Story 534: Easter Washout

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 2: (On phone) Not much – just wanted to wish you and your family a Happy Easter!

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  Normally I’d wish you and your family a Happy Passover at the same time, but apparently the lunar cycles went rogue and we’re not holiday buddies this year.

Friend 2: Oh well, it happens.  So, you still heading out to your cousins’ house for dinner today?

Friend 1: But of course: as long as I never have to host any of these things, I’m happy.

Friend 2: It’s just that all the rain we’ve had this week’s overflowed the creeks and rivers and swamps and there’s flooding everywhere.

Friend 1: Oh.  Right.  The rain.  How I loathe it.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s been a bit of a drag lately – I know we’re coming up on “April showers bring May flowers,” but this is ridiculous.

Friend1: What May flowers?!  It’s been raining nonstop since September so all the flowers who eventually appear will drown!

Friend 2: It hasn’t been that bad –

Friend 1: It has too been that bad!  I didn’t realize this part of the country had transformed into Seattle sometime in the last 10 years, yet here we are!  I was shocked that one day in February we actually had snow when it was zip in that department for a straight 23 months!

Friend 2: Great, no frost; the flowers should be fine, then.

Friend 1: No, no!  This half of the Earth didn’t properly hibernate and reset, so when it’s time for flowers to bloom there’ll be bupkis instead!  The constant deluge will wash all the seeds away, and whatever managed to hang on will wait until July when it’s finally dry enough to emerge, then poke their heads out of the ground for two seconds just in time to shrivel up and die because it now over 100°F in the shade!

Friend 2: It’s not that terrible – I still see plenty of flowers out in the spring.

Friend 1: What spring?!  We get cold rain and warm rain, and that’s it!  And today’s Easter, the holiday of renewal and rebirth, and all I see are no flowers, and sheets and sheets of polluted water!

Friend 2: Well, maybe next week’ll be better since it’ll be the start of April.

Friend 1: The Earth doesn’t know that it’s April next week!  All it knows is it’s got a fever that it’s trying and failing to sweat out!

Friend 2: OK, anyway, you have a Happy Easter regardless of having to row to your family dinner – I’m hanging up now.

Friend 1: Thanks.  If my cousins’ house is now surrounded by a moat though, I am turning around and rowing back home, I don’t care how much chocolate the Easter Bunny has waiting for me.

Friend 2: Wow.  Situation must be worse than I thought.

Friend 1: You have no idea.

Story 533: House-and-Pet Sitter for Hire

 WEDNESDAY MORNING

            (Employee lies on the couch playing a video game on a tablet, pausing it when the phone rings)

Employee: Hey, what’s up?

Manager: (Voice) You do realize that the third no-call/no-show means you’re fired, don’t you?

Employee: Oh yeah, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that: I really can’t take the toxic work environment there anymore, so I decide not to expose myself to it ever again.  I probably won’t get unemployment either, but I figured the trade-off was worth it in the long run.

Manager: (Voice) …Please take me with you.

Employee: Sure, it’s amazingly easy to do.  Requires literally no effort on your part.

Manager: (Voice) …No, what am I saying?!  I can’t cold-bloodedly commit – (Whispers) “Job Abandonment”!  (Normal volume) How would I sleep at night?!

Employee: Same as you do every night, only with less stress I’d bet.

Manager: (Voice; sighs) It’s all those other things too, you know: steady paycheck, health benefits, the forever-unrealized hope of an actual vacation.  You gonna be OK with all that gone now?

Employee: Yeah, I’ll be fine – I’ll figure out something.

Manager: All right: best of luck to you then, and send some of it my way while you’re at it.

Employee: I would, but I don’t share – bye!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and opens an Internet browser on the tablet) Let’s see: easy money, easy money…. (Reviews several search results) “Rideshare Driver” – ugh, driving…. “Bike Messenger” – ugh, bicycling…. “Dog Walker” – ugh, walking…. Oh hello, what’s this?  “House-and-Pet Sitter Needed ASAP”.  (Pulls up a description of the position which includes a photo of a ginormous mansion) Yeah, dogs are walking right to the ol’ backyard – I’m in.  (Accepts the posting and leaps off the couch to pack an overnight bag and take a bus to the mansion)

 ONE HOUR LATER

            (Employee struggles up a steep hill to the mansion, gasping and sweating under the hot Sun.  At the end of the driveway, Employee grabs onto the gate for support which causes it to swing open)

Employee: Aw, how thoughtful.  (Struggles up the long, long driveway; on reaching the house and lumbering up many steps to the front entrance, the door suddenly flings opens to reveal Employer wearing a nice suit, light gloves, and a long coat with a dog excitedly barking nearby)

Employer: (Hurriedly) Hi, you’re the one who answered the ad right away?

