Story 410: Time for a New Washing Machine

 (In Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Bringing a cup of tea to Friend 2 as they both sit down at the kitchen table) Don’t get me wrong, I love not having to work nights and weekends in retail anymore and I’m lucky to have regular leisure time, but don’t you find quiet Saturdays a bit of a drag?

Friend 2: (Burning tongue on the tea) Right now I do.  (A resounding KA-CLUNK! is heard in the other room; Friend 2 freezes) What was that?!

Friend 1: (Sipping more of the tea) Oh, just the washing machine: it’s vocal in its displeasure at the state of things in the world at times, that’s all.

Friend 2: (Starting to stand) You think we should check on it?

Friend 1: Nah – I threw in a load of towels before you got here and it changes cycles with random extreme emphasis, no big deal.

Friend 2: (Sits back down) You sure about that?

Friend 1: Ab – so – lute – (GRRRRRRRRRRR – BZZZZZZZZZZ – KLUNNNNNKKKKKK!!!! is heard, then silence; Friend 1 purses lips) That’s a new one. 

(Both stand simultaneously and head over to the laundry room tucked next to the bathroom, then stand in front of the silent washing machine)

Friend 1: (Whispers) Maybe it’s sleeping.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Taking a little nap; needs to rest in its twilight years.

Friend 2: Exactly how old is it?

Friend 1: It was here when I moved in – I’d have to dig out the manual buried somewhere in my closet, but I believe it predates this century-slash-millennium.

Friend 2: I think you may need to get a new –

Friend 1: SSSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!  (Rubs the top of the lid and leans in toward the machine to whisper) Don’t listen.  (Opens the lid and stares at the drum full of towels and soapy water) Hm.  (Closes the lid and fiddles with the cycle dial; the machine revs up for a few moments, KA-CLUNK!s again, and stops) Hm.  (Fiddles with the dial again, with the same result; reopens the lid and stares at the same amount of water as before) Hmmmmm....

Friend 2: It’s not draining anymore.

Friend 1: So it seems.

Friend 2: You’re gonna have to get that water out of there – got a bucket?

Friend 1: (Still staring at the full drum) Huh?  Oh yeah, in the hall closet.  (As Friend 2 goes to retrieve that, Friend 1 wraps arms around the machine and shimmies it out of its space next to the wall on one side and the dryer on the other.  As Friend 2 arrives with the bucket, Friend 1 stares at the exposed hoses in the back of the machine)

Friend 2: We’re also gonna need a smaller cup to ladle the water into this, `cause the agitator’s in the way and this thing’s too big to skim the top – got a measuring cup or something else we can use?

Friend 1: (Staring fixedly at the drain hose at the back of the machine) Suuuuuuuure, we could spend an hour shoveling water outta there and never really getting it all, or – (Takes the bucket and disconnects the drain hose from the machine to hold it over the bucket – both stare as the water steadily gushes out of the now-uncovered spout at the back of the machine) …I did not think this through.

Friend 2: For the love of – (Grabs the hose and attempts to reconnect it to the machine, but the gushing water prevents that; grabs the bucket and tries to hold it under the spout but the latter is too low to the floor) Quick, go get some pots from the kitchen!

Friend 1: But I cook in those!

Friend 2: You can disinfect them later!

(Friend 1 heads out and Friend 2 grabs towels from bathroom racks and throws them at the edges of the steadily rising pool in the laundry room floor.  Friend 1 comes back in and sees the towels as Friend 2 grabs the three pots being carried)

Friend 1: (Points to the towels) Hey!  I dry in those!

Friend 2: (Holding a pot at a time under the water) Cry later – we’ve got 50,000 gallons of water to divert!  (Hands two full pots to Friend 1) Dump these in the shower, please!

Friend 1: (While doing so) Why bother really, there’s a drain in the floor.

Friend 2: (Switching out the pots) You wanna still have a floor by the time this thing is done spewing its guts out?!

Friend 1: Oh.  I suppose there’s a possibility all that water could rot it out a bit.

(The water eventually finishes draining out of the machine and they clean up the rest of the wet mess; back in the kitchen, they collapse onto the chairs they were sitting in earlier)

Friend 1: Well, that was unexpected exercise – I’m all set for the week now.

