Story 407: How to Serve a Criticism Sandwich

 (In an office)

Manager: (Enters with Employee and gestures at a chair) Have a seat.  (Sits behind the desk as Employee sits at the other side) So, for your annual performance review, Corporate instructed us to try something different.  (Reaches into a drawer and places a plate with a large sandwich on it in front of Employee) Here.

Employee: …They’re finally giving us free lunches?

Manager: Ahahahahaha – !  No, that’s a Criticism Sandwich.  It’s your performance review.

Employee: I don’t understand – am I supposed to eat this?

Manager: Course not; just read what it says.

Employee: (Gingerly takes the sandwich and reads the top slice of bread) “Always clocks in and out on time.”

Manager: You don’t know what a relief that is, to me and to Payroll.  Much appreciated.

Employee: Thanks.

Manager: (Nods at the sandwich) Go on.

Employee: Oh.  (Takes off the top slice and looks at the meat of the sandwich) “Needs to improve time management – tends to procrastinate on projects.”  (Winces)

Manager: Yeah, don’t appreciate that.

Employee: (Lifts off a slice of meat and continues) “Needs to improve on working in groups.”  (Looks up at Manager) I’m the only other one in our department!

Manager: Exactly.

Employee: (Takes off another slice) “Tends to allow personal life to interfere with work.”  (Looks up at Manager) It was one time!

Manager: You say that every time.  No one on the floor cares when your household appliances break down – we all manage to deal with those without involving the whole world.

Employee: I’m sorry, but it’s very disruptive when it happens!

Manager: And so are you.  Continue.

Employee: (Reaches the bottom slice of bread) “Brightens everyone’s day here.” Gee, thanks!

Manager: Yeah, you’re a real ray of sunshine – no one’s getting raises this year.

Employee: Oh.  Can I eat the sandwich then?

Manager: I wouldn’t.

(At a writing group)

Writer 1: (Reading from latest draft of life’s work to the circle) “ – and as the cannon fire rained down upon the battalion, each and every one of those soldiers knew there would be at least one sentence in a military history monograph dedicated to that very last thought.”  (Looks up at the rest of the group, extremely emotional) “And there was.”  (Takes in the silent stares) …The End.

(Group Leader starts the others in polite clapping)

Group Leader: All right everyone, head on over to the sideboard and craft your Criticism Sandwiches for this latest piece!  (The members slowly trudge over to that table where supplies are spread out) Five minutes this time!  (Mutters) Let’s not be here all night.

Writer 1: What?

Group Leader: What?

(Five minutes later)

Group Leader: All righty!  Who wants to serve their sandwich first?

(The usual delay when no one wants to volunteer; Writer 2 then stands, quickly walks across the circle, and abruptly holds out the sandwich to Writer 1)

Writer 2: Here.  Nothing personal.  (Sits back down)

Writer 1: Of course it’s personal!  I wrote it!

Group Leader: Just accept the sandwich!  (Smiles very broadly) We’re all here to learn.  (Everyone else nods)

Writer 1: (Gingerly looks at the top slice of bread and reads) “Tackling this subject matter was very brave of you” – oh, no!

Group Leader: (Cracks a whip in the air) Keep going!

Writer 2: (Lifts off the bread and reads the top slice of meat) “Too much melodrama” – (Lifts a slice) “Constantly shifting POV gave me mental whiplash” – (Lifts a slice) “For a supposedly nonfiction work, this had an awful lot of creative writing on what you assume real-life people were thinking” – where, exactly, hm?!

Writer 2: That last bit you read today was a prime example.

Group Leader: (Cracks whip again) Continue!

Writer 1: (Lifts a slice) “Could’ve used more graphs and charts” – ?!  I already have over 300!

