(The tour bus parks in Grand Canyon National Park’s South Rim Visitor Center lot and deposits its human contents onto the nearest sidewalk)
Tour Leader: (Assembling the group off to the side) All right everyone, you can either come with me on the planned stops on the itinerary, or you can go do your own thing and meet us back here at 5 p.m. ON THE DOT for our return trip to Vegas. It’s another four-plus hour drive back, so if you’re a second late, we are not waiting for you. (Sees a raised hand in the group) Yes?
Friend 1: We getting dinner on the ride back?
Tour Leader: You get breakfast on the ride here?
Friend 1: Disappointingly, no.
Tour Leader: Same answer – anyone else? (No one else) OK all: disperse! (Most of the group members disperse; four remain with Tour Leader) Right, the rest you get to ride the shuttle buses with me to all the lookout points and attend a surprisingly fascinating lecture on geology.
Remaining Group Members: Yippee! (They cheer all the way over to a nearby shuttle bus stop and line up for the short wait)
(Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk to the Visitor Center building)
Friend 2: Isn’t this so exciting?! We finally made it to the Grand Canyon, one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World!
Friend 1: Eh.
Friend 2: I’m going to ignore that dismissal.
Friend 1: A giant, asymmetrical chasm with a barely visible river at the way bottom, and everyone loses their minds and thousands of dollars a year to stare at it; I just don’t get it.
Friend 2: Oh come on, once you really see it I’m sure you’ll be awe-inspired and breath-taken the same as everyone else.
Friend 1: You know I’m only here to say I hiked down into it. I’m just glad this is a day trip – we’re losing valuable Vegas time here.
Friend 2: You don’t even gamble: you just wanted to see the dancing waters and living statues on The Strip!
Friend 1: Yeah, but it’s Vegas, baby. I have to live the Vegas life; whatever happens there stays there; Sin City is calling me –
Friend 2: Remind me of all that when you fall asleep in the hotel room after dinner again.
(A park ranger greets them at a table in front of the Visitor Center)
Ranger: Hello there! First time at the Grand Canyon?
Friend 1: Is it that obvious?
Ranger: We say that to everyone: makes them feel special either way. So, need help with anything?
Friend 2: Yes, we actually would like to hike down into the Canyon a bit and need some guidance on the types of trails here.
Friend 1: Preferably ones that are paved flat.
Ranger: Well, you definitely aren’t prepared for this.
Friend 1: Hey!
Ranger: You need lots of water, lots of snacks, be in excellent physical shape, and know your limits.
Friend 1: What’s your point?
Ranger: (Hands a map to Friend 2, the only one of the pair carrying a well-stocked knapsack) I recommend these two trails – (Points to those areas on the map) and keep in mind that it takes twice as long to get back up as it does to go down. However, the South Rim Trail is paved flat for a long portion and offers fantastic views.
Friend 1: (Peers over at the map) A perimeter trail? Pah! We want to walk into the Canyon, have lunch at the Colorado River once we reach the bottom, walk up the other side to the North Rim, walk around that to get to the East Rim, and go along that to end back here, paying our respects along the way to each of the First Nations who still live here – maybe cutting over to the West Rim and back if, you know, we have a bit of time toward the end.
(Friend 2 has been slowly shaking their head during this; Ranger stares at Friend 1, then laughs hysterically)
Friend 2: We’ll probably stick to the South Rim Trail and maybe one of these – thanks! (Grabs Friend 1’s arm to lead both of them to a shuttle bus stop)
Friend 1: (Looking back at Ranger, who is still laughing and now banging the table in glee) A bit rude, don’t you think?
Friend 2: Did you even read up on this place before we planned the trip here?!
Friend 1: What’s to read up? We’re gonna be walking around staring at a giant hole filled with a bunch of rocks!
Friend 2: I think I may leave you here.
(They ride the shuttle to the South Kaibab Trail stop and walk from there to the trailhead – several signs on the way warn of the dangers of dehydration and hyperthermia)
Friend 1: All this fuss over a walk in the park – (Finally sees the Grand Canyon in full view) oh.
