Showing posts with label bocce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bocce. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Story 300: Bocce Ball Hustlers


            (On a lazy Sunday afternoon at the bocce ball courts in a public park, two retiree regulars are at their usual intense competition)
            Retiree 1: (As they collect the balls after a match) Ha!  Beat you again.
            Retiree 2: I told you, my arthritis is acting up – it’s going to rain any minute, I don’t care how many clear skies you see!
            Retiree 1: Then how come you keep holding your non-throwing arm whenever you say that?
            Retiree 2: …That helps my throwing arm feel better.
            New Player 1: Mind if we join you?
           (Retirees 1 and 2 look up from collecting the balls to see New Players 1 and 2, who are several decades younger, decked out in sportswear, carrying a case of their own bocce balls, and standing at the opposite end of the court)
            Retiree 1: No thank you: we’ll be done in another round, and we don’t like change.
            Retiree 2: Yeah, buzz off, children!
            New Player 1: (Laughs with New Player 2, then opens the case and lets the balls drop to the ground) Word on the street is you two are the reigning bocce champs `round here.
            Retirees 1 and 2: [Mutter half-disagreeing affirmatives]
            New Player 1: Care to put that to the test?
            Retiree 2: (To Retiree 1) Well, there it is: we can’t let a challenge like that stand, can we?
          Retiree 1: I don’t know – I’m getting tired and these two clowns may beat us just because of that.
            New Player 1: (Shouting from the other end of the court) What’s it gonna be?  (New Player 2 whispers into New Player 1’s ear; the latter nods) Gramps?!
            Retiree 1: (Narrows eyes) Oh, it’s on.
            (Retirees 1 and 2 trot to the other end of the court and all four stare at each other)
            New Player 1: Should we shake hands before we start?
        Retiree 1: Don’t touch me.  And since we’re the ones being challenged, I’m taking the prerogative of throwing the pallina.
            New Player 1: By all means.
            Retiree 1: (Tosses the pallina a good distance down the court, then gestures to New Players 1 and 2) Be my guest.
            New Player 2: Oh no, please: age before beauty.
            Retiree 2: Now why you gotta be so nasty?  (Retiree 1 has to restrain Retiree 2) Punk!
           New Player 1: (Batting away New Player 2, who also is trying to get in Retiree 2’s face) Just start the game already.
           Retiree 1: Gladly.  (Lines up the shot and gracefully throws the ball down the court, where it lands very close to the pallina)
            New Player 1: Not bad.  (Throws a ball that lands almost right next to the first)
            Retiree 2: My turn!  (Throws a ball so hard it lands out of bounds) Oops.
            Retiree 1: Arthritis, my foot.
            Retiree 2: It comes and goes.
           New Player 2: (Throws a ball that knocks away Retiree 1’s ball; Retirees 1’s and 2’s mouths drop open) Yessss!!!
            (Several passers-by stop to watch)
           Passer-by 1: (To Retirees 1 and 2) You better keep an eye on these two; they may dethrone you from your championship title, and humiliate you to boot.
           Retiree 1: (Glaring at Passer-by 1, a frenemy for the past 23 years) Yes, I’m well aware of that; thank you for pointing it out.
            New Player 1: (Holding up a ball) Shall we continue?

HOUR 2

            (A crowd has gathered around the court as the tournament shows no signs of abating)
          Crowd: (As Retiree 1’s ball lands seemingly equidistant from New Player 1’s ball) Ooooooh!
            New Player 2: Now what?
           Retiree 1: Don’t worry.  (Approaches the balls while pulling out a tape measure) I always carry one of these for just such an occasion.  (All four players approach the balls as Retiree 1 measures the two distances) Yep, mine’s closer.
          New Player 1: Let me see that!  (Grabs the measure and receives the same results; tosses it back to Retiree 1) Oh all right.
            Retiree 1: Best 19 out of 20?
            New Player 1: You’d better believe it.

HOUR 3

            (The encroaching mosquitos and whining dogs do not deter the growing crowd rooted in place around the court.  All four players are sweating and their arms are not circling as wide arcs, but none will be the first to call for a break)
            Retiree 2: Your ball’s out of bounds!  Knocking away the pallina doesn’t count!
            New Player 1: It does so!  The pallina was knocked away before the ball went out of bounds!
            Retiree 2: (To Retiree 1) What do the rules say?
            Retiree 1: How should I know?  We haven’t had to consult them in years!
            New Player 1: (To the crowd) I saw we do over!
            Crowd: (Mutters assent)
            Retiree 1: Fine.  (Waves a disgusted hand over the court for the others to re-set the pieces)
            (A park ranger approaches the group)
            Park Ranger 1: Folks, the park’s closing in half an hour.
            Passer-by 2: You can’t close now, we have to see how this ends!
            Passer-by 3: Yeah, it’s best 49 out of 50!
            Park Ranger 1: (Takes in the intensity of the scene) OK, just, uh – wrap it up soon.  (Joins the crowd to watch as the round begins again)

HOUR 4

            (A ball lands dangerously close to both the other team’s ball and the pallina)
            Crowd and Players: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!
            Retiree 1: (To New Player 1, with a hoarse voice) Best 89 out of 90?
         (A park ranger truck pulls up next to the court and a voice blasts from the loudspeakers)
            Park Ranger 2: Park’s closed, you weirdos – everybody go home!
            Park Ranger 1: (Pops up from one end of the court) But it’s still a tie!
            Park Ranger 2: We’ve talked about this behavior before, now get in the truck!  And the rest of you, disperse before I turn on the flood lights!
          (The crowd scatters in all directions as the truck drives away; the four players stand uncertainly for a few moments)
           New Player 1: (Also with a hoarse voice) Wanna slip in another round before they come back?
           Retiree 1: Let’s call it a draw: I’m quite certain our arms will fly off if we throw one more time, and none of us are ambidextrous.
            Retiree 2: Ooh!  I am!  (Tries raising throwing arm and yelps in pain)
            Retiree 1: Knock it off.
            New Player 1: Until next time?  (Holds out opposite hand to shake)
         Retiree 1: (Does the same and they shake) Until then: you two will never beat us, but the game’s been getting boring lately and you’ve got the rest of your lives to practice.
            New Player 1: Perfect.  And we will never stop until we triumph!
            Retiree 1: That should keep us all busy for the rest of our lives, then.