Writer 2: Now, that there’s a writing technique called “verbal irony,” AKA “sarcasm.”  (Writer 1’s jaw drops)  I see though that it wasn’t conveyed too well in text – that’s one of my flaws that you all are helping me work on here.  (The other group members start another round of polite clapping)

Writer 1: (Grinds teeth loudly at Writer 2)

Group Leader: (Looking at watch) Yes-yes-lovely – have you reached the bottom of the sandwich yet?

Writer 1: I will now.  (Removes a few more slices of meat and reads the bottom slice of bread) “Overall, pretty funny.”  (Looks up at Writer 2) It’s a serious historical tome!

Writer 2: Whoops.

Group Leader: (To Writer 1) OK!  So what’s your takeaway from all this?

Writer 1: (Shakes the sandwich at Group Leader) Apparently, if I go by this, I need to rewrite the whole thing!

Group Leader: But, you also see that you were both brave and funny in your first of many, many drafts!

Writer 1: It’s not supposed to be funny!

Writer 2: Too bad – got a few chuckles outta me.

Group Leader: All right, who’s next to serve their sandwich?

Writer 1: What if I don’t want any more tonight?

Group Leader: Well, you’ll be cheating yourself out of some desperately needed feedback, but we all have the option to disregard any criticism here.

Writer 3: Aw shucks, I’d made mine a triple-decker!

 (In a café)

Partner 1: (After the couple has picked up their coffees and sat at a table) So, I’ve been thinking: we’ve been together for a few years, and I really like you a lot –

Partner 2: Oh good, I’d hoped you might.

Partner 1: – and I want to be with you for a long time; probably not forever, but a long time nonetheless.

Partner 2: Yeah: forever, ugh!  Unspecific “long time” is much better.

Partner 1: Soooo, I got you something.  (Reaches into a bag)

Partner 2: If it’s a ring, it undercuts your previous statement.

Partner 1: Oh no, nothing like that.  (Places a sandwich on a napkin in front of Partner 2)

Partner 2: Uhhh, thanks, but we’re going out to diner later and I don’t want to fill up.

Partner 1: It’s not for eating, it’s –

Barista: (Passing by while cleaning tables) Can’t have outside food here.

Partner 1: Oh no, it’s just a Criticism Sandwich.

Partner 2: (Gasps and widens eyes) It starts!

Barista: Ah.  Good luck with that.  (Moves along)

Partner 2: (Staring alternately at Partner 1 and the sandwich) Wha – I – how – I thought everything was going so well!

Partner 1: It is, but there’re always opportunities for improvement.  (Nods at the sandwich) Go ahead.

Partner 2: (Gulps, then reads the top slice of bread) “I love you with all of my heart.”  Aw, hon!

Partner 1: (Wipes away a small tear) Keep going, sweetie.

Partner 2: (Lifts off the bread and reads the top slice of vegetable) “You really need to clean up after yourself more.”  Is this about the laundry I left on the floor the other day?

Partner 1: It’s about the laundry you leave on the floor every day, yes – keep going.

Partner 2: (Lifts up the vegetable and reads a slice of meat) “You tend to ‘forget’ when it’s your turn to make dinner” – but “forget” is in quotes?

Partner 1: That was intentional – continue.

Partner 2: (Lifts up slice of meat) “That shade of hair dye doesn’t flatter you at all.”  (Looks up with a cocked eyebrow) Seriously?

Partner 1: All right, that one’s petty – skip to the next.

Partner 2: (Reaches the bottom slice of bread) “You are such a giving person and I’m lucky to have you in my life” – awwwwwwwww, honnnnnnnn!!!!!

Partner 1: (More tears threaten to spill) And I mean every word of that whole thing!

(They hold hands lovingly across the table)

Partner 2: You know, I’m now going to have to serve you a ginormous Criticism Sandwich of my own –

Partner 1: BRING IT ON, BABY!