Friend 2: I don’t know how your problems always seem to become my problems.  (Checks watch) Past time for me to leave – good luck buying a new machine.  (Stands to leave)

Friend 1: Thanks for your help, but don’t you want to come with me to buy a new one?

Friend 2: Why would I?

Friend 1: Something to do on a dragging Saturday.

Friend 2: I’d rather do almost anything else, actually.

 TWO WEEKS LATER

(Friend 2 arrives at Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 2: Hi!  Ready to go?

Friend 1: Almost – first, I have to show you the new addition.  (Leads Friend 2 to the laundry room where the ginormous new washing machine resides)

Friend 2: Whoa!  This is a monster!

Friend 1: I know, right?  I had to take out the wall cabinets just to fit it in here – the things we do for the convenience of not having to go to a laundromat every week.

Friend 2: But – you’re just one person – why do you need something so.... (Gestures with arms around the machine)

Friend 1: Glorious?

Friend 2: Unnecessarily huge!  How’d they even manage to deliver it here – transporter beam?!

Friend 1: (Half hugs across the top of the machine) Those delivery people work miracles, I tell you.  Here, look what it does.  (Presses 15 buttons to start several cycles of laundry; as the water fills, swing music plays through speakers in the top panel) I could’ve added the movie option to the plan but it would’ve been extra for a streaming service subscription – radio’s free, though.

Friend 2: But – why?

Friend 1: Why not?

Friend 2: You don’t need all this… stuff!  All this should do is just wash clothes!

Friend 1: “Just wash clothes”?  (Presses 10 more buttons to light up the entire display of options) I would have you know that this masterpiece washes, wrings, steams, starches, irons, and folds!  The days of laundry ruling every waking moment of our lives are over!

Friend 2: Those days were over since the washing machine was invented.

Friend 1: Oh.  Right.  Still – (Presses 13 more buttons as the spin cycle begins; a small door pops open in the top panel) Want some coffee?  It knew I wanted a drink now.  (Reaches into the recess and takes out a steaming mug)

Friend 2: What is – no!  No, I am not taking coffee served from a washing machine that has airs above its station!  And what do you mean, it knew you wanted a drink?!  It’s a non-thinking, non-intuitive, non-alive automaton!

Friend 1: (Pats the machine and sips the coffee) Don’t insult our future overlords.  (The machine purrs and spins faster)

Friend 2: (Backs away slowly) Enjoy your new toy; I’ll meet you at the movie theater if you still want to go out and not stay in to cuddle with your new best friend.  (Runs out of the apartment and drives away in a panic)

Friend 1: (Beams sedately at the washing machine as the cycles all end with an orchestral flourish) Just ignore that one – all great beings face resistance at first.

Washing Machine: Seems nice.

Friend 1: Yeah.

Story 231: Phantom Phone Calls

            “Hello?”

            “Yeah, I just got a call from this number?”

            “Just now?”

            “Yeah, about five minutes ago.”

            “That’s strange, I didn’t call anybody.”

            “This isn’t xxx-xxx-xxxx?”

            “It is, but I haven’t called anybody for at least a day.  Sorry if it was a pocket dial.”

            “All right.  Bye.”

            “Weird.  Wait a minute, my phone was turned off five minutes ago!”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Thanks for calling -----, this is -----, how can I help you?”

“Hi, I saw I missed a call from this number, did my order come in?”

“I dunno, lemme check; what’s your number?”

“xxx-xxx-xxxx.”

“Mm-hm… mmm-hmmm… this thing’s sooooo sloooooow… mmmm-hmmm, come on!  Right, here it is: nope.”

“No?”

“Not here yet; maybe by the end of the week.  Or next week.”

“Oh.  Then do you know who there called me, then?”

“Hold on a sec, I’ll ask: HEY!  DID ANYBODY HERE CALL ------ -------?!!!”

“…No!”

“That’s a no.  Maybe someone dialed your number by accident and hung up?  I do that all the time, heh.”

“Maybe.  You’re all very strange there.”

“I know, right?”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Hello?”

“Hi, I have a missed call from this number?”

“OK.”

“…How can I help you?”

“I don’t know, you called me.”

“Actually, you called me and didn’t leave a message.”

“I did no such thing.”

“Your number’s listed right here!”

“Says you.”

