Story 497: First Day of Summer (for Adults)

 (In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reviewing a large pile of paper with a red pencil; stops drawing strikethroughs and slowly looks up to stare into the middle distance) This really is all pointless….

Employee: (Startles Manager out of reverie by popping around the open door and giving it a cursory knock) Hey-Boss-you-got-a-minute?

Manager: (Shoves papers aside and gestures to a chair in front of the desk) Of course, have a seat – and you know you don’t need to call me “Boss,” right?

Employee: (Sits quickly) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure – listen, I was wondering if I could have the rest of the day off today, hm?

Manager: Why, are you feeling sick?

Employee: Of this place, yes.

Manager: Don’t… tell me that.

Employee: Sorry, it’s just that – you know what today is?

Manager: Wednesday.

Employee: Deeper than that.

Manager: …Burger Day in the cafeteria?

Employee: No, not – ooh, I should order one next time – no, I mean today’s the day.  (Manager stares blankly) The First Day of Summer.

Manager: Oh.  Right.  Great.  (They stare at each other some more)  So what?

Employee: Sooo, this used to be one of the top days of the year when I was a kid, and now it’s nothing!

Manager: No it isn’t; it’s Burger Day.

Employee: Deliciously flavored cow parts, vegetables, and bread are poor substitutes for the utter bliss that The First Day of Summer formerly entailed, and I would like to spend the rest of it this year reclaiming that joy, please.

Manager: All right, you’ve got my interest: how so?

Employee: You know!  Riding bikes throughout the countryside!  Swimming in all the pools!  Shooting hoops until midnight!  Running down the middle of an empty residential street screaming at the top of our lungs that SCHOOL!  IS!  OUT!!!!

Manager: Wow.  What an obnoxious child you must have been.

Employee: Probably, but who cared back then?!  I didn’t!

Manager: Clearly.  So, what, you want to leave here and make a public nuisance of yourself to celebrate your so-called freedom from a school you no longer have to attend, is that it?

Employee: Pretty much, yeah.

Manager: Whelp, we’ve got nothing urgent scheduled for the rest of the day, so go ahead and knock off three hours of vacation you’ll never get back this fiscal year.

Employee: (Quietly fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you!

Manager: (Briefly checks cell phone) I’m almost tempted to say “Take me with you,” but you realize the downpour that started last night hasn’t stopped for a moment and isn’t predicted to until at least next month, yes?

Employee: (Stands) No matter – the spirit of eternal youth will endure in the face of all obstacles.  Farewell!  (Skips out the door humming the tune of “No more pencils/ No more books”)

Manager: (Stares down at the red pencil and pile of papers) I must be doing something wrong with my life.

(Outside the office building, Employee bursts through the main doors and stops to breathe in the fresh air)

Employee: Aaaaaaahhhhh…. Freedom from time.  (Skips past the overhang and is immediately drenched but never falters)

(At a recreation center, Receptionist looks up from a textbook as Employee, now dressed in a bathing suit and carrying a soaking wet towel, saunters into the lobby)

Employee: Hello there – I would like to utilize the ginormous public pool on this First Day of Summer, please.

Receptionist: Pool’s 50° Fahrenheit right now and it’s continuously overflowing with the pouring rain out there.

Employee: And your point is?

Receptionist: City didn’t want to pay a lifeguard when there’s an outdoor shower going on.

Employee: Very well, then: onward to bigger and better!  (Saunters out)

Receptionist: (Shakes head and returns to homework) Kids these days.

(On a residential street, a car backing down a driveway suddenly slams on the brakes as Employee, still wearing the bathing suit, splashes by on a bicycle)

Employee: Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!

Driver: (Opens the window and leans out to yell) Nuts – ! (Is drenched and sputters) Aw, nuts!

Employee: (Continuing down the street; pops a wheelie) I’m flyin’, I’m flyin’, I’m – (Skids into a puddle) oops.  (Struggles to right the bike) All right, then – no hands!   (Releases the handlebar, balances for two seconds, and nosedives into a hedgerow.  After landing, Employee sits up while spitting out leaves) Totally worth it.

(At an outdoor basketball court, passersby carrying umbrellas briefly slow down to stare at Employee, now wearing a T-shirt and shorts, playing a one-person game of HORSE)

Employee: (Spins around several times and tries for a three-point shot; the ball bounces off the rim) Aaaaand nothing but net!  They could go all the way to the championship this year, folks!  (Retrieves the ball, does some fancy dribbles, and shoots again; the ball sails over the backboard and bounces off the fence) Yes!  They win the pennant for the 50^th season in a row!  (Stands with hands on hips in satisfaction as the rain cascades all around) I could go for some ice cream right about now.