Story 246: If Victoria and Albert Were Present-Day Rich Commoners

            [Based on a recent marathon-watching of PBS’s Victoria, which is based on a true story]

           

            (Victoria Hanover, CEO of Monarchy Enterprises, Inc., faces the pressures of running a multi-billion pound company after inheriting it at age 18, and of her relatives’ machinations that she ensure the company will forever “remain in the family”)

            Victoria: Mama, I’m much too busy meeting with shareholders, working on the budget for the next fiscal year, and negotiating with the employee union about their health benefits to even think about dating, let alone getting married and popping out a brood of dependents!  Who I’d then be judged for neglecting if I also still focus on the company!  Priorities, woman!

           Mama: Perhaps I and your late father’s replacement in my affections should take over the day-to-day operations until you’ve outgrown being a rebellious teenager, hm?

            Victoria: You can tell your boy toy to buzz off: neither he nor any other upstart is getting their mitts on my business, do you hear me?  Ah, would you look at that – while we’ve been arguing over inanities, our stock dropped five points!  That does it: this company is mine, I am not sharing it with anyone ever, and only in the hour I eventually die in the long-distant future will I figure out a successor, just like our greatest CEO, Grand Dame Elizabeth Tudor.  She did all right for herself, don’t you think?

            Uncle Leo: Alexandrina –

       Victoria: (Hisses) No one is to use my pre-power name: I am Victoria, Paragon of Entrepreneurship, Leader of the Business World, now and forever!

            Mama: (Mutters) Kids these days.

            Uncle Leo: Very well then, Vicky –

            Victoria: Gaah!  I will not stand for being undermined by my elders!  What is it?

          Uncle Leo: Since we have the mutual goal of wanting to take over everything, in order to prevent any hostile takeovers you should seriously consider marrying my-nephew-your-cousin Albert, thereby keeping the line pure.  For the good of the business, of course.

          Victoria: Seeing as no one would care in this day and age if I choose to remain a confirmed bachelorette, and Albert was the biggest bore the last time I saw him, that’s a resounding “No.”

          Uncle Leo: Too late: I already invited him over to check out the empire – I mean, the business.  And woo you, and all that.

            Mama: Oh splendid, I can hear the babies already!

            Victoria: And people wonder why I hate my family.

            Albert: Hello, Victoria.

            Victoria: Oh what do you want – daaaamn, Albert, you’ve gotten fine since your presence was last inflicted on me!

            Albert: Likewise.  I am only here because both my father and my uncle want me to insinuate myself into your affections and thereby take over the company for their glory, but whatever.

            Victoria: Indeed.  Well, I suppose I can’t decently send you packing just yet: I’m off to chair 10 committees and conduct an inspection of the main factory before dinner, so you can either tag along or take a flying leap, makes no difference to me.

            Albert: I will tag along and see how I can improve any processes you may be doing wrong in the company that I may or may not co-own one day, yes.

            Victoria: (Grinds teeth; addresses a board room) All right, everybody!  The proposed designs for our new logo were not bad, but I’m just not feeling it so I want a complete do-over.

            Albert: Actually, these designs are rather effective in conveying the company’s message and I admire the artistry behind them.

           Victoria: Who asked you?!  Fine, people, pick a logo from one of these, this meeting apparently is adjourned.

            Vice President Melbourne: Ma’am, since I will be retiring soon and always took a fatherly interest in your well-being, I must say that I’d like to see you settled down and happy.

            Victoria: I am happy!  And I’ll be even happier when I can figure out a way to legally move all my relatives to the Isle of Wight and out of my sight!

           Vice President Melbourne: Understood.  However, I believe a… partner, to share both the work and the profits, would make life much more pleasant.

            Victoria: (Gasps) You mean we should amalgamate?!

            Vice President Melbourne: Never mind.

            Albert: Victoria, I have completed my survey of the company’s finances, physical properties, and Human Resources.

            Victoria: Nosy.

          Albert: I have found that, on the whole, you have done a splendid job in overseeing this massive operation, especially considering your relative inexperience in the field and minimal familial support.

            Victoria: Oh.  Thank you; it’s so rare that I receive positive feedback.

