star-Spangled Banner,” (Composer double-takes) each theme, movement, and change in time signature so aptly fit the evolving narrative and emotional underpinnings of each scene, that I don’t think movie audiences will ever experience the likes of such perfection in orchestration ever again – how did you do it?

Composer: Ummmm… it was a team effort?

Unbiased Film Critic: Really.

Composer: It was a lot of hard work by a lot of talented people.

Unbiased Film Critic: And so it seems.  I will forever be saddled with the ear worm of the tormented souls of the underworld, but rest assured, you have truly created a masterpiece in the flawless union of film and music.

Composer: Ummmm… thanks?

Unbiased Film Critic: You’re welcome.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) OK, we’re done here.

Composer: Oh-thank-goodness.  (Hastily vaults out of the chair)

            (Cut to Unbiased Film Critic facing the front again and now holding several pieces of paper instead of the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: The director of this epic work is currently filming evidence of human rights violations in all 200-ish countries of the world and so, unfortunately, could not join me on this session, so instead I will read from a letter that I had written with my interview questions, and then the response.  (Unfolds the papers while putting on a pair of glasses) I’ll skip the preliminaries and go straight to the meat… ah!  Here it is: (Reads) “Your use of Dutch angles brilliantly conveyed the uncertainty of the characters’ reality and maintained suspense effectively throughout the film, while also giving me an extreme case of vertigo from which, I fear, I may never recover.  Do you make such choices consistently with intention, or is it your unconscious mind that inspires this, dare I say, genius?”  (Turns to another page) Another of my questions was… (Reads) “The cacophony of sounds, visuals, and plot overwhelmed my senses to the point where I needed to spend the remainder of the day and night with the blinds drawn and doors closed to the world, in order to reset my entire body back to default mode – since these elements were so apt in conveying the film’s messages of hope vs. nihilism, did you come up with the entire overloaded palette on your own, or did you collaborate with the screenwriter to create such an effective tour de force of chaos?”  (Unfolds another piece of paper) To which the response was… (Reads) “I’m sorry, were these compliments or are you being sarcastic?”  (Takes off the glasses and faces the camera) I was unable to complete another volley of correspondence before this video needed to be posted online, so I will simply answer that question to my questions with another question: “Do you not know me at all?”

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic sitting opposite another guest)

Unbiased Film Critic: Here with me now is the aforementioned screenwriter, whose life work has culminated in this story of unbridled mayhem, awkward true lust, irritating personalities, and the true meaning of life.  (Turns to Screenwriter) Welcome.

Screenwriter: (Uncertain) Hi….

Unbiased Film Critic: My question for you is this: with all your characters’ quirks, peccadillos, and off-puttingness in general, did you base them on any actual human beings of your acquaintance in order to make them so true-to-life and meaningful?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… I just wrote what I notice a lot of people are like.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Brilliant.  And was the love story, of which the schmaltz practically had me gagging for 129 of the 417-minute runtime, intentionally created to be so resonating and universal from the start, or did some of that come from the actors’ work on the role and their natural, riveting chemistry with each other?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… mostly me, but some of them.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And the dialogue –

Screenwriter: (Wincing) Yeah?

Unbiased Film Critic: I predicted the punch lines of all the jokes and the outcomes of almost all the arguments.

Screenwriter: Yeah…?

Unbiased Film Critic: This is not a question, but I really must say, those were all so authentic and genuine that I was nodding in agreement for the entire piece, as I simultaneously gripped the front of the armrests of the theater lounge chair to counteract the cringe.

Screenwriter: Uhhh… thank you?

Unbiased Film Critic: (Turns to the camera) I don’t why my interview subjects say it that way.

