Story 635: Antivirus Software: You Get What You Pay For

             (In an electronics store, Customer is at the register purchasing a laptop)

Cashier: So, along with the laptop itself, would you like document and spreadsheet software?

Customer: How much extra?

Cashier: $150.

Customer: Heck no – I’ll wing it.

Cashier: OK, how about extra memory?

Customer: No – I’ll cross that bridge when I run out of it.

Cashier: Company credit card for discounts that you may or may not need?

Customer: No.

Cashier: Protection plan?

Customer: No.

Cashier: Antivirus software?

Customer: No – actually, that one I will need the second I access the Inter-disgusting-net.  What are the options?

Cashier: Well, there’s this premium version – (Gestures to a nearby figure dressed in a tuxedo)

Premium Antivirus Software: (Smoothly) I’m here for your every need, always.  Let me protect you from all the perils of that dangerous online world out there, my sweet.

Customer: Ew.  (To Cashier) How much?

Cashier: $200 a year.

Customer: Hard pass.  What else?

Cashier: Well, there’s a pretty good one that covers almost everything the first one does, just not as customized.  (Gestures to a nearby figure in a suit)

Pretty Good Antivirus Software: Never fear, your protector is here!  Not as personal, but just as protective!  (Thumbs-up at Customer)

Premium Antivirus Software: Hmpf.  No class whatsoever.

Customer: (To Cashier) Not bad – how much?

Cashier: $125 a year.

Customer: Whoo-hoo no – next!

Cashier: Well, if those options don’t suit you, there’s always the… basic software.  (Gestures to a nearby figure in T-shirt and jeans, snacking on a bag of potato chips)

Basic Antivirus Software: `Sup.

Customer: Ummm, do you provide antivirus protection, at all?

Basic Antivirus Software: (Shrugs) Sure.

Customer: (To Cashier) How much?

Cashier: $30 a year.

Customer: Sold!  (Completes the purchase)

Basic Antivirus Software: (Still snacking on the way out as the other two antivirus software figures glare) What can I say?  Get yourselves on sale next time. 

(At Customer’s home, the new laptop has been set up with programs installed and Wi-Fi signal connected)

Customer: (Sitting on the living room couch, with the laptop on a lapdesk) All right, accessing the interwebs… (Clicks on the browser icon; a tab appears) Yes!  Success!  I’m always amazed when this stuff actually works.  (Checks e-mail) Oh, my cousin sent me an article, how nice.  (Clicks on the link; a pop-up window appears) No, I don’t want an extra page downloading with this, thank-you.  (Clicks on the “X” – a bajillion pop-ups immediately appear, along with a phone number, flashing lights, and a loud BEEEEEEEEEP!)

Voice: (Blaring from the laptop’s speakers) WARNING!  WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TURN OFF OR RESTART THE COMPUTER!  AND DO NOT UNPLUG THE ROUTER OR ELSE DISASTROUS THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO ALL YOUR FILES AND YOUR COMPUTER WILL NEVER EVER WORK AGAIN!  CALL THIS BRIGHT AND FLASHING PHONE NUMBER NOW AND WE WILL SAVE YOU FROM DESTRUCTION!  AND DON’T STOP TO THINK ABOUT THIS – JUST FOCUS ON THE LOUD NOISES AND INSISTENT MESSAGES AND TRUST US TO RESCUE YOU FROM DOOOOOOM!!!

Customer: (Flies off the couch, runs over the router, and rips out the plug) NononononoIdon’tbelievethisthisissounfairthesenderwaslegitIneverfallforthesethingshowdidthishappenenrightoutofthegate – !  (Runs back to the laptop and holds down the power button to turn it off)

Voice: I SAID DON’T TURN IT OFF – !  (Sudden silence)

Customer: (Fumes for several seconds, then yells at the ceiling) BASIC!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slouches into the living room while slurping a soda) Yo?

Customer: (Points to the laptop) How did this happen?!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Stares blankly at the laptop, then back at Customer) Uh, I think it was made in a factory somewhere, and then got shipped to the store where you bought it.

Customer: No-no-no, I know how it got here!  The problem is, I’m not on the thing for five minutes and I got hacked!

Basic Antivirus Software: Aw, really?  That’s too bad.  (Slurps)

Customer: No, not “too bad”, it’s your fault!

Basic Antivirus Software: Huh?  How you figure?