         Albert: Having said that, I have compiled a report of the many, many areas that, if left unchecked, could bring this great company to complete and utter ruin.  (Holds out a monograph) Would you care to read it?

            Victoria: Not particularly, no.

            Albert: I will summarize the main points for you later, then.

            Victoria: Listen, kid –

            Albert: I am only a few months younger than you, but go on.

            Victoria: – I know you’re trying to be helpful and all, but I’ve got this.  Really.

            Albert: I see.

            Victoria: And I am happy!

            Albert: As you say.

            Victoria: I wish everybody would stop presenting what they want as something that is supposedly good for me.  Don’t I make them enough money to leave me alone?

            Albert: In my view as an outside insider, your position does seem rather lonely.  I mean, with no real friends you can trust.

            Victoria: I have friends, sort of.  Can’t get too chummy with the help, you know, and I was kept isolated all my life, what with the extreme homeschooling, the workaholic and then deceased father, the near-useless mother, and the limited affection.

            Albert: That is quite sad.  To sympathize, you should know that my mother ran off with a homewrecker when I was at a tender age, my father does… everyone, my uncle likewise and I found out recently that he may actually be my father, and my brother has all the STDs.  Literally my entire family is made up of sluts – I seriously do not know how I can be related to them; maybe I actually was adopted and no one wants to tell me.

            Victoria: You win.  So, I’ve come around a bit to the idea of a perfect match foisted on me: you seem like a nice guy, and you’re pretty smart, and could be useful in a management setting.

           Albert: Thank you.  And you also are pretty smart, and capable, and I expect you will continue to bring this company much success.

            Victoria: I appreciate that: no one seems to want to admit that I’m doing a better job than Uncle Bill did, may he rest in peace.

            Albert: He may have been a bit too old and disinterested in the work when he inherited the role, but that is just my opinion.

            Victoria: OK, then, let’s start slow: want to take me out to dinner or something blasé like that?

            Albert: I was thinking perhaps we could take each other out to dinner and, whilst we eat, possibly review the software companies currently bidding on the new accounting database?

            Victoria: I have never been so turned on before in my life.

            (A respectable amount of time passes)

           Victoria: Attention Mama, Uncle Leo, and the rest of my meddling family: I would like to announce that you may have won the battle, but we have won the war.

            Mama: Do you mean the price war with our competitor in Jersey?

            Victoria: Not in the slightest.  (Grabs Albert’s hand and drags him over next to her) Albert and I are getting married –

            Uncle Leo: Aha!  Victory is mine!

           Victoria: – and I’m appointing him Chief Operating Officer, so he can make any changes he feels necessary but all final decisions are mine.

            Uncle Leo: Of course they are.

           Albert: Yes, Uncle-Maybe-Papa, I have great plans to work with the Community Outreach and Environmental Sustainability programs, in which I hope many lives will be vastly improved by our contributions to society.

            Uncle Leo: Huh?

          Albert: Also, all the buildings are absolutely filthy and ridden with asbestos, so I will be spearheading this company’s long-overdue introduction to the 21^st century.

            Victoria: Everything you say and do is magic, my angel.

            Albert: I am retroactively so glad we were forced into this situation, mein leibchen.

            Victoria: OK everyone, back to work, and let’s turn this piddling corporation into a massive global empire to be loved and feared by all!

            Employees: Huzzah!

            Albert: You know, we also could create an empire of our own: I envision being a devoted father to lots and lots of babies, preferably more than a dozen but I will settle for 10.

            Victoria: Easy there, my love, it’s not as if we’re responsible for supplying the crown heads of Europe.  Environmental Sustainability, remember?

            Albert: You have a point.  How about seven?

            Victoria: Two.

            Albert: Five?

            Victoria: Three.

          Albert: That is sufficient, until we are blessed with more.  Now that that is settled, I will resume installing Wi-Fi networks throughout all our facilities as you prepare to host the annual gala for the Foundation.

            Victoria: And that is why we get along so well.