Interviewer:
(Seated at a table, facing the camera) Welcome, movie lovers. Today, our guest is someone with whom all of
you should be familiar: she is the one whose taglines appear at the top of
every poster of the films that matter, and even of those that do not, and whose
reviews take up five pages of newsprint or, equivalently, 10 minutes of
scrolling down the screen. The
sole, the unique voice in all of film-reviewer land: Veracity Von Impartial. (Interviewer and camera turn to her, seated
at the opposite side of the table) Thank you for joining us today.
Veracity:
Thank you – it’s a duty but also a mild pleasure.
Interviewer:
For those in our audience who are not familiar with your work:
you, in essence, write film reviews that are honest.
Veracity:
(Nods) Yes.
Interviewer:
Not disingenuously praiseworthy, not unnecessarily cruel, just – honest.
Veracity:
Exactly.
Interviewer:
Please elaborate for us, on your methodology.
Veracity:
(Shifts in her seat as she warms to her subject) You see, there are so many
reviews out there that… over-emphasize the good in a particular film while
ignoring the bad. And, conversely, there
are so many reviews that… dwell upon the bad while disregarding the good,
usually for the reviewer to, and I hate to sound like I’m betraying my peers,
usually to demonstrate their own writing skills that they think they have.
Interviewer:
(Nods vigorously) Oh yes, we know those.
Veracity:
In all that chaos, I uncovered a need: a need, for the movie-going
public, to be told the truth about a film so they can make an informed
decision on whether to invest their precious time, their hard-earned income,
and/or their uncomfortable date night on it.
The bottom line is, and you’ve heard this before from me, there is no
film so good as to be “The Best Film of the Year.” That’s your opinion, maybe. Or, “The Best Such-and-Such of the Entire
Series!” (Shrugs) How do you know? Is the series over yet? You don’t know if that one will continue to
be the best.
Interviewer:
(Shakes head) You don’t know.
Veracity:
In some reviews of series, I have been compelled to write along the lines of: “Entertaining
– But the Last One Was Better Overall.”
Or: “A Weak Entry, With Exciting Action Sequences.” Or even: “Enjoyment Equal to Parts 1, 4, 7,
and 12.”
Interviewer:
I remember those.
Veracity:
And on the flip side, I have yet to see a film that has not one redeeming
feature in it. There is no film so bad,
where I can neglect my duty in communicating to the audience that “The Costumes
Were Historically Accurate,” or “Contains a Realistic Depiction of Ennui,” or “The
Special Effects Were Sufficient to Overcome the Lack of Plot,” or, now I
remember, “The Lead Compensated for the Deficiencies of the Rest of the Cast.”
Interviewer:
(Looks through papers) There was one film, which we won’t name but probably almost
everyone here and watching at home can figure out which, that was universally panned
when it was released.
Veracity:
Oh yes.
Interviewer:
And I mean panned: I’m not exaggerating when I say that everyone had
something negative to say about it: the reviewers, the audience, the cast, the
crew, the screenwriters, the producers, the studio – it was an unnatural
disaster. However, suddenly, one good
review appeared, which stated: (Reads from paper) “This is the best movie I
have ever seen in my entire life and the rest of you can all go to – ” I won’t
read the rest.
Veracity:
Mm-hm.
Interviewer:
It later was revealed that... that reviewer was the director’s mother.
Veracity:
(Quietly) Mm-hm, scandal.
Interviewer:
However, your review also stood out from all the others, in its…
non-condemnation, if that’s the word I want to use?
Veracity:
That about sums it up, yes.
Interviewer:
With your permission, I’d like to quote it in its entirety.
Veracity:
Go right ahead.
Interviewer:
(Holds up a different piece of paper) Your review, on what has been decreed by
nearly all of humanity as the worst film ever created in the history of
the medium, is as follows: (Reads from paper) “Eh.”
Veracity:
It was not a decision I made lightly: it took a lot of soul-searching to
properly express what… feeling this film evoked in me. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I had to
remain true to my beliefs and not join the rest of the world in their
vitriolic snark, which was so easy for them to do in this case.
Interviewer:
So easy.
Veracity:
Yes.
Interviewer:
Because it was pretty bad.
Veracity:
So bad – and yet –
Interviewer:
Here it comes!
Veracity:
(Laughs with him and the audience) And yet – there was something about it that
was still… watchable. I felt as if
everyone involved with its mistaken creation was trying to tell me something,
which I just couldn’t figure out, through my own failings –
Interviewer:
It was everyone else’s failings, too.
Veracity:
– that I just could not hate it.
I couldn’t like it either, so it left me… “Eh.”
Interviewer:
One of the most… apt, descriptions, I have ever heard.
Veracity:
(Looks inwardly) Thank you; that means a lot to me.
Interviewer:
Before we go, I must ask: how did you embark on this path of honest film
reviewing?
Veracity:
Well… there is no school that will teach you this. I mean, you can learn all there is to know
about effective mise-en-scène, or failed sound mixing, or when Method Acting is
working and when it is the worst, or improper use of Dutch angles, or
understanding the dramatic irony of a scene even when the screenwriter seemed to
have missed it, but, what I do, is take all of that, and use it to uncover the heart
of what the film truly is.
Interviewer:
(Nods intensely) Yes.
Veracity:
I am proud to serve my country, in informing them of what they are actually getting
into when they embark upon their very personal journey into the world of a
film; I’ve dedicated thousands of hours to this, and soon will be completing a
tour of 24 straight when all the parts of the new Medieval Future World
series are released simultaneously next month....
Interviewer:
No – I heard that absolutely no one wants to see that! Even the trailers look… (Catches himself)
poorly produced.
Veracity:
(Nods) I agree; however, the music was composed by ----- ---------, so I expect
that at least to be non-grating.
Interviewer:
Thank you again for speaking with us today – and, as always, thank you for your honesty.
Veracity:
Happy to tell it like it is.