Customer: You have one job to do, and you blew it!  You’re supposed to keep those – (Flails arms at the laptop) things away from me, and yet, here it is!

Basic Antivirus Software: Whelp, no net catches 100% of anything; stuff like this is bound to get through.

Customer: Seriously?!

Basic Antivirus Software: At any rate, it sounds more like a “user error” issue to me, if you know what I mean.

Customer: (Coolly) Excuse me?

Basic Antivirus Software:  Technically, it’s your job not to fall for that obvious garbage.

Customer: I don’t!  I was exiting out of that window and this whole blaring fire alarm and window brigade showed up and yelled at me to call them!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps) Huh.  Did you call them?

Customer: No!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps again) You unplug the router or shut off the computer?

Customer: Yes!  Both!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps to the end of the drink) Should be fine then – sounds like it was trying to lure you into its malware web, and you probably dodged it.  No harm, no foul.

Customer: So that’s it?!  You just sit back and do nothing while I’m the one who has to dodge lures left and right?!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Sighs loudly) You want me to run a scan to make sure?

Customer: YES!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slumps over to stand by the couch) OK, start it back up and I’ll scan it.  (Customer sits back down on the couch and starts the laptop; Basic Antivirus Software runs the scan for a few minutes) See?  No viruses found – can I go now?  (Unwraps a candy bar and starts munching)

Customer: That was a suspiciously short scan!  And you’re supposed to be watching out for this stuff 24/7!

Basic Antivirus Software: No I’m not – only when you’re online.  That’s all I signed up for, anyway.

Customer: Fine, just – don’t go anywhere.  (Begins working furiously on the laptop)

Basic Antivirus Software: (Settles on the arm of the couch behind Customer, munching on the candy bar and watching the screen) You know, if you’d wanted comprehensive protection and safe browsing tips and virtual hand-holding and all that, maybe you shouldn’t have gone for a cheap option like me who is clearly only going to do the bare minimum.  (Munches loudly)

Customer: (Glaring at the screen while dodging another malware trap) Clearly.

Story 273: Wait, You Don’t Want to Hear My Life Story?!

            Hairdresser: So, what’ll it be today?

            Client: I was thinking a few inches, you know, up to here.

            Hairdresser: The usual, then.  (Starts snipping away) So, how’re the kids?

           Client: Oh, they’re great – the oldest made the basketball team this year, and – (Goes on for 20 minutes) Anyway, after all that happened, I’m seriously considering sending that one to military school.

            Hairdresser: Uh-huh.

            Client: Yeah.  Speaking of –

            Hairdresser: All done!  (Flourishes cape off Client)

            Client: Oh.  Thanks.  Looks good.  (Stands and hands over a tip)

            Hairdresser: Thank you, have a great day, come back soon, byyyyyyeeeee!  (Moves on to the next client at the washing station)

            Client: (On the way to the cash register) I didn’t get to finish my story….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            Dentist: I see you just need a cleaning today?

          Patient: (All set up in the chair and wearing the bib) Well, maybe.  You see, Doc, my gums have been a bit inflamed lately – you think it might be the gingivitis we’ve always feared?

           Dentist: We’ll find out!  Open up.  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist explores with mirror and scraper) Oh yeah, you’ve got quite a few things going on: we’ll be here awhile.  (Unravels array of implements on a tray)

            Patient: [Gurgle]

         Dentist: (Props open Patient’s mouth, inserts the saliva ejector, and goes to work) So, everything going well with you since your last visit?

            Patient: Wauh, ah –

            Dentist: Ooh, that’s a nice little cavity we’ve got here!

            Patient: Aughua?!

           Dentist: Heh-heh, save that one for later – let’s see what else we can find first.  So, how’ve you been doing with the snow this week?

            Patient: Ehoua –

Dentist: (Begins drilling) Yeah, every day I had to clean off my car and shovel out the entire driveway – by myself, mind you – and then it took me forever just to get here what with the way the streets are plowed – do they even sand the roads anymore?  (Thirty minutes later) I mean what are we paying taxes for, am-I-right?

Patient: Umf-uh.

Dentist: (Turns off tools) Well, all done, good as new, don’t eat anything for at least an hour, see you in six months!  (Raises chair, removes equipment and bib, and dashes to the next patient, as the rest of the day now is just so far behind)

Patient: (Sits in the chair for a few moments, holding tender jaw) They sand by me.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

Cashier: Hello, did you find everything you needed today?  (Begins scanning items)

Customer: No, but too late now: I’m not going back out there.

