Story 389: Extreme Scavenger Hunt

 DAY 1

 (In a large field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching every which way)

Host: (To the camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!

(Host and Camera Operator jog over to the contestant line)

Host: So, briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary competition!  (Holds the microphone out to each in turn)

Contestant 1: Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really need the prize money.

Host: Well that’s a shame – next?

Contestant 2: I’m doing this for the fame and glory.

Host: Good luck with that – next?

Contestant 3: I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else.  And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable folding ramps with me right here.  (Pats a large bag)

Host: Now that’s a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?

Contestant 4: I signed up `cause I was bored.

Host: Sounds about right – and now, for the distribution of The List!  (An employee hands each Contestant a laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them – first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority, wins!  The rest can slink off back to wherever you came from.

Contestant 2: What if there’s a tie?

Host: I highly doubt it.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?

Host: The odds of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?

Host: Then fight to the death, I don’t know!  (To the rest) Are you all ready?

Contestant 1: (Raises hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically “stealing” any of these?  Asking for a friend.

Host: No!  These are all items that are either public property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much all of them back at the end!

Contestant 3: (Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –

Host: Too bad!  You all knew what you were getting into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!

Contestant 1: Do we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?

Host: Get set!

Contestant 2: (Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?

Host: GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(The Contestants crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)

 DAY 2

 (At a Renaissance Faire)

Host: After a few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival – (Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.

(Contestant 1 is standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)

Contestant 1: (Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss!  Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow!  Thanks, gentlefolk!  (Starts skipping away while swinging the arrow and is stopped by Host)

Host: You know you could have just bought one –

            Contestant 1: I NEED THE MONEY!

DAY 5

(In a mountain range with an active volcano)

Host: (Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s Tear.  Let’s go have a look.

(Host climbs farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4 had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)

Contestant 4: Oh, hey there; what’s up?

Host: We’re here to ask you the same thing.

Contestant 4: Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a dragon cry or something.  These game designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?

Host: I’m not legally allowed to comment.  So, how long do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?

Contestant 4: Zero minutes – she’s right over there.  (Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)

Host: Oh.  (Faints)

Contestant 4: You OK?  (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re fine.  (Resumes climbing over treasure to reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet.  Six down, four to go.  (Turns to leave, then turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)

Dragon: (Wakes up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?!  I didn’t sign a waiver for this!

(Dragon chases Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)

Host: (Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4) Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?!  You were the only one who got here while she was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!

Contestant 4: (Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate you on the way out, then what’s the point?

 DAY 7

 (At a castle during a thunderstorm)

Host: (Standing in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2 until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans firsthand.

(Contestant 2 is on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell phone)

Contestant 2: (As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold!  I will be the first human being in all of history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle!  (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.

Host: Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there.  (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)

 DAY 8

 (On a space shuttle)

Host: I’m here before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon.  (To Contestant 3) Nervous?

Contestant 3: (In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!

Host: No, they all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the Smithsonian.

Contestant 3: Wimps!

(The countdown to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it blasts into space)

 DAY 9

 Host: We arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s have a look, shall we?

(Grainy footage shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s surface toward the small Earth in the distance)

Contestant 3: I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….

 DAY 10

 (In the same large field where the contest started)

Host: Well, it’s the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night.  (Looks around at the empty field and mutters) They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.

(Simultaneously, all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain vehicle, laughing all the way.  They crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before the judges confiscate their satchels)

Host: Oh bother, they did wind up all getting here at the same time.  Judges?

Lead Judge: (After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.

Host: So they each have nine items?

Lead Judge: Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.

Contestant 2: (Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE!  I told you – what now, huh?  What now?!

Host: …Fight to the death?

Lead Judge: Just split the prize money four ways!

Contestant 1: Yesssss!

Lead Judge: And then tax it.

Contestant 1: Boo.

Contestant 3: (Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this up soon?  I gotta get the rock back and I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.

Contestant 4: I think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over again.

Everyone Else: NO!

Contestant 4: Bummer.  (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)

Host: (To the camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at our expense.  I hope you’re happy!  (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)  That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no matter what.  So tune in next week for our new show, Extreme Bingo!  (Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!

