Story 292: Undercover Bargain Basement

            (In a mall department store fitting room area)

           Friend 1: (Emerging from one of the rooms in an ill-fitting frock, arms spread out wide to display the disaster; approaches Friend 2 who is seated in a comfy chair in the waiting area) Well????

            Friend 2: (Grimaces) Yeah, not any better than the others.  I actually think it’s a bit worse.

           Friend 1: Gaahh!  What good is a store-specific gift card if nothing in said store fits right?!  And the stuff that does fit is priced for rich people who never shop here!  (Removes dress, revealing regular clothes underneath, and flings it onto the floor in emphasis)  And the rest is made for super-tall people who also never shop here!

            Guy: (Has been seated in a comfy chair near Friend 2 the entire time and has not looked up from playing on his phone) Heh-heh-heh, no one ever goes to The Basement.

            Friend 1: (Pauses in disgust at interrupted tirade) Why would they?  Basements are creepy, and so was that laugh.

            Guy: (Finally looks up) Not a basement, The Basement.  (Friend 1 blinks blankly) The one here, on the lower level of the store.  (Blank blinking) It’s been there for about two years.  (Blank blinking) Seriously, you’ve never heard of it?!

            Friend 1: I think you’re making it up.

            Guy: There’re signs for it everywhere; look – (Points to a wall) there’s even one right next to your heard!

            Friend 1: (Turns to stare at a sign that reads “CHECK OUT EVEN MORE SAVINGS IN THE BASEMENT!  LOCATED IN THE LOWER LEVEL – USE THE ESCALATORS AND ELEVATORS IN ACCESSORIES”) Hmmmm….

            Guy: And there’s been at least 10 overhead announcements about it in the past hour.

            Friend 1: I’ve yet to hear one.

            Guy: There’s one literally going on right now!

            (Friend 1 tilts head)

            Overhead Announcement: …Basement, located in the lower level, for even more savings!

            Friend 1: Hmmmm….

            Guy: Marketing truly is a thankless job.

            Friend 2: I actually have noticed all that stuff –

            Friend 1: (Whirls on Friend 2) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: – but I figured there’d just be damage bins or racks of hideous rejects; you know, all the junk no one wants.

            Guy: (Leans back in reverie) Ah, that’s what everyone thinks, right up until the moment they go downstairs and experience the magic and wonder for themselves.

            Friend 1: What, knock-off brands?

           Guy: Hardly.  Think of it as a few steps above a dollar store: you’ll come out of there with bags and bags of pretty decent merch for literally a quarter of what you would’ve paid when they were up here.  Last year, I was able to replace my entire moth-eaten winter wardrobe in one trip to a single rack.

Friend 1: (Disbelievingly) No!

Guy: (Nods) A friend of mine once bought a bedroom set for 20 bucks because the style was out of season.

Friend 2: Whaaaaaaaaaaat????

Guy: And the pajamas are to die for.  The place is an oasis: it’s so beautiful, I could cry.

Friend 1: So what’s the catch – is there a cover charge?

Guy: No.

Friend 1: Secret password?

Guy: No, you just go downstairs.

Friend 1: But there must be booby traps or a maze to navigate or a riddle to solve, yes?

Guy: No, it’s just really really really cheap stuff!... That they want to get rid of and this is the best way to do it.

Friend 1: So if it’s such a paradise, what’re you doing up on this level at all, ever?

Guy: (Jerks head towards the fitting rooms) Serving out my sentence.

Friend 1: Oh, sorry.

Guy: Don’t be; it’s deserved.  (Returns to the phone)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at each other for a moment before Friend 1 gathers the dress from the floor and runs back to the fitting room to grab the other clothes left in there, and Friend 2 collects their bags)

Friend 2: (To Guy) Thanks for the advice – we’ll be heading there now.

Guy: (Looks up again) Ooh, could you do me a favor?  If I’m still here when you’re done, could you let me know if that all-inclusive grill set is still for sale?

Friend 2: (While Friend 1 continuously drops items from an overflowing pile) Sure – want us to ask them to hold it for you?

Guy: Nah, that just looks desperate.

Friend 1: (Throws entire pile of clothes at the reshelves rack, knocking it over; grabs Friend 2’s hand on the way out) Thanks a bunch – stay strong – we’ll write – byeeeeee!!

(In The Basement, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand in the center of the floor with their eyes, mouths, and arms wide open)

Friend 2: There’s so much stuff –

Friend 1: And the quality’s not bad –

Friend 2: And not all the styles are atrocious –

Friend 1: And everything’s so darn cheap –

Friend 1 and Friend 2: SQUEEEEEE!!!

Basement Sales Associate: Hush, please: this is a sacred space.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Whisper) SQUEEEEEE!!!

