Story 370: All the Ornaments Must Go on the Tree!

 (Sibling 2 walks from the car to the house while carrying a heavy cardboard box and kicks the front door several times)

Sibling 1: (Lazily opens the door) Heeeeeeeey, look who’s breaking and entering!

Sibling 2: Cute – mind if I drop your garbage in there now?  (Holds out the box)

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, sure.  (Opens the door wider to let in Sibling 2, then locks seven different bolts after closing it)

Sibling 2: (Drops the box with a crash onto the living room floor) Crime here that bad?

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh, no – habit.  (Dives toward the box to rip it open and noisily rummage through the contents)  You got everything?

Sibling 2: (Strolls over to the almost-fully decorated tree) Pretty much; I had to leave the one with your huge baby photo plastered on Santa’s sleigh behind, `cause Mom wanted “at least one reminder of our darling child on our family tree.”  You still go over there to see her and Dad once a week, right?

Sibling 1: Sure do.  No worries, I’ll just snatch it right off that sucker next time I’m there, heh-heh-heh.

Sibling 2: Don’t you dare – she’ll think she’s losing her mind when she can’t find it later.

Sibling 1: Not a problem, I’ll do it right in front of her; I’m an honest thief.  (Starts taking ornaments from the box to hang on the tree)

Sibling 2: (Watches for a few moments) I dunno, this thing looks pretty full already, are you gonna be able to fit all this new-old stuff on it now, too?

Sibling 1: Yes.  (Continues to hang ornaments without hesitation)

Sibling 2: You knew I was bringing over about a hundred of your kiddie ornaments today –

Sibling 1: They’re not “kiddie,” they’re “classic.”

Sibling 2: Whatever – you filled up the tree before you even got to these!

Sibling 1: Nonsense: there’s still plenty of room.

Sibling 2: (Holds one of the branches out a bit) I count three on this branch alone.

Sibling 1: Is there a rule somewhere that there can only be one ornament per branch?  (Props an ice pop stick reindeer on a lower branch surrounded by a skating dog and an entire snow family)

Sibling 2: I guess not, but it looks better to space them out more, and you don’t want the whole thing to fall over and break everything.

Sibling 1: All taken care of on that front.  (Lifts up several branches to reveal the tree trunk has been reinforced with steel poles, then points to the top to show guy wires leading from there to the four corners of the room)

Sibling 2: All right then.

Sibling 1: So you gonna help me out or what?

Sibling 2: Thought nearly throwing my back out hauling this stuff over here would be enough, but OK.  (Takes an knitted nutcracker from the box and squeezes through the laden branches to an emptier spot near the trunk; spits out needles) Where’d you even get all this new stuff anyway?

Sibling 1: (Adds a third star as a tree topper) Oh, here and there.

Sibling 2: (Tries to leave but an arm is now stuck; panics) Um, oh no, help – I think the tree is taking me!

Sibling 1: (Walks over and pulls Sibling 2 out of the tree branches) Whatever happens, never show fear.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: (Starts hanging a string of embroidered train cars across the tree’s middle) Have a firm hand, show it who’s boss, take no sap!

Sibling 2: Sass?

Sibling 1: I said sap!  (Pushes face into the branches) I see you trying to trap us forever in there!  Your evil plans are foiled once again!

Sibling 2: You know you’re yelling at something that’s technically dead, don’t you?

Sibling 1: Its sacrifice for our enjoyment is not in vain, so I fail to see why it insists on fighting its fate.

Sibling 2: (Watches as more ornaments are shoved in there) I don’t know, I think you’re smothering whatever’s left.  Where’re you even gonna hang the lights?

Sibling 1: (Stares at the tree with eyes widening in horror) Son of a – !

Sibling 2: Maybe it’s a good thing: there’s so much stuff on here the lights’d probably overheat and burn the whole place down.

Sibling 1: But lights are 90% of the effect!

Sibling 2: What about one of your 10 toppers up there, can you light those?

Sibling 1: And how would the rest of the tree look then, hm?  I’ll tell you how – like a fool!

