Story 330: Trying a New Sleep Schedule

          (In a department store, Coworker 2 is yawning at the customer service desk as Coworker 1 arrives)

            Coworker 1: Gooooood morning!  And how are we this fine day?

            Coworker 2: (Blinks groggily at Coworker 1) I’m sorry, did you come to the right building?

            Coworker 1: Silly-billy!  (Inhales deeply and exhales resoundingly) Ahhhh, isn’t it such a joy to be alive?  (Begins sorting through reshelves that are piled in large towers around them)

           Coworker 2: Are you sure you know you’re at work and not, I don’t know, the Bahamas, or the Alps, or the amusement park?  The store just opened and we’re already 10 years behind in projects, plus we have to start prepping for inventory at some point this afternoon, or did you forget that monstrosity as well?

           Coworker 1: Oh, inventory: what a great process to ensure our records match up with our stock.  (A bus-load of children enter the store) Oooh, young ones!  How their enthusiasm and destructive behavior revitalize my soul!

           Coworker 2: (Grabs items out of Coworker 1’s hands and slams them messily onto the counter) All right, spill it: did you take something before you clocked in today?  As in, something harmfully joy-inducing?

             Coworker 1: Whatever do you mean, ol’ chum of mine?

            Coworker 2: You’re never this happy when you’re here, and all of a sudden you’re treating this place like it’s Heaven.  And we are not friends, at all – you barely say “Hi” and “Bye” to me each day, and the feeling’s mutual.  Are you dying and just now appreciating life in all its glory?

          Coworker 1: Wow, that took a turn – no, I just feel so much better after doing an experiment during my days off this week.

            Coworker 2: An experiment-al substance?

            Coworker 1: Ew, no.  Look, you know pretty much everybody sleeps terribly, right?

            Coworker 2: I’d be the first to say “Yes”: I could keel over right now, but I’d probably whack my head on the counter on the way down.

           Coworker 1: Yeah, we all stay up way too late or have obstructed breathing or watch blue light way too long or all these things combined, so we don’t recharge our batteries properly and leave the door wide open for all sorts of other illnesses and conditions to just waltz on in.  Not to mention our productivity’s out the window, but I don’t really care about that part.

            Coworker 2: (Prolonged yawn) Sorry, I’m actually listening and that’s what inspired me.  So what’d you do?

            Coworker 1: So, these past few days, I finally told myself that enough was too much, and I completely changed my sleep schedule.

           Coworker 2: Oh, you mean you actually go to bed at a decent time and sleep the recommended seven-and-a-half-to-eight hours a night?

            Coworker 1: Better: I read an article that said that sleeping eight hours straight is unnatural and only came about because of the longer working hours during the Industrial Revolution, and we should be more like cats and sleep at intervals throughout the day instead.  So, now I’m a polyphasic sleeper and nap for 30 minutes every six hours, and I’ve never felt better in my entire life.

          Coworker 2: Wow, that’s… really impractical.  How do you get anything done if you keep having to stop to nap?

            Coworker 1: Surprisingly easily, considering that I’m now awake 22 hours a day.  It just takes a little creativity, and everything falls into place.  I nap, wake up, do what I have to do for hours, nap again, wake up again, on and on.  And I feel absolutely refreshed each and every time.

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but what if you’re out somewhere doing… something?  Or here, even: your shift’s eight hours long!

            Coworker 1: Way ahead of you: I arranged with management to stick my meal break at the end of my shift, so when I’m done I’ll go nap in the car and the manager’ll clock me out later.

            Coworker 2: I guess, but won’t you get hungry if you don’t stop to actually eat?  And that also doesn’t seem safe – have you seen who hangs out in the parking lot here?

            Coworker 1: It’s OK: when I set the alarm, the outside of the car’s electrified.

            Coworker 2: What?

           Coworker 1: I also locate perfect napping locations wherever I go now, too – I really should also locate at least two exits, but I can’t retain that much information.

           Coworker 2: I don’t know, this doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run.  What if you can’t fall asleep right away, and blow past your 30 minutes – or your body really does need more than two hours of sleep a day?!

            Coworker 1: I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and you can’t argue with the results!  (There is a loud crash towards the back of the store, followed by multiple sets of tears) Aw, a crisis – I’ll get it!  (Skips away)

          Coworker 2: (Slumps across the counter and yawns again) Still think you’re on something.

2:00 A.M. THE FOLLOWING DAY

            Coworker 2: (Awoken by the phone ringing, fumbles with the bedside lamp and phone, then answers) Buh-lo?

          Coworker 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  I just had a brainstorm for how we can handle the clearance displays later this week – want to meet up for coffee to go over all that?

            Coworker 2: …Now?

            Coworker 1: No time like the present! 

            Coworker 2: But I’m presently sleeping.

