Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.

Story 404: A Midsummer Night’s Autumn

 In the 95°F late August weather, The Employee clocks out of work at 5:00 p.m. and transforms into The Commuter, soon to become The Shopper – there is always some kind of work to be done.

The bus’s air conditioning does battle with the extreme heat and humidity during the ride through the city; the passengers melt off at each stop, the driver nearly joining them every time.

The sun has been setting a minute earlier each day; at night, the heat remains.

The Commuter evaporates into The Shopper while exiting the bus and floats into a department store; the sweat immediately turns to icicles and The Shopper condenses as the overpowered air conditioning blasts the entire building.  The Shopper’s internal thermodynamics are thrown in a state of array and run off screaming.

The Shopper is likewise befuddled: “Is this Halloween?”

The entire store is decorated in various shades of orange, brown, and black; fake falling leaves are everywhere; possibly-fake cobwebs are strung amongst displays.

The Shopper plunges through a pile of football season paraphernalia to grab a shopping cart, and the trek through the store begins.

One item needed is a replacement beach umbrella, which is tucked away in Summer Clearance: “But I’m going there this weekend!  The lifeguards are still on duty!  Why is all the beach stuff shoved out of the season?!”

At the end of an aisle is a few sunscreen bottles; as The Shopper reaches for one, a motion sensor is tripped and a cackling witch flashes its LED eyes at passers-by.  The Shopper jumps only slightly: “Oh, dear.”

Ghosts and goblins line the walls and shelves, and the constant breeze stirs up the haphazardly strewn leaves and strategically strewn hay bales.

At the store’s café, The Shopper stands on line to buy a lemonade.  The frazzled barista finishes the three-course-meal order of the previous customer and turns to The Shopper: “Hello, would you like to try our pumpkin spice coffee, our pumpkin spice scone, and/or our pumpkin spice pumpkin?”

“…Not today, thank you.”

Sipping the lemonade, The Shopper wanders into the holiday section of the store, which has been converted into a haunted house.

“Beware of midnight, bwahahahaha!!!!” an employee dressed as a werewolf at the house’s entrance greets The Shopper.

The latter checks a watch: “But it’s only 7:00.”

The werewolf’s snarling face stares blankly at The Shopper, who continues on to the candy aisle haunted by products not really needed for another two months: “Ooh, sea salt caramels, yoink!”  Into the cart they go.

The ceiling speakers burst into spooky music at random intervals to announce discounts for the fall; as The Shopper enters one aisle covered in school supplies, the banners strung all over the place and the speakers both scream: “Back to School Sale!”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!”

“You’re telling me,” a child says to The Shopper while being forcefully guided into the aisle by their parent.

Shopping completed, The Shopper transforms once more into The Commuter as the journey home begins.  The sky darkens as night approaches; the temperature is now 88°F; and the sweat resumes its previous activity as the wait for a new bus commences.

The Commuter looks forward to one last day at the beach, filled with sand, surf, and people just everywhere, and a book to read in front of the crashing waves after making the inconvenient trip all the way out there.  While boarding the steaming bus whose air conditioning had surrendered in defeat, The Commuter sees a ginormous sign stretched over the street ahead:

COME SEE OUR THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE NOVEMBER 25!!!

Story 373: Don’t Let the Pain Catch You!

 (Friend 2 steers the car into the driveway, crunching over ice all the way)

Friend 1: (Exiting from the passenger seat as Friend 2 exits from the driver’s seat) – they tried assigning us numbered spots a while back but some rando would be in mine EVERY SINGLE TIME, and I was getting tired of the daily parking garage rumbles with the crowds and the spotlights and the –

Friend 2: (Slips on the ice and falls on the left side) Whoop!

Friend 1: (Spins around and looks over the top of the car) Where’d you go?

Friend 2: Down here – ugghh….

Friend 1: (Trots pigeon-toed around the car and sees Friend 2 on the ground) Uh-oh – break anything?

Friend 2: No….

Friend 1: Sprain anything?

Friend 2: I don’t think so….

Friend 1: Good: quick, get up.  (Grabs Friend 2’s right arm and begins to haul up)

Friend 2: Hey, give me a second, what’s your hurry?

Friend 1: (Pulls Friend 2 to a standing position) C’mon, you gotta get moving before they find you.

Friend 2: Who?

Friend 1: (Briefly points to two approaching figures) Them.  (They wave back)

Friend 2: Wha – who are they?  (Is led by Friend 1 to the front door of the house) What is going on?

Friend 1: Quick, gimme your key and keep moving your left arm and leg.

Friend 2: (Hands over the house key) What?  No, I need to rest them.

Friend 1: NO!  (Unlocks the door, shoves Friend 2 inside, and slams and locks the door behind them) That’ll play right into their metaphorical hands, now move!  (Starts windmilling Friend 2’s left arm and pushing the left leg forward) March, I say!

