Story 353: There’s an Online Video to Fix ANYTHING

            (Friend 1, at home, is shredding a ream of paper while on the phone)

            Friend 1: …so I said to `em, “While I don’t mind coming in for 15 interviews, I would like a final decision date that’s a little more definite than ‘soon,’ if that’s not too much to ask.”

            Friend 2: (On the phone) I’m guessing it was?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, that got me a hard “No” for sure, but at least I finally got an answer out of them so, you know, victory was mine.  (Papers jam in the shredder) Aw, come on, again?!

            Friend 2: Sounds bad – food processor?

           Friend 1: What?  No, never touch those; it’s a paper shredder.  Guess you just can’t handle 20 sheets a pop, wimp!

            Friend 2: Most can’t.  How bad is it?

           Friend 1: Let’s see…. (Unplugs the shredder from the wall outlet, takes off the lid, flips it over, and begins pulling out tiny bits of paper) Ewwwww, there’s a whole big chunk stuck in the top side I can’t get to.

            Friend 2: Did you unplug it first?

            Friend 1: Of course I – ah!  Ow-ow-ow!

            Friend 2: Oh no, what happened?!

            Friend 1: Gotcha!

            Friend 2: Dork.

            Friend 1: Listen, this is gonna take me hours of meltdowns and I’m probably going to have to send it out for repair or buy a new one anyway, so I’ll call you back later.  The mercury of irritation is rising already, and the blood is beginning to boil.

          Friend 2: You know, you probably can avoid all that if you just go online and find a video showing you how to fix it.

           Friend 1: (Freezes while holding the shredder lid up in the air to bash it on the floor) How’s that?

            Friend 2: People post videos about anything, and there’s a really useful subset that show you how to fix or do or make or destroy pretty much any item you can think of.  It’s how I fixed my toilet that one time; saved me a bundle.

            Friend 1: Hm.  Video-posters can be altruistic after all, eh?

           Friend 2: For stuff like this, surprisingly yes.  You may have to weed through a few, but you usually can find what you need pretty fast if you use the right keywords.  We live in a golden age of technology, it’s mind-boggling.

            Friend 1: You’re not kidding.  I’ll check it out, then – thanks a bunch!

          Friend 2: Sure thing.  Let me know how the patient pulls through.  (Disconnects the call)

LATER

         (Friend 1 is seated on the kitchen floor and watching a video on a laptop while the disassembled shredder is spread all around)

            Video Host: Now make sure you don’t lose this little piece here –

           Friend 1: (Nodding while carefully holding the shredder innards and mirroring the video) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

            Video Host: – and now take your tweezers and zip-zip-zip!  Paper’s all out!

            Friend 1: (Tweezing out paper) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

        Video Host: Now put everything back together, reinsert all the screws – (Time lapse of reinserting screws) – and boom!  All done!

            Friend 1: (Time lapse of reinserting screws) Boom?

          Video Host: Now let’s test it out, shall we?  (Shreds a single piece of paper) There we go!   Would’ve been embarrassing if it hadn’t worked, but that’s what editing is for!

         Friend 1: (Plugs in the shredder, turns it on, and shreds a page) It worked?  It worked!  I actually fixed something real, woo-hoo!  (Hugs the laptop) Thanks, my video friend, you get a “Like” and a “Subscribe”!  (Does so and shuts down the laptop; begins shredding more paper, cackling wildly with each successful page) Aha, jamming shredder, you thought you could defeat ME?!  Take that!  (Feeds a page) And that!  (Feeds a page) And – oh I’m out.  (Unplugs the shredder, then looks around the room) I wonder if there’s something else here that needs fixing…?

TWO DAYS LATER

          Friend 2: (At home, on the phone) Hi, I got your garbled text – are we still meeting up for dinner tonight or what?

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, it kind of depends on when I finish here.

            Friend 2: What’re you doing?

          Friend 1: Well, I took your advice the other day and found a video that helped me fix the shredder.

            Friend 2: That’s great!  What a relief; how is it – ?

           Friend 1: Yeah-yeah-yeah, it’s working fine, that’s old news: since I fixed that, I figured why not try a few other things around the place, you know?