Cashier: Heh-heh.  (Scans faster)

Customer: I mean, no matter where I go, there’re like a billion people everywhere, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean, where did all these people come from, you know?

Cashier: …From other people?

Customer: HA!  Good one.  I mean, I just feel like I spend my entire life waiting on line, and all I want is new clothes and shoes every day.  Life just isn’t fair, right?

Cashier: Yeah.  (Begins bagging while scanning)

Customer: I mean, I’m a good person, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic all the time on my way to the mall, or to be written up at work for being “disruptive,” whatever that means, just because I regularly make a few personal phone calls in the office, or to have my so-called friends stab me in the back just because I was being honest and told them that they’re horrible demons, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean –

Cashier: Sorry, do you have a rewards card with us?

Customer: Oh.  Yeah, here.  (Hands over card)

Cashier: (After swiping) That’ll be $600.23.

Customer: (Hands over credit card) These prices, I tell you, everything’s gotten so expensive you can’t even treat yourself to a little somethin’-somethin’ anymore –

Cashier: (Hands cards and 20 bags of merchandise over to the Customer) Thank you, have a good night, next!

Customer: (Expertly carries bags and leaves the store) And I didn’t even get started on my views of the tax system.

Story 247: Generous Return Policy

            (At a department store’s returns counter)

           Customer 1: Hi, I would like to return this toaster oven – I bought it yesterday but I really don’t need it; it’s never been used; here’s the receipt.

            Cashier: Beautiful.  (Processes the return) And here’s your refund; have a nice day!

           Customer 1: Wow, that was the fastest return I’ve ever had in my entire life.  I don’t know how to feel right now.

            Cashier: Feel it over there, please – next!

           Customer 2: Yeah, my girlfriend made me bring this paint back because it’s the wrong hue or whatever, but it’s been opened and we painted half the room before she figured that out –

            Cashier: Not a problem!  Here’s some store credit.

            Customer 2: Really?  So we had that big fight over nothing?

            Cashier: Sorry to hear that – next!

           Customer 3: I bought this vacuum cleaner over a year ago, used it a whole bunch of times, and now it doesn’t work so I want a new one.

            Cashier: Here you go! (Hands over a new vacuum cleaner) Next!

            Customer 4: Hi, I’d like to return this dress.

            Cashier: Has it been worn?

            Customer 4: Yes.  Quite often, in fact.

            Cashier: Do you have the receipt?

            Customer 4: No, but I made sure to leave the tags on.

            Cashier: Well then, here’s your store credit – next!

            Customer 4: But I want a refund.

            Cashier: Then here you go!  Next!

           Customer 5: (Grabs a pack of gum from the display and plops it onto the counter) Yeah, I’d like to return this for cash.

            Cashier: Sure thing!

          Manager: (Arrives behind Cashier) Hold it!  Folks, it’ll be a few minutes while one of our associates takes over here.

            (Collective groan from the customers)

            Customer 12: (Halfway down the line) Will they take back my grandmother’s teapot?

            Manager: Probably not.  (To Cashier) Walk with me.

            Cashier: Okey-dokey.

            (They aimlessly stroll around the store)

            Manager: I think you may need a refresher course on processing returns.

            Cashier: But I have been processing them!  All of them!

           Manager: Exactly!  Not every item people bring in here is eligible for a return!  And that last one was clearly attempted theft!

           Cashier: But I was told to take everything back and never question the customers, lest they transform into hideous monsters who destroy your soul!

            Manager: That’s true, but everything has a limit.  You can’t take back items that were never even in the company’s inventory, for one thing – that’s just people offloading their junk.

            Cashier: So how I do keep the hideous transformation from happening?

        Manager: Either shame them into submission by showing how damaged/old/not-even-purchased-here the item is, or make them feel sorry for you by handing them the return policy while weeping about how underpaid you are.  It works because it’s true.

            Cashier: I guess I can try.  I just don’t like having to play police on scam artists, and I feel like I failed if I can’t convince people they can’t pull a fast one.

            Manager: Don’t – the failure isn’t yours.

            Customer 20: Excuse me?

            Manager: Yes?

            Customer 20: Can I return this here? (Holds up a ship’s helm)

            Manager: That clearly is not one of our products.

            Customer 20: Figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.