Story 346: All the Time in the World – Now What?

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

            Friend 1: Sigh.

            Friend 2: No one actually says “Sigh,” you know.

            Friend 1: I wanted to emphasize the sentiment.

            Friend 2: Of what, contentment or disappointment?

            Friend 1: Both.

            Friend 2: You’ve lost me.

          Friend 1: Contentment in knowing that right now, in this moment, we are living The Good Life; disappointment in knowing this moment will end soon and we’ll have to go back to living The Blech Life.

            Friend 2: As with all things – just enjoy this now and let me do the same.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

            (They settle back in their chairs and watch some ducks paddle by)

            Friend 1: [Siiiiiiiiiiigh]

            Friend 2: OK, that’s even worse – what now?

          Friend 1: Just thinking how the Sun’ll set in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

           Friend 2: For the love of – can you just turn your mental gnawing on everything off for two seconds?!

            Friend 1: Yes.  But two seconds is a tiny period of time, so it’s virtually meaningless.

            Friend 2: Argh.

        Friend 1: As is any brief moment of enjoyment we manage to find in this world: ephemeral, evanescent, gone before we barely have a chance to truly appreciate it.  I miss the time in my life before I hit puberty when I didn’t realize all this.

            Friend 2: I miss that time in your life, too.  I’m going to watch funny videos on my phone and ignore you now.  (Does so)

            Friend 1: (Is hypnotized watching the ducks paddle by) [Sigh] If only I had all the time in the world….

ONE YEAR LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers cell phone) Hey, what’s up?

          Friend 1: (On the phone) You’ll never believe this: I got the results back from my physical and the bottom line of all the jargon is that I’m basically immortal.

            Friend 2: You’re right, I’ll never believe that – is today April Fool’s?

            Friend 1: I already got you with that last week; this is real!

          Friend 2: Oh right, I blanked out on that for a minute there.  You know, I’d be mad at you about that whole thing but I have to admit it was pretty funny.  I may steal it to use on my cousin next year, if you don’t mind.

            Friend 1: Not at all – I’m generous with my work.

            Friend 2: So, what’s up?

            Friend 1: Ummmmm… wait a minute… uhhhh… I’ll get it in a second….

            Friend 2: Oh right, you think you’re Dracula or something.

            Friend 1: Not Dracula; immortal!

            Friend 2: Isn’t that the same thing?

          Friend 1: The one is not dependent on the other!  I’m not drinking blood or sleeping during the day, I’m just living forever!  As in, FOREVER.

            Friend 2: That’s neat.  Good for you.

            Friend 1: Is that all you can say?!

          Friend 2: What, so you were given a life expectancy of 100-something years?  That’s great; hope you get to keep your faculties all the way to the end, if you know what I mean.

           Friend 1: You’re not getting it: my doctor found all these weird things in my blood and tissues and brain and what-not that mean nothing in me’ll ever get sick, or decay, or be destroyed!  I’m invincible!  AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER.

             Friend 2: You sure they didn’t mix up your sample with a cockroach’s?

         Friend 1: There is negative billion chance of that ever happening.  Now, having pondered on the ramifications of this for some time, I have accepted my new fate in truly having all the time in the world and therefore can do whatever I once thought impossible due to time constraints.  I can lean every world language now, including those of every species of whale!  I can literally travel to every country on the planet!  I can literally travel to every planet, eventually!  I can dive to the bottom of the Mariana Trench just to say I did it!  I can learn every skill imaginable, becoming the international spy I always wanted to be!  I can even become an Olympic athlete because all it takes is a gazillion hours of training, which I now have!

            Friend 2: Well, it’s a little more than that –

          Friend 1: Where do I even begin with a whole universe of time ahead of me?  Ooh, I know: watching every single episode of that series, you know, Physician Whatsit, from its very first episode in 1963 to the present.

            Friend 2: …Wow, you really are serious about all this, aren’t you?

            Friend 1: I told you, it’s not April Fool’s!  (Disconnects the call firmly)

FIVE YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake, while Friend 1 flips frantically through a large book)

            Friend 2: I thought you wanted to relax now that time means nothing to you?

