Story 311: Car Repair Scope Creep

            (In a car, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

         Friend 2: So with the bee sting and now these hives breaking out all over my skin and advancing up my scalp and lately I’ve been having trouble breathing and swallowing, I don’t know, you think I should go see a doctor?

         Friend 1: (Focusing on turning into a parking lot) Nah, it’ll probably blow over.  (Immediately after the turn, they hear a clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk sound) Aw, fiddlesticks and tomfoolery!  (Pulls into a parking spot and both get out of the car)

            Friend 2: (Constantly scratching arms and head while following Friend 1 to the right rear tire) What is it?

            Friend 1: (Works at the tire for a bit, then yanks out a nail) Aha!  Got ya, you fiend!

            Friend 2: Oh no, is the tire gonna go flat?

           Friend 1: (Kicks it a few times) Hard to tell: seems all right, but give it 12 hours and it could bleed out completely.  I’m certainly not wasting the time nor the money calling roadside assistance for it now, so this can be Future Me’s problem tomorrow or next week or whenever.  C’mon, let’s get some ice cream before they close.

         Friend 2: (As they walk to the store) Are you sure?  Maybe bring it to the mechanic on Saturday, just to be safe.

            Friend 1: Sure-sure-sure, first thing.

TWO MONTHS LATER

            (At a car dealership)

           Friend 1: (Approaches the service counter) Hey, how’s it been since I was here in the summer?

            Service Rep: Oh hi, same as it was last time: miserable.

            Friend 1: Heh-heh, that’s great.  Listen: I have an appointment for an oil change and all that, and I have this here coupon I want to use before it expires tomorrow.

           Service Rep: (Takes the coupon) All right, let me set this up for you.  (Starts typing an invoice)

            Friend 1: Splendid.  Hey, you guys still have the bouncy castle and video arcade in the waiting area?

           Service Rep: Well, we had to get rid of the bouncy castle `cause of all the lawsuits, but we installed a hot tub next to the showroom if you’re interested.

            Friend 1: Sweet.  Ooh, almost forgot: could you have them also check the tires while they’re at it?  There may or may not be a slow leak in at least one of them, although they’ve been consistently passing the kick test with flying colors.

            Service Rep: Have you been checking the pressure with a gauge?

            Friend 1: The what with a what now?

            Service Rep: Never mind, we’ll check that, too – I’ll let you know when everything’s done.

            Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a doll!  (Heads to the waiting area)

        Service Rep: (Glances at body-builder self in a nearby mirror) Never been called “doll” before….

ONE HOUR LATER

            (Service Rep approaches Friend 1 at a pinball machine)

            Friend 1: Die, scum!  Oh, lost another one.

            Service Rep: Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: (Sips soft drink) Sure, I’m moving on to the racecar one anyway.  What’s up?

          Service Rep: Well, when they were doing the oil change they saw a few other things that… need attention.

            Friend 1: Yeah, the tires, I know.

            Service Rep: Actually, not the tires.

            Friend 1: Whaddya mean “not the tires,” one of them got stabbed!

            Service Rep: They’re pretty sturdy, so they’re all fine for now.

          Friend 1: Oh.  I was so geared up to change them, I’m actually kind of let down now.  So what’s wrong?

            Service Rep: Well, the car’s due for a transmission flush –

            Friend 1: Pshaw, “due.”  It’s due when I’m good and ready.

          Service Rep: – and the fuel injection and throttle have never been cleaned, so they really should be now.

            Friend 1: Are they actually dirty?

            Service Rep: We won’t know until we go in and look.

            Friend 1: Then what we don’t know can’t hurt us – next!

            Service Rep: And the rear brake pads are going to need replacing soon.

          Friend 1: (Slurps the rest of the drink and tosses it into the garbage) Just replaced the brake pads.

            Service Rep: Those were for the front.

            Friend 1: Well, “soon” is not “now,” so, pass!

         Service Rep: I really do recommend you at least have the fuel injection and throttle done, considering the car’s age.

