Thursday, January 19, 2023

Story 475: I Don’t Believe in Friday the 13th

(In an office)

Coworker 1: (Trails off while typing and slowly stares into space within the cubicle) What am I doing?  Why am I here?  Who am I really?  What am – ?!

Coworker 2: (Pops head around the corner) Hey: we’re ordering from the deli downstairs for lunch, you in?

Coworker 1: (Snaps to attention) Yeah, could I have a pastrami on rye with extra pickles and smothered in ketchup, please?

Coworker 2: Unusual, but you bet.  (Starts to slide away, then pops back in again) Oh, you mind also picking it up?  No one else wants to `cause of the date.

Coworker 1: Oh no, is today a memorial or something?

Coworker 2: What?  No, it’s Friday the 13th.  I’m surprised anyone actually came into the office.

Coworker 1: (Laughs in disbelief) Friday the 13th?  Seriously, everyone here’s that superstitious?

Coworker 2: Clearly – this building doesn’t even have a thirteenth floor.

Coworker 1: This building was constructed in the early 1900s so your point is outdated.

Coworker 2: Well, whatever.  We all believe in it, so since you clearly don’t, you get the thrill of having to pick up lunch.

Coworker 1: But if everyone believes in today being bad luck, why’d you all even come into work?  Why didn’t you just call out sick?

Coworker 2: …It’s Free Doughnut Friday in the conference room.

Coworker 1: Ah.  Fine, I’ll pick up lunch; just give me all the money.

Coworker 2: Sure thing – you’re the best!  (Puts on a helmet and leaves)

(Coworker 1 shakes head and opens a new e-mail message that reads: “Please redo your portion of the shared file – there was a glitch and none of your edits were saved.  Thanks a bunch!”

Coworker 1: My portion?!  That took me over three hours to do!  (Stares back to where Coworker 2 had been) Hmmmm…. nah, this is just regular annoying bad luck.

(Later, Coworker 1 arrives at the downstairs deli, exhausted)

Cashier!  Hi!  Usually don’t see you around here.

Coworker 1: (Gasping for air and leaning on the counter) I drew – the short straw – in picking up – lunch – today.

Cashier:  Sure.  (Grabs a large bag with the order and leaves it on the counter)  You feeling all right?

Coworker 1: (Hands over the money with shaking arms) The elevator – wasn’t working – had to take the stairs all the way.

Cashier: That stinks.  How many flights?

Coworker 1: All of them.

Cashier: (Takes the money and rings up the order) Well, it is Friday the 13th

Coworker 1: Not you, too?

Cashier: (Laughs while handing over change) Only a little bit: the most I do is avoid walking under ladders, but that’s just a good safety habit, I think.

Coworker 1: Yeah.  (Freezes) Uh-oh.

Cashier: What?  Forgot somebody’s order?

Coworker 1: (Tilts head back) I just realized, I now have to walk back up all those stairs.  With extra weight.  This’ll be the most exercise I’ve gotten in years.

Cahier: Yeah.  Or, you could take the freight elevator.

Coworker 1: Huh?

Cashier: (Points to the elevators in the hallway) I’ve been seeing people use that all day.  Guess `cause the other one is broken.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the working elevator) Son of a mmmmfffff.

(Back in the office, Coworker 1 staggers into the breakroom, dumps the food bag onto the table, and collapses onto a chair; Coworker 2 enters soon afterward)

Coworker 2: (Immediately begins going through the bag) Hey: saw you come through our department, everything OK?  You took forever.

Coworker 1: (Staring at the ceiling) The regular elevator were broken, so I took the stairs.

Coworker 2: (With a mouth full of sandwich) That’s too bad – should’ve checked the freight elevator first, I think there was an e-mail about that this morning.

Coworker 1 (With gritted teeth) So I realize.

(Coworker 3 zooms into the breakroom and heads straight for the bag)

Coworker 3: (To Coworker 1) Thanks for picking these up, you’re gonna need it: turns out we all gotta stay tonight until the big project’s done.

Coworker 2: (Still with a full mouth) I thought we had another two weeks for that?

Coworker 3: Gross.  We did, and now we have until tomorrow.  Friday the 13th strikes again, eh, chums?  (Strolls out with a sandwich)

Coworker 2: (Muffled, to Coworker 1) Told ya.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Sighs from the depths, then takes the bag and pulls out the rest of the sandwiches) …Where’s mine?!

(Late that night, Coworker 1 arrives home and stands in the entranceway, too drained to move.  After a few moments, the phone rings)

Coworker 1: Arrrrrggggghhhhh…. (Answers the call) Whaaaaaaaat?????

Coworker 2: (Voice) Just wanted to let you know that it’s after midnight so Friday the 13th is officially over and you can relax now.

Coworker 1: Well, thank you; I wouldn’t have gotten a wink of sleep tonight if you hadn’t called me super late to tell me that very piece of nonsense.

Coworker 2: Hey, we all had a garbage day – facts don’t lie.

Coworker 1: I want to, right now, on my bed, and sleep through the entire weekend.  Bad night to you.

Coworker 2: If you’re now convinced of the power of Friday the 13th, then brace yourself for this tidbit of trivia.

Coworker 1: Oh joy; what now?

Coworker 2: We’ve got another one coming up in nine months.

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