Showing posts with label Don't-Think-About-It Buddy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Don't-Think-About-It Buddy. Show all posts

Thursday, May 21, 2020

Story 342: Get Your Very Own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!


            [Commercial]
           (Scenes of Customer standing in the middle of an empty parking lot, an empty stadium, and an empty beach)
            Voiceover: Life getting you down lately?
            (Scene of papers being sucked out of Customer’s hand and into a kitchen garbage disposal)
            Voiceover: Did months of work just get obliterated?
            (Scene of Customer sitting at an office desk, slumped on one hand, while a coworker screams in their ear)
          Voiceover: Was your day going just fine until that one person said something that ruined absolutely everything?
            (Flashing lights, bright colors, and text cross the screen)
            Voiceover: Fret no more, my friends – all your worries will vanish as if they had never been once you get your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!
            (Customer, now alone, still is slumped at the desk; the camera filter brightens as Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, wearing a superhero outfit, mask, cape, and “DTAIB” printed on the shirt, bounds onto the scene)
            Voiceover: Marvel as those never-ending negative thoughts are immediately vanquished!
          (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy grabs Customer by the shoulder and gives a slap across the face)
            Voiceover: Amaze as irreparable loss is rendered inconsequential!
            (Customer is leaning down to peer at the shreds of paper sticking out of the garbage disposal; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene and throws a glass of water in Customer’s face)
            Voiceover: Wonder as – hopefully – temporary setbacks are made tolerable by comparison!
          (Customer walks up to an empty local baseball field, grabs onto the chain-link fence, and sighs; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene; Customer turns and gets a cream pie in the face)
            Voiceover: You will be astounded!  Confounded!  Bemused!  Befuddled!  And 100% satisfied by the results!
          (Customer, face covered in cream pie, stands with Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who has hands on hips in hero pose; both are facing the camera)
            Customer: That’s great!  Tell me more!
            Voiceover: That’s pretty much it.
            Customer: Oh.
            Voiceover: But wait, there’s more!
            (Scenes of Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy at office meetings, family dinners, factory floors, and solo-occupant living rooms, pegging people with water balloons, smacking them upside the head, bodily tossing them onto a floor mattress, and tweaking their noses)
            Voiceover: And the best part is, Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy is on-call 24-7 for all your life-distraction needs!  Bonus package includes multiple visits for family parties, whenever we can have those to complain about again!  Special rates for those troublesome late-night musings!
            (Scene of Customer tossing and turning in a bed, then grabbing the clock to see it read “3:24 a.m.”; turns back onto the bed to see Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who pinches a nerve on Customer’s neck; Customer passes out)
            Voiceover: So don’t wait!  Call today at the number displayed on your screen – subject to change – (Changing phone number flashes at the bottom of the screen) or visit our Web site at www.dontthinkaboutitbuddyanddontsueus.com to order your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and never worry about anything long-term again!
            (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene in hero pose again)
            Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy: Remember, folks: only you – (Points to the camera) can end your own circular internal monologue!  By using me – (Points to self) to slap those pesky thoughts right out of your head!  Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, to the rescue!  (Lifts arms as a wire pulls Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy up and away)
        Voiceover: (Extremely fast speed) Warning-Don’t-Think-About-It-Buddy-only-provides-service-to-the-customer-on-the-bill-and-cannot-be-directed-to-provide-service-to-friends-or-enemies-if-you-change-your-mind-after-purchase-please-call-us-and-not-the-police.  (Regular speed) So don’t wait!  Call now for a Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and change your life today!