[Disc
is loaded into the player; menu appears – Director’s Commentary – ON – Play
Movie]
Director:
(Voiceover as opening titles scroll across the screen) So, you may be somewhat surprised to hear me doing this,
after I’d quite vociferously proclaimed on multiple occasions that I would
never, ever, EVER do one of these things again.
But, it turns out – money. You
don’t get it with a breached contract, and mine for this film snuck in the
whatever disc commentary, sneaky gits. I
valiantly tried to dump this onto the screenwriter, the executive producer, the
lead actor, the composer, the caterer, the transportation captain, the
president of the fan club – all unanimously told me to shove off, so here we
are.
(Opening
establishing shots of the film)
Director:
(V.O.) Hoo-boy, I’d already forgotten this thing’s over three hours long – we
shot over 96 hours of footage, so lots of long nights in the editing room. I think I’ve seen this thing about 300 times
by now. Once more with feeling, eh? (Sound of carbonated drink being opened)
Throat’s already getting dry just thinking about it.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Director:
(V.O.) Yeah, that river’s fake… That forest’s fake…. That elephant’s fake….
That king’s fake…. No wait, scratch that, king was real. Country was fake, though; surprise for him,
let me tell you. (Sound of drinking
soda) Aaaaaahhhhh, hate filming crowd scenes – wish those were
fake. Extras are the worst, always
wanting to be paid at a higher tier for standing around in the blazing sun for
five hours straight, and get a lunch break on top of it. Wish I had it so easy.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Director:
(V.O.) This scene’s great – steady camera to the rescue! But seriously, we lost two brave cranes and
about 100 yards of track to shoot it, so you’d better appreciate this 60
seconds of cinematic gold…. And it’s over.
I think my point was made, don’t you?
Those trolls online drown out the voices of truth, but legitimate
connoisseurs of art would agree that “obscure” is most assuredly not an
appropriate adjective for my work. I
defy you to tell me otherwise.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Director:
(V.O.) I’ve gotten complaints about this scene because the camera never stops
moving, but if you haven’t figured it out by now, the camera is an extension of
you, the audience, so you have no one to blame but yourselves…. You see,
it’s metaphors upon metaphors…. Wow, what an amazing jump cut that was. I’m freakin’ awesome.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Director:
(V.O.) I can’t believe I kept this scene in – the lighting does nothing, the
actors were off their game, the dialogue is poor, the production design is
“What?”, the music is jarringly atonal, the plot goes off on a tangent and
takes forever to recover from it – you know what, just forget this scene ever
happened, it’s utter garbage…. By the way, this one’s on the screenwriter, not
me: I was a tyrant on the set, but the one hold over me in that world is that I
must film what’s written in the script, and the screenwriter’s reps wouldn’t
let me edit any of it out. So, the scene
stuck, and I was powerless to fight it…. Ooh, this is my cameo – I’m the
silhouette by the window. Never mind,
you can remember this scene happened now, I insist.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Director:
(V.O. with sounds of eating potato chips) I’d like to take this moment to point
out that any historical inaccuracies you all have been so kind to point out to
me numerous times are intentional – I know what really happened, we all
know what really happened, and it was completely underwhelming so I made it look
better. This isn’t a newsreel, folks,
this is ART! (Chokes a bit on the chips)
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Director:
(V.O.) As you may have noticed, costumes are extremely integral towards making
this whole bit of make-believe believable, and I have regretted firing the
original costume designer halfway through production every day since. Slacker totally deserved it, but I must admit
there is a distinct decline in the overall work in the scenes filmed afterward,
of course not chronologically with regards to the plot…. Yes, the threads
certainly suffered.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Director:
(V.O.) Almost there – (Yawns) – sorry, but I really have seen this thing way
too many times to enjoy it anymore. I
always was told that it’s no fun when you’re the one in charge, but I never
believed it until it was too late…. By the way, that pen there symbolizes the
main character’s struggles with the eternal question of what’s right and wrong. No one ever got it, so I guess I failed in
that respect. Oh well…. (End credits
begin to roll) And that’s the end!
(Sounds of stretching) I think my leg fell asleep. Thank you all for watching and listening to
me drone on for almost 1/6 of a day, and also for giving me your money – much
appreciated. Oh, one last thing: next
time you watch a film, always pay attention to the background details – the
crew works so long and so hard to make all that stuff, so you’d better
appreciate it. Now that this cinematic epic
is over, go ponder everything I just told you…. Whoa, that was a lot of graphic
designers on the payroll, I never realized…. Anyways, I hope now I never have
to see this thing again…. (Sound of rustling papers) I also have to do the anniversary
edition in 10 years?! Fine, whatever:
the art demands.
