Friday, August 3, 2018

Story 249: Trapped in the Movie Adaptation

            PRE-SCENE 1
(Characters gather in a null space)
            Lead Character: Hello everyone, I know you’re all as excited as I am to get this movie going–
            Undercover Villain: Woo-hoo!  I can’t wait for my shocking reveal, it is so epic!
           Lead Character: Yes.  Before we begin, I wanted to let you all know that we’re being joined today by Fan, who’ll be along for the ride in every scene.
            Fan: Hi, guys!
            Obligatory Love Interest: Wow, we already have a Fan?
            Fan: Oh yes, I just loved the book, it’s one of my favorites.
            (Characters stare at Fan)
            Lead Character: You do know that a lot of things from the book got… altered in the movie adaptation, right?
            Fan: Totally!  I figured a bunch of events’ll get streamlined, some characters’ll get combined, not much of the original dialogue will remain intact, the usual shenanigans – I’m completely on board!
            Lead Character: We’ll see about that.  All right everyone, places!  And… action!
            Fan: Ooh, I just got a chill.

            SCENE 5
FADE IN:
EXT. A BANK – EARLY AFTERNOON
     CUT TO:
     INT. CAR

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN and SIDEKICK sit in the driver’s and passenger’s seats, respectively.  UNDERCOVER VILLAIN is tugging on a uniform collar.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
I wish I didn’t have to wear this in 100° weather.
                       
SIDEKICK
Yeah, tell me again why we’re –

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
Ssh, here they come!

     They watch shady figures entering the bank.

                             SIDEKICK
Same time every day.  You think they want to get caught?  Or, are they really setting a trap, and it’s for us?!

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
That’s what we’re here to find out.

(Fan pops up from the backseat)
Fan: Hi, just a quick question: I know this part was added to tie in with the whole counterfeiting ring/stolen cars/casino robberies showdown at the end, but I was wondering why you two right now are dressed as police officers and ambiguously watching this random bank, when in the book we were straight-up told that you were the villain on Page 8 and this guy here didn’t even exist?
Undercover Villain: Keeps the audience on their toes.  Plus I needed someone to explain my villainous schemes to.
Fan: Yeah, but why?  There are already three other mysteries going on at this very moment; we really don’t need another.
Undercover Villain: Everyone loves an epic shocking reveal.
Fan: Yeah, but even without having read the book, everything you say and do makes it quite clear that you’re a villain.
Undercover Villain: (Lifts an eyebrow while staring in the rearview mirror at Fan) Am I?

MUSIC. [DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!]

Sidekick: Yes.
Undercover Villain: Well, it’s not always that clear.
Fan: Yeah, but –
Undercover Villain: Love to chat – gotta drive!

CUT TO:
High-speed chase out of the parking lot; both cars involved immediately stall in the never-ending traffic.

Fan: (Looks at Undercover Villain and Sidekick, who are both fuming) Would you like me to run up ahead and pepper spray them for you?

SCENE 27.
FADE IN:
INT. A NEARLY EMPTY DANCE STUDIO - EVENING

                        LEAD CHARACTER
You will dance again; you just have to believe in yourself, like I do with my entire soul.
                  
OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST
I-I-I can’t!  The Dance has left me!

Gracefully swoons to the group to weep.  LEAD CHARACTER leans down to bring OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST standing up again.

                             LEAD CHARACTER
          Here.  Let me remind you of how talented you are.

     They waltz around the studio.

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST
I think my life has found its meaning again, and it never would have if it weren’t for you!