Employee: (Hunched over at the knees to catch breath; gives a slight wave) Yep – [GASP] – that’s me.

Employer: Great, come on in!  (Turns around and trots through a hallway into the kitchen, followed by the eager dog.  Employee, recovered, strolls in afterward, eyes widening while slowly taking in the massive luxury all around) In here!

Employee: Right!  (Lightly jogs in to the kitchen)

Employer: (Ripping open a large bag of high quality dog food) Yeah, I’m kind of in a hurry – I have to get going soon, but first I had to go out and get some more dog food since the bowls were ABSOLUTELY EMPTY!  (Nearly spills out the food with a massive tear)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Pours a lot of food into a bowl) Sorry, it’s just – seeing this – argh!  And the water bowls were empty, too!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Looks back at Employee) Yes!  You understand!  (Brings the overflowing bowl down to the floor to the patiently waiting dog, who devours the contents; rubs the dogs ears soothingly) Yes my love, you were literally starving weren’t you, yes you were!  (Gives a pat on the head, stands to grab another bowl, opens the refrigerator, takes out a fancy water bottle, and pours its contents into the bowl) Unbelievable.  And to top it off, there were no treats in sight either so I had to pick up those, too!  (Gestures to another bag on the counter)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: So, what you see here?  Twice a day, 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.; treat around 1; pretty simple, right?

Employee: Right.

Employer: And the backyard’s immense, so let sweetums here do business wherever there.

Employee: …If you insist.

Employer: (Sets down the full water bowl next to the food; the dog then begins lapping that up furiously as Employer rubs the ears again) So thirsty, my love!  That’s just terrible…. (Clenches other hand)

Employee: (Has been looking around the kitchen unobtrusively) So, that go for all the dogs, then?

Employer: (Looks up at Employee) Hm?

Employee: (Gestures to the other bowls laid out near the still-drinking dog) Looks like there are about five dogs here.

Employer: (Focuses on rubbing the dog’s back) Oh, the other four ran off earlier this morning.

Employee: Oh!  (Cringes slightly) Do you… want me to go look for them?

Employer: (Sharply) They’re better off!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Gives one last pat and stands again) So!  Let me give you the five-minute tour.  (Opens wide the combination freezer-fridge for Employee to see) Eat all the food you want here and in the pantry. 

Employee: Mmm….

Employer: (Gestures Employee to follow into multiple living/game rooms) Watch and play anything you want, even if it says credit card payment’s required.

Employee: Ooh….

(They both walk upstairs, followed by the dog)

Employer: (Opening bedroom and bathroom doors) Sleep anywhere and everywhere you like, and use all the soaps and towels you want.

Employee: Ooohhhh….

Employer: (Opens the door to a massive closet in the master bedroom) Wear anything that takes your fancy in here, including the shoes.

Employee: Oooohhhh – although I don’t think I’m quite the right size.

Employer: I’m sure there’s something that’ll do; keep whatever you want from here.

Employee: Ha-ha-ha – seriously?!

Employer: You have no idea.

Employee: Umm….

(They go back downstairs and out the back door, sans dog, to survey the adventure park that is the backyard)

Employer: (Points to each area) Inground heated pool – tennis court – go-kart track – bouncy castle.  Any supplies not already out here are in the shed; lock’s busted so you can go right in.

Employee: Cool.

(They walk over to the open garage)

Employer: (Opens one of the five cars parked inside and grabs a set of keys from under the driver’s side Sun visor) You drive?

Employee: When the situation calls for it.

Employer: (Tosses the keys to Employee, who almost fumbles catching them) It’s yours – consider it your payment since I don’t have cash handy.  Title’ll be transferred to your name later.

Employee: (Stares at the keys and Employer in disbelief) No way!  (Eyes narrow in suspicion) What’s the catch?

Employer: No catch; just do exactly what you were hired for.  (Both walk back into the house; Employer picks up the waiting dog and pets the latter affectionately) Especially take care of this precious little lovey-wovey dumpling!

Employee: (Pockets the car keys) Oh, I definitely will.