           Friend 1: How can I relax when I have yet to master the subjunctive of Vedic Sanksrit?!  (Flips more pages)

            Friend 2: (Furrows brow) I don’t think that one’s spoken too much anymore.

            Friend 1: It won’t be at this rate!  (Flips faster)

            Friend 2: (Settles back in the chair to watch the ducks paddle by) [Sigh]

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

            Friend 1: (Answers call in a hurry) Yes?

            Friend 2: Hey, sorry I had to back out of our skydiving trip sort-of last minute, but the arthritis is acting up again.

           Friend 1: Always excuses!  Never mind, you would’ve just slowed me down anyway – after I land back on Earth I’m hopping on the nearest train to begin my third round-the-world trek, which you already backed out of, again!

            Friend 2: Well, we did just get back from the Moon, and you know it’s my kid’s high school graduation –

            Friend 1: No sense of priorities!  You’re letting every opportunity to live pass you by!  (Turns off hologram call and jumps solo out of a plane) Liiiiiiiiiife!!!!

THIRTY YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

           Friend 1: – and I clearly explained the entire history of the U.S. banking system to demonstrate how their plan will lead to yet another recession, and the entire board room stared at me as if I had two heads!  Oh sorry, outdated reference: one of the board members does have two heads, so I guess it reminded me of that old phrase, heh…. Do you ever wonder if everybody on what we used to call Proxima Centauri b think we’re weird for just having one brain? 

             Friend 2: (Wakes up with a half-snore) Huh?  What?

             Friend 1: Forget it.  Oh, and Happy 80^th Birthday, if I missed mentioning that before.

         Friend 2: Oh, thanks.  You know, I really do owe you for helping find the cure for dementia all those years ago – I realized recently I’d’ve been knee-deep in it by now.

           Friend 1: No problem.  It’s amazing how simple it is to find a solution once one has adequate time to devote to the problem, know what I’m saying?  Sorry about the multiple sclerosis, though – working on that one now!  (Continues scrolling through medical texts on a holographic screen)

            Friend 2: That’s OK, I’ll take it over the other one any day.  You gonna stop all that and just watch the water with me now?

            Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Turns off the screen and leans back to watch the water) You know the Earth’ll rotate away from the Sun in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

            Friend 2: Unbelievable.

TWO HUNDRED YEARS LATER

            (In a lecture hall on Mars)

          Friend 1: (Pointing to a presentation on a large screen) And in conclusion, our continued presence in this universe actually will create the very extinction-level event for our insignificant planet that we have been dreading since the beginning of our entire species’ existence!  (The attendees stand, bow at Friend 1, and leave the room)  I miss applause.  (Stares out the panoramic window at tiny Earth, far in the distance) Sigh.  Think I reached the end of this academic avenue: what should I study next?  How to reverse entropy?  Time travel that actually works within this dimension?  Comparative religions of Earth and Venus?  Why fictional romances are so much more satisfying than real-life ones?  (Sighs softly) Why having all the time for everything I could ever want to do feels empty instead of fulfilling?

            Friend 2: Because you never learned to really appreciate anything?

           Friend 1: Huh?  What?  (Wakes up with a half-snore, back on the beach chair facing the lake in the park with Friend 2)

            Friend 2: You were talking in your doze.  And snoring pretty loudly.

         Friend 1: (Looks around, discombobulated) What – how – do you know I just lived several lifetimes’ worth of experiences and intellectual growth, and it was all for nothing!

          Friend 2: Well, welcome back, Dorothy.  Learn any life lessons that you’ll instantly forget?

          Friend 1: (Stares at the ducks as they paddle by) That I really do need to appreciate more in life and focus less on the time that’s passing.

            Friend 2: Good.  (Leans back in the chair and closes eyes)

            Friend 1: And also that space travel is the absolute worst.

            Friend 2: You certainly learned to keep on complaining.