Story 337: Television Test Studio

           (In an office, a television studio executive and an assistant are seated at a desk across from a potential showrunner)

          Showrunner: Thank you so much for meeting with me today – I’m very excited to pitch this series to you.

            Executive: Yes, we can tell.  The premise does sound intriguing, so I, too, am excited about all the money we stand to make off of this thing.

            Showrunner: Well, this has been a labor of love for the past 10 years of my life –

            Executive: None of that matters if no one watches past the first 10 minutes of Episode 1; now pitch it to me.

       Showrunner: [Pitches high-concept, epically worldbuilt, complexly characterized, subtly philosophical, soulfully resounding series]

            Executive: (Leaning back with wide-open eyes) Wow.

            Showrunner: You’re darn right “Wow”: this whole thing’ll blow everyone’s minds and change the landscape of television forever, again.  So, yeah, that’s how the series ends; I think it should take about 15 episodes to tell the story properly.

          Executive: Whoa-whoa-whoa, back up a second there; all that was just for one season?

           Showrunner: Well, yeah; I mean, it’s a pretty tight story that can be told in a short period of time – wouldn’t want to end on a cliffhanger and get cancelled, am-I-right?

            Executive: With that kind of attitude, you will be!

            Showrunner: Oh.  OK, I guess you could split the series over two seasons with about seven or eight episodes each.

          Executive: With all due respect to our cousins across the pond – what do you think this is, British broadcasting?!

            Showrunner: Ummm, sooo, what exactly do you want?       

            Executive: Five seasons minimum.

            Showrunner: (Laughs hysterically, then stops abruptly) Oh, you’re serious?

            Executive: I’d actually prefer the series to be extended indefinitely, but my experience in this business has taught me to manage my expectations.

            Showrunner: But – but – that’s completely unsustainable!  Do you know how long it took me to lovingly craft this exquisite work of art?!

            Executive: Ten years, and yet I don’t care: either figure out how to stretch the story out over five seasons of 20-plus episodes each using however many clip shows you need, or figure out what shenanigans the characters can repetitively get into after the ending you currently have.  Find a way to make it work, or you have no show.

            Showrunner: (Pulls hair in despair) I can’t just add to a finished story; it’s complete as it is now!

           Executive: Tell that to the sponsors – they’re not gonna invest in a one-off that builds an audience of consumers just to drop off suddenly in less than a year.  The viewers will tell you the same: I can see the comments now on how they wasted their precious leisure time and brain power on an immersive fantasy world and realistic characters that all up and vanished when one measly season’s over.  The fan fiction alone will eat you alive.

          Showrunner: But the story is over, don’t you get it?!  Anything past that will be a disgusting shadow of its former glory!

           Executive: This is TV – nothing is ever over.  You want it to end on your terms, you should’ve written a novel.

            Showrunner: But none of the cool people I want as fans would read it!

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: Oh, forgot you were here; go ahead.

            Assistant: This show may be the perfect opportunity to use the Test Studio.

            Executive: Oh, right, forgot that was here, too.  (To Showrunner) Interested?

            Showrunner: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

          Executive: You heard in the news about the mini-black hole discovered right here on Earth recently, yes?

            Showrunner: Yeah, it’s messed up literally everything – so?

            Executive: Well, our studio bought it and –

            Showrunner: What?!

            Assistant: We decided to utilize it to create a Television Test Studio, sort of like a test kitchen without the disastrous consequences.  (Takes out a computer tablet and displays convoluted diagrams) Turns out the black hole leads to an alternate universe with an Earth just like ours in every way, except not everyone there’s left-handed for some reason.

            Executive: It’s a real drag.

           Assistant: So, we can produce your show on that Earth for five seasons and judge the reactions of that audience to see if it would work here, without any of the risk or potential loss of profit on this end.

          Showrunner: (Stares at the diagrams) This is a life-altering, universe-impacting discovery, and you’re using it to test a TV show?!

            Executive: I know, isn’t it great?!  It’ll save us a fortune!

            Assistant: And time: there’s some kind of temporal dilation once you cross the event horizon, so we can do the five years over there and then come back here with extremely minimal loss of time on this end.

            Showrunner: But we’d get older!

            Assistant: Over there, yeah, but we’d supposedly get the years back when we come over here again, kind of like changing time zones or what-not.