 THE NEXT MORNING

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reading aloud while typing a report) “And so, in conclusion, the point is, at the end of all things” – (Stops typing) Why I am saying the same thing over and over?

Employee: (Bursts into the room with a cursory knock again; Manager jumps slightly in chair) Hey-hey-hey, Boss!  Mind if I come in?

Manager: (Still recovering from the jump-scare) Yeah, sure, have a seat.  (Employee slides into the same chair as on the previous day) I’m surprised with your hours in the rain you don’t have all the colds for the year.

Employee: Heh-heh, that’s a myth – I feel great!

Manager: Great.  So, did you enjoy your summer vacation on the company’s dime?

Employee: (With a serene smile) Well, it was only a third of a day celebrating The First Day of Summer, but yes, yes I did.  Eternal Youth in Eternal Summer lives on for another day.

Manager: Fantastic: we have back-to-back meetings with Corporate for the rest of the week and I don’t think they’re happy with our performance this quarter so it’s very likely there’ll be no raises again this year.

Employee: (Serene smile freezes) …I’ll be on the boardwalk if you need me.

Story 490: Extremely Motivational Speaker

(In a large meeting room, tables and chairs are arranged so that lanyard-wearing attendees are facing a podium with a large sign overhead that reads “101^st Annual Office Workers’ Conference”.  One of the attendees finishes setting up the audiovisual system with a venue employee and then grabs a microphone to address the room)

Attendee 1: (Cheerily) Goooood morning, everyone; we’re going to get started – I know most of you came here with the sunrise from all over the state, so I see you have your coffee and tea all set to go!  (Nearly every attendee raises a cup to salute Attendee 1; one attendee pours the cup’s contents into an IV bag and starts the drip; another without a liquid stimulant stares balefully at Attendee 1; another’s head jerks up, awake) Our first speaker today is going to get the ball rolling with an inspirational talk that’ll get us ready to face the rest of the sessions for the next – (Glances at a schedule for the day) 10 hours.  Oh wow, I didn’t realize it was that long when we scheduled these…. Anyway!  Our first speaker gives talks around the world inspiring everyone to do anything; has written 76 bestsellers motivating readers to get off the couch and do something; and is currently working on a fifth Ph.D. in the science of personal fulfillment; please welcome, legally name-changed Dr. Do-It-Now!

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Runs up to the front of the room in a blur of confetti, waving wildly at the attendees’ polite muted applause) Hey-hey-hey, folks, it’s great to be here with all you fine people today!  Now, this is going to be an interactive session, so I’m going to be asking you questions; we’re going to have breakout groups; and I’m going to need some volunteers to recount deeply personal experiences in front of their associates here; sound like fun?!  (Everyone else stares back)

Attendee 2: C’mon, pal, it’s 8:00 in the morning and we’ve been up since 3!  (Trails off into a sob while collapsing onto crossed arms on the table)

Attendee 3: (Sitting next to Attendee 2, pats the latter’s shoulder while looking elsewhere; mutters) There, there – get a grip.

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course, we all hesitate when faced with something new, right?  Because New = Unknown = Uncomfortable!  Well, I’m here to get you out of your comfort zone and plunge headfirst into the infinity pool that is Life!  Now, everyone, stand up!  (No one moves) Don’t be shy – that never gets anyone anywhere!  (Attendee 1 stands and gestures frantically for everyone else to do the same; the others stagger up, with Attendee 3 pulling up a sniffling Attendee 2) Perfect!  First, we’re going to do some deep breathing exercises….

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Dr. Do-It-Now and Attendees 4, 5, and 6 are sitting cross-legged in a circle on the podium, holding hands with each other)

Dr. Do-It-Now: Now, don’t you all feel cleansed and rejuvenated after reliving your childhood traumas for your colleagues to hear, hm?

Attendee 4: (Weeping) This has done more for me in minutes than therapy has done for me in years!

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course it has.  (To all three) You can go back to your seats now.  (Stands as the three go back to their seats; to the other attendees) Let’s give them a big round of applause for being our first victims – ha ha, I mean volunteers!  (Everyone applauds)  At this time, I want you all to take the notepads and pens that our hotel hosts generously left here for “free” so you can remember them forever, and start writing down any words you can think of to describe your life as you perceive it now, in one column, and how you want your life to be in a second column, and then in a third column describe how you think others perceive your life, and then in a fourth column how you’d want others to perceive your life, and then in a fifth column any words that appear more than once across the other columns – you have five minutes.  (No one moves) Go-go-go!  (Attendee 2 raises a hand as everyone else starts writing) Yes?