Employer: Good.  (Sets down the dog with one last pat) Well, I’m off – call 911 if you need anything.  (Heads to the front door)

Employee: (Follows in slight confusion, with the dog not far behind) Wait a minute, is there a security system I should set or something?  Or house keys in case I need to go out, even though I really don’t want to, ever?

Employer: (Chuckles) Don’t worry about it.  (Employee double-takes; Employer reaches the front door, scoops up a large sack that was sitting on the floor next to it, and turns to the former) It’s posted all over social media that the trip’s done by Monday night around 7:00 so please leave before then, and wipe down everything you touched before you go.

Employee: (Slightly crestfallen) Right, of course.

Employer: (Opens the front door, then turns to Employee again) Oh, one more thing: feel free to trash the place.

Employee: (Laughs, then stops at Employer’s somber face) What?

Employer: Seriously: trash it.  It’ll bring me joy.  (Smiles down at the dog, standing next to Employee with tail wagging in glee) Bye-bye, baby!  (Blows kisses to the dog and leaves with a slamming door, followed soon after by the sounds of a revving engine and screeching tires)

Employee: (Stares down at the dog, who merrily stares back) If this is a dream, I don’t wanna wake up.  (Proceeds to spend the next six days living in luxury, using everything inside and outside the mansion and having a blast with the dog as they play all day, every day to Employee’s mental soundtrack of party songs)

MONDAY – 7:00 P.M.

(Employee is napping curled up with the dog on a couch while a paid move plays on the giant TV in the main living room when the front door opens)

Employee: (Stirring awake as the dog sits up and begins to bark, then checks watch) Oh, shoot, honeymoon’s over – gonna get kicked out of paradise now.  (Rubs face while slowly getting up; the dog bounces off the couch and trots over to the stranger who enters the living room with a wheeled suitcase and a garment bag; both humans freeze on seeing each other)

Stranger: Who the blazes are you?!

Employee: I could ask you the very same question.

Stranger: I live here!  (Uses a leg to shoo away the dog trying to cuddle)

Employee: Oh.  Well, your spouse or butler or whoever hired me to watch the place and the dog, so….

Stranger: (Still shooing away the dog while setting down the suitcase and the bag) What in the world are you talking about?

Employee: (Rubs eyes some more) Yeah, sorry I’m still here when you got back; I was told I should leave before now, but you know when you get really comfortable –

Stranger: Hold on, hold on – told by who?  I’m the only one who lives here!

Employee: (Blinks a few times) Umm… I am extremely confused right now….

Stranger: (Walks to a panel on a wall) Yep: security system’s busted – gate was left wide open – (Sees that the other rooms are very lived in) – place is a mess, and I bet half my stuff is gone.  (Takes out a cell phone and starts dialing) You’re the most inept thief ever.  Don’t even think about running – I’m calling the cops.

Employee: (Finally wakes up fully and also takes out a cell phone) Whoa-whoa-whoa, don’t call the cops – yet; I just answered a job ad!  (Brings up the ad and holds out the phone to Stranger)

Stranger: What?

Employee: An ad!  For a house-and-pet sitter!  (Hands over the phone to Stranger, then looks down at the expectant dog) Speaking of which – time for your extra treat!  (Employee and the dog skip into the kitchen as Stranger slowly follows while reading the posting; Employee feeds the dog a biscuit) I probably started a bad habit with this, but when those big eyes look at you so sweetly, how can we mere humans resist?  (Rubs the dog’s ears fondly)

Stranger: (Hands the phone back to Employee, who stands to take it) I didn’t place this ad.

Employee: (Pockets the phone with a shrug) Oh, well, like I said, that cousin or personal assistant or whoever hired me.

Stranger: And like I said, I’m the only one who lives here!  (Suddenly looks around the kitchen) And where are all the other beasts?!

Employee: (Raises eyebrows) I was told that the other dogs ran off before I got here.

Stranger: What?!  They were worth thousands more than that little runt who stayed behind!  (Employee protectively picks up the dog as Stranger darts over to the door that leads to the garage and turns on a light in there, voice echoing from below) Ah!  My favorite car’s gone!  (Employee surreptitiously takes keys out of a pants pocket and sticks them in a random drawer as Stranger runs back into the kitchen and points to the former) You!  Follow me!  Now!

Employee: (Petting the oblivious dog) Must I?

