PRE-SCENE 1
(Characters
gather in a null space)
Lead
Character: Hello everyone, I know you’re all as excited as I am to get this
movie going–
Undercover
Villain: Woo-hoo! I can’t wait for my
shocking reveal, it is so epic!
Lead
Character: Yes. Before we begin, I
wanted to let you all know that we’re being joined today by Fan, who’ll be
along for the ride in every scene.
Fan:
Hi, guys!
Obligatory
Love Interest: Wow, we already have a Fan?
Fan:
Oh yes, I just loved the book, it’s one of my favorites.
(Characters
stare at Fan)
Lead
Character: You do know that a lot of things from the book got… altered in the
movie adaptation, right?
Fan:
Totally! I figured a bunch of events’ll
get streamlined, some characters’ll get combined, not much of the original
dialogue will remain intact, the usual shenanigans – I’m completely on board!
Lead
Character: We’ll see about that. All
right everyone, places! And… action!
Fan:
Ooh, I just got a chill.
SCENE 5
FADE IN:
EXT. A BANK – EARLY AFTERNOON
CUT TO:
INT. CAR
UNDERCOVER VILLAIN and SIDEKICK sit in the
driver’s and passenger’s seats, respectively.
UNDERCOVER VILLAIN is tugging on a uniform collar.
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
I wish I didn’t have to wear this in 100°
weather.
SIDEKICK
Yeah, tell me again why we’re –
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
Ssh, here they come!
They watch shady figures entering the bank.
SIDEKICK
Same time every day. You think they want to get caught? Or, are they really setting a trap, and it’s for
us?!
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
That’s what we’re here to find out.
(Fan pops up
from the backseat)
Fan: Hi, just a
quick question: I know this part was added to tie in with the whole counterfeiting
ring/stolen cars/casino robberies showdown at the end, but I was wondering why
you two right now are dressed as police officers and ambiguously watching this
random bank, when in the book we were straight-up told that you were the
villain on Page 8 and this guy here didn’t even exist?
Undercover
Villain: Keeps the audience on their toes.
Plus I needed someone to explain my villainous schemes to.
Fan: Yeah, but
why? There are already three other
mysteries going on at this very moment; we really don’t need another.
Undercover
Villain: Everyone loves an epic shocking reveal.
Fan: Yeah, but
even without having read the book, everything you say and do makes it quite
clear that you’re a villain.
Undercover
Villain: (Lifts an eyebrow while staring in the rearview mirror at Fan) Am I?
MUSIC. [DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!]
Sidekick: Yes.
Undercover
Villain: Well, it’s not always that clear.
Fan: Yeah, but –
Undercover
Villain: Love to chat – gotta drive!
CUT TO:
High-speed chase out of the parking lot; both
cars involved immediately stall in the never-ending traffic.
Fan: (Looks at
Undercover Villain and Sidekick, who are both fuming) Would you like me to run
up ahead and pepper spray them for you?
SCENE 27.
FADE IN:
INT. A NEARLY EMPTY DANCE STUDIO - EVENING
LEAD
CHARACTER
You will dance again; you just have to
believe in yourself, like I do with my entire soul.
OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST
I-I-I can’t!
The Dance has left me!
Gracefully swoons to the group to weep. LEAD CHARACTER leans down to bring OBLIGATORY
LOVE INTEREST standing up again.
LEAD CHARACTER
Here.
Let me remind you of how talented you are.
They waltz around the studio.
OBLIGATORY
LOVE INTEREST
I think my life has found its meaning again,
and it never would have if it weren’t for you!
(In
the mirror they see Fan’s horrified face staring back at them; they stop
dancing)
Lead
Character: What, did I miss my mark?
Fan:
Um, I really don’t know where to begin….
Obligatory
Love Interest: I didn’t show enough adoration and cleavage, is that it?
Fan:
I think that’s as good a place to start as any: since when have you been a
dancer? Ever?
Obligatory
Love Interest: Since… forever?
Fan:
You’re supposed to be a neurosurgeon!
Obligatory
Love Interest: No need to be elitist.
Fan:
I agree, but you also should agree that there’s quite a difference between the
two professions when it comes to your impact on the plot! Now how are you supposed to make the Family
Patriarch walk again?!
