(Tenant,
wearing pajamas and a robe, opens the front door to Contractor)
Contractor:
Hi there, the Landlord sent me over – you got a leak from the upstairs
apartment that’s destroyed your bathroom ceiling?
Tenant:
(Sniffles) Yeah, thanks, come on in.
(Coughs very productively as they head over there) Sorry, I came home
from work with the flu, and when I came in here to drown my head in the sink, I
saw this. (Flips on the bathroom light
and points to the ceiling, which is sagging almost completely off the beams and
has transformed to an unnatural shade of black)
Contractor:
Whoa.
Tenant:
(Sneezes) Yeah. You think it’s mold?
Contractor:
I think it’s everything, but I can’t tell how much or how far it’s spread until
I’ve done exploratory surgery on it. Did
they stop the leak upstairs?
Tenant:
Think so – they said they fixed it and I don’t hear water running 24/7 anymore,
so that part should be all right. You
need anything from me right now to check it out?
Contractor:
Nope. (Whips out a ladder and a tool
chest) All set for the demolition; best not to come in here for the next half hour
at least.
Tenant:
Good; I’m gonna go pass out in my room for a bit.
Contractor:
Sure thing, but it’ll get real noisy in here in a minute.
Tenant:
I’ll be dead to the world in 30 seconds.
(Fifteen
minutes later)
Contractor:
(Knocking on the bedroom door) Yoo-hoo!
Still alive in there?
Tenant:
(Slowly opens the door, looking even worse than before) Yup?
Contractor:
Hi there, can I show you something?
Tenant:
If it’s the bill, send it upstairs; I’m not paying a dime.
Contractor:
Ahahahahahaha – no, it’s something… unusual.
Tenant:
Don’t tell me there’s a family of cats or rats or bats up there?
Contractor:
Not exactly.
(They
climb the ladder and stick their heads through the gaping hole in the ceiling; Contractor
shines a flashlight onto a spot in the corner)
Tenant:
(Squints) Those look like the Crown Jewels.
Contractor:
Yeppers.
Tenant:
Am I hallucinating? I think that’s one
of the side effects listed on the meds I was given.
Contractor:
Well I’m not taking them and I, too, see expensive-looking items there. You don’t happen to remember stashing any
loot up here, do you?
Tenant:
If I had stuff like that, I wouldn’t be living here.
(The
Upstairs Tenant is called to see the loot.
After descending the ladder, all three stare at the now-exposed ceiling)
Upstairs
Tenant: I think it’s obvious: since they were left under my floor, that
clearly means they belong to me.
Tenant:
(Chokes for a few moments) Nah-uh!
They’re in my ceiling, so that clearly means they belong to me! Not to mention your leak destroyed my
ceiling in the first place, ergo they’re mine twice over!
Upstairs
Tenant: Actually, since it was my leak as you remind me every day, you
would never have found these things if it wasn’t for me, ergo they’re mine
twice over! Plus I need some
compensation for the inflated bill I’ll no doubt be sent.
Tenant:
What about the mold I’m breathing in that probably gave me the flu and is possibly now
killing me as we speak?!
Contractor:
Oh, the mold’s contained; shouldn’t be an issue once I dump all this garbage.
Tenant:
But it could have been an issue!
Upstairs
Tenant: Any mold after you moved in here is yours, just as any valuables
stashed in the space below my floor and above your ceiling are mine.
Contractor:
Guys, guys, let’s be reasonable. Since
I’m the one who the opened the ceiling and found these things in the first
place, clearly they belong to me.
Upstairs
Tenant: In a pig’s eye! They’re in my
floor!
Tenant:
No they’re not, they’re in my ceiling!
Contractor:
Yeah, I think I’ll just take them; finders keepers and all that. (Starts to ascend the ladder)
Tenants:
No! (There is a scrum at the ladder as
all three try to climb it simultaneously)
Tenant:
(Sneezing) There! May you both get
infected and only have last’s year vaccine, you thieves!
(The
front door slams open; the three freeze as an imposing figure enters the
apartment and stops at the bathroom doorway)
Landlord:
Well, well, well. Seems like I’ve got a
tenant dispute on my hands.
Upstairs
Tenant: Back off, M’Lord, this is none of your concern!
Landlord:
Actually, since neither you own a square inch of this property and, heh, I do,
anything found above, below, around, under, and in-between is mine. (Effortlessly passes through the group,
climbs the ladder, removes the jewels, and climbs back down) On an unrelated
note, rent’s going up 25% next month.
(Hums tunelessly out the door)
Tenant:
(To Upstairs Tenant) You’re still paying for all this. (Hacks up a lung)
Upstairs
Tenant: As long as you pay for the hospital bills I’m seeing in my future.
Contractor:
(Looking at phone) While you two sort it all out, I’ve had five other jobs that
popped up and since we’re neither profiting off of found treasure or solving
the mystery of how they even got up there, I’m off to make some real money. (Leaves)
Tenant:
Hey! There’s still a hole in my
ceiling! I don’t want to hear this one
(Points to Upstairs Tenant) every time they’re in there!
Upstairs
Tenant: How did that stuff get up there, anyway?
Tenant:
I’m thinking the less we know, the better.
What if whoever put them there comes back looking for them?
[Reader Participation:
Leave a comment below or post to @JenPergola on Twitter suggesting an idea on
how the jewels got there – I will pick one and write a story around it!]
