Story 247: Generous Return Policy

            (At a department store’s returns counter)

           Customer 1: Hi, I would like to return this toaster oven – I bought it yesterday but I really don’t need it; it’s never been used; here’s the receipt.

            Cashier: Beautiful.  (Processes the return) And here’s your refund; have a nice day!

           Customer 1: Wow, that was the fastest return I’ve ever had in my entire life.  I don’t know how to feel right now.

            Cashier: Feel it over there, please – next!

           Customer 2: Yeah, my girlfriend made me bring this paint back because it’s the wrong hue or whatever, but it’s been opened and we painted half the room before she figured that out –

            Cashier: Not a problem!  Here’s some store credit.

            Customer 2: Really?  So we had that big fight over nothing?

            Cashier: Sorry to hear that – next!

           Customer 3: I bought this vacuum cleaner over a year ago, used it a whole bunch of times, and now it doesn’t work so I want a new one.

            Cashier: Here you go! (Hands over a new vacuum cleaner) Next!

            Customer 4: Hi, I’d like to return this dress.

            Cashier: Has it been worn?

            Customer 4: Yes.  Quite often, in fact.

            Cashier: Do you have the receipt?

            Customer 4: No, but I made sure to leave the tags on.

            Cashier: Well then, here’s your store credit – next!

            Customer 4: But I want a refund.

            Cashier: Then here you go!  Next!

           Customer 5: (Grabs a pack of gum from the display and plops it onto the counter) Yeah, I’d like to return this for cash.

            Cashier: Sure thing!

          Manager: (Arrives behind Cashier) Hold it!  Folks, it’ll be a few minutes while one of our associates takes over here.

            (Collective groan from the customers)

            Customer 12: (Halfway down the line) Will they take back my grandmother’s teapot?

            Manager: Probably not.  (To Cashier) Walk with me.

            Cashier: Okey-dokey.

            (They aimlessly stroll around the store)

            Manager: I think you may need a refresher course on processing returns.

            Cashier: But I have been processing them!  All of them!

           Manager: Exactly!  Not every item people bring in here is eligible for a return!  And that last one was clearly attempted theft!

           Cashier: But I was told to take everything back and never question the customers, lest they transform into hideous monsters who destroy your soul!

            Manager: That’s true, but everything has a limit.  You can’t take back items that were never even in the company’s inventory, for one thing – that’s just people offloading their junk.

            Cashier: So how I do keep the hideous transformation from happening?

        Manager: Either shame them into submission by showing how damaged/old/not-even-purchased-here the item is, or make them feel sorry for you by handing them the return policy while weeping about how underpaid you are.  It works because it’s true.

            Cashier: I guess I can try.  I just don’t like having to play police on scam artists, and I feel like I failed if I can’t convince people they can’t pull a fast one.

            Manager: Don’t – the failure isn’t yours.

            Customer 20: Excuse me?

            Manager: Yes?

            Customer 20: Can I return this here? (Holds up a ship’s helm)

            Manager: That clearly is not one of our products.

            Customer 20: Figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.