            (In the mirror they see Fan’s horrified face staring back at them; they stop dancing)
            Lead Character: What, did I miss my mark?
            Fan: Um, I really don’t know where to begin….
            Obligatory Love Interest: I didn’t show enough adoration and cleavage, is that it?
            Fan: I think that’s as good a place to start as any: since when have you been a dancer?  Ever?
            Obligatory Love Interest: Since… forever?
            Fan: You’re supposed to be a neurosurgeon!
            Obligatory Love Interest: No need to be elitist.
            Fan: I agree, but you also should agree that there’s quite a difference between the two professions when it comes to your impact on the plot!  Now how are you supposed to make the Family Patriarch walk again?!
            Obligatory Love Interest: The who?
            Fan: The driving force behind the whole art forgery storyline!
            Lead Character: Yeah, that was scrapped.
            Fan: What?!  That was almost a third of the entire book!
            Lead Character: It just didn’t fit in the narrative flow.
            Fan: And schmaltzing around here does?!
            Lead Character: It’s part of my redemption arc.
            Fan: Ha!  You were a secondary character at best; no one cared about you, but your role got puffed up anyway!
            Lead Character: Listen, insults aside, we really need to finish this scene.
            Fan: Oh, by all means, continue with your butchery!

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST stares deep into LEAD CHARACTER’S eyes.

                        OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST
     Now, save my soul!
                       
LEAD CHARACTER
     Just as you saved mine.

(As they half-heartedly kiss, they are distracted by the gagging noises coming from Fan)

SCENE 103.
CUT TO:
EXT. A CORNFIELD – NIGHT

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND
     I saw them run through there!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
     Great!  Let’s get after them!

The two draw their guns and run.

Fan: Where are we going?
Lead Character’s Best Friend: After them!
Fan: No, I mean plot-wise: where are we going?!  And shouldn’t you be dead by now?

GUNFIRE is heard nearby.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND
     Aha!  We have them surrounded!

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN turns to point gun on LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
Actually, it is you who are the one who is surrounded.  Mwahaha.

LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND turns to point gun on UNDERCOVER VILLAIN.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND
     This can’t be!  You were always so trustworthy!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
     All the more reason not to have trusted me!

SIDEKICK runs in from stage left.

                        SIDEKICK
     Boss, the shipment’s moving out, we’ve gotta go!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
                    (To LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND)
     Until we inevitably meet again!

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN runs away with SIDEKICK, both of them trying to cackle evilly.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND
Curses!  How could I have been duped by so obvious an undercover villain?!

     Fan: And you’re still alive – see, that would’ve been the perfect moment for them to have dispatched you and get something in this mess right.
            Lead Character’s Best Friend: But I’m a fan favorite!
            Fan: News to me.

SCENE 177.
FADE IN:
INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE – MORNING

All the important characters have gathered around the board room table.

                        LEAD CHARACTER
Well folks, we foiled all the villains, rescued all the orphans, and ensured that I found my one true love.

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST
And I found The Dance again!

     Fan: Who actually watches you?  I’m being serious: not once have I seen you perform in public or even teach anybody.

                                                                        LEAD CHARACTER
So, all in all, I think it’s safe to say our adventures have had a satisfactory conclusion for all concerned.

     Fan: Oh thank –

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN bursts through the door, wearing prison stripes and a ball and chain on one leg.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
     NOT.  SO.  FAST.

Fan: What the – ?

                                                UNDERCOVER VILLAIN (Continued)
With great pains I have defeated the maximum-security prison, the local law enforcement, and the entire judicial system to get here, and now I shall defeat YOU!

                   LEAD CHARACTER
Not so fast yourself, oh foe of mine: haven’t you forgotten YOUR SECRET CHILD?

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
My what?!

Fan: Your what?!

LEAD CHARACTER wheels a carriage from behind a podium and picks up a BABY from it.

                        LEAD CHARACTER
Gaze upon your spawn: how you can you continue your villainous ways when you have this adorable coochie-coo face staring judgmentally at you?

     UNDERCOVER VILLAIN reaches out to pick up the BABY.

                             UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
Oh sweet child of mine!  That settles it: the mere existence of my offspring makes me realize that I must never do evil ever, ever again!

                        LEAD CHARACTER
Splendid – just sign over all your shares in the company to me and we’ll forget the whole thing ever happened.

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
Right-ho!

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST
Now that’s what I call a happy ending!

     Fan: I have absolutely no idea what just happened.

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