           Friend 1: Fine-fine-fine, you guys always manage to find something extra to tack on the bill, just do it and be gone!  (Hops onto the seat for the racecar game and begins driving)

ONE HOUR LATER

            Service Rep: (Approaches Friend 1 in the hot tub) Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: (Head leaned back and eyes closed) No.

            Service Rep: Oh.

         Friend 1: (Opens eyes and leaps out of the tub, fully clothed; wraps a giant towel around dripping self) All right, what other nonsense do you want to contribute to my growing credit card debt?

            Service Rep: Please follow me – I’ll have the tech show you.

            Friend 1: Oh boy, sounds serious!  (Follows Service Rep to the bay, still wrapped in the towel; the Tech is waiting by the car, whose hood is raised) Ohhh, my baby, what have they done to you?  (To Tech) So what is it now, a broken hose?  A pulverized engine assembly?  No battery?

          Tech: Actually, when I started working on the fuel injection, I found this.  (Points to a giant rat’s nest embedded in the middle of the engine)

            Lead Rat: Yo.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: We can remove it, but they’ve chewed through a bit.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: Honestly, I can’t believe this car could even still be running.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: So, do you want me to go ahead and remove it?

            Friend 1: And add to your Labor charge?  Never!  (Picks up the nest in its entirety and tosses it over the fence to the nearby woods)

            Rats: Whee!

           Friend 1: (Briskly brushes hands against each other) I’m not worried about them – they’re a hardy bunch.  Now, what’s the actual damage?

            Tech: Umm… these wires.  (Holds up a few)

            Friend 1: Not so bad – I’d say less than $100 to replace, wouldn’t you?

            Service Rep: About that.  Plus or minus.

            Friend 1: More like minus.  I’ll be at the massage chair if you need me.

ONE HOUR LATER

            Friend 1: (On the phone, still in the massage chair) They actually gave you roids?

         Friend 2: (Voice) They had to – the hives migrated to my face and meals were becoming extremely difficult.

            Friend 1: All right, well, don’t start raging out on me.

            Friend 2: They’re not those kinds of steroids.  So how’s the car doing?

          Friend 1: Oh you know, they always find something unnecessary to fix to jack up the bill.  Makes me almost wish I didn’t have a car.

        Friend 2: Well, you’re extremely fortunate to have one.  We don’t have public transportation out here and everything is miles away so how would you get anything done?

            Friend 1: I said “almost!”

            Service Rep: (Approaches from behind the chair) Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: What?!  (To Friend 2) Gotta go – the bill’s here.

            Friend 2: I’ll let you know if I still can’t breathe tomorrow.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Pockets phone) Yes, can I help you?

            Service Rep: Well, when they were fixing the wires they found –

           Friend 1: (Leaps out of the vibrating chair) I don’t care what else they found, do you hear me?!  The car was running just fine until you people got your mitts on it!

          Service Rep: But these things have been there this whole time and your car could break down at any moment.

            Friend 1: Don’t care, I say again!  Now take my credit card for whatever’s been done up until now and get out!  (Flings card through the narrow slot at the cashier’s window and settles back onto the massage chair)

       Service Rep: (Leaves the bill at the cashier’s desk and runs past the chair) The-total-is-$1,232.67-thank-you-have-a-nice-daaaaaayyyyy!!!

         Friend 1: (In the vibrating chair, with eyes closed) What travails we owners of horseless carriages must endure.  When are they going to hurry up and invent transporter beams already?

Story 310: Why Is No One Here As Stressed Out As I Am?!

            (In an office)

           Coworker 1: (Reading an e-mail) Oh no… oh no-no-no-no-no – this can’t be happening – what are we going to do – this can’t be happening – (Stands on top of the desk to address the sea of cubicles using a megaphone) Attention everyone, stop what you’re doing, we have a Code Red situation happening right now!  (Almost everyone casually looks up at Coworker 1; the rest continue with whatever it was they were doing) We all just got an e-mail that Corporate is coming, and we are nowhere near meeting regulatory requirements to pass any kind of inspection!  Nowhere!  Near!  Meeting!

            Coworker 2: (At a nearby cubicle) Oh, that e-mail?  They probably won’t even come to this department.

