(In a suburban house, Mom is on the phone while grabbing laundry from the dryer, kicking toys on the floor out of the way, wiping down random surfaces, etc. She stops suddenly after rounding a corner to the living room and seeing the couch that was against a side wall now in the center with armchairs piled onto it, topped by the television set)
Mom: (Still on the phone, letting the laundry basket fall to the floor) You know, I’ve just about had it with them rearranging the furniture all the time. The midnight screaming is one thing – my youngest had colic for six months so, really, please – but this! (Gestures to the pile, then props the phone against one ear while hauling furniture back to their original positions) No, they think it’s funny to play Tower of Babel so then I have to clean up after them. I already have three children, thank you! (Uses a foot to kick the couch back against the wall) Unbelievable; I caught them the other night starting to drip what looked like blood but I suspect was syrup down the bathroom walls – which I had just deep-cleaned literally that same day, mind you – so you can bet I put a quick stop to that.... Sprayed the room with bleach until they knocked it off, what else? (A low moaning builds up from deep inside the fireplace; Mom watches as gusts of air start shifting the logs inside) Hold on a minute – they’re up to some new garbage now. (A sudden BANG! bursts open the flue, sending all sorts of debris flying out onto the living room floor as a disembodied presence swoops out of the fireplace and into Mom’s face)
Ghost: WOOOOOOOOO – !
Mom: (Lowers the phone to address Ghost) Well, that’s just great – would you look at all the dirt and insect bodies you strewed all over the place?! Lucky for you I don’t even bother cleaning this floor more than once a year, else I’d really let you have it!
Ghost: WOOOOOO – huh?
Mom: (Walks through Ghost to lean into the fireplace and feel around inside) Oh, perfect, perfect! (Comes out again, holding a handle) As if everything else wasn’t enough, now the flue is broken! And the chimney cleaners were just here last week! So fixing this is another expense we don’t need and time I don’t have to wait around for them to come back, and meanwhile all sorts of wildlife riffraff are gonna make their way in here unless I figure out how to block off everything because the flue is broken! (Throws the handle through Ghost, who disappears) Yeah, that’s right, make a mess and evaporate! (Raises the phone back up again) Sorry about that – got another headache added to my growing list. I’ll let you go, then – what? Oh yeah, I’ll see you there tomorrow morning around 10; sewer bills are paid at the Utility Department window, right?... I know there’s a late fee this time!
(At a soccer field, a dozen kids pile into Mom’s car; Mom then floors it to the speed limit)
Mom: (Shouting over the excited din of juvenile chatter) No dilly-dallying tonight, children: as soon as I pull up to your house, get yourself right on out of here because I’ve got a long night of cleaning ahead.
Carpool Child 1: You guys still have the ghosts hanging around trashing the place?
Child 1: Yes! And it’s soooooo embarrassing!
Mom: “Embarrassing” is not the word for this situation.
Carpool Child 2: I think it sounds so cool – I wish our house was haunted like yours.
Mom: You’re welcome to mop up the muddy footprints and remake the beds 10 times a day and sweep up every broken thing on top of the mess this crew – (Thumbs back to Child 1 and Child 2 in the rear seats) already make on a daily basis!
Child 2: Hey! But you love us!
Mom: Not when you leave tissues in your pockets for the laundry, I don’t!
Carpool Child 2: Yeah, never mind, I think I’ll pass on all that.
Mom: Wise move.
(At the kitchen table, Mom, Dad, and Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 try to eat dinner as plates and glasses constantly shift through the air and banging noises in both the basement and the attic occasionally drown them out)
Mom: Now, I don’t want anyone to try using this as an excuse to skip your vegetables: I got wise to that the second time you pulled it and now I’m keeping inventory of everyone’s plates.
Child 1-3: Argggghhhhh…..
Dad: (Snatching a piece of chicken from a passing plate while reading from a large book propped open on a stand perched on the table) Hey everyone, I think from what this thing’s saying we’ve got at least seven poltergeists and other spirits in our home, but it could possibly be as many as 10 or even 1,000.
Mom: Sounds about right. (Snaps a celery stick in half and starts chomping on it)
Child 3: (To Dad) If one of them dumps me out of bed again tonight, can I call out sick from school and play video games to recover?
Dad: If you’re recovered enough to play video games, you’re going to school.
Child 3: Worth a shot.
Mom: (To Dad) I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow paying bills and uprooting the dead tree, so I just know that these… (Briefly glances around at the children) nuisances will probably take the opportunity to bring the house down – are you sure this didn’t stem from that summoning chant you did at the office party? Because if it did, you’ll be the first one I’m throwing to them when we’re temporarily homeless.
Dad: (Chuckles) No, I’m pretty certain the party just brought along that one little guy, and he was fine with my lock of hair for his bald head and went on his merry way. So, the current crew’s presence appears to be… (Scans several pages of the book) unrelated.
(Mom glares at the children)
Child 1-3: Wasn’t us!
Mom: Just checking. (The house trembles with a loud crash) What nowwwwwww!!! (Everyone jumps up from the table and runs to the living room to see furniture being piled up into a tower again; Ghost giggles while hoisting the television set to the top) HEY! (Mom points at Ghost, who freezes) You put that back where you found it right now! (Ghost sheepishly sets the television back onto the entertainment center) And the rest! (Ghost, grumbling, starts putting the rest of the furniture back in their places as the family returns to the kitchen table; they resume eating and drinking from the flying plates and glasses as the banging continues upstairs and downstairs)
Dad: (Had started reading the book again) It looks like there’re a few passages I can recite to kick them all out of here at once, buuuuuut we have to wait until the next full moon in…. (Check cell phone) three weeks.
Mom: Three weeks?! The house’ll be destroyed by then!
Child 1-3: Waaaahhhh!!!
Mom: Never mind, never mind – (Takes a deep breath) you and I will take shifts every night for the next three weeks and constantly run interference, that’s all.
Dad: We probably don’t have to go that far; maybe we can get up a little earlier and hope for the best –
Mom: The mortgage is still being paid off.
Dad: I’ll take first watch.
Mom: (Throws a fork at the floating napkin holder, pinning it to the floor) Not for nothing, I wish they’d targeted someone with nothing to do and haunt them instead – I mean really, who has time for this rubbish?!