Attendee 2: Is this school?  (Is glared at by Attendee 3)

Dr. Do-It-Now: AHAHAHAHA – you have four-and-a-half-minutes.

 10 MINUTES LATER

Attendee 7: (Standing while reading from the notepad) …and it seems I entered the words “rich,” “lonely,” and “obsessed” a lot; not sure if that means anything.

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Eyes wide with shock, then snaps out of it) That’s wonderful: let’s all give a round of applause for sharing your most private self with us, yay!  (Everyone applauds as Attendee 7 sits, smiling and blushing) Who else would like to share with us?  (Attendee 2 raises a hand again; Attendee 3 looks puzzled) Go right ahead!

Attendee 2: (Stands, clears throat, and turns the notepad around to show that all five columns are blank)

Dr. Do-It-Now: OK!  (Attendee 3 yanks Attendee 2 back down onto the chair and snatches away the notepad and pen)  Anyone else?  (Attendee 1 stands, flashes both hands wide and then one hand while mouthing “15”) Oops, that’s my signal I have 15 minutes left, so I’m going to jump ahead to the Q&A session.  But!  This is not a typical Q&A session, oh no-no-no: instead of asking me about my life, career, goals, and secret sauce, I am going to ask you all about where you want to be in your lives, and whether that where is here.  (Grabs an empty chair, plops it down in front of Attendee 8, sits leaning forward, and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) Now: tell me everything.

Attendee 8: (Compelled, leans forward to mirror Dr. Do-It-Now) Well, it all started when I started slacking off in 11^th grade….

 15 MINUTES LATER

(The entire room is standing)

Dr. Do-It-Now: I really need you to scream it back at me this time, folks: I AM WORTHY!

Attendees: I AM WORTHY!

Dr. Do-It-Now: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Attendees: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Dr. Do-It-Now: I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!

Attendees: I WILL NOT –

Venue Employee: (At the door) Excuse me?

Dr. Do-It-Now: Hello, yes – what’s up?

Venue Employee: Sorry to interrupt, but the guests on the casino floor asked if you all could keep it down a bit in here, please?

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course!  Please extend my apologies, and wish them all “good luck” for me!

Venue Employee: Thanks, but “luck” isn’t on the company payroll.  (Leaves)

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Whispering) OK, last one.

All: (Whispering) I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Regular volume) Perfect!  You can sit back down now.  (Everyone else sits as Attendee 1 waves at Dr. Do-It-Now and gestures to another speaker standing by a back door) Well, I see that our time today is up, and your next speaker is on deck – I want to thank you all for the opportunity to change your lives today, and also invite you to visit my Web site listed on your conference materials so you can download copies of those goal journals I discussed earlier; remember to fill them out every day or else they won’t work!

Attendee 2: Homework?!  Arrrrggghhhh!!!!  (Collapses onto arms sobbing again)

Attendee 3: (Rolls eyes and shakes head) Never come with me again to one of these things.

Dr. Do-It-Now: So!  That’s all I’ve got for you today – have a great rest-of-your-conference, folks, and remember to live all of your life to the max!  (Waves wildly at everyone while running out of the room in a blur of confetti; the attendees applaud enthusiastically)

Attendee 1: (Moves to the front of the room with the microphone again) Well, that certainly did the trick for me!  I am now pumped up to face the rest of today, how about you?  (The other attendees cheer) Great!  `Cause here is our next speaker, who teaches at three universities and two high schools, talking to us today about “Budgeting on a Budget,” please welcome, The Professor!

The Professor: (Walks warily to the lectern on the podium to polite muted applause as a slideshow appears on large screens; looks around the room and gestures at the stream of confetti that leads to the door where Dr. Do-It-Now had exited) Now how am I supposed to follow that?!

Story 475: I Don’t Believe in Friday the 13th

(In an office)

Coworker 1: (Trails off while typing and slowly stares into space within the cubicle) What am I doing?  Why am I here?  Who am I really?  What am – ?!

Coworker 2: (Pops head around the corner) Hey: we’re ordering from the deli downstairs for lunch, you in?

Coworker 1: (Snaps to attention) Yeah, could I have a pastrami on rye with extra pickles and smothered in ketchup, please?

Coworker 2: Unusual, but you bet.  (Starts to slide away, then pops back in again) Oh, you mind also picking it up?  No one else wants to `cause of the date.

Coworker 1: Oh no, is today a memorial or something?