            Coworker 1: (Aims megaphone at Coworker 2) What kind of attitude is that to bring to the workplace?!  (Directs megaphone back to the rest of the office) All right, employees!  We need a complete inventory and thorough policy review done, ASAP and stat!

            Coworker 3: (Standing up and walking away) I’m going for a coffee break – anyone wanna join? (Ten others stand up and they all head for the break room)

            Coworker 1: (Directing the megaphone at their backs and then in a sweeping 360° to address the whole room) Does no one here comprehend the seriousness of the situation?!  Corporate, people, Cor-por-ate!  Our work parents!  Have any of you even thought within the past two years to dust your workstations and disinfect every surface you touch, hm?  Or inspect the fire alarms and the fire extinguishers?  How many of you keep food tucked away in the file cabinet drawers – forget that, are your files even filed properly?!

            Coworker 4: We have file cabinets?  I just keep everything on the server.

            Coworker 1: And what is your back-up if the server crashes, I ask you?!

            Coworker 4: Umm… the back-up server?

          Coworker 1: And if that also crashes?  Or gets hacked?  Or there’s a power surge and gigabytes of data are just gone, all gone?!

          Coworker 4: Umm…. Then I think the company’d have bigger problems by then and we’d probably all be out of a job so what’s the point?

            Coworker 1: Apathy!  Sloth!  That’s what leads to chaos and ruin and empires falling!

         Coworker 5: (Stands at desk) Hey everybody, it’s time for the downstairs receptionist’s retirement party!

             Coworker 6: Yay, cake!  (Another 20 people leave)

            Coworker 1: (Directing the megaphone at their backs) Wait a minute, you can’t leave now, we haven’t even gotten our emergency procedure manual in order yet, it hasn’t been updated in years!  And that cake better not have been sitting out for more than five minutes or else that’s a violation of Section 33.A.17 of the Infection Control Policy!

          Manager: (Wearing shorts and a T-shirt, zooms over to Coworker 1’s cubicle in a scooter) Hey, get down from there.

           Coworker 1: Sorry.  (Finally turns off the megaphone and jumps down to the floor) Don’t you worry about the Corporate visit today: I’m all over it.

           Manager: Yeah, about that – (Sips from a frozen drink) that e-mail was more of an FYI to everybody just so you’re aware they’re coming today; we’ve already gone through everything to make sure policies are updated and all that.

             Coworker 1: Oh.  But what about the lackadaisical behavior I’m seeing all around me?

            Manager: The managers’ll handle Corporate when they get here, and everyone else knows to be on their best behavior.  They’ll get here around 2:00, so maybe take the rest of the day off – there won’t be any work for you to do then, and it won’t affect your internship if you do a half day today.

          Coworker 1: But how will I ever learn anything if I’m not immersed in all aspects of the business milieu?

             Manager: (While zooming away) You’ll learn soon enough.

Story 309: Horse Actors on Break

            (In a stable: the bar is a trough)

            Horse 1: (Trots over to the Bartender) Hey, what’s on tap today?

            Bartender: The usual water.

            Horse 1: What about grub?

            Bartender: Well, we’ve got oats… and that’s about it.

            Horse 1: I’ll have some of those, please.

           Bartender: (Uses hoof to depress a tap, releasing oats down a chute into a bucket) So, how was it out in the field today?

            Horse 1: (While devouring oats) Slurp – snort – neigh – don’t get me started!

            Bartender: All right.

            Horse 1: (Swallows first course) OK, it went like this –

            Bartender: Oh, so you are getting started, then?

         Horse 1: They’re filming some sort of retro piece of what they think happened way-back-whenever, where we have to wear these old saddles and they use spurs to make us start moving –

            Bartender: (Shudders) Spurs.

         Horse 1: Yeah, I mean, you guys already have me choking on a piece of skin from my neighbors and you’re yanking my head around until it almost falls off, you also need to jab me in the sides with knives to tell me where you want to go?  I get the picture.

            Bartender: Oh yes, what they do for “historical accuracy” and to be “period appropriate.”

