(In
a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses
and facing a lake)
Friend
1: Sigh.
Friend
2: No one actually says “Sigh,” you know.
Friend
1: I wanted to emphasize the sentiment.
Friend
2: Of what, contentment or disappointment?
Friend
1: Both.
Friend
2: You’ve lost me.
Friend
1: Contentment in knowing that right now, in this moment, we are living The Good
Life; disappointment in knowing this moment will end soon and we’ll have to go back
to living The Blech Life.
Friend
2: As with all things – just enjoy this now and let me do the same.
Friend
1: I suppose.
(They
settle back in their chairs and watch some ducks paddle by)
Friend
1: [Siiiiiiiiiiigh]
Friend
2: OK, that’s even worse – what now?
Friend
1: Just thinking how the Sun’ll set in less than two hours and the day is
pretty much over.
Friend
2: For the love of – can you just turn your mental gnawing on everything off for
two seconds?!
Friend
1: Yes. But two seconds is a tiny period
of time, so it’s virtually meaningless.
Friend
2: Argh.
Friend
1: As is any brief moment of enjoyment we manage to find in this world:
ephemeral, evanescent, gone before we barely have a chance to truly appreciate
it. I miss the time in my life before I
hit puberty when I didn’t realize all this.
Friend
2: I miss that time in your life, too. I’m
going to watch funny videos on my phone and ignore you now. (Does so)
Friend
1: (Is hypnotized watching the ducks paddle by) [Sigh] If only I had all the
time in the world….
ONE YEAR LATER
Friend
2: (Answers cell phone) Hey, what’s up?
Friend
1: (On the phone) You’ll never believe this: I got the results back from my
physical and the bottom line of all the jargon is that I’m basically immortal.
Friend
2: You’re right, I’ll never believe that – is today April Fool’s?
Friend
1: I already got you with that last week; this is real!
Friend
2: Oh right, I blanked out on that for a minute there. You know, I’d be mad at you about that whole
thing but I have to admit it was pretty funny.
I may steal it to use on my cousin next year, if you don’t mind.
Friend
1: Not at all – I’m generous with my work.
Friend
2: So, what’s up?
Friend
1: Ummmmm… wait a minute… uhhhh… I’ll get it in a second….
Friend
2: Oh right, you think you’re Dracula or something.
Friend
1: Not Dracula; immortal!
Friend
2: Isn’t that the same thing?
Friend
1: The one is not dependent on the other!
I’m not drinking blood or sleeping during the day, I’m just living
forever! As in, FOREVER.
Friend
2: That’s neat. Good for you.
Friend
1: Is that all you can say?!
Friend
2: What, so you were given a life expectancy of 100-something years? That’s great; hope you get to keep your
faculties all the way to the end, if you know what I mean.
Friend
1: You’re not getting it: my doctor found all these weird things in my blood
and tissues and brain and what-not that mean nothing in me’ll ever get sick, or
decay, or be destroyed! I’m
invincible! AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER.
Friend
2: You sure they didn’t mix up your sample with a cockroach’s?
Friend
1: There is negative billion chance of that ever happening. Now, having pondered on the ramifications of
this for some time, I have accepted my new fate in truly having all the time in
the world and therefore can do whatever I once thought impossible due to time
constraints. I can lean every world
language now, including those of every species of whale! I can literally travel to every country on the
planet! I can literally travel to every
planet, eventually! I can dive to the
bottom of the Mariana Trench just to say I did it! I can learn every skill imaginable, becoming
the international spy I always wanted to be!
I can even become an Olympic athlete because all it takes is a gazillion
hours of training, which I now have!
Friend
2: Well, it’s a little more than that –
Friend
1: Where do I even begin with a whole universe of time ahead of me? Ooh, I know: watching every single episode of
that series, you know, Physician Whatsit,
from its very first episode in 1963 to the present.
Friend
2: …Wow, you really are serious about all this, aren’t you?
Friend
1: I told you, it’s not April Fool’s!