            Friend 2: Sure, sure.

           Friend 1: So, I found more videos and finally sealed that gap in the living room window that had such a draft –

            Friend 2: Oh, great!

            Friend 1: Yeah, and the wiring in that one lamp that kept flicking all the time –

            Friend 2: Good, good.

            Friend 1: And the thermostat in the fridge that was all wonky, got that –

            Friend 2: OK.

          Friend 1: And the cracked tiles by the front door, replaced the whole section with laminates –

            Friend 2: OK….

           Friend 1: And the gas line leading to the oven was a bit old, so I took it all out and converted everything to electric –

            Friend 2: …What?

           Friend 1: And my car’s been making a funny noise lately, so I took out the engine and all the bits inside and converted that to electric, too –

            Friend 2: Huh?

          Friend 1: Plus at work the Wi-Fi’s been on the fritz so I hacked into the network and switched us over to a better provider, but it took some time because I had to make sure I.T. didn’t get wind of what I was doing and shut it all down so, you know, hush-hush –

            Friend 2: Wait a minute –

          Friend 1: And right now I’m in the middle of upgrading the city’s hydroelectric dam since the operating system’s at least five years old, plus there’re microcracks all over it that I’m climbing around to seal, although if you ask me we should tear the whole thing down and let Nature be Nature, but I get it, this is providing power for over a million people, so –

            Friend 2: Hold it!

            Friend 1: Yep?

            Friend 2: So, you’re basically saying you’re skipping on tonight?

           Friend 1: (Checks watch while dangling on a rope halfway down the dam) Wow, it’s that late already?  Then yeah, guess we’re gonna have to reschedule – sorry about that, the time just got away from me.

            Friend 2: Yeah, call me when you’re done fixing the world.  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: Will do – oh, hung up.  (Disconnects the call, then resumes playing a video on the phone)

           Video Host: – as you continue in your climb down be sure to take in the magnificent view of the unnatural waterfall this edifice creates, along with the panorama of the glorious countryside around you, for you will never see its like again.

          Friend 1: (Swings around to take in the magnificent and glorious views) Huh – learn something new every day.

Story 285: Chamomile Tea Is the Flippin’ Cure to Everything

            (In an office: Co-Worker 1 is typing as Co-Worker 2 shuffles in, bundled up from head to toe, with a red nose, glassy eyes, and a hanging-open mouth)

            Co-Worker 1: (Staring as Co-Worker 2 stiffly drops into the chair at the desk, does not remove any of the outer items of clothing, and turns on the computer) Don’t tell me you’re sick again.

            Co-Worker 2: All right, I won’t.  (Hacks up a lung)

            Co-Worker 1: Gross.  Are you at least taking anything for it?

            Co-Worker 2: There’s nothing to take, it’s a virus – if someone gives me antibiotics, it’ll just make the bacteria that survive even stronger than they already are.  They’re poised to take over the world any day now, in case you haven’t heard.

            Co-Worker 1: Whatever; why don’t you use a sick day, that’s what they’re there for, and you wouldn’t be contaminating my space with your pestilence.

          Co-Worker 2: I don’t have any more sick days: I used them all up with my never-ending illnesses.  I’m also late with a bunch of projects because, you know, all the days I took off.  (Holds stomach as it grumbles) Ugh – you might want to clear a path out of my way, if you know what I mean.

            Co-Worker 1: Ew-ew-ew!  I’ll be right back.  (Runs out)

            Co-Worker 2: Don’t blame you.  (Begins typing with two fingers, one key every five seconds)

           Co-Worker 1: (Returns several minutes later with a steaming mug and sets it on the desk under Co-Worker 2’s face) Here.  Drink all of this now.

          Co-Worker 2: (Leaning on one hand, turns green while staring at the mug) I literally can’t stomach any ingestibles at this time, I thank you.  (Pushes mug aside)

            Co-Worker 1: (Pushes mug back) Trust me.  It’ll fix everything.

            Co-Worker 2: (Raises an eyebrow) Everything, eh?  That’s a bold prediction.

            Co-Worker 1: Just drink it, you’ll thank me.