           Coworker 1: Not anymore!  Now you can try out my theory and see how much better you’ll feel all the rest of your days!

            Coworker 2: You woke me up during a dream where my celebrity crush was holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be OK.  I felt so at peace with the world.

            Coworker 1: And?

            Coworker 2: And now I hate you forever.  Also, I think you should check with a doctor before embarking on such a drastic health regime.  And on that note, I will forgive you for your dream interruption if you forgive me for – (Disconnects the call)

         Coworker 1: (Also disconnects, and resumes yoga practice) All visionaries encounter resistance.

Story 292: Undercover Bargain Basement

            (In a mall department store fitting room area)

           Friend 1: (Emerging from one of the rooms in an ill-fitting frock, arms spread out wide to display the disaster; approaches Friend 2 who is seated in a comfy chair in the waiting area) Well????

            Friend 2: (Grimaces) Yeah, not any better than the others.  I actually think it’s a bit worse.

           Friend 1: Gaahh!  What good is a store-specific gift card if nothing in said store fits right?!  And the stuff that does fit is priced for rich people who never shop here!  (Removes dress, revealing regular clothes underneath, and flings it onto the floor in emphasis)  And the rest is made for super-tall people who also never shop here!

            Guy: (Has been seated in a comfy chair near Friend 2 the entire time and has not looked up from playing on his phone) Heh-heh-heh, no one ever goes to The Basement.

            Friend 1: (Pauses in disgust at interrupted tirade) Why would they?  Basements are creepy, and so was that laugh.

            Guy: (Finally looks up) Not a basement, The Basement.  (Friend 1 blinks blankly) The one here, on the lower level of the store.  (Blank blinking) It’s been there for about two years.  (Blank blinking) Seriously, you’ve never heard of it?!

            Friend 1: I think you’re making it up.

            Guy: There’re signs for it everywhere; look – (Points to a wall) there’s even one right next to your heard!

            Friend 1: (Turns to stare at a sign that reads “CHECK OUT EVEN MORE SAVINGS IN THE BASEMENT!  LOCATED IN THE LOWER LEVEL – USE THE ESCALATORS AND ELEVATORS IN ACCESSORIES”) Hmmmm….

            Guy: And there’s been at least 10 overhead announcements about it in the past hour.

            Friend 1: I’ve yet to hear one.

            Guy: There’s one literally going on right now!

            (Friend 1 tilts head)

            Overhead Announcement: …Basement, located in the lower level, for even more savings!

            Friend 1: Hmmmm….

            Guy: Marketing truly is a thankless job.

            Friend 2: I actually have noticed all that stuff –

            Friend 1: (Whirls on Friend 2) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: – but I figured there’d just be damage bins or racks of hideous rejects; you know, all the junk no one wants.

            Guy: (Leans back in reverie) Ah, that’s what everyone thinks, right up until the moment they go downstairs and experience the magic and wonder for themselves.

            Friend 1: What, knock-off brands?

           Guy: Hardly.  Think of it as a few steps above a dollar store: you’ll come out of there with bags and bags of pretty decent merch for literally a quarter of what you would’ve paid when they were up here.  Last year, I was able to replace my entire moth-eaten winter wardrobe in one trip to a single rack.

Friend 1: (Disbelievingly) No!

Guy: (Nods) A friend of mine once bought a bedroom set for 20 bucks because the style was out of season.

Friend 2: Whaaaaaaaaaaat????

Guy: And the pajamas are to die for.  The place is an oasis: it’s so beautiful, I could cry.

Friend 1: So what’s the catch – is there a cover charge?

Guy: No.

Friend 1: Secret password?

Guy: No, you just go downstairs.

Friend 1: But there must be booby traps or a maze to navigate or a riddle to solve, yes?

Guy: No, it’s just really really really cheap stuff!... That they want to get rid of and this is the best way to do it.

Friend 1: So if it’s such a paradise, what’re you doing up on this level at all, ever?

Guy: (Jerks head towards the fitting rooms) Serving out my sentence.

Friend 1: Oh, sorry.

Guy: Don’t be; it’s deserved.  (Returns to the phone)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at each other for a moment before Friend 1 gathers the dress from the floor and runs back to the fitting room to grab the other clothes left in there, and Friend 2 collects their bags)

Friend 2: (To Guy) Thanks for the advice – we’ll be heading there now.

Guy: (Looks up again) Ooh, could you do me a favor?  If I’m still here when you’re done, could you let me know if that all-inclusive grill set is still for sale?

Friend 2: (While Friend 1 continuously drops items from an overflowing pile) Sure – want us to ask them to hold it for you?

Guy: Nah, that just looks desperate.

Friend 1: (Throws entire pile of clothes at the reshelves rack, knocking it over; grabs Friend 2’s hand on the way out) Thanks a bunch – stay strong – we’ll write – byeeeeee!!