Friend 2: (Shakes off Friend 1) I’m going to go lie down.  (Enters the living room and sees the two figures from outside now are sitting on the couch) Umm… are you here to steal something?

Pain 1: (Over the sounds of drawers banging open and slamming shut in the kitchen) Nope: we’re here because of what you did to yourself.

Pain 2: We’re natural and expected and meant to be endured for a long, long, long time.  (They creepily approach Friend 2, who shrinks back)

Friend 1: (Soars into the living room with an armful of supplies and points a pair of scissors at the figures) Back off, scoundrels!  (Rapidly duct tapes ice packs to Friend 2’s arm and leg)

Pain 1: No worries – we’ll just wait over here.  (Retreats to a corner with Pain 2, where they both stare patiently at Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Flings the tape and scissors onto the kitchen table; to Friend 2) Right – now, go hop on the stationary bike you never use and pedal 15 miles while lifting the free weights you also never use.  (Begins pushing Friend 2 to the basement door)

Friend 2: (Holds onto the wall) Wait, no, I am not working out now, I need to rest my banged-up limbs!

Friend 1: (Hisses) Don’t you see, that’s just what they want!  If you stop moving, they’ll catch you!

Friend 2: That’s not how pain works.

Friend 1: Not all the time, I’ll give you that, but this is one of those instances where yes, it does!  (Pushes Friend 2 around the living room and windmills the left arm again) Admit it – you haven’t really felt any pain yet after you fell, am-I-right?

Friend 2: (Looks down at left side) Well, I mean, I was winded at first, and then you kept flinging me around everywhere so I haven’t had time to think –

Friend 1: Exactly!  They can’t catch you if you’re on the move!

Friend 2: But I can’t move forever; I’ll have to sleep at some point!

Friend 1: That’s what the ice is for!

Friend 2: (Slows down) I don’t know; what if I’m causing more damage by not resting –

(Pain 1 and 2 stealthily approach; Friend 1 grabs a bottle from the kitchen counter and sprays water at them)

Friend 1: Begone!  (Pain 1 and 2 scurry back to their corner; to Friend 2) MOVE!

(They march in circles for quite some time)

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(Friend 2 is lying on the couch while Friend 1 dozes in a chair)

Friend 2: (Checks the ice packs) Oh shoot, the frost is melting all over me.  If it wasn’t just water, I’d be really ticked.

Friend 1: (Startles awake) Huh, monsters, what?

Friend 2: No, I was saying the ice packs are melting.  I think we’ve done all we can on that end anyway.

Friend 1: (Looks around) Hm, our buddies do seem to be gone; let’s check the damage.

(Friend 2 takes off the duct-taped ice packs to reveal tiny versions of Pain 1 and 2 are latched onto each limb)

Pain 1 and 2: (Tiny voices) Howdy!

Friend 1: (Sighs) Drat.  I failed!

Friend 2: Well, they’re much more manageable like this, at least.

Friend 1: (Whips out an ibuprofen bottle and shakes it at them) Not for long!

Pain 1 and 2: (Tiny screams) Aaaaahhhh!!!

Friend 2: Hey, why didn’t you just give me some of those earlier?

Friend 1: I prefer a holistic approach when it comes to pain obliteration.

Story 305: Holding Onto August 31

AUGUST 24

            (On a beach, two siblings are lounging on chairs close to the ocean)

            Sibling 1: (Sighs) Man, I’m bummed.

           Sibling 2: How’s that?  Isn’t this one of the pinnacles of relaxation: lying in front of soothing waves, thinking of nothing?

           Sibling 1: Yeah, but I’m not thinking of nothing, am I?  I’m thinking of how summer’s over next week.

            Sibling 2: No it isn’t – summer isn’t over until the Autumnal Equinox on September 23.

           Sibling 1: Technically, but just as summer unofficially begins on Memorial Day in May, it also unofficially ends on Labor Day in September.  All the fun shore venues close up shop, the beaches become do-not-enter zones, the tourists cease their mass migration oceanward, and the dreaded s-word is set to begin all over again that week.

            Sibling 2: S-word?

         Sibling 1: School.  The children must report for duty by Thursday the latest and bid their carefree lives farewell for yet another 9.75 months.

            Sibling 2: Yeah, but you don’t have to go to school anymore, so what do you care?

            Sibling 1: I endured that ordeal for too many years to ever get over it.

            Sibling 2: Whatever.

           Sibling 1: Whatever indeed – at any rate, for me, summer truly ends the second that September begins.

            Sibling 2: And that’s not even for another week, so just enjoy today and stop nattering on the inevitable.  “Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened,” or however the saying goes.

            Sibling 1: I guess.  (Gnaws lip in thought) Or….

            Sibling 2: (Temporarily distracted by the waves) Hm?

            Sibling 1: Or… something can be done about it.

            Sibling 2: What, you mean like declaring an extra federal holiday?