Stranger: Yes!

(They go upstairs to see the very lived-in bedrooms and bathrooms)

Employee: (Sheepishly, still cuddling the dog) I’ll clean all this up.

Stranger: (Seething) Don’t bother – it might mess up the evidence.  (Strides into the master bedroom, flings open the closet door, pauses momentarily at the sight of disheveled clothes and shoes, and crouches down to the floor safe)

Employee: (As face is being licked by the dog) Should I step outside for a minute?

Stranger: (Gritting teeth while entering a code) No point.  (Opens the safe, which only contains a folded piece of paper)

Employee: (Peers over Stranger’s shoulder as the latter takes out the paper with a hand shaking in anger) I’m assuming it wasn’t that empty when you last left it.

Stranger: No it was not.  (Opens up the note)

Employee: (Shifts the dog slightly to read over Stranger’s shoulder) “Consider yourself lucky – next time I’ll call the ASPCA for suspected animal cruelty.”

(Stranger stands suddenly and faces Employee)

Stranger: How much money you want to keep the dog and never breathe a word about any of this to a single soul?

Employee: (Nuzzling the contentedly napping dog) No worries – I’ve been paid enough.

Story 532: The Spaceship Captain Who Can’t Even Anymore

 [Not based on a true story; I’m just on a Star Trek kick lately and this is a sort-of parody of those series]

(On the minimally staffed bridge of a slightly run-down spaceship, Destination: Unknown)

Captain: (Slouching in The Big Chair and staring broodingly at the various crew members at their various stations doing their various tasks, then at the main viewscreen showing the same images of stars, galaxies, and deceptive nothingness streaking by.  With a full-bodied sigh, hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: Space Date 4… 3… 2… 1...?  It’s March 14, 2724 – I barely learned the metric system on Earth, you think I’m gonna learn another standardized set of measurements more random than the English system?  Whatever: just doing the obligatory check-in where I note that it’s business as usual.  We continue on our unending mission to who-knows-where in order to do who-knows-what, getting into all sorts of shenanigans along the way.  Whoever’s bright idea it was to stick hundreds of terrestrial-based beings into an oversized tin can, continuously pump fake atmosphere into it, use controlled explosions to shoot it off into a vacuum and hope for the best, oughta be smacked upside the head.  I mean, what is the point of all this anyway?  Discovery?  We’re not discovering anything – every planet and celestial phenomenon we encounter as we stumble along the stars either is already known by the beings who live there, or is so incompatible with our own flora and fauna that the best we can do is point and say “Ooh that’s nice!” and move on.  Anything else messes up the civilizations that were doing perfectly fine before we got there, starts yet another war, or at best perpetuates the cycle of codependency.  And don’t get me started on what goes on board here during the downtime between stops on our improvised itinerary: we’ve got more experiments going awry than ones that have any practical application; equipment malfunctioning more often than it works that it’s a bona fide miracle we haven’t all been blown out into space or sprouted extra body parts; and half the crew hooking up with the other half that I’m frankly amazed that any work gets done.  And if I have to sign one more inane report on ship’s systems that should be running themselves at this point, I am literally going to tear my own head off.

Lieutenant: (Has been standing next to The Big Chair the entire time) Captain?

Captain: (Turns to Lieutenant) Yeah?

Lieutenant: I have a report for you to sign.

Captain: (Stares balefully at Lieutenant for several seconds) Computer: delete that log entry.

Computer: Log entry deleted.

Captain: (Takes the tablet that Lieutenant is holding out, uses a stylus to scribble at the bottom of the screen, and hands it back) All done – I feel so fulfilled.

Lieutenant: (Stares a moment at the screen) Thank you, Captain, but this doesn’t appear to be your name at the bottom.

Captain: That’s because it isn’t.

Lieutenant: May I ask – ?

Captain: I’d rather you didn’t, but go ahead.

Lieutenant: What does “TL;DR” stand for?

Captain: (Chuckles) It’s an ancient Earth phrase that comes in very handy in situations like these, Ensign.

Lieutenant: …It’s Lieutenant, actually, Captain.

Captain (Brow furrows in confusion) Since when?

Lieutenant: Since you promoted me last year.

Captain: I did?  What for?

Lieutenant: I believe the reason you gave was “Unexpected Competence.”

