(In a condo
development, Resident checks e-mail on a phone while walking to the unit and
sees a message stating “Your package has been delivered!” above a photo of the
Resident’s front door with a small box on the ground in front of it. Resident smiles, continues walking to the
unit, then stops at the front door.
Resident stares at the empty space on the ground in front of the door,
then at the photo on the phone, then back at the empty space, several times)
Resident: (To
Neighbor walking by with a bicycle) Hey – did you see a package sitting here
earlier today?
Neighbor: Oh
yeah, I saw it when I got home around 3:00.
(Looks down at the empty space) I’m guessing you’re not the one who made
it disappear.
Resident:
No! I just got home!
Neighbor: Well
that stinks. Looks like a porch pirate
got to it first.
Resident: A what?
Neighbor: Porch
pirate. Steals people’s packages after
they’re dropped off on the porch.
Resident: We
don’t have porches!
Neighbor: Same
principle applies. They lie in wait for
the opportunity to strike, and since they’re so fast and appear so casual and
usually no one’s around, there’s almost 0% chance of them getting caught. If you have a silent witness, though, that’d
help.
Resident: What,
you mean a dog?
Neighbor: Nah, a
dog’d be mostly useless, unless you want assault charges. I’m talking about one of those. (Points to another unit’s doorbell camera)
And even then tracking the thief’s tricky, unless they look right into the lens
and hold up a sign with their name on it.
Resident: I
guess, but it’s a moot point now, I’m still just as robbed!
Neighbor:
Company’ll ship you a replacement whatever-it-was, I bet.
Resident:
That’ll get stolen, too!
Neighbor: Hm. Get a P.O. box, then? Or just never have anything delivered
again. Bottom line: there’s no surefire
way to stop porch pirates, so you just have to work around them. (Hops onto the bicycle and rings the bell
while gliding away)
Resident: Says
who?! (Unlocks the door and fumes into
the living room, flopping onto the couch while muttering) “Porch pirates” – who
do they think they are, taking people’s stuff and ruining our lives and
the economy? (Drifts into a doze)
(A
massive galleon sails into the parking lot of the condo development: 16th-century
dressed pirates hold onto various ropes and sails while shaking their swords in
the air and yelling “Arrrrrrr!!!” The
ship sails up to Resident’s front door, where a package sits on the ground; the
pirate perched off the ship’s bow leans down and snatches up the box)
Pirate:
Yoink!
Crew:
Huzzah!
(They
continue to shake their swords and yell as the ship sails down the middle of a
residential street, then stops and drops anchor on top of a parked car. The Captain (who looks like Resident)
addresses the crew from the helm)
Captain:
Ahoy there, mateys!
Crew:
Ahoy, Cap’n!
Captain:
This be another fine day of plunderin’ ahead o’ we, the crew of the mightiest
pirate ship in all the seven seas, The Rotten Cheapskates!
Crew:
Yaaaahhh!!! (Swords shake in the air)
Captain:
Now, hear me, all ye: (All crouch down in a hush while Captain sweeps arms
dramatically) the hour, be 3 o’ the clock; the residents, be still away at
work; the ones not away, be glued to the boob tube, or in the midst of a
well-deserved nap; the porches, be ours!
Crew:
Arrrr!!!!
(Captain
and Crew swing from ropes onto the street and rush to a house that has a large
box sitting on the front porch)
Captain:
(Leading with a raised sword) There she blows!
Take yer prize, ye hard workers!
Crew:
Raaaaahhhh!!!!
(They
rush up the porch steps as a figure approaches (who looks like Neighbor),
holding up a hand)
Silent
Witness: Halt, rapscallions!
(Captain
and Crew stumble to a stop on the steps; several fall off into the bushes)
Captain:
(Pointing with the sword) WHO BE YE??!!!
Silent
Witness: I am the Silent Witness!
Captain:
Not so silent right now.
Silent
Witness: Same principle applies. I am
the Protector of the Porch, Defender of the Domicile, Lover of Dogs –
Captain:
We be not afraid o’ ye! We take what we
want, and no piddlin’ peeper can stop we!
First
Mate: Us.
Captain:
Aye!
Crew:
Aye-aye!!! (Swords shake in agreement)
Silent
Witness: Too true – I cannot stop you directly, but I can record your
description and forward it to the authorities so you can be taken down by
Justice.
Captain:
Gasp! Not Justice!
Crew:
Booooooooo!!!!!
Captain:
(Shouts back to the ship) Bosun! Change
the name of the ship to The Innocent Schoolchildren!
Boatswain:
(Takes out a paint can and brush and leans over the side of the ship to paint
the new name over the old one) Aye-aye, Cap’n!
Captain:
(Turns back to Silent Witness) There – that oughta do it.
Silent
Witness: It really won’t.
Captain:
Bilge rats and barnacles! (Captain and Crew
begin retreating backwards to the ship) Ye may have won this round, but we
shall return and claim our treasure!
Silent
Witness: I’ll still be here.
Captain:
Blasting cannonade! (Hops back onto the
bow and stands with sword raised as the ship lurches forward, nearly knocking
off Boatswain who still is painting the new name on the side) Onward to new
lands! (There is a massive screeching
sound behind the ship as it sails down the street) Would someone hoist the blinkin’
anchor?! (Crew scramble to hoist the
anchor as they turn down a different street) This is why we have processes in
place, mateys!
Crew:
Apologies, Cap’n!
(Captain
stares through a telescope for several minutes, then points in the distance)
Captain:
There! Off the port bow! Follow that delivery truck!
Crew:
Aye-aye-arrrrr!!!!
(They
follow the truck until it stops in front of a house; Captain and Crew leap from
the ship and are there as the courier returns from dropping off a package on
the porch)
Courier:
(Stares at Captain and Crew, who are all smiling in friendship) Yeah, I’m
out. (Drives away)
Captain:
(Points to the package) All right, ye adorable scalawags: seize that there booty!
Crew:
Yaaaah!!!
(They
swarm the porch, then stumble to a stop when they see a figure sitting on a
swing)
Granny:
(Knitting) Why, hello there. Would you
like some lemonade?
Captain:
(Looks around the porch entire) Common folk still sit out on these things?!
(Resident
suddenly wakes from the doze)
Resident:
Wow. That was unexpectedly vivid. (Stands, takes out the phone, and dials the
company’s customer service number to report the theft, pausing to stare wistfully
out the front window) I wish I had a porch.
