(While walking from the car to the condo unit, Resident checks a message on the phone that shows a package had been delivered; on arrival at the front door, it is seen that no package awaits. Squinting closer at the photo of the delivery on the phone, realization dawns upon Resident)
Resident: Wait a minute – that is not my front door! (Looks at own front door and back at the photo again to confirm) They delivered it to the wrong address! Great, how am I ever gonna figure out which – (Recognizes the “Keep Out!” and similar signs posted on the door in the photo) oh it’s the next hallway over.
(Resident goes to the next hallway over, stares at the now-empty space where the package was delivered, and knocks on the door. On the other side, a figure wearing a stereotypical pirate outfit opens it with one hand while holding an umbrella drink in the other; a large group of similarly-dressed colleagues are assembled in the living room, partying with DJ’d music)
Captain: (To Resident) Ahoy, matey – who be ye?
Resident: Hi, I’m your neighbor from the next hallway over –
Captain: Aye?
Resident: – and I had a package delivered today –
Captain: Aye?
Resident: – and I think it was delivered here by mistake.
Captain: Aye.
Resident: …Well?
Captain: Aye?
Resident: Was it delivered here?
Captain: Aye. `Twas. (Reaches over to a nearby table and holds up a pair of novelty socks) These be it?
Resident: Ah, yes, great! (The two stare at each other for a few moments) Soooo….
Captain: Aye?
Resident: Could I have them back then?!
Captain: Nay. (Tosses away the socks; they land on a dancing crew member)
Resident: What?!
First Mate: (Shouts from serving drinks at the bar stationed next to a lamp table) N – A – Y; means “No.”
Resident: I know what “Nay” means! (Back to Captain) Why not?!
Captain: You see, young me-hearty, me and me crew here have recently retired from plunderin’ the high seas, so now rather than us goin’ to get the booty, we take the booty that be comin’ to us, you savvy?
Dancing Crew: Savvyyyyyy!!!!
Resident: Well, no, that’s not right – it was clearly addressed to me!
Captain: Ah, but in cases such as these, possession be 10/10ths of the law.
Dancing Crew: Yarrrrr!!!
Resident: (Holds up the phone with the screen facing Captain) But the courier who messed this up sent me a picture of it, so you’ve gotta give it back `cause the courts’ll side with me anyway!
Captain: (Downs the rest of the umbrella drink, smashes the glass onto a nearby wall, and draws a cutlass to point at Resident) What need we of courts when this can be settled as true buccaneers of the seven seas, eh, matey?
Dancing Crew: Arrrrr!!!
Captain: Aye.
Dancing Crew: Ayyyyye!!!
Resident: I’m not fighting you!
Captain: Aha! Ye be a coward, then!
Resident: I be – I mean, I’m not getting into a knife fight over a pair of socks!
Captain: How dare ye! This be a cutlass! (Shakes said cutlass in Resident’s face) It can slice a grapefruit in perfect twain and yet leave the pulp entirely intact with nary a drop spilt – let us see a piddlin’ knife do that, I ask ye!
Resident: Whatever: I’ll just call the cops on you for theft of property and threat of dismemberment. (Starts dialing)
Captain: What about yer sense of honor?!
First Mate: (Shouts from the bar) But Captain, we have none.
Captain: Stow yer blowhole!
Resident: (On the phone) Yes, I’ll hold. (To Captain) Everywhere you call lately, they put you on hold immediately.
Captain: We’ll be havin’ none of yer first world problems around here, matey! (Uses the cutlass to pick up the socks from where they had been dumped onto the couch at some point and flings them at Resident, who fumblingly catches them) That booty was acquired fair and square, but in the spirit of high adventure, we gift them back to ye. (Bows graciously)
Resident: (Disconnects the call and shakes the socks at Captain) That’s all you had to do from the beginning. (Starts to leave when Captain holds out the cutlass to block the path)
Captain: (Leans in toward Resident) Next time, matey, we be keepin’ the spoils. Permanently.
Dancing Crew: Huzzah!
Captain: (Turns back to Crew) Another round! Me throat’s extremely parched with all this negotiatin`!
Dancing Crew: Ayyyye!!!!
(Captain slams the door and the dance music is raised to even higher decibels)
Resident: (Walks back to the other hallway while shaking head in disbelief, looks down at the socks, holds them out, and stops) I don’t believe it – they shipped me the wrong size!
