(At
a department store’s returns counter)
Customer
1: Hi, I would like to return this toaster oven – I bought it yesterday but I really
don’t need it; it’s never been used; here’s the receipt.
Cashier:
Beautiful. (Processes the return) And
here’s your refund; have a nice day!
Customer
1: Wow, that was the fastest return I’ve ever had in my entire life. I don’t know how to feel right now.
Cashier:
Feel it over there, please – next!
Customer
2: Yeah, my girlfriend made me bring this paint back because it’s the wrong hue
or whatever, but it’s been opened and we painted half the room before she
figured that out –
Cashier:
Not a problem! Here’s some store credit.
Customer
2: Really? So we had that big fight over
nothing?
Cashier:
Sorry to hear that – next!
Customer
3: I bought this vacuum cleaner over a year ago, used it a whole bunch of times,
and now it doesn’t work so I want a new one.
Cashier:
Here you go! (Hands over a new vacuum cleaner) Next!
Customer
4: Hi, I’d like to return this dress.
Cashier:
Has it been worn?
Customer
4: Yes. Quite often, in fact.
Cashier:
Do you have the receipt?
Customer
4: No, but I made sure to leave the tags on.
Cashier:
Well then, here’s your store credit – next!
Customer
4: But I want a refund.
Cashier:
Then here you go! Next!
Customer
5: (Grabs a pack of gum from the display and plops it onto the counter) Yeah, I’d
like to return this for cash.
Cashier:
Sure thing!
Manager:
(Arrives behind Cashier) Hold it! Folks,
it’ll be a few minutes while one of our associates takes over here.
(Collective
groan from the customers)
Customer
12: (Halfway down the line) Will they take back my grandmother’s teapot?
Manager:
Probably not. (To Cashier) Walk with me.
Cashier:
Okey-dokey.
(They
aimlessly stroll around the store)
Manager: I think you may need a refresher
course on processing returns.
Cashier: But I have been
processing them! All of them!
Manager: Exactly! Not every item people bring in here is
eligible for a return! And that last one
was clearly attempted theft!
Cashier: But I was told to take
everything back and never question the customers, lest they transform into
hideous monsters who destroy your soul!
Manager: That’s true, but everything
has a limit. You can’t take back items
that were never even in the company’s inventory, for one thing – that’s just
people offloading their junk.
Cashier: So how I do keep the
hideous transformation from happening?
Manager: Either shame them into
submission by showing how damaged/old/not-even-purchased-here the item is, or make
them feel sorry for you by handing them the return policy while weeping about how
underpaid you are. It works because it’s
true.
Cashier: I guess I can try. I just don’t like having to
play police on scam artists, and I feel like I failed if I can’t convince
people they can’t pull a fast one.
Manager: Don’t – the failure
isn’t yours.
Customer 20: Excuse me?
Manager: Yes?
Customer 20: Can I return this here?
(Holds up a ship’s helm)
Manager: That clearly is not one of
our products.
Customer 20: Figured it couldn’t hurt
to ask.