(In The Basement, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand in the center of the floor with their eyes, mouths, and arms wide open)

Friend 2: There’s so much stuff –

Friend 1: And the quality’s not bad –

Friend 2: And not all the styles are atrocious –

Friend 1: And everything’s so darn cheap –

Friend 1 and Friend 2: SQUEEEEEE!!!

Basement Sales Associate: Hush, please: this is a sacred space.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Whisper) SQUEEEEEE!!!

Basement Sales Associate: (Smiles indulgently) It’s all right – off you go.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 each grab a shopping cart and tear though the department picking up clothes, vacuum cleaners, table settings, snow shovels, air hockey tables, and everything else.  They wheel their overloaded carts to the cash registers and nearly topple them over as they snatch the impulse buys that are sitting alongside the register line, asking to be purchased)

Basement Cashier: (After taking 20 minutes to ring up every last item in Friend 1’s cart) That’ll be $14.10.

Friend 1: (Faints)

(Exiting from the elevator back onto the first floor, Friend 1 and Friend 2 slowly push their laden-down carts through the aisles of the store)

Friend 1: You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that out of all of these things, I really only needed one.

Friend 2: Oh yeah, most of mine are gifts so I don’t have to come back here at all during the holiday season.

Friend 1: Smart.

(As they pass the fitting room area they see Guy still seated in the comfy chair – he is surrounded by piles of bags and clothes, with only his head peeking out the top.  He spots the two and raises his eyebrows in inquiry)

Friend 2: Oh, oops – (Cups side of mouth to shout) Sorry dude!  Forgot to check for the grill!

Guy: Understandable!  (Sinks under the piles)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 start pushing their carts again; they only advance a few feet before both carts collapse under the weight)

Friend 1: So… I guess we have to live here then?

Friend 2: That may have been the store’s diabolical plan all along.

Story 247: Generous Return Policy

            (At a department store’s returns counter)

           Customer 1: Hi, I would like to return this toaster oven – I bought it yesterday but I really don’t need it; it’s never been used; here’s the receipt.

            Cashier: Beautiful.  (Processes the return) And here’s your refund; have a nice day!

           Customer 1: Wow, that was the fastest return I’ve ever had in my entire life.  I don’t know how to feel right now.

            Cashier: Feel it over there, please – next!

           Customer 2: Yeah, my girlfriend made me bring this paint back because it’s the wrong hue or whatever, but it’s been opened and we painted half the room before she figured that out –

            Cashier: Not a problem!  Here’s some store credit.

            Customer 2: Really?  So we had that big fight over nothing?

            Cashier: Sorry to hear that – next!

           Customer 3: I bought this vacuum cleaner over a year ago, used it a whole bunch of times, and now it doesn’t work so I want a new one.

            Cashier: Here you go! (Hands over a new vacuum cleaner) Next!

            Customer 4: Hi, I’d like to return this dress.

            Cashier: Has it been worn?

            Customer 4: Yes.  Quite often, in fact.

            Cashier: Do you have the receipt?

            Customer 4: No, but I made sure to leave the tags on.

            Cashier: Well then, here’s your store credit – next!

            Customer 4: But I want a refund.

            Cashier: Then here you go!  Next!

           Customer 5: (Grabs a pack of gum from the display and plops it onto the counter) Yeah, I’d like to return this for cash.

            Cashier: Sure thing!

          Manager: (Arrives behind Cashier) Hold it!  Folks, it’ll be a few minutes while one of our associates takes over here.

            (Collective groan from the customers)

            Customer 12: (Halfway down the line) Will they take back my grandmother’s teapot?

            Manager: Probably not.  (To Cashier) Walk with me.

            Cashier: Okey-dokey.

            (They aimlessly stroll around the store)

            Manager: I think you may need a refresher course on processing returns.

            Cashier: But I have been processing them!  All of them!

           Manager: Exactly!  Not every item people bring in here is eligible for a return!  And that last one was clearly attempted theft!

           Cashier: But I was told to take everything back and never question the customers, lest they transform into hideous monsters who destroy your soul!

            Manager: That’s true, but everything has a limit.  You can’t take back items that were never even in the company’s inventory, for one thing – that’s just people offloading their junk.

            Cashier: So how I do keep the hideous transformation from happening?

        Manager: Either shame them into submission by showing how damaged/old/not-even-purchased-here the item is, or make them feel sorry for you by handing them the return policy while weeping about how underpaid you are.  It works because it’s true.

            Cashier: I guess I can try.  I just don’t like having to play police on scam artists, and I feel like I failed if I can’t convince people they can’t pull a fast one.

            Manager: Don’t – the failure isn’t yours.

            Customer 20: Excuse me?

            Manager: Yes?

            Customer 20: Can I return this here? (Holds up a ship’s helm)

            Manager: That clearly is not one of our products.

            Customer 20: Figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.