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic solo again, back to holding the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: As I wrap this up, I realize that I now need to spend more hours than usual on post-production for this video, which I dread with all my essence.  Once upon a time, I used to write film review articles for newspapers and magazines; I even had my own column for a bit, as some of my more “mature” viewers may remember.  (Empties the can and tosses it into an off-screen bin)  Now, to remain relevant with the kids and maintain a steady income, I had to teach myself to create these videos for the “likes” and “subscribes” and “ad revenue,” cutting into the precious two hours of sleep I get each night after watching film upon film upon film, occasionally having to schedule interviews like the ones you saw earlier, reviewing my notes on the piece to get my thoughts in order, actually filming the videos with five billion takes for every 30 seconds, adding in special effects like clips and sound effects just to keep you all from getting “bored” – which I didn’t bother with this time, because too bad – and then editing everything together to form one coherent piece that takes up enough airtime to justify the commercials.  In short, I myself had to become a filmmaker, in order to continue a career in critiquing films.  Trust me when I say, the irony is not lost.  (Reaches off-screen to grab another energy drink, opens the tab, and takes a swig) In conclusion: The Reason for Existing should and probably will win every film award ever made; you all should go see it if you haven’t already and have your soul filled with profundity; and even if I never see it again, it’s too late for my worn-out nerves.  Thank you for watching, and now I’m off to see “Horror in My Mind” to review for you next – it promises to be another assault on all my senses, that will contain momentous messages on compassion and the true natures of good and evil.  I’ll let you know tomorrow, after I’ve taken a nap, on:

[Title card: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Will Bash Films That I Enjoy Immensely If They Are Absolute Rot”]

Story 440: Feel the Burn: Behind the Scenes

 (At a gym after an intense exercise class)

Host: (Sweating with everyone else) Whoo!  We all did great today, I’m so proud of us, see you next time!

(The attendees stagger out the door as Partner enters)

Partner: (To Host) Hey, you done for the day?

Host: (Toweling off) Almost: got a dance cardio workout starting in 15 minutes, so that’ll be my cool-down for the end of the day.  Wanna go for a five-mile run afterward?

Partner: No thanks: I climbed three flights of stairs in my office building earlier, so I’m all set for the day.

Host: (Chuckles sinisterly) Don’t worry, you’ll join us one of these days.

Partner: You know, I’ve been thinking: why don’t you film some of these routines and put `em online?  You’d probably get a lot of followers and make a nice bit of change with all the views and the ads and the sponsors and the what-nots, assuming they’re not all robots.

Host: (Thinks on that while drinking a full bottle of water, then shakes head) Nah; that actually came up way back in orientation and we were told we’re not allowed to film what we do here; I think it’s viewed as “double-dipping” and a “privacy nightmare,” and they’d be a bit irritated I’m using their facilities to take away their own customers.

Partner: Fair enough – you can film them at home, then.

Host: Ew, have everyone see our apartment, gross!

Partner: Our apartment’s not that gross.

Host: Of course it isn’t; I meant the entire digital world seeing it would be gross.

Partner: Oh – we can just clear out some space for you to film, then; no big deal.

Host: Where, your half of the closet?

Partner: No, silly, in the living room!  We can move the TV over to the other side and you can set up an area by the back wall; I probably just need to relocate the faux Mona Lisa hanging up there right now.

Host: (Thinks some more on that, then nods) Uh-huh, OK, I still have the filming equipment from when my video game live streams failed to take off….

Partner: Oh yes, that.

Host: You think people’d want to see my workouts, though?  I mean, there’re already a bajillion videos to pick from – I think I’m too late to the game and the market’s saturated.

Partner: Possibly, but people here like your classes a lot; yours are uniquely… intense.

Host: (As new class members arrive) That they are: only the exceptionally strong survive in these four walls.  The rest I kick out, and they still love me for it.

Partner: (Backing out the door while the class members set themselves up with their mats) We’ll talk more later – just think about it while you’re… (Waves arms around the room) whatever it is you’re about to do here.

Host: Feel free to sign up!

Partner: You’re funny.  (Runs away)

Host: (Turns on music and faces the class) Hey-hey-hey, everybody!  Ready to dance the night away?!

Class: Yeah!