          Horse 1: (Slurps some water from the trough as Horses 2 and 3 trot over) Yeah, and if that wasn’t enough, I had a double role today as “Wild Mustang #4,” which was another fun romp.

            Bartender: (While serving Horses 2 and 3) Why, what did that entail?

            Horse 1: Oh, not much – my direction was just to act “free.”

            Horse 2: (Head and ears perk up) Sorry, what was that word you just used?

            Horse 1: What, free?

            (The three customers and the Bartender laugh uproariously)

           Horse 3: Those two-legged freaks really have some nerve.  So’d you at least make a run for it?

          Horse 1: Nah, how could I?  Guards were all around – they just kept signaling at me to basically run in a circle until one of them “heroically” lassoed me to fall hard on the ground, thereby breaking my wild spirit.

            Horse 2: Oh come on, you’re a horse, you love to run, don’t we treat you so well?

            Horse 1: You keep telling yourself that.

            Horse 3: Did you bite `em when they took the lasso off?

            Horse 1: (Sighs wistfully) No, but I left them a nice mess to clean up afterward.

            Bartender: Sweet.  Make them work for it, I always say.

          Horse 1: I think they’ll be wrapping up this bit of old timey dress-up tomorrow, so I might get a little break before the next go-around.  What about you two?

            Horse 2: Ugh, they have us reenacting the last really big kerfuffle they had where they used us to run straight into their projectiles.  My great-great-great-great-great-grandmare was in that one, you know.

            Horse 3: Really?

            Horse 2: Well, we think she was – she was taken away and never heard from again, so it was either the front lines or the glue factory.  At least this version has her going down fighting.

            Horse 1: Is the reenactment dangerous, then?

            Horse 3: Depends on how you define “danger.”  They’re not shooting projectiles to kill us this time, but with all the forced falls, eardrum-shattering explosions, and horrific fires flaring up all around us, it’s a toss-up whether a broken leg, flying object, or heart attack’ll do us in first.

            Horse 2: My guess is a broken leg, but I think a heart attack would be the easiest.

            Horse 1: Unbelievable.

          Horse 2: Still, suppose it could always be worse.  Some of these weirdos do try to fix the broken leg now, instead of just being all “Too bad for you, it’s better this way,” and projectile right to the head.

            Horse 1: I guess.

            Horse 2: And I have to admit, my current rider’s not that bad.

            Horse 3: Shut your mouth – he’s a rider.

          Horse 2: Believe me, I’ve had some beauts.  The last one on that fake farm we were sent to tried to make me go across that fake lake, even when his trainer was yelling at him to stop, just because he wanted to prance around in front of some filly.  We almost both went under, but guess who would have been the one who drowned, what with all that unnecessary equipment strapped to their body?  Not him, let me tell you.

            Horse 3: Oh yeah, I remember when that happened.  That was a close one.

           Horse 2: Yeah, so at least this one sneaks me sugar cubes and brushes my hair at the end of the day and pats my head soothingly every time he makes me fall down next to exploding ordinance.

            Horse 1:  Aw.  That’s almost sweet.

            Horse 2: Yeah, it’s slightly less of an ordeal.

        Horse 1: Well, I guess we shouldn’t complain too much – I have three cousins who’re racehorses.

            (The others shudder)

            Bartender: How are they holding up?

            Horse 1: Let me put it this way: I used to have eight cousins who’re racehorses.

            Horse 3: Ouch.  Maybe their luck’ll hold out and they can retire to have some foals.

            Horse 1: Foals who’ll be trapped in the same lives.

            Horse 3: Good point.

           Horse 2: Guess there’s nothing for it but to enjoy the small perks that come our way and hope we can grow old enough to relax on a real farm.

            Horse 3: Isn’t a farm just as bad?

            Horse 2: Nah, by the time we get there we’ll be too old for them to make us do anything really strenuous, and from what I’ve heard, at least there everyone works for their daily oats, know-what-I-mean?

            Horse 1: (Gasps) You mean the two-legs work with the horses?

            Horse 2: Out in the fields and everything.

            Horse 3: OK, then we’ll let those guys think they treat us so well.