(Disconnects the call firmly)
FIVE YEARS LATER
(In
a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses
and facing a lake, while Friend 1 flips frantically through a large book)
Friend
2: I thought you wanted to relax now that time means nothing to you?
Friend
1: How can I relax when I have yet to master the subjunctive of Vedic Sanksrit?! (Flips more pages)
Friend
2: (Furrows brow) I don’t think that one’s spoken too much anymore.
Friend
1: It won’t be at this rate! (Flips
faster)
Friend
2: (Settles back in the chair to watch the ducks paddle by) [Sigh]
FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
Friend 1: (Answers
call in a hurry) Yes?
Friend 2:
Hey, sorry I had to back out of our skydiving trip sort-of last minute, but the
arthritis is acting up again.
Friend
1: Always excuses! Never mind, you would’ve
just slowed me down anyway – after I land back on Earth I’m hopping on the
nearest train to begin my third round-the-world trek, which you already
backed out of, again!
Friend
2: Well, we did just get back from the Moon, and you know it’s my kid’s high
school graduation –
Friend
1: No sense of priorities! You’re
letting every opportunity to live pass you by!
(Turns off hologram call and jumps solo out of a plane)
Liiiiiiiiiife!!!!
THIRTY YEARS LATER
(In
a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses
and facing a lake)
Friend
1: – and I clearly explained the entire history of the U.S. banking system to
demonstrate how their plan will lead to yet another recession, and the
entire board room stared at me as if I had two heads! Oh sorry, outdated reference: one of the
board members does have two heads, so I guess it reminded me of that old
phrase, heh…. Do you ever wonder if everybody on what we used to call Proxima
Centauri b think we’re weird for just having one brain?
Friend
2: (Wakes up with a half-snore) Huh?
What?
Friend
1: Forget it. Oh, and Happy 80th
Birthday, if I missed mentioning that before.
Friend
2: Oh, thanks. You know, I really do owe
you for helping find the cure for dementia all those years ago – I realized
recently I’d’ve been knee-deep in it by now.
Friend
1: No problem. It’s amazing how simple
it is to find a solution once one has adequate time to devote to the problem,
know what I’m saying? Sorry about the multiple
sclerosis, though – working on that one now!
(Continues scrolling through medical texts on a holographic screen)
Friend
2: That’s OK, I’ll take it over the other one any day. You gonna stop all that and just watch the
water with me now?
Friend
1: Oh all right. (Turns off the screen
and leans back to watch the water) You know the Earth’ll rotate away from the
Sun in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.
Friend
2: Unbelievable.
TWO HUNDRED YEARS
LATER
(In
a lecture hall on Mars)
Friend
1: (Pointing to a presentation on a large screen) And in conclusion, our
continued presence in this universe actually will create the very
extinction-level event for our insignificant planet that we have been dreading
since the beginning of our entire species’ existence! (The attendees stand, bow at Friend 1, and
leave the room) I miss applause. (Stares out the panoramic window at tiny
Earth, far in the distance) Sigh. Think
I reached the end of this academic avenue: what should I study next? How to reverse entropy? Time travel that actually works within this
dimension? Comparative religions of
Earth and Venus? Why fictional romances
are so much more satisfying than real-life ones? (Sighs softly) Why having all the time for
everything I could ever want to do feels empty instead of fulfilling?
Friend
2: Because you never learned to really appreciate anything?
Friend
1: Huh? What? (Wakes up with a half-snore, back on the
beach chair facing the lake in the park with Friend 2)
Friend
2: You were talking in your doze. And snoring
pretty loudly.
Friend
1: (Looks around, discombobulated) What – how – do you know I just lived
several lifetimes’ worth of experiences and intellectual growth, and it was all
for nothing!
Friend
2: Well, welcome back, Dorothy. Learn
any life lessons that you’ll instantly forget?
Friend
1: (Stares at the ducks as they paddle by) That I really do need to appreciate
more in life and focus less on the time that’s passing.
Friend
2: Good. (Leans back in the chair and
closes eyes)
Friend
1: And also that space travel is the absolute worst.
Friend
2: You certainly learned to keep on complaining.
