(In a centuries-old Victorian-style house surrounded by an empty field, Ghost 2 hovers in an armchair in the parlor reading a book with semi-materialized hands when Ghost 1 floats in through the closed door)
Ghost 1: You won’t believe what just happened!
Ghost 2: (Looks up from the book) Hm? Oh, I probably will – what is it?
Ghost 1: That real estate agent we keep having to chase away once a month came back and slapped an “Under Contract” sticker on the sign outside! Didn’t even get out of the car to do it; just leaned out the window and then drove away right after, the coward!
Ghost 2: Huh. But there hasn’t been anyone actually inside the place for decades – who would’ve bought it sight unseen? Sounds like a bad investment to me.
Ghost 1: I know! We slipped up big-time, I tell you: the buyer must’ve seen old photos posted online and now wants to turn this into a –
Ghost 2: Don’t say it!
Ghost 1: – bed-and-breakfast!
Ghost 2: NOOOOOO!!!! We’ll be surrounded by weekending tourists, all week long!
Ghost 1: We should never have let this happen – I told you we needed to branch out and start haunting the Internet!
Ghost 2: I know, but it seemed such a hassle.
Ghost 1: Well, it’s too late now! The relaxation-seekers will be streaming in any minute, demanding rustic atmosphere and French toast and quilted tea cozies and guided hikes until I’ll wish I could throw up but I literally don’t have the stomach for it! This is our house, our land, forever has been, and forever will be!
Ghost 3: (Sticks head in through the door) Actually, the land this house was built on originally was part of the homeland of the Nanticoke Lenni-Lenape Tribal Nation, so I think they’d have a few words to say about that.
Ghost 1: (Points to Ghost 3) I… retract my prior statement.
Ghost 3: Gotcha. (Ducks back out)
Ghost 1: (To Ghost 2) So what’re we going to do?!
Ghost 2: I think we should wait and see who actually bought the place and plan the hauntings accordingly – who knows, they could just be a stereotypical family who only need a few slamming doors and tipped-over chairs to make them run away screaming for their lives.
Ghost 1: (Tries to throw self onto the couch and instead hovers slightly above it) Ugh, I thought we were done with all this; full-out hauntings are sooooo exhausting!
Ghost
2: I know, but unfortunately they’re a necessary evil if we want any peace during
our indefinite stay here.
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
(The new owner of the house arrives at night, during a full moon with a werewolf howling in the distance)
Owner: (Unlocks the front door and turns on the main light) Helloooooo, ghosties, anyone home, heh-heh-heh?
(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 watch from behind the railing along the second floor hallway facing the entrance)
Ghost 1: Great, we’ve got a comedian.
Ghost 3: At least it’s not ghost hunters again – the last group made such a mess. Although, it was a lot of fun messing with them, so, yeah.
(Owner sets down an overnight bag, closes and locks the front door, and begins slowly exploring the rooms)
Owner: (Shouting up at the ceiling and the second floor) DON’T MIND ME, I’M ONLY MAKING SURE NOTHING NEEDS MAJOR REPAIRS, NO DESECRATION IS INTENDED, I’M CERTAIN WE CAN ALL LIVE – oops – I MEAN, EXIST TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY!
Ghost 1: Wow, this one’s noisy – want me to release the chandelier now?
Ghost 2: No! It’ll probably be too expensive to replace this time and they’ll just chuck it.
Ghost 1: Good point.
(Owner turns on the light for the staircase and hallway and slowly walks upstairs, unknowingly toward the ghosts)
Owner: I’M CHECKING THE BEDROOMS NOW, SO HIDE ANY UNSEEMLY LITEREATURE YOU HAVE BEFORE I GET THERE, HEH-HEH-HEH!
Ghost 1: (As the three watch Owner pass behind them) I am two seconds away from a spirit possession to make this one fall right back down the stairs.
Ghost 2: Easy there.
Ghost 3: Um, you two keep an eye on all this; I just gotta check in my room for… something. (Quickly floats down the hall and through a bedroom door)
Ghost 1: (Stares disgustedly after Ghost 3) Unbelievable.
(After an uneventful search of the rooms, Owner stops at the attic door)
Owner: (Half-turns around) I’M GOING TO THE ATTIC NOW!
Ghost 1: Yippee.
Owner: (Unlocks the attic door, turns on the light, and slowly ascends the stairs) PLEASE DON’T HAVE A HANGING BODY OR YOUR IMAGES REFLECTED IN A MIRROR BEHIND ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, OK?
Ghost 1: Don’t worry; I never repeat myself.
(Ghost 3 floats out of the bedroom back to the other two)
Ghost 3: So, what’d I miss?
Ghost 2: (Points to the open door at the end of the hallway) Attic.
Ghost 3: Ah. What’s up there this time?
Ghost 1: Oh, maybe the diary I left open to the page detailing how I slaughtered my entire family, or maybe the newspaper article detailing how the demon we summoned took forever to drive us all mad, or maybe the blood writing on the wall detailing how the house slowly came alive and consumed us out of spite, or maybe something else entirely, I forget.
Ghost 2: You know, I haven’t checked up there in a while, I hope we didn’t leave all that stuff lying out together – I think that wouldn’t be so much terrifying as confusing.
Ghost 1: (Thinks on this) Drat. Well, there’s always Plan B.
(Owner comes back down the attic stairs, turns off the light, closes and locks the door, and starts walking back to the main stairs, looking very confused; Ghost 1 floats over and materializes immediately in Owner’s path)
Ghost 1: Boo.
Owner: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (Runs all the way downstairs, grabs the overnight bag, unlocks the front door, stops halfway to the car, runs back inside the house, turns off the main light, locks the door, runs back to the car, and speeds away with tire marks on the driveway all the way to the main road)
Ghost 2: (To Ghost 1) Well done! Another one out of our afterlives forever!
Ghost 1: Thank you – I’ve still got it.
Ghost 3: You don’t think anyone else’ll come along after this one, do you?
Ghost
1: Oh, I highly doubt it. (Looks
determinedly at the closed front door) But if they do, we’ll be ready for them,
forever have been, and forever will be!
SEVERAL
WEEKS LATER
(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 are in front of the house staring at the new sign: “COMING SOON: LUXURY TOWNHOUSES! WARNING: TOWNSHOUSES WILL BE UNAFFORDABLE FOR MOST PEOPLE AND SUBJECT TO GROUNDWATER FLOODING”)
Ghost 3: So, how does it work if we no longer have an actual house to haunt?
Ghost 2: I suppose we finally, at long last, move on? Eternal rest for our mildly tormented souls?
Ghost 1: Nah: this just means there’re more houses for us to haunt.
Fun for Halloween
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