Coworker 2: What?  No, it’s Friday the 13^th.  I’m surprised anyone actually came into the office.

Coworker 1: (Laughs in disbelief) Friday the 13^th?  Seriously, everyone here’s that superstitious?

Coworker 2: Clearly – this building doesn’t even have a thirteenth floor.

Coworker 1: This building was constructed in the early 1900s so your point is outdated.

Coworker 2: Well, whatever.  We all believe in it, so since you clearly don’t, you get the thrill of having to pick up lunch.

Coworker 1: But if everyone believes in today being bad luck, why’d you all even come into work?  Why didn’t you just call out sick?

Coworker 2: …It’s Free Doughnut Friday in the conference room.

Coworker 1: Ah.  Fine, I’ll pick up lunch; just give me all the money.

Coworker 2: Sure thing – you’re the best!  (Puts on a helmet and leaves)

(Coworker 1 shakes head and opens a new e-mail message that reads: “Please redo your portion of the shared file – there was a glitch and none of your edits were saved.  Thanks a bunch!”

Coworker 1: My portion?!  That took me over three hours to do!  (Stares back to where Coworker 2 had been) Hmmmm…. nah, this is just regular annoying bad luck.

(Later, Coworker 1 arrives at the downstairs deli, exhausted)

Cashier!  Hi!  Usually don’t see you around here.

Coworker 1: (Gasping for air and leaning on the counter) I drew – the short straw – in picking up – lunch – today.

Cashier:  Sure.  (Grabs a large bag with the order and leaves it on the counter)  You feeling all right?

Coworker 1: (Hands over the money with shaking arms) The elevator – wasn’t working – had to take the stairs all the way.

Cashier: That stinks.  How many flights?

Coworker 1: All of them.

Cashier: (Takes the money and rings up the order) Well, it is Friday the 13^th –

Coworker 1: Not you, too?

Cashier: (Laughs while handing over change) Only a little bit: the most I do is avoid walking under ladders, but that’s just a good safety habit, I think.

Coworker 1: Yeah.  (Freezes) Uh-oh.

Cashier: What?  Forgot somebody’s order?

Coworker 1: (Tilts head back) I just realized, I now have to walk back up all those stairs.  With extra weight.  This’ll be the most exercise I’ve gotten in years.

Cahier: Yeah.  Or, you could take the freight elevator.

Coworker 1: Huh?

Cashier: (Points to the elevators in the hallway) I’ve been seeing people use that all day.  Guess `cause the other one is broken.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the working elevator) Son of a mmmmfffff.

(Back in the office, Coworker 1 staggers into the breakroom, dumps the food bag onto the table, and collapses onto a chair; Coworker 2 enters soon afterward)

Coworker 2: (Immediately begins going through the bag) Hey: saw you come through our department, everything OK?  You took forever.

Coworker 1: (Staring at the ceiling) The regular elevator were broken, so I took the stairs.

Coworker 2: (With a mouth full of sandwich) That’s too bad – should’ve checked the freight elevator first, I think there was an e-mail about that this morning.

Coworker 1 (With gritted teeth) So I realize.

(Coworker 3 zooms into the breakroom and heads straight for the bag)

Coworker 3: (To Coworker 1) Thanks for picking these up, you’re gonna need it: turns out we all gotta stay tonight until the big project’s done.

Coworker 2: (Still with a full mouth) I thought we had another two weeks for that?

Coworker 3: Gross.  We did, and now we have until tomorrow.  Friday the 13^th strikes again, eh, chums?  (Strolls out with a sandwich)

Coworker 2: (Muffled, to Coworker 1) Told ya.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Sighs from the depths, then takes the bag and pulls out the rest of the sandwiches) …Where’s mine?!

(Late that night, Coworker 1 arrives home and stands in the entranceway, too drained to move.  After a few moments, the phone rings)

Coworker 1: Arrrrrggggghhhhh…. (Answers the call) Whaaaaaaaat?????

Coworker 2: (Voice) Just wanted to let you know that it’s after midnight so Friday the 13^th is officially over and you can relax now.

Coworker 1: Well, thank you; I wouldn’t have gotten a wink of sleep tonight if you hadn’t called me super late to tell me that very piece of nonsense.

Coworker 2: Hey, we all had a garbage day – facts don’t lie.

Coworker 1: I want to, right now, on my bed, and sleep through the entire weekend.  Bad night to you.

Coworker 2: If you’re now convinced of the power of Friday the 13^th, then brace yourself for this tidbit of trivia.

Coworker 1: Oh joy; what now?

Coworker 2: We’ve got another one coming up in nine months.