            Co-Worker 2: OK, but be forewarned: it may not be pleasant here within a minute.  (Gingerly sips beverage, smacks lips, and nods) Mild.  Hmmm, soothing.  Aaaand it’s staying put.  In conclusion: not horrific.

            Co-Worker 1: Drink more, and give it a minute.

            Co-Worker 2: Sure.  (Sips a bit more, resumes tapping keys, then stops) Hold on.

            Co-Worker 1: You feel it?

            Co-Worker 2: (Pats stomach several times, sniffs clearly through nose, and breathes freely for the first time since entering the room) The sick’s gone.  Where’s the sick gone?

            Co-Worker 1: Feeling much better, yeah?

           Co-Worker 2: “Better?”  “Better” is not the word – (Stands, flinging off heavy coat, gloves, and hat) I am feeling ASTOUNDING!

            Co-Worker 1: Told you.

           Co-Worker 2: (Downs the rest of the drink and sighs loudly) Yessss, I am cured!  Absolutely cured, hallelujah!

            Co-Worker 1: You’re welcome.

            Co-Worker 2: So what is this, a miracle drug you’ve been holding out on the world?

            Co-Worker 1: Nope, it’s just chamomile tea.

            Co-Worker 2: Get out.

            Co-Worker 1: Sometimes the non-prescription ways are the good ways.

            Co-Worker 2: I don’t believe it!  Tea?!  This – (Holding mug aloft) is no mere tea!  This is the cure to everything!!

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know about everything; I just know it helps with nausea –

            Co-Worker 2: I must proclaim this panacea to the world!  (Dashes out of the office)

            Co-Worker 1: Oh dear.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Co-Worker 1: (Enters with New Co-Worker 2) And this is your desk; mine is right nearby if you need anything.

           New Co-Worker 2: Thanks.  (They both sit at their respective desks) Hey, this is where my predecessor sat, right?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh yeah.  (Begins typing)

            New Co-Worker 2: Have you heard from them lately?

            Co-Worker 1: (Swivels chair to stare at New Co-Worker 2, then swivels back to the computer to bring up a video) Oh, just this.

            (New Co-Worker 2 rolls chair over to Co-Worker 1’s desk to watch)

            (VIDEO: Former Co-Worker 2, a glowing picture of health, beams while facing the camera)

           Former Co-Worker 2: Hello out there, all you poor saps who suffer from illness, headache, nausea, soreness, pain, and all those other annoyances that plague us throughout the day.  Haven’t you ever longed for a cure-all pill that would take all that nuisance and chuck it out the window?  Well, long no more, because the answer you seek is not in pill form: (Holds up a steaming mug) it is the simple, modest, unassuming, taken-for-granted leaf-and-water combination that is CHAMOMILE TEA.  Just one sip, and what ails you will be utterly annihilated.  (Sips with closed eyes) This is all I ever drink now, and you should, too.  No more prescription meds all fighting each other and giving you more problems than you started with; no more constant discomfort with no end in sight; no more nothing!  And the best part is, no corporate sponsor, either: Chamomile Tea, available in the coffee and tea aisle of your local grocery store!  Take control of your life and start feeling non-sick today with this CURE TO EVERYTHING EVER!

            Voiceover: (While Former Co-Worker 2 continues to gulp down the tea) Warning: the preceding statements have not been verified by any medical authority.  Chamomile tea is not a tested or proven cure for cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, neurological disorders, heart disease, stroke, aneurysms, hypertension, hypotension –

            Co-Worker 1: (Pauses video) This goes on for another 10 minutes, but you get the idea.

            New Co-Worker 2: Oh wow.  You know a celebrity!

            Co-Worker 1: Sadly, yes.

           New Co-Worker 2: Actually, my stomach’s been bothering me a lot today, what with the stress of starting a new job and finding a parking space and everything – you mind if I go make a cup of chamomile tea for myself?

           Co-Worker 1: Go right ahead.  (New Co-Worker 2 runs out; Co-Worker 1 addresses the paused video)  Not that I’ll ever see a dime from all this, when you never would have known about it if it wasn’t for me!  And you can’t make money off of something people already know about, and that you didn’t invent, and that a bunch of companies already manufacture!  (Stomach grumbles) Great, now I feel sick.