Host: Well we only have 45 minutes, so this’ll have to do – and kick!  And kick!  And spin!  And split!  And leap! And pirouette!  And high kick!  And spin the other way!  And rond de jambe!  And pas de bourrée!  And higher kick!  And – you!  (Points to a class member in the back, then thumbs to the door) Out!

Class Member: (Head bowed, grabs mat and trots out the door) Yes, Teacher; sorry, Teacher.

Host: (To the rest of the class) Now dip yourselves!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(In Host and Partner’s living room, half of which has been converted into a film studio)

Host: (Clipping on a small microphone) You realize we can’t have guests over here anymore, right?

Partner: (Adjusting lights and setting up the camera) No worries: I’ve gotten to be a pro at taking down and reassembling all this stuff.

Host: If you say so.  (Reviews notes and lightly bounces on feet) You know, I’m never nervous teaching classes at work, but for some reason right now this is low-key freaking me out.

Partner: Makes sense – this is something the whole world will see; I’d be a wreck if I were you.

Host: Thanks.

Partner: (Walks over to adjust Host’s microphone) The beauty of this is that it’s not live – we can stop whenever you want and fix it in post.

Host: “Post”?

Partner: Post-production.  We can edit out any mistakes later.

Host: Oh.  Well, I don’t want to stop – we’re all supposed to be doing this together, at the same time.  If I keep stopping mid-routine and expect them to keep going, it’ll be inauthentic.

Partner: Whatever you want – just know that we can always start over again from the top if something gets messed up.

Host: There is no “starting over” in my workout classes!  We own our mistakes and commit through to the end, whatever that may be!

Partner: Fine, then consider this take as dress rehearsal, happy?!

Host: Yes.  Proceed.  (Starts generic upbeat music)

Partner: Oh yeah, we’re also gonna have to make sure whatever music you use is public domain or else we’re gonna get sent a takedown notice for the video.

Host: I guess that’s reasonable, yet I feel unreasonably irritated at the possible extra work.  Anything else I should be aware of as I enter the online jungle?

Partner: No, I think that’s it for now – I’ll monitor your comments section and get rid of the trolls and any flame wars.

Host: My hero.  (Takes place in the center of the cleared space as Partner starts the camera, signaling Host to begin)

Host: (Voice cracks) Hey – ahem, cough – Hey-hey-hey!  My name is –

Partner: Your name’ll be on the channel; no one needs to hear it.

Host: Oh.  I had a whole intro and everything.

Partner: Just type it up for the channel description and get to the meat!

Host: Yes, boss. 

Partner: [Grinds teeth]

Host: (Clears throat) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  This video is a basic cardio workout for all you beginners out there – if this doesn’t scare you away, then stick around for the advance class coming up at undetermined date!

Partner: Edit that last part out.

Host: I want them to know there’ll be an advance class coming up at an undetermined date.

Partner: They’ll either sign up for your alerts or never come back anyway; I’m going to revise your script later, just – keep going!

Host: Rude.  (To the camera) Now, let’s warm up first! (Warms up for five minutes) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!  Now, onto the main workout – first up, lunge-to-push-up-to-lunge!  (Lunges, drops to deep push-ups, jumps back up to a lunge, and continues)

Partner: You sure this is beginner?

Host: It is in my class!  (On a lunge, knocks over a light) Shoot!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light) I’ve got it – keep going!

Host: But –

Partner: I SAID “KEEP GOING”!!

Host: Sheesh. (Smiles at the camera) Time to work on those abs!  (Lies down on a mat and does twisting crunches while kicking out the opposite leg) Faster, faster, mwahahaha!

Partner: (Back behind the camera) Easy there; you’ll scare off potential viewers.

Host: There’s no room on this channel for cowards!

Partner: You might want to ease them into that fact, though.

Host: (Sighs) Fine, I’ll hold myself back a bit for this session.  (To the camera) You get one freebie, Internet World, you hear me?!

Partner: No, they don’t.