            Showrunner: I don’t think that’s how it works.

            Assistant: What can I tell you: I don’t science, I television.

            Executive: So, are you in?

            Showrunner: I don’t know, this is all so weird….

            Executive: You want your series baby see the light of day or not?

            Showrunner: Where do I sign?

FIVE YEARS LATER

        (In an Alternate Earth office, Executive and Assistant are seated at a desk across from Showrunner)

            Executive: So!  Reviews for last night’s episode are in.

            Showrunner: (Slumped in the seat) I know, and I don’t want to read them.

            Executive: Oh come on, it’s gotta be a little flattering to read all those embittered fans saying you’ve lost your way – means they loved you at some point!

            Showrunner: They called the show a dumpster fire and wondered how I could’ve written such a great first season if all the others are such obvious money-grabs!

            Executive: Yes, but those same people still give us their money to watch it, so that’s really on them.

          Showrunner: They said the show should’ve ended after Season 1!  I told you this would happen – they hate it, and now they hate me, not you!

          Executive: Calm yourself: they’re still buying the other seasons en masse; I fail to see why you’re letting a few trolls get you down.

            Showrunner: They’re the same fans who loved Season 1!

            Executive: Audiences can be a fickle crew.

         Showrunner: And you even lost money when you made me write Season 3 to take place entirely in the characters’ minds!  The CGI was eye-bleedingly terrible, and all the actors wanted higher salaries because they were practically doing one-person shows!  In pantomime!

          Executive: Yes, I did hate giving into the divas, but we’d’ve lost half the audience if any of those guys had walked out before we got a chance to kill them off between seasons.

           Showrunner: That’s another thing!  You knew the lead villain was supposed to die at the end of Season 1 because the story was over, but you said the audience loved him too much so I had to keep resurrecting him even though it made no sense!  The actor’s been begging me to kill the character for years because he can’t make it believable anymore!

            Executive: Well, then he clearly does not take his craft seriously.

            Showrunner: Whatever.  Series finale is next week and it can’t come soon enough; I just won't read anything about how much everyone hated it, that’s all.

           Executive: Yeah, about that: the show’s still trending in the top 10, so I’d like at least two more seasons to maximize our returns – three, if I can be greedy.

            Showrunner: (Stares in horror) It has been bled beyond dry.  The critics are right: I have been making this up as I go along, for years!

            Executive: True, but they don’t need to have that theory confirmed, do they?

          Showrunner: What am I gonna do with these characters for another 20 episodes?!  They’ve already saved the world 100 times, plus they’ve all hooked up with each other and had 15 babies with three more on the way; what’s next, they colonize Mars?!

            Executive: (Starts writing on a notepad) Ooh, that’s a great idea –

           Showrunner: (Slams hand on the desk) No!  No-no-no!  You’ve already warped my beautiful creation into an unrecognizable mass of rubbish; this madness ends now!

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: Oh, sorry, forgot you were here; go ahead.

           Assistant: I think our testing phase is complete and has effectively demonstrated that this show should only have one season.

          Executive: Oh, right, also forgot that’s what we’ve been doing here.  (To Showrunner) All right, you win: the viewers have clearly spoken and want just the one perfect season, so we’ll go back to our universe now and go do that.

            Showrunner: (Bleary-eyed) I don’t even remember why we came here.

APPROXIMATELY FOUR YEARS EARLIER

        (In the Prime Earth office, Executive and Assistant are seated at a desk across from Showrunner)

            Executive: Well, well, well!  It’s not often that I’m wrong, but I do admit when I am – the show was a smashing success, the viewers are sad that it’s over but continue to rave about how awesome it was, and our ratings have never been higher, all thanks to you!

            Showrunner: Wow.  Thank you for saying that: this past year’s been an immense relief, let me tell you, and fulfilling on a deep, personal level, if I might add.

            Executive: I wish you wouldn’t.

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: You always do.

          Assistant: Now that this show is completely over, we have been looking at the possibility of at least 10 spin-offs –

            (Showrunner face plants onto the desk)

            Executive: Oh, don’t be so glum – we have a whole alternate universe Test Studio to try them out in first!

