(In
a car, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)
Friend
2: So with the bee sting and now these hives breaking out all over my skin and advancing
up my scalp and lately I’ve been having trouble breathing and swallowing, I don’t
know, you think I should go see a doctor?
Friend
1: (Focusing on turning into a parking lot) Nah, it’ll probably blow over. (Immediately after the turn, they hear a
clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk sound) Aw, fiddlesticks and
tomfoolery! (Pulls into a parking spot
and both get out of the car)
Friend
2: (Constantly scratching arms and head while following Friend 1 to the right
rear tire) What is it?
Friend
1: (Works at the tire for a bit, then yanks out a nail) Aha! Got ya, you fiend!
Friend
2: Oh no, is the tire gonna go flat?
Friend
1: (Kicks it a few times) Hard to tell: seems all right, but give it 12 hours
and it could bleed out completely. I’m
certainly not wasting the time nor the money calling roadside assistance for it
now, so this can be Future Me’s problem tomorrow or next week or whenever. C’mon, let’s get some ice cream before they
close.
Friend
2: (As they walk to the store) Are you sure?
Maybe bring it to the mechanic on Saturday, just to be safe.
Friend
1: Sure-sure-sure, first thing.
TWO MONTHS LATER
(At
a car dealership)
Friend
1: (Approaches the service counter) Hey, how’s it been since I was here in the
summer?
Service
Rep: Oh hi, same as it was last time: miserable.
Friend
1: Heh-heh, that’s great. Listen: I have
an appointment for an oil change and all that, and I have this here coupon I
want to use before it expires tomorrow.
Service
Rep: (Takes the coupon) All right, let me set this up for you. (Starts typing an invoice)
Friend
1: Splendid. Hey, you guys still have
the bouncy castle and video arcade in the waiting area?
Service
Rep: Well, we had to get rid of the bouncy castle `cause of all the lawsuits,
but we installed a hot tub next to the showroom if you’re interested.
Friend
1: Sweet. Ooh, almost forgot: could you
have them also check the tires while they’re at it? There may or may not be a slow leak in at
least one of them, although they’ve been consistently passing the kick test
with flying colors.
Service
Rep: Have you been checking the pressure with a gauge?
Friend
1: The what with a what now?
Service
Rep: Never mind, we’ll check that, too – I’ll let you know when everything’s
done.
Friend
1: Thanks, you’re a doll! (Heads to the
waiting area)
Service
Rep: (Glances at body-builder self in a nearby mirror) Never been called “doll”
before….
ONE HOUR LATER
(Service
Rep approaches Friend 1 at a pinball machine)
Friend
1: Die, scum! Oh, lost another one.
Service
Rep: Can I speak with you for a minute?
Friend
1: (Sips soft drink) Sure, I’m moving on to the racecar one anyway. What’s up?
Service
Rep: Well, when they were doing the oil change they saw a few other things that…
need attention.
Friend
1: Yeah, the tires, I know.
Service
Rep: Actually, not the tires.
Friend
1: Whaddya mean “not the tires,” one of them got stabbed!
Service
Rep: They’re pretty sturdy, so they’re all fine for now.
Friend
1: Oh. I was so geared up to change
them, I’m actually kind of let down now.
So what’s wrong?
Service
Rep: Well, the car’s due for a transmission flush –
Friend
1: Pshaw, “due.” It’s due when I’m good
and ready.
Service
Rep: – and the fuel injection and throttle have never been cleaned, so they
really should be now.
Friend
1: Are they actually dirty?
Service
Rep: We won’t know until we go in and look.
Friend
1: Then what we don’t know can’t hurt us – next!
Service
Rep: And the rear brake pads are going to need replacing soon.
Friend
1: (Slurps the rest of the drink and tosses it into the garbage) Just replaced
the brake pads.
Service
Rep: Those were for the front.
Friend
1: Well, “soon” is not “now,” so, pass!
Service
Rep: I really do recommend you at least have the fuel injection and throttle
done, considering the car’s age.
Friend
1: Fine-fine-fine, you guys always manage to find something extra to tack on
the bill, just do it and be gone! (Hops
onto the seat for the racecar game and begins driving)
ONE HOUR LATER
Service
Rep: (Approaches Friend 1 in the hot tub) Can I speak with you for a minute?
Friend
1: (Head leaned back and eyes closed) No.
Service
Rep: Oh.
Friend
1: (Opens eyes and leaps out of the tub, fully clothed; wraps a giant towel
around dripping self) All right, what other nonsense do you want to contribute
to my growing credit card debt?
Service
Rep: Please follow me – I’ll have the tech show you.
Friend
1: Oh boy, sounds serious! (Follows
Service Rep to the bay, still wrapped in the towel; the Tech is waiting by the
car, whose hood is raised) Ohhh, my baby, what have they done to you? (To Tech) So what is it now, a broken
hose? A pulverized engine assembly? No battery?
Tech:
Actually, when I started working on the fuel injection, I found this. (Points to a giant rat’s nest embedded in the
middle of the engine)
Lead
Rat: Yo.
Friend
1: Fancy that.
Tech:
We can remove it, but they’ve chewed through a bit.
Friend
1: Fancy that.
Tech:
Honestly, I can’t believe this car could even still be running.
Friend
1: Fancy that.
Tech:
So, do you want me to go ahead and remove it?
Friend
1: And add to your Labor charge?
Never! (Picks up the nest in its
entirety and tosses it over the fence to the nearby woods)
Rats:
Whee!
Friend
1: (Briskly brushes hands against each other) I’m not worried about them – they’re
a hardy bunch. Now, what’s the actual
damage?
Tech:
Umm… these wires. (Holds up a few)
Friend
1: Not so bad – I’d say less than $100 to replace, wouldn’t you?
Service
Rep: About that. Plus or minus.
Friend
1: More like minus. I’ll be at the
massage chair if you need me.
ONE HOUR LATER
Friend
1: (On the phone, still in the massage chair) They actually gave you roids?
Friend
2: (Voice) They had to – the hives migrated to my face and meals were becoming
extremely difficult.
Friend
1: All right, well, don’t start raging out on me.
Friend
2: They’re not those kinds of steroids.
So how’s the car doing?
Friend
1: Oh you know, they always find something unnecessary to fix to jack up the
bill. Makes me almost wish I didn’t have
a car.
Friend
2: Well, you’re extremely fortunate to have one. We don’t have public transportation out here
and everything is miles away so how would you get anything done?
Friend
1: I said “almost!”
Service
Rep: (Approaches from behind the chair) Can I speak with you for a minute?
Friend
1: What?! (To Friend 2) Gotta go – the bill’s
here.
Friend
2: I’ll let you know if I still can’t breathe tomorrow. (Disconnects)
Friend
1: (Pockets phone) Yes, can I help you?
Service
Rep: Well, when they were fixing the wires they found –
Friend
1: (Leaps out of the vibrating chair) I don’t care what else they found, do you
hear me?! The car was running just fine
until you people got your mitts on it!
Service
Rep: But these things have been there this whole time and your car could break
down at any moment.
Friend
1: Don’t care, I say again! Now take my
credit card for whatever’s been done up until now and get out! (Flings card through the narrow slot at the
cashier’s window and settles back onto the massage chair)
Service
Rep: (Leaves the bill at the cashier’s desk and runs past the chair)
The-total-is-$1,232.67-thank-you-have-a-nice-daaaaaayyyyy!!!
Friend
1: (In the vibrating chair, with eyes closed) What travails we owners of
horseless carriages must endure. When
are they going to hurry up and invent transporter beams already?