Captain: (Thinks for a moment, then laughs) Oh right, now I remember.  (Pointedly addresses the rest of the bridge crew) It was so rare.  (They duck their heads in shame as Captain turns to Lieutenant again) OK, we’re done; what’re you still hanging around for?

Lieutenant: I’m waiting to be dismissed, Captain.

Captain: You’re a full-grown adult, Lieutenant; you don’t need my permission to live.

Lieutenant: True, but we’re military so I do need your permission to leave.

Captain: Ugh, enough of that nonsense.  (Taps another few buttons on the arm of The Big Chair) Attention, ship inhabitants: this is obviously your Captain speaking.  New rule: when a conversion is clearly over, feel free to buzz off instead of waiting for me or any other so-called “superiors” to tell you when to go, and if turns out we’re not finished then we’ll order you back.  Captain – OUT!  (Taps another button to turn off the intercom, then stares pointedly at Lieutenant)

Lieutenant: Oh, right – bye.  (Trots to the bridge lift to exit)

Captain: (Smiling at the retreating figure) I knew I made you Lieutenant for a reason!  (Leans back in The Big Chair and starts spinning it from side-to-side, sighing again) I’m bored – somebody put on a movie!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair to face Captain) Um, Captain, we need the main viewscreen to navigate.

Captain: No you don’t – the computer and sensors are doing all the work and you’re only telling them where we want to go.  And the viewscreen just uses psychology to trick our minds into thinking we’re actually getting somewhere in a universe that has no beginning and no end.  (Pilot turns back to the controls, flabbergasted; Captain opens a panel next to The Big Chair, rummages around a bit, and pulls out a can of soda) Computer: tap into the kitten cam feed of the Humane Society in New Jersey and patch it through to the bridge’s viewscreen.

Computer: Accessing kitten cam feed.

(The starscape on the viewscreen is replaced by kittens playing with toys, napping, and overall being cute)

Captain: Heh-heh; sweet.  (Pops open the can’s tab with one hand and slurps the drink)

(An alert sounds)

Communications Officer: Captain, a ship from the star system we designated as Kepler-186 has suddenly appeared off our port bow!

Captain: (Nearly spits out the drink) “Suddenly appeared”?!  Who fell asleep at the lookout station?!

Communications Officer: Their ships have technology to hide themselves before making a dramatic entrance, Captain!

Captain: Oh right, I forgot they had that – wish we did.

Communications Officer: They’re asking us to pick up on the party line, Captain!

Captain: (Drops the soda can into the open panel and slouches again, head lolling back on The Big Chair) Arggghhh, what do those douchebags want noooow??!!

Communications Officer: We’ll probably find out in a few seconds once we pick up, Captain.

Captain: (Cracks jaw) Computer: replace the kitten cam feed with the incoming call.

Computer: Replacing kitten cam feed with incoming call.

(Kittens are replaced by the face of an angry-looking soldier)

General: Earth vessel –

Captain: (Head snaps from side to center) WHAT?!

General: (Momentarily taken aback) This is the warship –

Captain: We know what your ship’s name is, weirdo; it’s written in huge letters all over the hull.  (General is stunned into silence) WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!

General: (Regains composure) You have trespassed in our space and have 30 seconds to move along or we will bombard you with artillery!  And possibly destroy you, but that outcome’s never a guarantee.

Captain: (Rolls eyes) We’re nowhere near your space – and besides, no one owns space, it just is; none of it can be yours and you can’t tell anyone what to do or where to be!

Pilot: (Turns around again) Actually, Captain, according to a memo sent from headquarters yesterday, this sector is now considered their space.

General: Aha!  You were told!  And we do so own it!

Captain: (Finally sits up and speaks to Pilot through clenched teeth) Then why are we in it right now?

Pilot: I may have been a little distracted in my duties lately, Captain; my apologies.

Captain: …If you even hint that high-school-couples’ drama has nearly led to an intergalactic incident, I will personally court-martial the both of you.  (Pilot turns back around and focuses intently on keeping the spaceship hovering in place)

General: Well, Captain?  Will you shove off or not?

Captain: (Leans back again) So, what, you want us to move four inches to the left or something?

General: “Inches”?

Captain: How far do we have to move ourselves in order for you to be content?

General: Oh, not far – 1,000 light years should be sufficient.

Captain: (Eyes widen) Are you kidding me?!  Even at top speed that’ll take us – (Counts on fingers) over a year!  And you only gave us 30 seconds!