Friend 2: (Spreads arms wide) Here it is! (Takes out a camera and walks slightly closer to the edge for pictures) Ahhhhhhh, so majestic. (To Friend 1, who still is staring at the view) You need to sit down?
Friend 1: (Gulps) N-no, just feeling a bit existentially insignificant right now; I’ll be fine in a second. (Suddenly realizes a large elk has approached) Oh, hello there. Want a granola bar? (Starts to reach into pants pocket)
Friend 2: (Rushes over) Don’t give the pure animal our chemical rot! (Drags away Friend 1)
Friend 1: But it’s granola!
Friend 2: Haven’t they suffered enough?!
(Friend 2 drags Friend 1 to the trailhead and they begin their descent)
Friend 1: (Pauses to stare down at the multiple switchbacks along the path into the Canyon, filled with tourists) Huh – lot of people with ski poles here, yet not a drop of snow in sight.
Friend 2: Those help with hiking; for you, just keep a steady pace and don’t rush. (Continues down the path)
Friend 1: Ha! You’re talking to the local park trail hiker expert here: I can walk a mile in less than the average 20 minutes! (Starts walking after Friend 2, muttering) I know what I’m doing.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Friend 1: Slow down!
Friend 2: I have slowed down! Any slower and I’d be moving backwards!
Friend 1: (Panting while stopping for a drink of water, holding one hand against the Canyon wall for support) I think – the altitude – is getting to me – is this the bends?
Friend 2: The bends would be the ocean, but you’re right about the altitude; if you’re having trouble with that then you should go back.
Friend 1: NEVER! We are making it to the bottom at all costs!
Friend 2: I’d like to make it at least to Ooh Aah Point, so I can stand there and go “Ooh, aah.”
Friend 1: Haven’t we been doing that this entire time?
(Hikers with ski poles pass them on the way down)
Hiker 1: (To Friend 1) You all right?
Friend 1: Just because we’re all on this deceptively dangerous incline together does not mean you are welcome to be familiar with strangers.
Hiker 2: (To Hiker 1 as they continue on the trail) That one’s a helicopter ride back up.
Friend 1: I heard that!
Friend 2: Want to rest some more or keep on going?
Friend 1: (Recaps the water bottle) No: I am ready. I can face anything now, even this mockingly vertical trail.
TWO MINUTES LATER
(Friend 1 is hugging the ground and shimmying backwards down the trail; Friend 2 impatiently waits at a turn up ahead)
Friend 2: I repeat: I can go back up with you if you want.
Friend 1: (Coughing up dust and pebbles) Nope! You go on ahead – I’ll catch up in a second. (Slides down a bit on some smooth rocks)
(A mule train with tourists steadily passes them on its way back up the Canyon)
Mule Tour Guide: (To Friend 1) You need to go back up, now.
Friend 1: I take no orders from animal exploiters! (To the tourists as they pass) That’s right! I highly doubt the mules actually enjoy lugging your sorry selves up and down this treacherous pit! (Raises a fist in the air) Free the mules! (Slides down the trail some more)
Friend 2: (Carefully hurries over and helps Friend 1 stand) Here – we’re going back to the top.
Friend 1: (Mildly delirious) But – Ooh Aah?
Friend 2: This is close enough for me.
ONE HOUR LATER
(They stagger to the beginning of the trailhead and pass a few hikers having a picnic)
Hiker 1: (Clapping) Woo-hoo! You made it!
Friend 1: (Being supported by Friend 2) We are not friends.
(Friend 2 leads Friend 1 to an open area looking out over the Grand Canyon where they sit with food and water)
Friend 1: (Slightly recovered) Well, that certainly wasn’t like the park trails at home.
Friend 2: That’s pretty much what everyone has been telling you since before we got here.
(They stare at the view for a while in silence; a squirrel approaches them, looking for food)
Friend 1: Heh – I read that you shouldn’t feed the squirrels around here and make sure they don’t bite you, `cause they carry the bubonic plague. Can you believe it, the bubonic plague? Feels so medieval.
Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1) Out of all the history and culture and science surrounding this place, that’s what you retained?!
Friend 1: It struck my sick fancy.
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