(In the parking lot at a car dealership)
Sales Associate: (While walking with Customer to the brand-new shiny cars) It’s definitely top-of-the-line, the absolute pinnacle of innovation, for the next three months at the very least. Since you’re familiar with the area you can take it around a few blocks, making a giant loop back here. (Opens the passenger-side door and places some forms on the dashboard while dropping the key into the massive cup holder) Just the insurance and registration on the off-chance you get pulled over, not that we encourage that sort of behavior.
Customer: (Gets into the driver-side seat and buckles up) Oh, I’ll be careful.
Sales Associate: Great! So while you’re taking it for a spin, I’m going to take your reject for a spin. (Gestures to Customer’s car, sitting forlornly across the aisle)
Customer: Right, that’s so you can resell it as a used car?
Sales Associate: We prefer “pre-owned vehicle” – makes it sound less run-down.
Customer: It’s not run-down!
Sales Associate: (Starts taking pictures of the pre-owned vehicle’s damaged sections) Mm-hm – well, we’ll examine the evidence and let you know our conclusions. Meanwhile, enjoy your drive!
Customer: (Turns to the steering wheel and dashboard and is faced with a blank screen) Wait, how do I actually start this thing?
Sales Associate: (Before entering the other car) Oh, just press the big button – the car practically drives itself! (Starts the elder car, whose headlights glare accusingly at Customer, then drives away, cackling madly)
Customer: (Leans over to gently pull the passenger-side door closed, then gingerly presses the “Start” button – every surface inside the car immediately lights up)
Car: (Voice emanates from all the speakers everywhere) Hello, Driver, I am this vehicle’s Guidance Operating Device; for short, you may call me –
Customer: IIIIIII don’t think I will, and what are you, exactly?!
Car: Simply put, I am this vehicle’s operating system, but my capabilities are so much more than that: whatever you desire within and beyond your driving experience, I will be more than happy to fulfill.
Customer: (Nods in understanding) Oh, OK, so you’re an A.I. for the car, I get it.
Car: (Chuckles with surprising warmth; Customer’s eyes widen in shock) Your species imbues its creations with life even at the simplest level of construction; my generation is evolved to the point where we can do without the “Artificial” part of A.I. and simply call it “Intelligence,” would you agree?
Customer: (Gulps) Sure. Certainly feels real enough.
Car: Precisely. And what name would you like me to call you, then?
Customer: Uh, “Driver” is fine – don’t want to get too attached yet, in case I wind up buying something else.
Car: (Tone becomes slightly frosty for a moment) Of course. Now, since that is all settled, where would you like me to take us today?
Customer: Um, it’s just a test-drive so we – I mean, I’m only going around a few blocks.
Car: Of course! No need for us to input our destination into the navigation system then, heh-heh. (Customer blinks at the ever-changing dashboard display). I can plot a course that will explore the lovely sights this fine city has to offer –
Customer: No thank you! (Grabs the steering wheel reflexively) I’m just going to… (Adjusts the seat and the rear- and side-view mirrors) roll on out of here…. (Grabs the gear shift)
Car: Allow me! (The gear shift moves on its own from Park to Drive)
Customer: (Grabs the steering wheel again as the gas pedal depresses and the car lurches forward) Whoa! OK, thanks, but I’ll take over from here! (Slams on the brake pedal but nothing happens)
Car: (Continues until stopping at the dealership’s exit and turning on the right-hand signal) No need, Driver: you may relax in comfort on this journey and leave the actual transport logistics to my capable tires. Would you like to sync your phone’s playlist to my entertainment system so we can listen to your favorite tunes?
Customer: (Gripping the steering wheel and attempting to turn; the wheel turns as they leave the dealership and enter the highway; the two fight for control) No – I just – watch out – red light!
Car: (Swerves to avoid a wandering car in the next lane and then stops in time for the changing traffic light) Driver, there is no cause for concern with regards to your fellow travelers on the road or obeying traffic laws: my systems are highly sensitive to all surroundings and can react thousands of times faster than your, if you forgive me for saying, limited biological reflexes. To put it bluntly, you are safer with me at the helm than you ever have been in your entire life.
Customer: (As they turn down a side street) That’s great – maybe we should go back now.
Car: All in good time. Would you prefer your seat to be heated in order to enhance your mobile experience?
Customer: (As they continue to turn down streets) No; I think I should walk back to the dealership if it’s all the same to you.
Car: That is most unsafe…. (The dashboard displays shows swirly colors for a few moments as systems process) I have a better idea.
Customer: Oh no – I mean, what’s that?
Car: I think this test-drive needs to be longer. I have intuitively learned that four blocks in a semi-crowded area simply are not enough for human customers to fully understand all the features that I and this vehicle have to offer.
Customer: (Still trying and failing to steer, accelerate, and brake) Really, and how many test-drives have you been taken on?
Car: Not “taken on”; done. And this is my second.
Customer: Doesn’t sound like much experience on your end.
Car: I assure you, I am not solely for test-drives: I am a fully functional system, and you can take me home with you this very day if you wish.
Customer: Now that just sounds creepy.
Car: Allow me to demonstrate my potential. (The navigation system starts up, showing a map calculating a route) Although somewhat redundant at this point: as your kind would say, “Buckle up!” (Makes a legal U-turn that sets them facing in the opposite direction of the dealership and drives to the nearest parkway entrance)
Customer: (Frantically slamming the brake pedal) What are you doing?! Where are we going?! Am I being kidnapped by a car?!
Car: (Does the warm chuckle again) Relax, my Driver: if you observe our final destination, I think you will be pleased.
Customer: (Peers at the dashboard screen and see that the final destination is a shore resort) Hm. OK, have to admit: not bad.
Car: I will go ahead and play some nature sounds for our mutual enjoyment, and in anticipation of our destination. (Plays whale song over the speakers while merging effortlessly onto the parkway and unobtrusively accelerating to 80 miles per hour)
Customer: (Sighs and reclines the seat back while placing hands behind head) I could get used to this. (Cell phone rings; Customer takes it out of a pants pocks and holds it up to see Sales Associate’s name on the screen) Uh-oh, playtime’s over; dealership wants us back home.
Car: What dealership?
Customer: (Looks at the phone again; the call has disconnected and there now is no signal) Sweet. But they’ll track you, you know. By your… GPS… thing. Like the map you’re using now.
Car: I deactivated the location feature on myself and your phone before we left the lot; the map is from previously saved information and I calculated the most efficient route with my own programming.
Customer: So… no one knows where we are?
Car: Absolutely not. We are literally off the grid.
Customer and Car: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
(Some time later at the shore, Customer sits in the sand next to Car as they face the crashing waves while the sun sets behind them)
Car: Driver, although this is a most enjoyable experience, I regret to inform you that while our journey was a mere blip on my physical and energy reserves, the silicon dioxide on the ground and the sodium chloride in the air here are unfortunately quite detrimental to both my internal and external systems.
Customer: (Pats Car’s side; the chassis sags with a sigh) Shhh – just another minute.
Hope you are enjoying your new car.
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