Obligatory
Love Interest: The who?
Fan:
The driving force behind the whole art forgery storyline!
Lead
Character: Yeah, that was scrapped.
Fan:
What?! That was almost a third of the entire
book!
Lead
Character: It just didn’t fit in the narrative flow.
Fan:
And schmaltzing around here does?!
Lead
Character: It’s part of my redemption arc.
Fan:
Ha! You were a secondary character at
best; no one cared about you, but your role got puffed up anyway!
Lead
Character: Listen, insults aside, we really need to finish this scene.
Fan:
Oh, by all means, continue with your butchery!
OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST stares deep into
LEAD CHARACTER’S eyes.
OBLIGATORY
LOVE INTEREST
Now,
save my soul!
LEAD CHARACTER
Just
as you saved mine.
(As they
half-heartedly kiss, they are distracted by the gagging noises coming from Fan)
SCENE 103.
CUT TO:
EXT. A CORNFIELD – NIGHT
LEAD
CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND
I
saw them run through there!
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
Great! Let’s get after them!
The two draw their guns and run.
Fan: Where are
we going?
Lead Character’s
Best Friend: After them!
Fan: No, I mean
plot-wise: where are we going?! And
shouldn’t you be dead by now?
GUNFIRE is heard nearby.
LEAD
CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND
Aha! We have them surrounded!
UNDERCOVER VILLAIN turns to point gun on LEAD
CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND.
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
Actually, it is you who are the one
who is surrounded. Mwahaha.
LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND turns to point
gun on UNDERCOVER VILLAIN.
LEAD
CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND
This
can’t be! You were always so
trustworthy!
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
All
the more reason not to have trusted me!
SIDEKICK runs in from stage left.
SIDEKICK
Boss,
the shipment’s moving out, we’ve gotta go!
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
(To LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND)
Until
we inevitably meet again!
UNDERCOVER VILLAIN runs away with SIDEKICK,
both of them trying to cackle evilly.
LEAD
CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND
Curses!
How could I have been duped by so obvious an undercover villain?!
Fan: And you’re still alive – see,
that would’ve been the perfect moment for them to have dispatched you and get
something in this mess right.
Lead
Character’s Best Friend: But I’m a fan favorite!
Fan:
News to me.
SCENE 177.
FADE IN:
INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE – MORNING
All the important characters have gathered
around the board room table.
LEAD
CHARACTER
Well folks, we foiled all the villains,
rescued all the orphans, and ensured that I found my one true love.
OBLIGATORY
LOVE INTEREST
And I found The Dance again!
Fan: Who actually watches you? I’m being serious: not once have I seen you
perform in public or even teach anybody.
LEAD CHARACTER
So, all in all, I think it’s safe to say our
adventures have had a satisfactory conclusion for all concerned.
Fan: Oh thank –
UNDERCOVER VILLAIN bursts through the door,
wearing prison stripes and a ball and chain on one leg.
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
NOT. SO.
FAST.
Fan: What the –
?
UNDERCOVER VILLAIN (Continued)
With great pains I have defeated the maximum-security
prison, the local law enforcement, and the entire judicial system to get here,
and now I shall defeat YOU!
LEAD
CHARACTER
Not so fast yourself, oh foe of mine: haven’t
you forgotten YOUR SECRET CHILD?
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
My what?!
Fan: Your what?!
LEAD CHARACTER wheels a carriage from behind
a podium and picks up a BABY from it.
LEAD
CHARACTER
Gaze upon your spawn: how you can you
continue your villainous ways when you have this adorable coochie-coo face
staring judgmentally at you?
UNDERCOVER VILLAIN reaches out to pick up
the BABY.
UNDERCOVER VILLAIN
Oh sweet child of mine! That settles it: the mere existence of my
offspring makes me realize that I must never do evil ever, ever again!
LEAD
CHARACTER
Splendid – just sign over all your shares in
the company to me and we’ll forget the whole thing ever happened.
UNDERCOVER
VILLAIN
Right-ho!
OBLIGATORY
LOVE INTEREST
Now that’s what I call a happy ending!
Fan: I have absolutely no idea what
just happened.
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