Sibling 2: (Holds up an ornament from the box) Well I doubt you could event fit one more macaroni… doll… whatever this thing is you made in kindergarten –

Sibling 1: IT IS THE VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD!

Sibling 2: Wow.  Then maybe stick them on a table or something.

Sibling 1: And then where would I fit all my Nativity scenes?!  (Sweeps an arm toward a side table featuring five Nativity scenes of various size and scope) And Baby Jesus can’t be anywhere near there because He hasn’t been born yet!

Sibling 2: But He can be on the tree?

Sibling 1: Yes, because that’s an ornament!  (Grabs the macaroni, climbs a stepladder, and places the piece between two angel tree toppers) There.  Now hand me a string of lights while you finish up the rest of the box.

Sibling 2: I think this whole thing’s a fire hazard by now.

Sibling 1: I have seven fire extinguishers sprinkled throughout the place – HAND ME THE LIGHTS!

(Sibling 2 hands over a string of lights and continues jamming ornaments onto the packed tree as Sibling 1 works down, adding lights until both finish their decorating around the same time.  Sibling 1 plugs the last string into the wall outlet, and they stand back to view the colorful, bursting tree)

Sibling 2: Well, surprisingly enough, you did it.  I wasn’t sure about your hardened dough snowflake from Scouts at the end there, but you managed to fit every ornament from childhood until now onto this tree.  Except the one you’re planning to steal later.

Sibling 1: (Sighs contentedly) Indeed.  This is the most perfect Christmas tree in the whole wide world.

Sibling 2: I’m sure the one at Rockefeller Center pales in comparison.

Sibling 1: (Tilts head while squinting eyes) Still….

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: Needs tinsel.

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!

Story 305: Holding Onto August 31

AUGUST 24

            (On a beach, two siblings are lounging on chairs close to the ocean)

            Sibling 1: (Sighs) Man, I’m bummed.

           Sibling 2: How’s that?  Isn’t this one of the pinnacles of relaxation: lying in front of soothing waves, thinking of nothing?

           Sibling 1: Yeah, but I’m not thinking of nothing, am I?  I’m thinking of how summer’s over next week.

            Sibling 2: No it isn’t – summer isn’t over until the Autumnal Equinox on September 23.

           Sibling 1: Technically, but just as summer unofficially begins on Memorial Day in May, it also unofficially ends on Labor Day in September.  All the fun shore venues close up shop, the beaches become do-not-enter zones, the tourists cease their mass migration oceanward, and the dreaded s-word is set to begin all over again that week.

            Sibling 2: S-word?

         Sibling 1: School.  The children must report for duty by Thursday the latest and bid their carefree lives farewell for yet another 9.75 months.

            Sibling 2: Yeah, but you don’t have to go to school anymore, so what do you care?

            Sibling 1: I endured that ordeal for too many years to ever get over it.

            Sibling 2: Whatever.

           Sibling 1: Whatever indeed – at any rate, for me, summer truly ends the second that September begins.

            Sibling 2: And that’s not even for another week, so just enjoy today and stop nattering on the inevitable.  “Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened,” or however the saying goes.

            Sibling 1: I guess.  (Gnaws lip in thought) Or….

            Sibling 2: (Temporarily distracted by the waves) Hm?

            Sibling 1: Or… something can be done about it.

            Sibling 2: What, you mean like declaring an extra federal holiday?

            Sibling 1: No, I’m thinking of something a big further-reaching.  And more permanent.

            Sibling 2: Such as…?

            Sibling 1: You’ll see.  (Turns to the side to snuggle into the beach chair) Yes, it’ll all be sorted out nicely.

            Sibling 2: I don’t like the sound of that.

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Hi!  Have any good plans for today?

            Sibling 2: Yes, actually – some errands first, but then going out to the boardwalk with the fam and dinner and ice cream later.  What about you?

          Sibling 1: Theme park all day, quick meeting to close the deal, then watching the sunset closely to make sure it takes.

            Sibling 2: Wait, what?

            Sibling 1: Enjoy your day!

            Sibling 2: Oh… kaaaayyyyy….

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Goooooood – morning!  Have any wonderful plans for this glorious day?

