(Friend
1, at home, is shredding a ream of paper while on the phone)
Friend
1: …so I said to `em, “While I don’t mind coming in for 15 interviews, I
would like a final decision date that’s a little more definite than ‘soon,’
if that’s not too much to ask.”
Friend
2: (On the phone) I’m guessing it was?
Friend
1: Oh yeah, that got me a hard “No” for sure, but at least I finally got an
answer out of them so, you know, victory was mine. (Papers jam in the shredder) Aw, come on,
again?!
Friend
2: Sounds bad – food processor?
Friend
1: What? No, never touch those; it’s a
paper shredder. Guess you just can’t
handle 20 sheets a pop, wimp!
Friend
2: Most can’t. How bad is it?
Friend
1: Let’s see…. (Unplugs the shredder from the wall outlet, takes off the lid,
flips it over, and begins pulling out tiny bits of paper) Ewwwww, there’s a whole
big chunk stuck in the top side I can’t get to.
Friend
2: Did you unplug it first?
Friend
1: Of course I – ah! Ow-ow-ow!
Friend
2: Oh no, what happened?!
Friend
1: Gotcha!
Friend
2: Dork.
Friend
1: Listen, this is gonna take me hours of meltdowns and I’m probably going to
have to send it out for repair or buy a new one anyway, so I’ll call you back
later. The mercury of irritation is
rising already, and the blood is beginning to boil.
Friend
2: You know, you probably can avoid all that if you just go online and find a
video showing you how to fix it.
Friend
1: (Freezes while holding the shredder lid up in the air to bash it on the
floor) How’s that?
Friend
2: People post videos about anything, and there’s a really useful subset that
show you how to fix or do or make or destroy pretty much any item you can think
of. It’s how I fixed my toilet that one
time; saved me a bundle.
Friend
1: Hm. Video-posters can be altruistic
after all, eh?
Friend
2: For stuff like this, surprisingly yes.
You may have to weed through a few, but you usually can find what you
need pretty fast if you use the right keywords.
We live in a golden age of technology, it’s mind-boggling.
Friend
1: You’re not kidding. I’ll check it
out, then – thanks a bunch!
Friend
2: Sure thing. Let me know how the
patient pulls through. (Disconnects the
call)
LATER
(Friend
1 is seated on the kitchen floor and watching a video on a laptop while the disassembled
shredder is spread all around)
Video
Host: Now make sure you don’t lose this little piece here –
Friend
1: (Nodding while carefully holding the shredder innards and mirroring the
video) Uh-huh, uh-huh….
Video
Host: – and now take your tweezers and zip-zip-zip! Paper’s all out!
Friend
1: (Tweezing out paper) Uh-huh, uh-huh….
Video
Host: Now put everything back together, reinsert all the screws – (Time lapse
of reinserting screws) – and boom! All
done!
Friend
1: (Time lapse of reinserting screws) Boom?
Video
Host: Now let’s test it out, shall we?
(Shreds a single piece of paper) There we go! Would’ve been embarrassing if it hadn’t
worked, but that’s what editing is for!
Friend
1: (Plugs in the shredder, turns it on, and shreds a page) It worked? It worked!
I actually fixed something real, woo-hoo! (Hugs the laptop) Thanks, my video friend, you
get a “Like” and a “Subscribe”!
(Does so and shuts down the laptop; begins shredding more paper,
cackling wildly with each successful page) Aha, jamming shredder, you thought you
could defeat ME?! Take that! (Feeds a page) And that! (Feeds a page) And – oh I’m out. (Unplugs the shredder, then looks around the
room) I wonder if there’s something else here that needs fixing…?
TWO DAYS LATER
Friend
2: (At home, on the phone) Hi, I got your garbled text – are we still meeting
up for dinner tonight or what?
Friend
1: (On the phone) Yeah, it kind of depends on when I finish here.
Friend
2: What’re you doing?
Friend
1: Well, I took your advice the other day and found a video that helped me fix
the shredder.
Friend
2: That’s great! What a relief; how is
it – ?
Friend
1: Yeah-yeah-yeah, it’s working fine, that’s old news: since I fixed that, I
figured why not try a few other things around the place, you know?
Friend
2: Sure, sure.
Friend
1: So, I found more videos and finally sealed that gap in the living room
window that had such a draft –
Friend
2: Oh, great!
Friend
1: Yeah, and the wiring in that one lamp that kept flicking all the time –
Friend
2: Good, good.
Friend
1: And the thermostat in the fridge that was all wonky, got that –
Friend
2: OK.
Friend
1: And the cracked tiles by the front door, replaced the whole section with
laminates –
Friend
2: OK….
Friend
1: And the gas line leading to the oven was a bit old, so I took it all out and
converted everything to electric –
Friend
2: …What?
Friend
1: And my car’s been making a funny noise lately, so I took out the engine and all
the bits inside and converted that to electric, too –
Friend
2: Huh?
Friend
1: Plus at work the Wi-Fi’s been on the fritz so I hacked into the network and
switched us over to a better provider, but it took some time because I had to
make sure I.T. didn’t get wind of what I was doing and shut it all down so, you
know, hush-hush –
Friend
2: Wait a minute –
Friend
1: And right now I’m in the middle of upgrading the city’s hydroelectric dam
since the operating system’s at least five years old, plus there’re microcracks
all over it that I’m climbing around to seal, although if you ask me we should
tear the whole thing down and let Nature be Nature, but I get it, this is
providing power for over a million people, so –
Friend
2: Hold it!
Friend
1: Yep?
Friend
2: So, you’re basically saying you’re skipping on tonight?
Friend
1: (Checks watch while dangling on a rope halfway down the dam) Wow, it’s that
late already? Then yeah, guess we’re
gonna have to reschedule – sorry about that, the time just got away from me.
Friend
2: Yeah, call me when you’re done fixing the world. (Disconnects the call)
Friend
1: Will do – oh, hung up. (Disconnects
the call, then resumes playing a video on the phone)
Video
Host: – as you continue in your climb down be sure to take in the magnificent
view of the unnatural waterfall this edifice creates, along with the panorama
of the glorious countryside around you, for you will never see its like again.
Friend
1: (Swings around to take in the magnificent and glorious views) Huh – learn something
new every day.