General: Which have now passed, so it seems you leave us no choice.  (To off-screen crew) Blast `em to smithereens, good people! 

(Call abruptly ends and General’s face is replaced by the kittens as the spaceship rocks from laser beams hitting it)

Captain: (Falls out of The Big Chair, then scrambles back onto it) Are our defenses even working?!

Tactical Officer: The outer energy fields should hold for at least another minute, Captain, so that’s something.

Captain: Unbelievable.

(Lieutenant re-enters the bridge from the lift)

Lieutenant: Captain!  (The latter whips around in The Big Chair to face the former) “Too Long; Didn’t Read”?!

Captain: (Nearly falls onto the floor again as the spaceship rocks violently) Are you for real right now?!  Get outta here, and go wherever it is you nerds hide during fights like this!

Lieutenant: (Gasps while holding onto a railing as the spaceship rocks again) You don’t even know what I do here?!

Captain: No, and I don’t care and never will, nerd!

Lieutenant: (Runs back to the bridge lift and turns around to face Captain defiantly) That’s the last time I make sure the life support system works at maximum!  (Lift doors close on anguished triumph)

Captain: Cripes.  (Spaceship rocks the hardest it has yet; Captain spins around to Tactical Officer) What’s keeping you?!  Fire back!

Tactical Officer: How so, Captain?  Lasers?  Bombs?  Sledgehammers?

Captain: (Holding onto The Big Chair’s arms for dear life) I don’t know; use your best judgement!

(Tactical Officer shrugs and hits a button; a burst of light hits the other vessel, which immediately shuts down)

Captain: What’d you do?!

Tactical Officer: Hit `em with an EMP – seemed best.

Captain: (To self) I didn’t even know we had one of those.  (Hits a few buttons on The Big Chair’s arm; General materializes on the bridge) So!  You were saying?

General: This is outrageous!  You not only trespass in our newly-declared property, but you’ve now doomed my entire crew to a slow death by suffocation or hypothermia, whichever decides to act faster!  Once our homeworld hears about this abomination, they’re gonna go nuts!

Captain: Too bad: picking a fight and then losing it spectacularly comes with the literal territory.

General: We were defending ours!

Captain: From what, our nonexistent exhaust?!

General: From your presence!  We don’t like you, and we don’t want anyone tromping through our interstellar backyard!

Captain: Feeling’s mutual, but you don’t see me blowing up your ship about it.

General: But you were told!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair) We were told, Captain.

Captain: (To Pilot) I don’t want to hear another word out of you ever again.  (To General as Pilot sheepishly turns back around) All right, since you and your homeworld are clearly going to be eternal pains about all this, I’ll make it real simple.  Computer: target the other vessel and relocate it – (Smiles demonically at General) INTO EARTH’S SUN.

General: WHAT?!

Computer: Incapable of executing command: not enough power exists on this vessel to transport that amount of mass over that amount of distance.

Captain: (Sighs and leans back to address the ceiling) I am surrounded by insubordination!  (Pushes off from The Big Chair and approaches General) Fine!  We’ll bring your crew over here, help you fix your ship, you go on your merry little way, we go on to… wherever out of here, and none of us ever speak of this again.  Happy?!

General: No, but it’ll do.

Captain: Good, `cause I’m hungry so I’m going on break.  (Trots off to the bridge lift, leaving no one in charge so everyone looks confusedly at each other)

(Hours later, the two repaired ships part ways)

Captain: (Back on the bridge, eating a candy bar; hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: The past few hours have been extremely annoying and I don’t want to talk about what happened and wind up reliving it, so I won’t.  [Crunch-Crunch] Oh yeah, one more thing: I’m writing up the entire crew for sass.  Even if they don’t to my face, I know they do behind my back.  [Crunch-Crunch] Blazes, these things are tedious – having me “Dear Diary” every five minutes when there’s an objective recorder in the background at all times is the definition of redundancy.  I mean, if the ship crash lands tomorrow, who cares what I thought about the whole thing?  No amount of self-reflection’s gonna unscramble that egg, know-what-I-mean?  [Crunch-Crunch] That’s about it – end log.  (Tosses the candy wrapper like a basketball into a nearby garbage bin) Yes!  Nothing but net.

Pilot: (Turns around in the chair) Captain, I know you never wanted to hear me speak again, but can I ask a question off the record?

Captain: (Opens another panel, grabs a pillow and blanket, reclines The Big Chair, and settles in for a nap) Like I just said if you were eavesdropping properly, the computer records everything like a spy so nothing’s ever off the record.

