(On a highway, Friend 1 is driving slightly over the speed limit while singing along with the radio)
Friend 1: <GREEEEEEEEEEEEN – SLEEEEEEEEEEVES!/ WHOA, BABY –!> (Hears a DING! and briefly looks down at the dashboard) Oh shoot, I’m outta gas. (While keeping an eye on the road and a hand on the steering wheel, leans over to grab a cell phone, selects a contact, puts it on speaker, and leaves it on the passenger seat as it dials and rings)
Friend 2: (Answers while standing in a hallway outside a conference room) Hey, I’m about to go into a meeting – everything OK?
Friend 1: Yeah-yeah, sure-sure: you know of any good gas stations on Route – in ------?
Friend 2: …Are you driving right now?!
Friend 1: Yes, smother, but you’re on speaker so my attention is completely on the road.
Friend 2: Not the way you drive.
Friend 1: Hardy-har-har; so, gas stations?
Friend 2: You should be surrounded by them on that road.
Friend 1: I am, but I’m looking for a good one; you know what I mean.
Friend 2: They’re all basically the same, just different additives mixed in. Don’t go to one in --------, though: they overcharge the rich folks there, but I’m shocked they even bother – why would anyone go to one of those when you can go not even five minutes away and pay $1 less a gallon?
Friend 1: Why does anyone do anything? That’s another thing: I refuse to spend $3 a gallon when I know I’ve seen it for less but can’t remember where.
Friend 2: I don’t know; it’s been a while from the last time I filled up the car since I take the bus to work, so I couldn’t tell you what stations have the best prices now. Use one of those “Find a Gas Station” apps; that’s what modern technology’s for.
Friend 1: Heh, you’re lucky I can use my phone as a phone.
Friend 2: Right, never mind. Then just go to the station you went to last time and fill up again there.
Friend 1: Ooh, good idea, but that’s about 10 miles in the opposite direction and I have... (Briefly squints at the dashboard) negative two gallons in the tank.
Friend 2: Of course you do. At this point, I’d say pull into the first station you see and if you’re not willing to fill it up then get at least five gallons in there before your car shuts down in the middle of the highway.
Friend 1: Oh fine, I’ll spend the $10 a gallon to get some life back into the old beast before it OH-WAIT-THERE-IT-IS-NEVER-MIND-HERE-WE-GO! (Swerves the car to the right, cutting across two lanes to the sounds of screeching tires and blaring horns, then puts on a turn signal) Success!
Friend 2: Whoa, wait, are you OK?! Did you get in an accident?!
Friend 1: (Turning into a small gas station with banners displayed all around) HA! I don’t get into accidents! Accidents get into me!
Friend 2: What?
Friend 1: I just found a no-name station that must’ve opened today because I’ve never seen it on this stretch of road before, and gas here is a dollar a gallon. A DOLLAR!!! Can you believe it?!
Friend 2: No.
Friend 1: Exactly! I must’ve somehow entered a time warp back to the 90s! This is amazing – I almost want to cry!
Friend 2: Well don’t: it’s probably a mistake on the sign, or the place’ll upsell you on a car wash or something else; I think you should get out of there now.
Friend 1: I can’t!
Friend 2: I don’t care how good the deal seems, you really –
Friend 1: No, I mean, I literally can’t: I shut off the car and the rest of the gas vapors in the tank’ll be used up if I start it again now.
Friend 2: All right. Good luck. Call me later if that $1 a gallon turns out to be $100.
Friend 1: You know I’d never admit to that. (Sees Attendant walking toward the car) It’s my turn – so excited, bye! (Ends the call, tossing the phone onto the passenger seat and popping open the tank)
Friend 2: (Sighs, shaking head while pocketing the phone, then turns around to see Coworker standing nearby) Oh, sorry, that took way too long; I’ll be right in.
Coworker: No problem, it’s just….
Friend 2: What?
Coworker: Is there really a gas station that’s $1 a gallon?!
Friend 2: Only in my friend’s imagination, I’m guessing.
Coworker: Oh. For a second there, I thought we were back in the 90s.
Friend 2: Many people wish they were.
(At the gas station)
Attendant: (Carrying a clipboard and pen, approaches Friend 1’s driver side window as it rolls down) Hi, how can I help you today?
Friend 1: Hello, yes, could you fill it up ALL THE WAY, please? And cash. Not, fill it up with cash, although I wish, don’t you, heh-heh-heh?
Attendant: We all do – sign here, please. (Hands over the clipboard and pen)
Friend 1: Ohhhhh-kaaaaay…. (Starts reading the attached forms) What’s all this about?
Attendant: Well, we just opened yesterday, and by law every customer needs to sign a consent that you agree to your vehicle being infused with our fuel and to indemnify and hold harmless the company, the franchise owners, and the employees – (Places hand briefly on self) that’s me – on the off-chance anything should go, you know, awry.
Friend 1 (Signs the forms and hands back the clipboard and pen) Sure, OK, fine, sounds like a whole bunch of rigmarole for gas; what is it, jet fuel or something?
Attendant: (Nods) Rocket, actually.
Friend 1: …What?
Attendant: It’s an experiment we’re running – theoretically, it should increase the car’s fuel efficiency by 100%, but there is the slight possibility of liftoff, which is why we’re only charging $1 a gallon.
