(In an office)
Manager: (Enters with Employee and gestures at a chair) Have a seat. (Sits behind the desk as Employee sits at the other side) So, for your annual performance review, Corporate instructed us to try something different. (Reaches into a drawer and places a plate with a large sandwich on it in front of Employee) Here.
Employee: …They’re finally giving us free lunches?
Manager: Ahahahahaha – ! No, that’s a Criticism Sandwich. It’s your performance review.
Employee: I don’t understand – am I supposed to eat this?
Manager: Course not; just read what it says.
Employee: (Gingerly takes the sandwich and reads the top slice of bread) “Always clocks in and out on time.”
Manager: You don’t know what a relief that is, to me and to Payroll. Much appreciated.
Employee: Thanks.
Manager: (Nods at the sandwich) Go on.
Employee: Oh. (Takes off the top slice and looks at the meat of the sandwich) “Needs to improve time management – tends to procrastinate on projects.” (Winces)
Manager: Yeah, don’t appreciate that.
Employee: (Lifts off a slice of meat and continues) “Needs to improve on working in groups.” (Looks up at Manager) I’m the only other one in our department!
Manager: Exactly.
Employee: (Takes off another slice) “Tends to allow personal life to interfere with work.” (Looks up at Manager) It was one time!
Manager: You say that every time. No one on the floor cares when your household appliances break down – we all manage to deal with those without involving the whole world.
Employee: I’m sorry, but it’s very disruptive when it happens!
Manager: And so are you. Continue.
Employee: (Reaches the bottom slice of bread) “Brightens everyone’s day here.” Gee, thanks!
Manager: Yeah, you’re a real ray of sunshine – no one’s getting raises this year.
Employee: Oh. Can I eat the sandwich then?
Manager: I
wouldn’t.
(At a writing group)
Writer 1: (Reading from latest draft of life’s work to the circle) “ – and as the cannon fire rained down upon the battalion, each and every one of those soldiers knew there would be at least one sentence in a military history monograph dedicated to that very last thought.” (Looks up at the rest of the group, extremely emotional) “And there was.” (Takes in the silent stares) …The End.
(Group Leader starts the others in polite clapping)
Group Leader: All right everyone, head on over to the sideboard and craft your Criticism Sandwiches for this latest piece! (The members slowly trudge over to that table where supplies are spread out) Five minutes this time! (Mutters) Let’s not be here all night.
Writer 1: What?
Group Leader: What?
(Five minutes later)
Group Leader: All righty! Who wants to serve their sandwich first?
(The usual delay when no one wants to volunteer; Writer 2 then stands, quickly walks across the circle, and abruptly holds out the sandwich to Writer 1)
Writer 2: Here. Nothing personal. (Sits back down)
Writer 1: Of course it’s personal! I wrote it!
Group Leader: Just accept the sandwich! (Smiles very broadly) We’re all here to learn. (Everyone else nods)
Writer 1: (Gingerly looks at the top slice of bread and reads) “Tackling this subject matter was very brave of you” – oh, no!
Group Leader: (Cracks a whip in the air) Keep going!
Writer 2: (Lifts off the bread and reads the top slice of meat) “Too much melodrama” – (Lifts a slice) “Constantly shifting POV gave me mental whiplash” – (Lifts a slice) “For a supposedly nonfiction work, this had an awful lot of creative writing on what you assume real-life people were thinking” – where, exactly, hm?!
Writer 2: That last bit you read today was a prime example.
Group Leader: (Cracks whip again) Continue!
Writer 1: (Lifts a slice) “Could’ve used more graphs and charts” – ?! I already have over 300!
Writer 2: Now, that there’s a writing technique called “verbal irony,” AKA “sarcasm.” (Writer 1’s jaw drops) I see though that it wasn’t conveyed too well in text – that’s one of my flaws that you all are helping me work on here. (The other group members start another round of polite clapping)
Writer 1: (Grinds teeth loudly at Writer 2)
Group Leader: (Looking at watch) Yes-yes-lovely – have you reached the bottom of the sandwich yet?
Writer 1: I will now. (Removes a few more slices of meat and reads the bottom slice of bread) “Overall, pretty funny.” (Looks up at Writer 2) It’s a serious historical tome!
Writer 2: Whoops.
Group Leader: (To Writer 1) OK! So what’s your takeaway from all this?
Writer 1: (Shakes the sandwich at Group Leader) Apparently, if I go by this, I need to rewrite the whole thing!
Group Leader: But, you also see that you were both brave and funny in your first of many, many drafts!
Writer 1: It’s not supposed to be funny!
Writer 2: Too bad – got a few chuckles outta me.
Group Leader: All right, who’s next to serve their sandwich?
Writer 1: What if I don’t want any more tonight?
Group Leader: Well, you’ll be cheating yourself out of some desperately needed feedback, but we all have the option to disregard any criticism here.
Writer 3: Aw shucks, I’d made mine a triple-decker!
(In a café)
Partner 1: (After the couple has picked up their coffees and sat at a table) So, I’ve been thinking: we’ve been together for a few years, and I really like you a lot –
Partner 2: Oh good, I’d hoped you might.
Partner 1: – and I want to be with you for a long time; probably not forever, but a long time nonetheless.
Partner 2: Yeah: forever, ugh! Unspecific “long time” is much better.
Partner 1: Soooo, I got you something. (Reaches into a bag)
Partner 2: If it’s a ring, it undercuts your previous statement.
Partner 1: Oh no, nothing like that. (Places a sandwich on a napkin in front of Partner 2)
Partner 2: Uhhh, thanks, but we’re going out to diner later and I don’t want to fill up.
Partner 1: It’s not for eating, it’s –
Barista: (Passing by while cleaning tables) Can’t have outside food here.
Partner 1: Oh no, it’s just a Criticism Sandwich.
Partner 2: (Gasps and widens eyes) It starts!
Barista: Ah. Good luck with that. (Moves along)
Partner 2: (Staring alternately at Partner 1 and the sandwich) Wha – I – how – I thought everything was going so well!
Partner 1: It is, but there’re always opportunities for improvement. (Nods at the sandwich) Go ahead.
Partner 2: (Gulps, then reads the top slice of bread) “I love you with all of my heart.” Aw, hon!
Partner 1: (Wipes away a small tear) Keep going, sweetie.
Partner 2: (Lifts off the bread and reads the top slice of vegetable) “You really need to clean up after yourself more.” Is this about the laundry I left on the floor the other day?
Partner 1: It’s about the laundry you leave on the floor every day, yes – keep going.
Partner 2: (Lifts up the vegetable and reads a slice of meat) “You tend to ‘forget’ when it’s your turn to make dinner” – but “forget” is in quotes?
Partner 1: That was intentional – continue.
Partner 2: (Lifts up slice of meat) “That shade of hair dye doesn’t flatter you at all.” (Looks up with a cocked eyebrow) Seriously?
Partner 1: All right, that one’s petty – skip to the next.
Partner 2: (Reaches the bottom slice of bread) “You are such a giving person and I’m lucky to have you in my life” – awwwwwwwww, honnnnnnnn!!!!!
Partner 1: (More tears threaten to spill) And I mean every word of that whole thing!
(They hold hands lovingly across the table)
Partner 2: You know, I’m now going to have to serve you a ginormous Criticism Sandwich of my own –
Partner 1: BRING IT ON, BABY!