Basement Sales Associate: (Smiles indulgently) It’s all right – off you go.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 each grab a shopping cart and tear though the department picking up clothes, vacuum cleaners, table settings, snow shovels, air hockey tables, and everything else.  They wheel their overloaded carts to the cash registers and nearly topple them over as they snatch the impulse buys that are sitting alongside the register line, asking to be purchased)

Basement Cashier: (After taking 20 minutes to ring up every last item in Friend 1’s cart) That’ll be $14.10.

Friend 1: (Faints)

(Exiting from the elevator back onto the first floor, Friend 1 and Friend 2 slowly push their laden-down carts through the aisles of the store)

Friend 1: You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that out of all of these things, I really only needed one.

Friend 2: Oh yeah, most of mine are gifts so I don’t have to come back here at all during the holiday season.

Friend 1: Smart.

(As they pass the fitting room area they see Guy still seated in the comfy chair – he is surrounded by piles of bags and clothes, with only his head peeking out the top.  He spots the two and raises his eyebrows in inquiry)

Friend 2: Oh, oops – (Cups side of mouth to shout) Sorry dude!  Forgot to check for the grill!

Guy: Understandable!  (Sinks under the piles)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 start pushing their carts again; they only advance a few feet before both carts collapse under the weight)

Friend 1: So… I guess we have to live here then?

Friend 2: That may have been the store’s diabolical plan all along.

Story 250: Irritation Conquers Fear

            “So, uh, as you’ll see in this next slide, um, just a second, there – uh, yes, um, you can see our sales went down a bit last month, but, uh, they’ve [gulp] been, uh, trending upward, and – yes?”

            “What accounted for the dip in July?”

            “Uh... that was when Store 220 was, um, closed.  Temporarily.”

            “Sorry, what?  I couldn’t hear you.”

            “I said, uh, Store 220 was closed.  Temp – ”

            “Store 220 closed?!”

            “N-no, it was just temp-temp-”

            “Oh right, the whole rat infestation thing, never mind.  What were you going to say?”

            “Uh….”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it – I’ve been giving these presentations every quarter for the past five years and every time I get up there my throat closes up, the sweat pours out, and my mind shuts down!  And when they know you’re nervous, they pounce all over you!”

            “That stinks – I’d’ve figured you’d gotten used to doing those things by now.”

            “Yes, thank you for reminding me.  Five years, and I still have no idea how I can face the next one.  Or the next, or the next, until I’m either dead or fired.”

            “Wanna try hypnotism?”

            “Eh, I don’t know, I – yes.  Yes, I’ll try anything.  I don’t care if it’s baloney; if I believe it’s real, it’s real.  You think it’ll relax me?”

            “Nah, you don’t want to be relaxed, that’ll put you off your game.  You want to be annoyed.”

            “What?  Why would I want that?  I just want to conquer my fear of public speaking, like all the greats.”

            “Exactly.  And the only thing stronger than fear is anger.”

            “I thought it was love?”

            “I’m not talking about a world peace scenario; I’m talking about irritation being the only thing that triumphs over the jitters, short of not having them in the first place.  I’m talking about having self-confidence without looking like you had to work for it.  Sprezzatura – the art of appearing artless.  Only in your case, it’ll be for real because you’ll have been brainwashed into it.”

            “So how does me being irritated keep me from passing out up there?”

            “Because then you’re not worrying about putting on a good show and hoping to impress your betters; you’re focusing on getting the whole thing over with `cause you have better things to do with your time than explain things to simpletons.  The fear will have no hold over you, you’ll be free, and your bosses’ll love your new leadership attitude.”

            “I don’t know; it sounds like replacing one negative with another.”

          “You want to keep dying on stage for the rest of your life, or do you want to defeat your demons and possibly become CEO one day?”

            “Give me the quack’s phone number.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “This next slide – not working again, would someone call I.T.? – anyway, it was a graph of budgeted vs. actual returns, and we’re exceeding the former by over 20% in all domains.  OK it’s back; now, on this slide you can see – ”

            “Wait a minute, why does this show us not reaching our targets?”

          “[Sigh] Because this is showing our numbers from 2017.  I was about to say that, in comparison with last year, we’ve improved net sales by 43% year-to-date.  Now, I’d love to stay and answer any questions you may have, but I’ve got another meeting coming up so please send me an e-mail instead.”

            “I just have one – ”

            “Thank you!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “It was amazing!  I flew through the slides and flew on out of there – I think I was done in record time!  Plus, whenever something interrupted me, I wrestled it into submission without once having the urge to dissolve into a pile of quivering goo!  And on top of all that, my boss offered me a promotion today to Assistant Manager, and he’s barely said two words to me since I was hired!  I’ve finally made it to the big time!”

            “That’s great.  What’s with the stress ball?”

            “Oh, it’s just that lately every single thing is getting on my last nerve.  Everything moves too slowly, or there’re mistakes everywhere, or it’s all a waste of time, or it’s losing the company tons of money, or – ooh, I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it!”

            “I see.  Wanna try hypnotism?”