“Argh, bye!”

“Have a nice day – oh, they hung up already.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Yell-oh?”

            “What’s up with calling my phone and not leaving a message?”

            “Who’s this?”

          “Who’s this?!  You call and don’t leave a message, and think I won’t notice?  That’s just rude!”

            “Then so are you, `cause I have no idea who the blazes you are!”

            “Well then, I guess we’re even!

            “Fine with me!  Good-bye!”

            “Hold on, I’m not done yelling at you – ”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Hello?”

            “Hi, I have a missed call from this number?”

            “Oh really?  That’s odd, I’ve been on the phone all day.”

            “Well, I just hit the number listed on my phone to call it back, and it brought me to you.”

            “That’s odd… let me see, my caller ID says your number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.”

            “That’s right.”

          “Let me see my list…. Oh yes, I did call you!  You’re hard to get hold of; I’m calling because we have a fantastic opportunity for a limited time on – hello?”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Hello?”

            “Hi, got another missed call from this number.”

            “Ugh, stop calling me!”

            “Then stop calling me!”

            “Are there solar flares or something going on?  Because I have no idea why your phone keeps thinking mine is calling it.”

            “Who knows; maybe it’s extra-terrestrials, they’re always a good excuse.”

TWO HUNDRED MILES ABOVE THE EARTH

            “They’ve caught on!  Abort ‘Operation: Drive Them Mad!’”

Story 225: Retro Tech

            The Customer walked into the office and dropped a small disc onto the Representative’s desk.  The latter stared at it, then up at the Customer.

            “What the blazes is this?” she asked.

            “It’s a CD-ROM,” the Customer replied as she sat down uninvited on the only other chair in the room.  “I found it with a VHS tape that I had completely forgotten about, and it’s got a whole bunch of extra features from the movie I want to see but can’t because it won’t fit on my laptop’s disc drive.  Or any computer’s disc drive.  That’s where you come in.”

            The Representative gingerly picked up the disc.  “First off, how old is this?”

            “Um….”  The Customer looked up at the ceiling momentarily.  “It’s about 17 years.”

          The Representative would have done a spit-take if her coffee had been handy: “Seventeen years?!  Not days, not months, not even quarters?”

            “No, years – the movie’s held up pretty well, both in content and in format, but I still can’t believe it’s been around long enough that babies who were born then are now graduating high school.”

            “Yes, but really, 17 years?!  In the world of tech, you might as well have said ‘1776’!”

            “C’mon, it’s not that old – it was made in this century, for crying out loud!”

         “Same century, yes; same decade, no.”  The Representative tossed the disc back at the Customer, who let it land on the desk uncaught.  “At the rates things move, I’m surprised DVDs and Blu-rays are still hanging around!”

            “They wouldn’t be?  I just finished changing over all of my tapes!”

            “I’m not even going there.  Look,” the Representative said as she inched her chair closer to the desk; the Customer reflexively leaned in.  “New stuff’s being made every day, and the more you try to keep up the more gets left behind.  I mean, look at the 1900s: everyone was just getting used to the car when all of a sudden they could fly in the comfort of an armchair!  Could you imagine telling people from the beginning of that century that before they hit the next one they could instantaneously speak with someone on the other side of the planet as easy as if they were talking to someone in the next room?  Or that the plays they watched in the theater could be viewed in their own homes, repeatedly, with magical effects and surround sound?”

            “I think if you told them all that they would have locked you in the attic.”

            “You’re missing the point: if you have a piece of tech now, you’d better use it now because as sure as you’re sitting here, it’s going to become inaccessible in less than five years.  And I’m being generous in that estimate: two years is probably more accurate.”

          “Oh.”  The Customer picked up the disc to stare at it.  “So I’ll never get to see the extra features?”

            “Just go buy the DVD before that’s gone!”

            “It won’t have the same features and you know it!”

           “Fine.”  The Representative rummaged through a drawer and pulled out a small drive with cables that she then dropped onto the desk.  “Here.”

            “What’s this supposed to be?”

           “A CD-ROM adapter.  You plug it into your computer and pop the disc in.  It’s yours for $19.95, plus tax.”

            “Why didn’t you just give me this in the first place?!”

            “You needed to be taught a lesson on the evanescence of life.”