            Sibling 1: No, I’m thinking of something a big further-reaching.  And more permanent.

            Sibling 2: Such as…?

            Sibling 1: You’ll see.  (Turns to the side to snuggle into the beach chair) Yes, it’ll all be sorted out nicely.

            Sibling 2: I don’t like the sound of that.

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Hi!  Have any good plans for today?

            Sibling 2: Yes, actually – some errands first, but then going out to the boardwalk with the fam and dinner and ice cream later.  What about you?

          Sibling 1: Theme park all day, quick meeting to close the deal, then watching the sunset closely to make sure it takes.

            Sibling 2: Wait, what?

            Sibling 1: Enjoy your day!

            Sibling 2: Oh… kaaaayyyyy….

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Goooooood – morning!  Have any wonderful plans for this glorious day?

            Sibling 2: (Groggy) Uh, yes, actually, I think – some errands, and….

            Sibling 1: Boardwalk with the fam and then dinner and ice cream later?

            Sibling 2: Yeah… how did you – ?

            Sibling 1: Just intuition.  Enjoy your day!

            Sibling 2: Thanks…. Hey, wait, what’re you doing today?

            Sibling 1: Reveling in all the glory that is Endless Summer.

            Sibling 2: Tomorrow is September, you know.

            Sibling 1: Oh, is it?

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Howdy-howdy-howdy!  Any exciting, fantastic, splendiferous plans for this magnificent day of days?

            Sibling 2: All right, now I know we’ve had this conversation already – what is going on?!

            Sibling 1: Whatever do you mean, love?

            Sibling 2: For one thing, you’re never this happy!

            Sibling 1: Point taken.

            Sibling 2: I can’t believe I’m even asking this: are we all reliving the same day, over and over again?!

            Sibling 1: (Giggles) You weren’t supposed to notice.

            Sibling 2: What have you done?!

          Sibling 1: Let’s just say I made an arrangement with a certain party who has influence over such things.

          Sibling 2: What?!  Did you sell your soul to the Devil like we’re all specifically told not to do?!

          Sibling 1: Ewgh, no, nothing that banal.  Let’s just say I ensured certain conditions were met –

          Sibling 2: You know what: forget it, I don’t even want to know the details because I might incriminate myself later, just – put it back!

            Sibling 1: Put what back?

            Sibling 2: The day!  The calendar!  Earth’s orbit!  The space-time continuum!

            Sibling 1: But why would I want to do that?

            Sibling 2: Because this is wrong!

           Sibling 1: How so?  You have a great day ahead planned, all the damage we humans have done to the planet and outer space is now suspended and literally can’t get any worse, and I know for a fact only tiny natural disasters occur today, so why end it?  We’re all happy as we are right now, aren’t we?

            Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) I’m sure there’s a significant percentage of beings here who are having an absolutely terrible day, and now have to go through it all again and again and again!

           Sibling 1: Oh.  Well, that unfortunately will always be the case – I pray their sufferings are brief.

            Sibling 2: You’ve condemned us all to a never-ending day!

            Sibling 1: A wonderful never-ending day.  The last day of summer, which now will be the only day as far as we’re all concerned.  And on that note, have a great day!

          Sibling 2: I won’t now, and I never will!  And you realize that it’s only summer for the Northern Hemisphere, right?  You’re prolonging the last day of winter for everyone else!

Sibling 1: Umm…

Sibling 2: This day is completely ruined – change it back!

            Sibling 1: (Chuckles) Now, now, you just need to get yourself acclimated to your new reality.  Why don’t you mix it up a little – you already did all that boardwalk whatchamacallit stuff today, so why not try something you’ve never done before, like family kickboxing lessons, or cliff diving?

          Sibling 2: I’m hanging up now, and when I wake up tomorrow it had better be tomorrow!

            Sibling 1: You sound just like Mom.

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 2: (On the phone) What the –

            Sibling 1: Look, don’t be mad –

            Sibling 2: Too late for that!

            Sibling 1: I thought maybe if you gave it once more chance –

            Sibling 2: CHANGE.  IT.  BACK!

            Sibling 1: Grumpy.  What you need is a summer vacation – (The call disconnects)

SEPTEMBER 1

           Sibling 1: (On the phone) Hi.  You happy now?  It’s your precious September, and it’s cold and damp and cloudy and everything.

            Sibling 2: Yes.  I am very happy, and I’m sure the space-time continuum is, too.

            Sibling 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Whelp, summer’s over, my life is miserable yet again, and it’s all downhill from here.

            Sibling 2: Look on the bright side: you get it all back in May.

            Sibling 1: Yippee – I could be dead by then.

            Sibling 2: Always the optimist.

            Sibling 1: Still, I suppose it could be worse.

            Sibling 2: How so?

           Sibling 1: I could be stuck living in one of the Poles, South or North.  There it wouldn’t matter what month it is: every day of the year would be Endless Winter.