[Online video
titled “Remember to Insert Title Later”; currently has 5,372 views and two
likes]
(In a home
kitchen, Chef pops up from behind the counter)
Chef: Hello,
culinary world, and welcome to the first episode of my new show, “Home Cooking
Fancy Meals” – hold up, doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud – “Fancy Meals
Using Home Cooking”? “Fancy Cooking for
Home Meals”? “Fancy Home Cooking Fancy
Meals”? Whatever; I’ll figure it out
later. Now – (Heaves up a 16-quart stock
pot from a lower shelf and drops it loudly onto the counter) let’s begin, shall
we?
(Jump cut to
Chef surrounded by vegetables, spices, and knives)
Chef: Our soup
recipe calls for kale, but the store was all out when I went there and I am not
going back again, so we’ll make do with chard – close enough, and soup’s not
gonna complain, am-I-right? (Begins
chopping wildly; chard flies everywhere; this goes on for some time)
Chef: (Wipes
brow) Whoo, that was a workout – if any of you folks out there are
ambidextrous, you can multitask by making dinner and having your arm day at the
same time. And on to the beans! (Starts opening many cans) If the recipe calls
for low sodium beans but your local store insists on only stocking
triple-digit milligrams of the stuff, just run them under the water for a bit
and wash all that heart-clogging salt down the drain, yippee! (While rinsing beans in a colander, Chef
picks up a can and reads the label) Huh, this was a low-sodium one after
all – I retract my previous slander.
(Begins dumping beans into the pot) By the way, don’t feel obligated to
get the exact type of bean listed in the recipe – when it comes down to it, a
bean’s a bean’s a bean, know-what-I-mean, heh-heh-heh? All the flavor’s gonna be cooked out of them
anyway, so who cares if it’s kidney or cannellini?
Off-Screen
Voice: That’s the same thing.
Chef: I told you
earlier – you don’t exist in this video!
(Jump cut to
more can-opening)
Chef:
(Struggling with an opener on a small can) Now, you may find that when you
start making your fancy meal, you picked up one item by mistake when the recipe
calls for another – is it your fault you read “tomato paste” on your
shopping list when your smudged handwriting actually said “tomato puree?” (Finally removes the lid) Well yes, it is,
but one makes do. (Dumps tomato paste
into the pot and stirs with resistance) Honestly, I think they just market
different ways of chopping up the same vegetable to get you to buy more, don’t
you agree? Comment below!
Off-Screen
Voice: Comments’ll say tomato’s a fruit.
Chef: Troll.
(Jump cut to
Chef pouring broth into the pot)
Chef: Recipe
says “12 ounces of chicken broth”; I got a quart of vegetable broth. (Leans towards the camera to whisper) I won’t
tell if you won’t.
Off-Screen
Voice: You just told the world.
Chef: Oh for –
(Jump cut to a
line-up of spices)
Chef: Right: fresh
garlic, fresh basil, fresh parsley… don’t exist in this kitchen, so we’re using
these handy-dandy dried-up versions.
(Begins sprinkling a bit of each into the mixture in the pot, which is
now on the stove) And folks, don’t let little things like “teaspoons” and “cloves”
and “liters” and whatnot scare you off: let your eye and your heart be the
judge – cooking is by feel, dagnabbit!
(A lid on one of the containers falls off into the pot, with a bunch of
the spice falling in after) Oops. Reverse, reverse! (Begins scooping out the lid and some of the excess
spice with a spoon)
(Jump cut to
closer view of Chef stirring a reddish mixture in the pot) Doesn’t really match
the picture – but it never does, am-I-right?
Off-Screen
Voice: It should at least be close.
Chef:
Nobody asked you!
Off-Screen
Voice: You literally just did.
(Chef
throws a towel at the camera; jump cut to Chef turning down the heat on the
stove)
Chef:
So, since it’s reached boiling, we’re now going to turn down the heat to let it
simmer for… (Looks at a cookbook) four hours?!
That can’t be right; I’m hungry now!
(Looks closer at the page) Oh, this was supposed to be for a slow
cooker. Well, since I don’t have one,
simmering on the stove for half an hour should be just as good if not better, don’t
you agree?
(Jump
cut to Chef sitting at a table with a bowl of the soup and a spoon)
Chef:
And now, to taste the final results of all our hard work today! (Eats a spoonful and smacks lips) Hm. A bit bland, and more of a stew than a soup,
but there you have it! Fancy meal with
all the self-contained trimmings, right in your very own home! Thank you for watching; if you enjoyed this even
a tiny bit, please hit “Like” and “Subscribe” below so I get sponsors and can
embed commercials for them, thanks much, I love you all!
Off-Screen
Voice: You forgot the cheese topping.
Chef:
Turn off the camera.