Host: Right.  (Jumps up) Now, onto high kicks!  (Kicks high up and knocks over the light again) Unbelievable!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light, then runs back to the camera) At least I know the blocking for this area now.

Host: (Still high-kicking) And we’ve only just begun!  (Does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle)

Partner: Whoa, maybe save that move for one of your advance classes.

Host: (Still cycling) Why?  It’s beginner – advance is doing this while using your teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight, but I’ll have to wait for the sponsor big bucks before I can show off that one.

Partner: …Please do.

Host: Ooh, I also should bring out the chains and the monster truck tire –

Partner: No!  This one’s beginner!  No equipment!

Host: Who said “No equipment”?

Partner: I do!  You want to ease everyone in first so they come back for increasing punishment!

Host: But what about the rowboat?  (Points to the rowboat in the corner)

Partner: Nothing!

Host: I feel so confined – I do need the chair here next, though; how about that?

Partner: Yes, fine, that’s more of an accessory so go right ahead.

Host: Sweet.  (Stops cycling, jumps up, walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups)

Partner: Seriously?!

Host: (Without stopping, turns head to Partner) Why yes, anyone serious about their health should be able to do this basic move.  (Flips back off the chair into another middle split on the ground)

Partner: (Flings up arms in resignation) I give up – everything here is going to drive viewers away, and I am shocked you actually still have students at the gym.

Host: (Pulling both legs overhead) I hold myself back there, too.

Partner: You can film yourself from now on, then – I’m taking a permanent lunch break.  (Decamps to the kitchen)

Host: Go right ahead – I’ve got this all under control, but thanks for your help!  (To the camera, still holding up legs and now smiling broadly) Make sure to like and subscribe if this video has changed your life!  Wow, I am a natural at this.

Story 353: There’s an Online Video to Fix ANYTHING

            (Friend 1, at home, is shredding a ream of paper while on the phone)

            Friend 1: …so I said to `em, “While I don’t mind coming in for 15 interviews, I would like a final decision date that’s a little more definite than ‘soon,’ if that’s not too much to ask.”

            Friend 2: (On the phone) I’m guessing it was?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, that got me a hard “No” for sure, but at least I finally got an answer out of them so, you know, victory was mine.  (Papers jam in the shredder) Aw, come on, again?!

            Friend 2: Sounds bad – food processor?

           Friend 1: What?  No, never touch those; it’s a paper shredder.  Guess you just can’t handle 20 sheets a pop, wimp!

            Friend 2: Most can’t.  How bad is it?

           Friend 1: Let’s see…. (Unplugs the shredder from the wall outlet, takes off the lid, flips it over, and begins pulling out tiny bits of paper) Ewwwww, there’s a whole big chunk stuck in the top side I can’t get to.

            Friend 2: Did you unplug it first?

            Friend 1: Of course I – ah!  Ow-ow-ow!

            Friend 2: Oh no, what happened?!

            Friend 1: Gotcha!

            Friend 2: Dork.

            Friend 1: Listen, this is gonna take me hours of meltdowns and I’m probably going to have to send it out for repair or buy a new one anyway, so I’ll call you back later.  The mercury of irritation is rising already, and the blood is beginning to boil.

          Friend 2: You know, you probably can avoid all that if you just go online and find a video showing you how to fix it.

           Friend 1: (Freezes while holding the shredder lid up in the air to bash it on the floor) How’s that?

            Friend 2: People post videos about anything, and there’s a really useful subset that show you how to fix or do or make or destroy pretty much any item you can think of.  It’s how I fixed my toilet that one time; saved me a bundle.

            Friend 1: Hm.  Video-posters can be altruistic after all, eh?

           Friend 2: For stuff like this, surprisingly yes.  You may have to weed through a few, but you usually can find what you need pretty fast if you use the right keywords.  We live in a golden age of technology, it’s mind-boggling.

            Friend 1: You’re not kidding.  I’ll check it out, then – thanks a bunch!