Story 223: Binge-Reading

            (Co-Worker 1 sees Co-Worker 2 slump onto the chair at the adjoining desk; Co-Worker 2 has bleary eyes, messy hair, and an all-round dissipated look)

            Co-Worker 1: Wow, you look hideous.

            Co-Worker 2: I know.

            Co-Worker 1: I mean it – you look like someone literally rolled you.  In garbage.

            Co-Worker 2: Thanks.

            Co-Worker 1: I mean, your face –

            Co-Worker 2: I need you to shut up now.  (Holds head while taking five aspirin)

            (Co-Worker 1 tries to go back to work, then turns to face Co-Worker 2 again)

            Co-Worker 1: All right, spill it: did you go on an actual binge this weekend?

            Co-Worker 2: (Lying head on desk) Of sorts.

            Co-Worker 1: I knew it!  You always say you don’t drink, but this place drives everyone to it – I knew it was only a matter of time – I had a bet going with –

            Co-Worker 2: It wasn’t alcohol.

            Co-Worker 1: Huh?  Oh.  (Peers into Co-Worker 2’s face) Ohh, now I know that look.  You binge-watched something all weekend, didn’t you.  Let me guess: all 27 seasons of Sword Slash?

            Co-Worker 2: Hardly.

            Co-Worker 1: All 15 films of the Astro Conflicts saga, including the animated series and the short-lived puppet show?

            Co-Worker 2: No!  (In a small voice) I saw those when they came out.

          Co-Worker 1: (Leans in again, conspiratorially) No one else has to know – it was Hearts Restrained by Corsets and Honor, wasn’t it?

            Co-Worker 2: Ew, no.

            Co-Worker 1: All right, it’s just that some people enjoy the writing on that show, you know.  Nothing to be ashamed of.

            Co-Worker 2: (Leans back in chair to administer eye drops) Well, you’ll never guess because I didn’t binge-watch anything; I actually binge-read.

            Co-Worker 1: Binge… read?  As in, a book?

            Co-Worker 2: Yes.  With words and everything.

            Co-Worker 1: Are you taking an English class or something?

            Co-Worker 2: No; I’d always wanted to read it, that’s all.  We had the snow this weekend, so I thought it was as good a time as any.  Got a comfy blanket, got some tea, played some soothing piano music, and… read.

            Co-Worker 1: Wow.  What did you read?

            Co-Worker 2: All three books of The Master of the Bangles.  Although, I don’t know if I can really count that as three separate books since they were originally published as one large volume.  Took me from Friday night through to 3:00 this morning, with five-minute breaks for whatever.

            Co-Worker 1: You read that?  I don’t get it – why didn’t you just watch the movies, you’d’ve been done in half a day!

            Co-Worker 2: (Gives a withering look) It’s not the same.

          Co-Worker 1: It’s close enough!  The filmmakers said they were very faithful to the source material!  And how’d you even finish those things in one weekend anyway, they must have been over a thousand pages long!  Each!

            Co-Worker 2: Grand total was 1,372.  Including the appendices.

          Co-Worker 1: Appendices!  I’m not working that hard for something that’s supposed to be entertainment!  (Sees alert on phone) Ooh, the next installment of the unauthorized Sword Slash Encyclopedia was just released.  (Sees Co-Worker 2 staring) It’s not the same!

          Co-Worker 2: Well, you binge on whatever you want to binge on – I personally feel very fulfilled in reading what is considered to be a classic, and my brain feels all the more enriched by the experience.

            Co-Worker 1: Whatever you say.  A binge is still a binge, though, and you feel slightly gross and ashamed afterwards no matter the material or the medium.

            Co-Worker 2: (Cradles head on arms, leaning on the desk) At the moment, I couldn’t agree more.

             Co-Worker 1: (Hesitates) Got something lined up for next weekend?

            Co-Worker 2: (Perks up) Oh yeah: The Complete Collection of the John Houses Mysteries, Unabridged.

            Co-Worker 1: Nice!  Mind if I come over and binge-read those with you?

            Co-Worker 2: If you want, but you’ll have to wait until I finish at least the first set – spoiler alert, the last set is shorter because the author killed off the main character so he could end the series.

            Co-Worker 1: It’s not a spoiler if it’s been published over 100 years ago.