Friend 1: …What?!
Attendant: (While placing a gargantuan pump nozzle into the car’s tank) I know, it really should be free since the customers are being volunteer test subjects, but we have to cover the overhead somehow. The economy, it’s always the economy! (Starts whistling while watching the meter increase)
Friend 1: (Unbuckles the seat belt and rushes out of the car) Wait-wait, stop everything! (Attendant releases the nozzle’s trigger and looks at Friend 1 expectantly) I did not sign up to have rocket fuel injected into my car!
Attendant: You literally just did. (Waves the clipboard as evidence)
Friend 1: Yeah, but, I didn’t really read it!
Attendant: Clearly.
Friend 1: And this is false advertising! You’re passing yourselves off as selling regular old gasoline when it’s a blatant lie!
Attendant: Is not! Says so exactly on the signs! (Points to the gas station signs and banners that read “To-the-Moon Rocket Fuel”)
Friend 1: Yeah, well, we all just assume that’s hyperbole!
Attendant: Not if they actually read what they’re signing.
Friend 1: Well – then – I want to return my purchase!
Attendant: Sure. (Reaches around the pump to pick up a siphon hose and holds it out to Friend 1) Go ahead and take the fuel out of the car. Please make certain you get every drop back into the pump, though: this stuff’s tremendously valuable.
Friend 1: (Staring in disgust at the siphon) That’s not my job!
Attendant: Not mine either: our liability coverage is only for putting fuel into the tanks, not sucking it back out again. If that’s what you want though, then by all means: have at it.
Friend 1: Ew, gross!
Attendant: Precisely.
Friend 1: Fine, you win! I’ll be part of you nerds’ kooky experiment! But if I burn up on re-entry, you can bet I’ll be aiming my debris directly at you!
Attendant: Fair enough. (Tosses the siphon back into a bucket and resumes pumping fuel into the car and whistling)
Friend 1: (Fuming, returns to the driver seat and slams the door, then grips the steering wheel in anxiety) Should I start praying?
Attendant: (Returns the nozzle to the pump and walks back over to Friend 1’s window) OK, that’ll be $11.98.
Friend 1: (Grumbling while taking money out of a wallet) Can’t even enjoy the cheapest gas I’ve gotten in decades – I’m gonna die in orbit around Mars – never liked space to begin with – (Plops the bills onto Attendant’s open hand) here: keep the two cents!
Attendant: Good, `cause we don’t have any change.
Friend 1: At last: some sense of normalcy here. (Buckles up, grimaces, and starts the engine) OK – nothing’s on fire, always a good sign.
Attendant: (Putting on goggles and safety earmuffs) Yes, but you may want to brace yourself when hitting the accelerator. (Dives behind the gas station’s main building)
Friend 1: (Turning back slightly toward where the Attendant was a moment ago, while hitting the accelerator) Huh? (The car accelerates to near-light speed onto the highway) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Friend 1 barely is able to steer around other vehicles on the road and runs red lights while just missing the opposing traffic; others stop in bewilderment at the flash rushing by and the sonic boom resounding soon afterward)
Attendant: (Emerges from behind the building, smiling at the contrails left behind) Splendid: another success for the books.
(Twenty miles away, Friend 1 is finally able to brake sharply on a beach)
Friend 1: (Hyperventilating while grasping the steering wheel, stares out at the ocean waves for a few minutes to calm down, then pats the wheel reassuringly) You all right there, Betsy? (The car immediately shuts off) I don’t blame you. (Shakily picks up the cell phone that wound up on the floor of the back seat and calls Friend 2)
Friend 2: (Answering the phone while leaving the conference room) Great timing: meeting was painful but quick. So, did you wind up having to pay hidden fees or get stuck with liquid mud instead of gas or something like that?
Friend 1: No, but I did almost get launched into space.
Friend 2: Ha-ha, got a kick to it, huh?
Friend 1: You could say that. I’m at ----- ---- Beach right now.
Friend 2: Really? That’s about a half-hour drive from where you were, and you called me less than 10 minutes ago.
Friend 1: Uh-huh.
Friend 2: So how’d you get there so fast?
Friend 1: They gave me rocket fuel.
Friend 2: Yeah, I’ll bet.
Friend 1: …I’m serious.
Friend 2: (Laughs, then stops) Wait, no, they can’t do that. Can they?
Friend 1: They did. I almost had the first actual flying car in history just now.
Friend 2: Wow. That sounds… extremely dangerous.
Friend 1: It was. I somehow avoided about 200 accidents on the way here, and I think only because I was going so fast that I travelled through everyone else. (Turns around to look out the rear window on hearing noise outside, then turns back) I seem to have run through some sand dunes on my landing, so the park rangers want to have a word with me now. I hope they’ll accept my unintentional warp speed as an excuse.
Friend 2: Probably not, but good luck.
Friend 1: Thanks.
Friend 2: You gonna be all right getting home in that thing?
Friend 1: I think so; almost got the hang of it.
Friend 2: Great, `cause I want you to be safe –
Friend 1: Appreciate it.
Friend 2: And I want you to pick me up from work so I can get home at a decent time for once.
Friend 1: ….
Friend 2: ….
Friend 1: …Yeah, sure; got nothing better to do.