Pilot: Oh.

Captain: (Closes eyes) OK, what’s up?

Pilot: Well, you clearly don’t want to be out in space –

Captain: No kidding.

Pilot: – so… why did you join a space-exploring organization?  And bonus question: how did you ever get promoted to Captain?!

Captain: (Puts on a sleep mask and curls onto side) I had nothing better to do, and there was a shortage.  Now: continue flying us on our course to nowhere, and no one talk to me for the next six hours – I’ll be deep in multiple dream cycles, which are far more entertaining than this nonsense.

Story 531: In-Class Demonstration

 [Thanks to my nephew for suggesting the story idea]

(In a middle school classroom)

Teacher: (Addressing students at the beginning of class) All right, everyone, today we’re going to do something a little different –

Students: Yaaaaaay!

Teacher: HUSH!  (They all hush) Now: since your term project involves a deep dive into exploring gravity as an all-consuming force in this world, I decided that a “hands-on” approach would be the most effective method to drive the lesson home into your still-developing cerebra.  (Scans the room and points to a student in the middle of the third row) You!

Student: (Looks around at surrounding students as they surreptitiously scooch their desks away and then points to self) Me?

Teacher: Yes; you’re still going to martial arts classes, right?

Student: Uh, yeah?

Teacher: Is that a question?

Student: More of an unspoken one of “Where is this going?”

Teacher: I’ll show you in a moment – get up here.  (Gestures to the front of the classroom)

Student: Umm… do I have to?

Teacher: Yes!  This’ll be fun for everyone, I assure you.

Student: OK…. (Slowly stands up and does the long march to the front of the classroom, turns, and faces a roomful of pitying looks)

Teacher: Thanks for volunteering – (Student double-takes) now, to demonstrate how gravity controls us all no matter what we do, I want you, a still-sprouting youth who’s barely hit 100 lbs, to utilize gravity in order to throw me, a full-grown adult who could stand to shed a few, soundly onto the ground.  (Crouches in a defensive posture) And… go!

Student: Umm… is this legal?

Teacher: I didn’t bother to check, now toss me!

Student: I really don’t think –

Teacher: No time for thinking, aaaaahhhh!  (Rushes Student who instinctively grabs Teacher around the middle and bring the latter to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) Yaaaaaay!

Student: (Holding hands to mouth in horror) Oh no, are you OK?!

Teacher: (Creakily gets up from the floor while holding lower back; Students sit down again) That was very good, but we’re not finished.

Student: We’re not?

Teacher: Nope!  I took it easy on you with that one by allowing you to use momentum to overcome my superior strength and then gravity to take care of the rest.  Now, I want you to try using gravity to take me down from a standing, immobile position.  (Stands straight with arms at sides)

Student: Uh, the moves don’t quite work like that in this position –

Teacher: I said “Take me down!”

(Student crouches low while moving in, uses a leg behind Teacher’s knee to make the latter’s leg buckle, and sweeps Teacher to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) YAAAAAAY!!!!

Student: (Helps Teacher stand up again) I’m so sorry – did you hit your head?!

Teacher: (Leans far back and swings from side-to-side to crack out everything) Nope – all good!  (To Students as they sit down again) See?  Again, gravity did most of the work in pulling my massively muscled body all the way down to the Earth that is continuously striving to merge with us!

Student: Umm….

Teacher: (To Student) Now!  I’m going to climb on top of my desk, and you’re going to have to demonstrate how gravity will shove me off my perch and drive me into Earth’s unforgiving embrace.

Student: Do I have to?

Teacher: (Climbs onto the desk and stands on it) Yes!

Students: (Start banging their hands on their desks and stomping their feet on the floor) YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!

Student: (To Teacher, over the increasing noise) I don’t know – one or both of us could really get hurt this way!

Teacher: (Crouching on top of the desk) C’mon, you coward!  Show me gravity!

(The classroom door suddenly flies open and Principal strides in; everyone else in the room freezes)

Principal: What on Earth is going on in here?!  The entire school can hear this racket!

Teacher: (Stands up straight again) It’s OK; I’m demonstrating the force of gravity.

Principal: You’re what?!  You teach English Language Arts!

Teacher: Well, how else am I supposed to get a bunch of pre-teens to appreciate the use of metaphor in Victorian literature?!