            Sibling 2: (Groggy) Uh, yes, actually, I think – some errands, and….

            Sibling 1: Boardwalk with the fam and then dinner and ice cream later?

            Sibling 2: Yeah… how did you – ?

            Sibling 1: Just intuition.  Enjoy your day!

            Sibling 2: Thanks…. Hey, wait, what’re you doing today?

            Sibling 1: Reveling in all the glory that is Endless Summer.

            Sibling 2: Tomorrow is September, you know.

            Sibling 1: Oh, is it?

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Howdy-howdy-howdy!  Any exciting, fantastic, splendiferous plans for this magnificent day of days?

            Sibling 2: All right, now I know we’ve had this conversation already – what is going on?!

            Sibling 1: Whatever do you mean, love?

            Sibling 2: For one thing, you’re never this happy!

            Sibling 1: Point taken.

            Sibling 2: I can’t believe I’m even asking this: are we all reliving the same day, over and over again?!

            Sibling 1: (Giggles) You weren’t supposed to notice.

            Sibling 2: What have you done?!

          Sibling 1: Let’s just say I made an arrangement with a certain party who has influence over such things.

          Sibling 2: What?!  Did you sell your soul to the Devil like we’re all specifically told not to do?!

          Sibling 1: Ewgh, no, nothing that banal.  Let’s just say I ensured certain conditions were met –

          Sibling 2: You know what: forget it, I don’t even want to know the details because I might incriminate myself later, just – put it back!

            Sibling 1: Put what back?

            Sibling 2: The day!  The calendar!  Earth’s orbit!  The space-time continuum!

            Sibling 1: But why would I want to do that?

            Sibling 2: Because this is wrong!

           Sibling 1: How so?  You have a great day ahead planned, all the damage we humans have done to the planet and outer space is now suspended and literally can’t get any worse, and I know for a fact only tiny natural disasters occur today, so why end it?  We’re all happy as we are right now, aren’t we?

            Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) I’m sure there’s a significant percentage of beings here who are having an absolutely terrible day, and now have to go through it all again and again and again!

           Sibling 1: Oh.  Well, that unfortunately will always be the case – I pray their sufferings are brief.

            Sibling 2: You’ve condemned us all to a never-ending day!

            Sibling 1: A wonderful never-ending day.  The last day of summer, which now will be the only day as far as we’re all concerned.  And on that note, have a great day!

          Sibling 2: I won’t now, and I never will!  And you realize that it’s only summer for the Northern Hemisphere, right?  You’re prolonging the last day of winter for everyone else!

Sibling 1: Umm…

Sibling 2: This day is completely ruined – change it back!

            Sibling 1: (Chuckles) Now, now, you just need to get yourself acclimated to your new reality.  Why don’t you mix it up a little – you already did all that boardwalk whatchamacallit stuff today, so why not try something you’ve never done before, like family kickboxing lessons, or cliff diving?

          Sibling 2: I’m hanging up now, and when I wake up tomorrow it had better be tomorrow!

            Sibling 1: You sound just like Mom.

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 2: (On the phone) What the –

            Sibling 1: Look, don’t be mad –

            Sibling 2: Too late for that!

            Sibling 1: I thought maybe if you gave it once more chance –

            Sibling 2: CHANGE.  IT.  BACK!

            Sibling 1: Grumpy.  What you need is a summer vacation – (The call disconnects)

SEPTEMBER 1

           Sibling 1: (On the phone) Hi.  You happy now?  It’s your precious September, and it’s cold and damp and cloudy and everything.

            Sibling 2: Yes.  I am very happy, and I’m sure the space-time continuum is, too.

            Sibling 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Whelp, summer’s over, my life is miserable yet again, and it’s all downhill from here.

            Sibling 2: Look on the bright side: you get it all back in May.

            Sibling 1: Yippee – I could be dead by then.

            Sibling 2: Always the optimist.

            Sibling 1: Still, I suppose it could be worse.

            Sibling 2: How so?

           Sibling 1: I could be stuck living in one of the Poles, South or North.  There it wouldn’t matter what month it is: every day of the year would be Endless Winter.