(In
a mall department store fitting room area)
Friend
1: (Emerging from one of the rooms in an ill-fitting frock, arms spread out
wide to display the disaster; approaches Friend 2 who is seated in a comfy
chair in the waiting area) Well????
Friend
2: (Grimaces) Yeah, not any better than the others. I actually think it’s a bit worse.
Friend
1: Gaahh! What good is a store-specific
gift card if nothing in said store fits right?!
And the stuff that does fit is priced for rich people who never shop
here! (Removes dress, revealing regular
clothes underneath, and flings it onto the floor in emphasis) And the rest is made for super-tall people
who also never shop here!
Guy:
(Has been seated in a comfy chair near Friend 2 the entire time and has not
looked up from playing on his phone) Heh-heh-heh, no one ever goes to The
Basement.
Friend
1: (Pauses in disgust at interrupted tirade) Why would they? Basements are creepy, and so was that laugh.
Guy:
(Finally looks up) Not a basement, The Basement. (Friend 1 blinks blankly) The one here, on
the lower level of the store. (Blank
blinking) It’s been there for about two years.
(Blank blinking) Seriously, you’ve never heard of it?!
Friend
1: I think you’re making it up.
Guy:
There’re signs for it everywhere; look – (Points to a wall) there’s even one
right next to your heard!
Friend
1: (Turns to stare at a sign that reads “CHECK OUT EVEN MORE SAVINGS IN THE
BASEMENT! LOCATED IN THE LOWER LEVEL –
USE THE ESCALATORS AND ELEVATORS IN ACCESSORIES”) Hmmmm….
Guy:
And there’s been at least 10 overhead announcements about it in the past hour.
Friend
1: I’ve yet to hear one.
Guy:
There’s one literally going on right now!
(Friend
1 tilts head)
Overhead
Announcement: …Basement, located in the lower level, for even more
savings!
Friend
1: Hmmmm….
Guy:
Marketing truly is a thankless job.
Friend
2: I actually have noticed all that stuff –
Friend
1: (Whirls on Friend 2) WHAT?!
Friend
2: – but I figured there’d just be damage bins or racks of hideous rejects; you
know, all the junk no one wants.
Guy:
(Leans back in reverie) Ah, that’s what everyone thinks, right up until the
moment they go downstairs and experience the magic and wonder for themselves.
Friend
1: What, knock-off brands?
Guy:
Hardly. Think of it as a few steps above
a dollar store: you’ll come out of there with bags and bags of pretty decent
merch for literally a quarter of what you would’ve paid when
they were up here. Last year, I was able
to replace my entire moth-eaten winter wardrobe in one trip to a single rack.
Friend 1:
(Disbelievingly) No!
Guy: (Nods) A
friend of mine once bought a bedroom set for 20 bucks because the style was out
of season.
Friend 2:
Whaaaaaaaaaaat????
Guy: And the
pajamas are to die for.
The place is an oasis: it’s so beautiful, I could cry.
Friend 1: So
what’s the catch – is there a cover charge?
Guy: No.
Friend 1: Secret
password?
Guy: No, you
just go downstairs.
Friend 1: But
there must be booby traps or a maze to navigate or a riddle to solve, yes?
Guy: No, it’s
just really really really cheap stuff!... That they want to get rid of
and this is the best way to do it.
Friend 1: So if
it’s such a paradise, what’re you doing up on this level at all, ever?
Guy: (Jerks head
towards the fitting rooms) Serving out my sentence.
Friend 1: Oh,
sorry.
Guy: Don’t be;
it’s deserved. (Returns to the phone)
(Friend 1 and
Friend 2 stare at each other for a moment before Friend 1 gathers the dress
from the floor and runs back to the fitting room to grab the other clothes left
in there, and Friend 2 collects their bags)
Friend 2: (To
Guy) Thanks for the advice – we’ll be heading there now.
Guy: (Looks up
again) Ooh, could you do me a favor? If
I’m still here when you’re done, could you let me know if that all-inclusive
grill set is still for sale?
Friend 2: (While
Friend 1 continuously drops items from an overflowing pile) Sure – want us to
ask them to hold it for you?
Guy: Nah, that
just looks desperate.
Friend 1:
(Throws entire pile of clothes at the reshelves rack, knocking it over; grabs
Friend 2’s hand on the way out) Thanks a bunch – stay strong – we’ll write –
byeeeeee!!
(In The
Basement, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand in the center of the floor with their
eyes, mouths, and arms wide open)
Friend 2:
There’s so much stuff –
Friend 1: And
the quality’s not bad –
Friend 2: And
not all the styles are atrocious –
Friend 1: And
everything’s so darn cheap –
Friend 1 and
Friend 2: SQUEEEEEE!!!
Basement Sales
Associate: Hush, please: this is a sacred space.
Friend 1 and
Friend 2: (Whisper) SQUEEEEEE!!!
Basement Sales
Associate: (Smiles indulgently) It’s all right – off you go.
(Friend 1 and
Friend 2 each grab a shopping cart and tear though the department picking up
clothes, vacuum cleaners, table settings, snow shovels, air hockey tables, and
everything else. They wheel their
overloaded carts to the cash registers and nearly topple them over as they
snatch the impulse buys that are sitting alongside the register line, asking to
be purchased)
Basement
Cashier: (After taking 20 minutes to ring up every last item in Friend 1’s
cart) That’ll be $14.10.
Friend 1:
(Faints)
(Exiting from
the elevator back onto the first floor, Friend 1 and Friend 2 slowly push their
laden-down carts through the aisles of the store)
Friend 1: You
know, I have a sneaking suspicion that out of all of these things, I really
only needed one.
Friend 2: Oh
yeah, most of mine are gifts so I don’t have to come back here at all during
the holiday season.
Friend 1: Smart.
(As they pass
the fitting room area they see Guy still seated in the comfy chair – he is
surrounded by piles of bags and clothes, with only his head peeking out the
top. He spots the two and raises his
eyebrows in inquiry)
Friend 2: Oh,
oops – (Cups side of mouth to shout) Sorry dude! Forgot to check for the grill!
Guy:
Understandable! (Sinks under the piles)
(Friend 1 and
Friend 2 start pushing their carts again; they only advance a few feet before
both carts collapse under the weight)
Friend 1: So… I
guess we have to live here then?
Friend 2: That
may have been the store’s diabolical plan all along.
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