(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle in the 24-7 convenience store – the fall into love is instantaneous)
Lover 1: Hi.
Lover 2: Hey.
Lover 1: You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my entire two decades on this planet.
Lover 2: Same. Wanna go somewhere and eat food in front of each other?
Lover 1: I thought you’d never ask.
(They go to a local café to drink coffee in front of each other instead)
Lover 2: Just to be clear about this whole thing: I’ve been waiting my entire life for someone who is just like me but not 100% like me so as to be creepy, ya dig?
Lover 1: Completely. I’ve needed someone to talk to who shares all my interests, is almost-but-not-quite my mirror, and preferably super-hot, and you fit the bill.
Lover 2: As do you. I could stare into your eyes all day.
Lover 1: (Blushes and looks down) Aw, shucks. (Looks up again, under intense brows)
Lover 2: Rowwrrrrrr.
Lover 1: And you: your face, your hair, your everything, especially the pheromones I assume you’re secreting that are driving my olfactory receptors bonkers.
Lover 2: That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my entire two decades on this planet.
Barista: (Passing by their table with a mop) Excuse me. (The other two look up from their unblinking mooning over each other) We’re closing in five minutes.
Lover 1: What’s five minutes when there is a love to last for eternity?
Lover 2: Sighhhh….
Barista: Five minutes for you two to schmaltz on out of here before I call the cops.
Lover 1: Gone.
(They flee the café, then hold hands while strolling on the sidewalk)
Lover 1: Sooo, now that we’ve gotten through the preliminaries of sitting at the same table for a bit and expressing our deepest, truest emotions of spiritual connection: my place or yours?
Lover 2: Whichever’s closer; I just need to ask you one thing.
Lover 1: Anything you desire, my heart, my soul, my one and only!
Lover 2: What’s your name?
ONE YEAR LATER
(In Lover 1 and 2’s shared apartment, Lover 2 is heading to the front door with several suitcases and bags when Lover 1 enters from the bedroom, just waking up and wearing flannel pajamas)
Lover 1: What’s all this?
Lover 2: Our inevitable break-up, of course.
Lover 1: Oh. I thought we’d have at least another few months – what happened?
Lover 2: The usual: all your habits drive me up the wall, all mine drive you the same, yet we’re so alike that our arguments stretch out into infinity, not to mention our families never saw in us what we saw in each other so they can’t stand the thought of us ever, plus things are starting to heat up with my soulmate at work and we’re obsessed with our newfound love even though we’re both in committed relationships – you know, same old story.
Lover 1: Got it. Guess I just hoped it would take a few decades of all that before one or both of us finally took the simplest way out.
Lover 2: My last gift to you: I’m removing myself at the exact point where this has become an unsustainable cohabitation model.
Lover 1: Well thanks, I appreciate it. Take care, `cause I sincerely doubt we’ll ever meet again.
Lover 2: You too. I’m so glad I’ll be able to think back on all this with fondness instead of revulsion; this’ll also be great material for my upcoming poetry collection.
Lover 1: You write poetry? (Lover 2 leaves without looking back) Whelp, time to reset. What’s on TV?
ONE WEEK LATER
(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle in the 24-7 convenience store – the fall into love is instantaneous)
Lover 1: Hi.
Lover 3: `Sup?
Lover 1: You are the most beautiful –
Lover 3: Yadda-yadda-yadda: take me now!
SIX MONTHS LATER
(In Lover 1 and 3’s shared apartment, Lover 3 is heading to the front door with several suitcases and bags when Lover 1 enters from the bedroom, just waking up and wearing flannel pajamas)
Lover 1: Time?
Lover 3: Yep. Figured I’d head out now while we still actually like each other.
Lover 1: Good idea – bye! (Lover 3 leaves without looking back) Whelp, time to reset. What’s on TV?
ONE WEEK LATER
(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle – )
Lover 1: Wait a minute – do I really want to go through all this again?
Lover 4: What’s that?
Lover 1: You’re right: the heart wants what it wants.
Lover 4: Same. Wanna go somewhere and eat food in front of each other?
Lover 1: I thought you’d never ask.
(They go to the cash register to ring up their purchases)
Store Owner: (To Lover 1) I only say this because you’ve been in my store every night for the past seven years so that makes us practically family: get some respect for yourself and for others before you give yourself away to a stranger to fill some need! Not to mention how dangerous this behavior is – lucky none of you so far turned out to be serial killers or these dramas would’ve had really unhappy endings.
Lover 1: That sounds right to my brain, but my heart screams “Indulge me!”
Store Owner: I don’t think it’s entirely your heart.
Lover 1: True. But I have to ask: what precisely are your credentials in dispensing this wisdom, hm?
Store Owner: I’ve been married to the same person for almost 50 years and neither of us have strayed once.
Lover 1: (Eyes widen) Wow. That’s half a century right there. How’ve you two survived it?
Store Owner: We actually took the time to get to know and like each other before the whole body-and-soul commitment!
Lover 1: (Nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and how does one do that, exactly?
Lover 4: (Strolling back to Lover 1 after having wandered the entire store) Wanna head out before the café over here closes in five minutes?
Lover 1: Oh right, yeah. (Finishes paying for the purchases and leaves with Lover 4; to Store Owner on the way out) Thanks for the advice, What’s-Your-Name!
Store Owner: Unbelievable. I’m even wearing a name tag!
(Lovers 1 and 4 hold hands while strolling on the sidewalk)
Lover 4: So, before I start resenting everything you do and every sound you make and vice versa, tell me all your favs for me to use as ammunition in later fights.
Lover 1: “Favs”?
Lover 4: Your favorite things: likes, dreams, hobbies?
Lover 1: (As they stop in front of the closing café and the Barista glares at them through the window) Doing the same thing over and over, apparently.
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