Story 345: Don’t Make Them Pay – Make Them Owe

            (In an office)

            Coworker 1: (Answers a ringing desk phone) Accounts Payable, how can I help you?... Oh hi, how are you?... Yeah, I sent that to you last week so you could get started…. (Grinding teeth) Uh-huh…. Well, there’s a lot going on here, too…. (Grinding teeth harder) OK-let-me-get-back-to-you-on-that-bye.  (Gently replaces the receiver, then places both hands on the desk to push onto the unyielding surface) Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmf!

          Coworker 2: (Not looking up from working on a computer at a nearby desk) Bad news?  Sounds like you’re keeping yourself from pouring out cusses.

           Coworker 1: (Slowly tears a blank piece of paper to shreds) I am serene – (Tear) I am in control of my emotions – (Tear) they do not control me – (Tear-tear-tear)

            Coworker 2: Does that really work?  I’m thinking about trying it.  (Coworker 1 tears the rest of the paper in a frenzy) Guess not.

            Coworker 1: You know, I already have too much to do, why do I have to do someone else’s work now?

            Coworker 2: Someone’s dumping their stuff onto you?

        Coworker 1: Yeah, I sent them our monthly numbers so they could put them into their presentation – like they always do – but now, all of a sudden it’s “Oh, I’m really busy with X, Y, and Z going on, would you mind also doing the slides for me this time, please?”  Yes I very well would mind, I’m busy with A, B, and C going on!  But now if I say “No, you do it!”, as I should, I’m going to sound like I’m whining and people’ll say I’m being difficult and not a team player and I’m just so mad!

            Coworker 2: That you are, in more ways than one.

            Coworker 1: Ha, ha – any suggestions on what I should do, then?  I want payback.

            Coworker 2: (Finally looks over) I think… you should do it.

            Coworker 1: Traitor.

            Coworker 2: You misunderstand: do it, and then they’ll owe you.

           Coworker 1: How so?  I’m the one who’s stuck doing it, and they probably won’t care just as long as they don’t have to do it.

          Coworker 2: Yes, but if make them know how much of a favor you’re doing, you’ll have a hold over them.  They’ll constantly be looking for ways to pay you back, trust me.

            Coworker 1: I doubt it; they’re more likely to just forget it and go on with their life.

          Coworker 2: Don’t let them forget it.  E-mail is a wonderful passive-aggressive tool: use it well and often.

            Coworker 1: Ooh.  This may just work.

ONE WEEK LATER

         Coworker 2: – so I could take early retirement, but then I’d lose almost three years of complaining about work.

          Coworker 1: Good point.  (Phone rings) `Scuse me – (Picks up the receiver) Accounts Payable, how may I help you?... Oh, hello…. (Turns to Coworker 2 and mouths “It’s them”; Coworker 2 mouths “Go for it”) Why yes, it took me quite a bit of time to get it all done, so I hope the slides were good enough for your presentation…. Oh, you’re quite welcome – listen, I hate to cut you off, but I’m the middle of trying to generate a report on this quarter’s returns and it’s taking me forever…. Oh, would you?  (Turns to Coworker 2; both nod at each other) Well, that would certainly be a huge help; I know you’re much better with this software than I am; thank you so much!.... OK, bye-bye!  (Hangs up) Sweet.  I hate doing that report.

            Coworker 2: You’re welcome.  Of course, now you two are even and you can’t get any more work out of them, unless they pull something similar again.

          Coworker 1: Oh no, you’re right!  This means I’ll just have to go around doing favors for everyone here so one day they’ll be doing all of my work for me, hee-hee-hee!  (Looks at Coworker 2 slyly; the latter is back to working on the computer) So, got any projects you have absolutely no time for?

            Coworker 2: Nothing doing – I’m still working off what I owe across three departments.

Story 344: Director’s Commentary

            [Disc is loaded into the player; menu appears – Director’s Commentary – ON – Play Movie]

          Director: (Voiceover as opening titles scroll across the screen) So, you may be  somewhat surprised to hear me doing this, after I’d quite vociferously proclaimed on multiple occasions that I would never, ever, EVER do one of these things again.  But, it turns out – money.  You don’t get it with a breached contract, and mine for this film snuck in the whatever disc commentary, sneaky gits.  I valiantly tried to dump this onto the screenwriter, the executive producer, the lead actor, the composer, the caterer, the transportation captain, the president of the fan club – all unanimously told me to shove off, so here we are.