          Friend 2: Sure thing.  Let me know how the patient pulls through.  (Disconnects the call)

LATER

         (Friend 1 is seated on the kitchen floor and watching a video on a laptop while the disassembled shredder is spread all around)

            Video Host: Now make sure you don’t lose this little piece here –

           Friend 1: (Nodding while carefully holding the shredder innards and mirroring the video) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

            Video Host: – and now take your tweezers and zip-zip-zip!  Paper’s all out!

            Friend 1: (Tweezing out paper) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

        Video Host: Now put everything back together, reinsert all the screws – (Time lapse of reinserting screws) – and boom!  All done!

            Friend 1: (Time lapse of reinserting screws) Boom?

          Video Host: Now let’s test it out, shall we?  (Shreds a single piece of paper) There we go!   Would’ve been embarrassing if it hadn’t worked, but that’s what editing is for!

         Friend 1: (Plugs in the shredder, turns it on, and shreds a page) It worked?  It worked!  I actually fixed something real, woo-hoo!  (Hugs the laptop) Thanks, my video friend, you get a “Like” and a “Subscribe”!  (Does so and shuts down the laptop; begins shredding more paper, cackling wildly with each successful page) Aha, jamming shredder, you thought you could defeat ME?!  Take that!  (Feeds a page) And that!  (Feeds a page) And – oh I’m out.  (Unplugs the shredder, then looks around the room) I wonder if there’s something else here that needs fixing…?

TWO DAYS LATER

          Friend 2: (At home, on the phone) Hi, I got your garbled text – are we still meeting up for dinner tonight or what?

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, it kind of depends on when I finish here.

            Friend 2: What’re you doing?

          Friend 1: Well, I took your advice the other day and found a video that helped me fix the shredder.

            Friend 2: That’s great!  What a relief; how is it – ?

           Friend 1: Yeah-yeah-yeah, it’s working fine, that’s old news: since I fixed that, I figured why not try a few other things around the place, you know?

            Friend 2: Sure, sure.

           Friend 1: So, I found more videos and finally sealed that gap in the living room window that had such a draft –

            Friend 2: Oh, great!

            Friend 1: Yeah, and the wiring in that one lamp that kept flicking all the time –

            Friend 2: Good, good.

            Friend 1: And the thermostat in the fridge that was all wonky, got that –

            Friend 2: OK.

          Friend 1: And the cracked tiles by the front door, replaced the whole section with laminates –

            Friend 2: OK….

           Friend 1: And the gas line leading to the oven was a bit old, so I took it all out and converted everything to electric –

            Friend 2: …What?

           Friend 1: And my car’s been making a funny noise lately, so I took out the engine and all the bits inside and converted that to electric, too –

            Friend 2: Huh?

          Friend 1: Plus at work the Wi-Fi’s been on the fritz so I hacked into the network and switched us over to a better provider, but it took some time because I had to make sure I.T. didn’t get wind of what I was doing and shut it all down so, you know, hush-hush –

            Friend 2: Wait a minute –

          Friend 1: And right now I’m in the middle of upgrading the city’s hydroelectric dam since the operating system’s at least five years old, plus there’re microcracks all over it that I’m climbing around to seal, although if you ask me we should tear the whole thing down and let Nature be Nature, but I get it, this is providing power for over a million people, so –

            Friend 2: Hold it!

            Friend 1: Yep?

            Friend 2: So, you’re basically saying you’re skipping on tonight?

           Friend 1: (Checks watch while dangling on a rope halfway down the dam) Wow, it’s that late already?  Then yeah, guess we’re gonna have to reschedule – sorry about that, the time just got away from me.

            Friend 2: Yeah, call me when you’re done fixing the world.  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: Will do – oh, hung up.  (Disconnects the call, then resumes playing a video on the phone)

           Video Host: – as you continue in your climb down be sure to take in the magnificent view of the unnatural waterfall this edifice creates, along with the panorama of the glorious countryside around you, for you will never see its like again.

          Friend 1: (Swings around to take in the magnificent and glorious views) Huh – learn something new every day.