Story 340: Cooking by Substitution

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(In a home kitchen, Chef pops up from behind the counter)

Chef: Hello, culinary world, and welcome to the first episode of my new show, “Home Cooking Fancy Meals” – hold up, doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud – “Fancy Meals Using Home Cooking”?  “Fancy Cooking for Home Meals”?  “Fancy Home Cooking Fancy Meals”?  Whatever; I’ll figure it out later.  Now – (Heaves up a 16-quart stock pot from a lower shelf and drops it loudly onto the counter) let’s begin, shall we?

(Jump cut to Chef surrounded by vegetables, spices, and knives)

Chef: Our soup recipe calls for kale, but the store was all out when I went there and I am not going back again, so we’ll make do with chard – close enough, and soup’s not gonna complain, am-I-right?  (Begins chopping wildly; chard flies everywhere; this goes on for some time) 

Chef: (Wipes brow) Whoo, that was a workout – if any of you folks out there are ambidextrous, you can multitask by making dinner and having your arm day at the same time.  And on to the beans!  (Starts opening many cans) If the recipe calls for low sodium beans but your local store insists on only stocking triple-digit milligrams of the stuff, just run them under the water for a bit and wash all that heart-clogging salt down the drain, yippee!  (While rinsing beans in a colander, Chef picks up a can and reads the label) Huh, this was a low-sodium one after all – I retract my previous slander.  (Begins dumping beans into the pot) By the way, don’t feel obligated to get the exact type of bean listed in the recipe – when it comes down to it, a bean’s a bean’s a bean, know-what-I-mean, heh-heh-heh?  All the flavor’s gonna be cooked out of them anyway, so who cares if it’s kidney or cannellini?

Off-Screen Voice: That’s the same thing.

Chef: I told you earlier – you don’t exist in this video!

(Jump cut to more can-opening)

Chef: (Struggling with an opener on a small can) Now, you may find that when you start making your fancy meal, you picked up one item by mistake when the recipe calls for another – is it your fault you read “tomato paste” on your shopping list when your smudged handwriting actually said “tomato puree?”  (Finally removes the lid) Well yes, it is, but one makes do.  (Dumps tomato paste into the pot and stirs with resistance) Honestly, I think they just market different ways of chopping up the same vegetable to get you to buy more, don’t you agree?  Comment below!

Off-Screen Voice: Comments’ll say tomato’s a fruit.

Chef: Troll.

(Jump cut to Chef pouring broth into the pot)

Chef: Recipe says “12 ounces of chicken broth”; I got a quart of vegetable broth.  (Leans towards the camera to whisper) I won’t tell if you won’t.

Off-Screen Voice: You just told the world.

Chef: Oh for –

(Jump cut to a line-up of spices)

Chef: Right: fresh garlic, fresh basil, fresh parsley… don’t exist in this kitchen, so we’re using these handy-dandy dried-up versions.  (Begins sprinkling a bit of each into the mixture in the pot, which is now on the stove) And folks, don’t let little things like “teaspoons” and “cloves” and “liters” and whatnot scare you off: let your eye and your heart be the judge – cooking is by feel, dagnabbit!  (A lid on one of the containers falls off into the pot, with a bunch of the spice falling in after) Oops.  Reverse, reverse!  (Begins scooping out the lid and some of the excess spice with a spoon)

(Jump cut to closer view of Chef stirring a reddish mixture in the pot) Doesn’t really match the picture – but it never does, am-I-right?

            Off-Screen Voice: It should at least be close.

            Chef: Nobody asked you!

            Off-Screen Voice: You literally just did.

            (Chef throws a towel at the camera; jump cut to Chef turning down the heat on the stove)

           Chef: So, since it’s reached boiling, we’re now going to turn down the heat to let it simmer for… (Looks at a cookbook) four hours?!  That can’t be right; I’m hungry now!  (Looks closer at the page) Oh, this was supposed to be for a slow cooker.  Well, since I don’t have one, simmering on the stove for half an hour should be just as good if not better, don’t you agree?

            (Jump cut to Chef sitting at a table with a bowl of the soup and a spoon)

          Chef: And now, to taste the final results of all our hard work today!  (Eats a spoonful and smacks lips) Hm.  A bit bland, and more of a stew than a soup, but there you have it!  Fancy meal with all the self-contained trimmings, right in your very own home!  Thank you for watching; if you enjoyed this even a tiny bit, please hit “Like” and “Subscribe” below so I get sponsors and can embed commercials for them, thanks much, I love you all!

            Off-Screen Voice: You forgot the cheese topping.

            Chef: Turn off the camera.