            (Opening establishing shots of the film)

          Director: (V.O.) Hoo-boy, I’d already forgotten this thing’s over three hours long – we shot over 96 hours of footage, so lots of long nights in the editing room.  I think I’ve seen this thing about 300 times by now.  Once more with feeling, eh?  (Sound of carbonated drink being opened) Throat’s already getting dry just thinking about it.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Yeah, that river’s fake… That forest’s fake…. That elephant’s fake…. That king’s fake…. No wait, scratch that, king was real.  Country was fake, though; surprise for him, let me tell you.  (Sound of drinking soda) Aaaaaahhhhh, hate filming crowd scenes – wish those were fake.  Extras are the worst, always wanting to be paid at a higher tier for standing around in the blazing sun for five hours straight, and get a lunch break on top of it.  Wish I had it so easy.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) This scene’s great – steady camera to the rescue!  But seriously, we lost two brave cranes and about 100 yards of track to shoot it, so you’d better appreciate this 60 seconds of cinematic gold…. And it’s over.  I think my point was made, don’t you?  Those trolls online drown out the voices of truth, but legitimate connoisseurs of art would agree that “obscure” is most assuredly not an appropriate adjective for my work.  I defy you to tell me otherwise.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I’ve gotten complaints about this scene because the camera never stops moving, but if you haven’t figured it out by now, the camera is an extension of you, the audience, so you have no one to blame but yourselves…. You see, it’s metaphors upon metaphors…. Wow, what an amazing jump cut that was.  I’m freakin’ awesome.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I can’t believe I kept this scene in – the lighting does nothing, the actors were off their game, the dialogue is poor, the production design is “What?”, the music is jarringly atonal, the plot goes off on a tangent and takes forever to recover from it – you know what, just forget this scene ever happened, it’s utter garbage…. By the way, this one’s on the screenwriter, not me: I was a tyrant on the set, but the one hold over me in that world is that I must film what’s written in the script, and the screenwriter’s reps wouldn’t let me edit any of it out.  So, the scene stuck, and I was powerless to fight it…. Ooh, this is my cameo – I’m the silhouette by the window.  Never mind, you can remember this scene happened now, I insist.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O. with sounds of eating potato chips) I’d like to take this moment to point out that any historical inaccuracies you all have been so kind to point out to me numerous times are intentional – I know what really happened, we all know what really happened, and it was completely underwhelming so I made it look better.  This isn’t a newsreel, folks, this is ART!  (Chokes a bit on the chips)

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) As you may have noticed, costumes are extremely integral towards making this whole bit of make-believe believable, and I have regretted firing the original costume designer halfway through production every day since.  Slacker totally deserved it, but I must admit there is a distinct decline in the overall work in the scenes filmed afterward, of course not chronologically with regards to the plot…. Yes, the threads certainly suffered.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Almost there – (Yawns) – sorry, but I really have seen this thing way too many times to enjoy it anymore.  I always was told that it’s no fun when you’re the one in charge, but I never believed it until it was too late…. By the way, that pen there symbolizes the main character’s struggles with the eternal question of what’s right and wrong.  No one ever got it, so I guess I failed in that respect.  Oh well…. (End credits begin to roll) And that’s the end!  (Sounds of stretching) I think my leg fell asleep.  Thank you all for watching and listening to me drone on for almost 1/6 of a day, and also for giving me your money – much appreciated.  Oh, one last thing: next time you watch a film, always pay attention to the background details – the crew works so long and so hard to make all that stuff, so you’d better appreciate it.  Now that this cinematic epic is over, go ponder everything I just told you…. Whoa, that was a lot of graphic designers on the payroll, I never realized…. Anyways, I hope now I never have to see this thing again…. (Sound of rustling papers) I also have to do the anniversary edition in 10 years?!  Fine, whatever: the art demands.